As Syndromes Go, I Have A Good One Today. Enjoy The Facts.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There seems to be syndromes for just about anything these days/

Maybe that would make a good post on its own.

For today however you will have to be content with just one, mixed in with a lot of other facts too.

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Apparently in San Francisco

it is illegal to dry your car

with used underwear.

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Since the Space Shuttle electronics were

so outdated and nobody made them anymore,

NASA actually resorted to buying spare parts

on websites like eBay

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Only about 226,000 underwater marine species

have been identified and scientists estimate that

there could be up to 25 million marine species

living in the oceans.

This means less than 1% of all underwater

marine life has been discovered.

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Machu Picchu, the Incan citadel set high

in the Andes Mountains in Peru,

was so high in the mountains that it

wasn’t discovered until 1911.

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If it were a country,

McDonald’s would be the 90th richest

country on Earth.

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In the 80’s Romanian President Nicolae Ceausescu

had the game of scrabble banned and described it

as “overly intellectual” and a “subversive evil”.

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Discovered in 1852 and named after

the Greek mythological figure Psyche,

16 Psyche is a one of the largest metal asteroids

in the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter.

Unlike most of other metal asteroids,

Psyche shows no sign of the presence of water

and is believed to have a purely iron-nickel composition.

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After falling asleep in class and being awakened

by a teacher smacking her palm down on his desk,

a 16 year old’s parents decided to sue the

Connecticut Board of Education

for the hearing loss he suffered.

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The thing that is always used

to measure your foot at the shoe store

is called a Brannock Device.

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Heart attack guns exist.

According to disclosures by the CIA in 1975,

there is such a thing as a ‘heart attack gun’.

It fires a bullet made of ice, dipped in shellfish toxin

that immediately induces a heart attack.

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The first solo person to circumnavigate the globe

using only human power

was Erden Eruc of Turkey who

walked and rowed right around the world!

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Paris Syndrome is a real psychological syndrome

that affects mostly Japanese people when they realize

that Paris isn’t as great a place as they thought it would be.

The Japanese embassy in France even has a

special hotline that tourists can call.

Symptoms include nausea and headaches.

 

 

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Bad Actors Have Their Work Cut Out.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Bad actors do get their work cut out, fortunately for both them and those of us who watch their movies.

However, bad puns are never cut out because the worse they are the better they are.

And here’s another selection to prove it.

Enjoy or endure.

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It’s not my fault I blame

everyone else for my mistakes.

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Steve Jobs,

a man who lived life to the macs

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I haven’t made a prediction

in my life and I never will.

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There are two types of people in this world.

Those who can extrapolate incomplete data

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I have trouble taking responsibility for my actions.

I blame my parents.

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The life of a snail is taken

with a pinch of salt.

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“I’m worried that those plants are artificial.”

“They’re not.”

“Well that’s a real leaf.”

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My motto is:

If you can’t beat them,

what’s the point in becoming a teacher?

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I’ve just arrived at the camouflage club

and I can see we have a big turnout.

Which is really disappointing.

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Whilst buying some nuts today

I noticed the pack said

“stachios”…

I thought…

someone’s taken the pis

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Be a scientist.

If at first you don’t succeed,

redefine success.

 

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One way or another I’m going to

have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics.

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Plant Puns: Weed ‘Em And Reap!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Not really a day of plant puns, but it is Pun Day, so you might want to weep anyway.

You know the drill (little gardening pun there).

Enjoy or endure!

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Teacher: If you were a great composer,

where would you live?

Boy: In A Flat.

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I missed today’s Hairdressing Championships,

can anyone tell me if there were any highlights?

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The World Health Organization has

just announced its new slogan.

“WHO cares”.

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My teacher said I was average,

I told him that’s just mean.

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I used to be a gold prospector,

but it didn’t pan out.

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I’ve written my own political manifesto

but I haven’t used one single upper-case letter.

I’m not a capitalist.

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Men with gender issues have it tough in the UK,

I’m sure they’d love to be a broad.

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I wrote some new hymns for the congregation

to sing at my local church and the

Vicar says everybody loves them.

They can’t stop singing my praises.

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I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub.

He seemed like a decent feller.

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If you want to be a coroner be

prepared for a stiff examination.

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My friend is a real Don Juan with the ladies.

The ladies Don Juan anything to do with him.

