Plant Puns: Weed ‘Em And Reap!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Not really a day of plant puns, but it is Pun Day, so you might want to weep anyway.

You know the drill (little gardening pun there).

Enjoy or endure!

.

.

Teacher: If you were a great composer,

where would you live?

Boy: In A Flat.

.

.

I missed today’s Hairdressing Championships,

can anyone tell me if there were any highlights?

.

.

The World Health Organization has

just announced its new slogan.

“WHO cares”.

.

.

My teacher said I was average,

I told him that’s just mean.

.

.

I used to be a gold prospector,

but it didn’t pan out.

.

.

I’ve written my own political manifesto

but I haven’t used one single upper-case letter.

I’m not a capitalist.

.

.

Men with gender issues have it tough in the UK,

I’m sure they’d love to be a broad.

.

.

I wrote some new hymns for the congregation

to sing at my local church and the

Vicar says everybody loves them.

They can’t stop singing my praises.

.

.

I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub.

He seemed like a decent feller.

.

.

If you want to be a coroner be

prepared for a stiff examination.

.

.

My friend is a real Don Juan with the ladies.

The ladies Don Juan anything to do with him.

.

.

When I was in the army I reckoned all

officers higher up that Colonels are assholes.

But I hate when people Generalize.

.

.

I’ve never seen a flamenco dancer,

but those Spaniards must be clever

to train a bird of that size.

.

.

My wife is trying to wind me up

with jibes about my impotence.

I’m not rising to that.

.

.

I didn’t want to go to the

“I Love The 80s” fancy dress party,

but my friend was adamant.

.

.

================================

.

What’s Ice? – Skid Stuff!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

It will all be over by this time next week, so today has to be the day for a special Christmas helping of seasonal puns.

Get your groans ready – you’re really going to need them this time!

Enjoy.

.

.

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

It’s Christmas, Eve!

.

.

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has no L.

.

.

What does Tarzan sing at Christmas time?

Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.

.

.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.

.

.

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?

Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

.

.

How do sheep in Spain say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

.

.

What’s the best present for a train conductor?

Platform shoes.

.

.

What is a parent’s favorite Christmas carol?

Silent Night.

.

.

Before it starts to sell its Christmas trees

the garden center gets really spruced up!

.

.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

Because every buck is dear to him.

.

.

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish

.

.

Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

.

.

What Santa had a motorbike instead of a sleigh, what kind would it be?

A Holly Davidson of course!

.

.

If Santa and