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When I was in the army I reckoned all

officers higher up that Colonels are assholes.

But I hate when people Generalize.

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I’ve never seen a flamenco dancer,

but those Spaniards must be clever

to train a bird of that size.

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My wife is trying to wind me up

with jibes about my impotence.

I’m not rising to that.

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I didn’t want to go to the

“I Love The 80s” fancy dress party,

but my friend was adamant.

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It’s International Litarasy Day 2day

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Final Pun Day.

For this January that is. I hope I didn’t get your hopes up .  🙂

Here we go.

Enjoy or endure!

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The Inventor of the jug died today.

Tributes have been pouring in.

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I asked my friend if he is a compulsive shouter.

The answer was a resounding yes.

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Caught a bloke in the changing room earlier,

holding my jacket saying he thought it was his!

I think he was trying it on.

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I don’t like my wife going out drinking

with the girls from the nail bar.

They always end up getting hammered.

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This girl, Rene Wals, is obsessed with me.

She keeps sending me emails.

She works at GoDaddy, but I think she’s a moron

— she spells her name “Renewals.”

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The first rule of Palindrome Club is

si bulC emordnilaP fo elur tsrif ehT.

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Is a woman who can’t have a baby,

unbearable, impregnable or inconceivable?

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My girlfriend was complaining

that I never buy her flowers.

I didn’t even know she sold them.

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My wife asked me how much I like

the new GPS she bought for me

I replied, “Well, I’d be lost without it.”

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I think I first realized that my drinking

had got out of control when my doctor

referred me to a Bacardiologist.

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I call my weed “The Quran”

Because burning that shit will get you stoned.

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My wife found out that I’d been moving her

bookmark forward a few pages every night.

She really lost the plot.

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I was checking out this blonde girl,

when the librarian said,

“Sir, we only lend out books in here.”

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Girlfriend: You have to make a choice,

it’s either me or your career as a news reporter.

Me: Well, I’ve got some news for you then.

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A teacher asks her class

“Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood’s girlfriend?”

Little Paddy raises his hand and says

“Yes Miss, it’s Trudy Glen.”

“No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion.”

“But Miss, what about the song?

Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen.”

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Happy Thanksgiving 2014.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today is the fourth Thursday of November and also the last Thursday in November so whether you think Lincoln was right or Roosevelt was right, it still Thanksgiving Day in the USA.

To everyone who participates, enjoy the family holiday, eat too much and drink too much.

Last year I did what turned out to be a very popular post called “I Had To Post A Few Turkey Puns Today, Of Course They Are Fowl” ( Click here if you would like to read it.) And this year I’ve done it again.

So here are some more really bad jokes.

Enjoy or endure.

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Thanksgiving,

the time of year when turkeys

fatten Americans up for Christmas!

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Why didn’t the Pilgrim want to make the stuffing?

Because it’s such a crummy job!

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What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

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What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

Plymouth Rock, of course!

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What would you get if you crossed

a turkey with a baked fruit dessert?

A peach gobbler!

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What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

The turkey trot

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What does a Turkey drink wine in?

In a gobble-let

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What did baby corn say to mama corn?

Where’s popcorn?

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Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?

To try to hatchet!

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Teacher: “What did the Indians bring

to the first Thanksgiving?”

Student: “Baseballs.”

Teacher: “Baseballs?”

Student: “Yeah,

they were Cleveland Indians!”

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Who is the turkey’s favorite movie star?

Gregory Peck.

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If you divide the circumference

of a pumpkin by its diameter

Do you end up with

Pumpkin pi?

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Can a turkey jump higher than

the Empire State Building?

Yes of course it can

– a building can’t jump at all.

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Why did the pilgrim’s pants keep falling down?

Because his buckle was on his hat!

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And finally,

instead of talking turkey,

let’s hear someone sing turkey instead.

Take it away Dickie Stickhead

(Phew, you have to be careful how you say that name!)

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Stonehenge Rocks!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yeah, Stonehenge rocks!

So does Pun Day!!

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!!

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Deaf people are lip reading as we speak.

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In school, my teacher asked me if I

had any of my own maths equipment.

“I have a broken abacus,” I replied.

She said, “That doesn’t count.”

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I’m a puppeteer –

I had to pull a lot of strings to get the job.

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My friend happily announced recently that,

after 18 months of hard work and determination,

he had lost over 130 pounds of unhealthy useless fat.

He divorced her.

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Want to pull a Jewish girl?

Just show them some interest.

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A woman walks up to a handsome man

in a nightclub and shouts, “Fat penguin!”

“Pardon?” he says, looking bemused.

“Sorry,” she replies. “I was just trying to

think of something that would break the ice.”

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Being unemployed definitely has its benefits.

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I always get chutney and pickle mixed up.

It makes me chuckle.

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My mate asked if I wanted to

play electric shock monopoly.

I jumped at the chance.

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Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m OK,

but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

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My mum always said, “

Never use two words when one will do.”

Why didn’t she just say,

“Avoid verbosity”?

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I love blondes, but I was gutted to come

home from work to find my girlfriend

had dyed her hair brunette.

It’s just not fair.

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Protesters at the recent G20 conference

were holding up huge signs saying

‘Capitalism Isn’t Working’.

A friend of mine turned to me and said,

“Surely that’s wrong.

Surely ‘Capitalism Is Working’.”

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My English teacher told me that it’s impossible

to take two completely different words out of context

and use them to create a coherent sentence.

Wheel sea.

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Friends of my wife and I, recently bought a farm,

and decided to invite us to a House warming party.

I asked my wife, “What shall we get them for a present?”

“How about this long length of rope with bucket attached?” she replied.

“Yes,” I agreed. “I am sure that will go down well.”

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Ignorant? Why, I Don’t Know The Meaning Of The Word!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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They say ignorance is bliss and to a great extent I think that is correct.

I’m not sure you could say puns are bliss, but some of us seem to enjoy them, and for those who do here are some more.

Enjoy or endure.

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I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.

It’s a Bordeaux collie.

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My friend asked me to get him a job at the opticians.

He knew I had the contacts.

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I’ve just opened a shoe shop.

So far I’ve successfully kept everyone away from it.

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I applied for a job in Australia

I think I have the necessary koalafications.

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During a spelling test, our teacher told us to write down ‘to capitalize’.

That one was too easy I thought, as I wrote ‘I I’.

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I used to smoke Benson & Hedges, but then I changed brands.

It’s all been Dunhill from there.

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I just bought a Swiss car.

It runs like clockwork,

but I can’t figure out how to get it out of neutral.

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I’ve decided to make money writing dieting books.

I’m told they appeal to a very wide audience.

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I laid flowers for mother at the wrong tombstone.

It was a grave mistake.

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An apostrophe is the difference between

a business that should know its shit,

and a business that should know it’s shit.

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A few people are complaining about the new

lightning conductor at the concert hall.

A lot of the orchestra can’t keep up with him.

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I fixed my wife up with a new job the other day

– as a human cannonball.

She went ballistic!

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I made a hotel out of little cheesy biscuits.

It’s not exactly the Ritz.

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I went to the doctor feeling ill and he said

“Lie down and cover yourself in salt.”

“How will that help?” I asked.

“Don’t know,” he said. “But in a week’s time you’ll be cured”.

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Deleted scene from Alien:

“I can’t open the milk!”

“In space, no-one can. Here, use cream.”

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It Takes Guts To Go To Weight Watchers.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And it takes guts to publish some of these word play jokes.

So strap yourselves in for another wicked selection.

Enjoy or endure!

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My girlfriend keeps telling me that making

clothes based puns is really not funny.

Corset is!

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My teacher asked the class,

“Can anybody name a sport that starts with a ‘T’?”

I said “Yes, golf.”

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My son asked me where the most

dangerous place on earth is.

I’m stuck between Iraq Kandahar place.

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I was speaking to a man from Syria today and he said,

“In my country, bear fighting is the most popular sport.”

“That’s revolting.” I replied.

“No,” he said. “That’s our second most popular.”

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Teacher: “In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.”

Sammy : “You can’t fool me, Teacher…

snakes don’t have feet.”

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A woman screamed, “No means no!” at me today.

I left soon after.

It was the shortest Spanish lesson I’d ever had.

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I saved loads of cash on the new over-priced iPhone yesterday.

I didn’t buy one.

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A note left for a pianist from his wife

“Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet.”

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About to microwave some fruit.

Getting ready for a hot date.

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I got arrested yesterday for stealing hay from a farmer.

I’ve been refused bale.

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When my wife told me Scandinavian languages

don’t have the letter ‘R’ I immediately thought…

No way!

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I’ve often wondered why it is called ‘Mooning’

when you’re actually showing ‘Uranus’?

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As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.

It gives me the E B G B s

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I heard someone say that nothing rhymes with orange.

No it doesn’t!

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I used to live in a small town in Spain called Macarena.

But I don’t like to make a song and dance about it.

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Does A Man Need A Mistress Just To Break The Monogamy?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Let’s not get into a discussion on marriage.

Rather just investigate some more of those word plays we call puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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Did you hear about the two crooks who bought a hotel.

They were inn-mates.

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“This fishing tackle tastes disgusting!”

he said with baited breath.

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So the barman says to Paddy,

“Your glass is empty, would you like another one?”

“Another one?” Paddy replies,

“Sure what would I want with two empty glasses?”

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In America,

2pac’s of Eminem’s cost 50 Cents.

That’s Ludacris.

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We’ve got neighbors from Hell

A lovely old Norwegian couple…

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“I had a vision out of the cornea of my eye

that you would be a great pupil,”

the teacher said.

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My wife had one of those near death experiences last night

Silly woman thought she could vacuum the floors

while the super bowl was on.

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When a college dormitory exploded

a lot of roomers were flying.

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CNN News “Tree Falls On Bank”

Didn’t say what branch though.

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When Billy was sent to prison the first thing he said

to his cell mate was, “I won’t be in here long”

“Well the judge gave you six years,” his cell mate said.

“Yeah I know,” Billy replied. “But my wife will break me out

she’s never let me finish a sentence before.”

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By the way,

I’m hosting a charity evening and raffle this Saturday evening

to raise money for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can’t come let me know.

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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

(Get it? No shins, Toe-Knee.)

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My son just asked, “Dad, can you tell me what gay means?”

“It means to be happy,” I replied.

“Are you gay, dad?”

“No, son. I married your mother!”

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My route to work has been scattered with average speed cameras.

You’d think the tight asses would have shelled out for the decent ones.

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I’m just off for a meeting with an Indian car maker.

Tata.

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Did You Know? More Fabulous Facts Folks!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Not much else needs to be said about today’s post.

Another selection of fabulous facts.

Enjoy.

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At one point in the 1990s,

50% of all CDs produced worldwide were for AOL.

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A British man changed his name to Tim Pppppppppprice

to make it harder for telemarketers to pronounce.

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Google’s founders were willing to sell to Excite

for under $1 million in 1999

—but Excite turned them down.

(Huge big dumb move, where is Excite today!)

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Officials in Portland, Ore., drained 8 million gallons of water

from a reservoir in 2011 because a buzzed 21-year-old peed in it.

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When three-letter airport codes became standard,

airports that had been using two letters simply added an X.

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A California woman once tried to sue the makers of Cap’n Crunch

because Crunch Berries contained “no berries of any kind.”

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Actor Wilford Brimley who has appeared in such films as

The China Syndrome, Cocoon, The Thing and The Firm,

was once Howard Hughes’s bodyguard.

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According to Amazon, the most highlighted Kindle books are

the Bible, the Steve Jobs biography, and The Hunger Games.

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During WWI, German measles were called “liberty measles”

and dachshunds became “liberty hounds.”

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In Spain, Mr. Clean is known as Don Limpio.

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After leaving office, President Lyndon B Johnson

went all hippy and let his hair grow out.

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There was a third Apple founder. Ronald Wayne

he sold his 10% stake for $800 in 1976.

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If you start counting at one and spell out the numbers as you go,

you won’t use the letter “A” until you reach 1,000.

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In Gaddafi’s compound, Libyan rebels found a photo album

filled with pictures of Condoleezza Rice.

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Calvin Klein’s Obsession for Men is used by researchers

to attract animals to cameras in the wilderness.

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Only one McDonald’s in the world has turquoise arches.

Sedona, AZ thought yellow clashed with the natural red rock.

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Marie Curie’s notebooks are still radioactive.

Researchers hoping to view them must sign a disclaimer.

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The 50-star American flag was designed by an Ohio high school student

for a class project. His teacher originally gave him a B–.

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Tsutomu Yamaguchi was in Hiroshima for work

when the first A-bomb hit,

made it home to Nagasaki for the second,

and lived to be 93.

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Barry Manilow did not write his hit “I Write the Songs.”

It was actually written by the former Beach Boy Bruce Johnston.

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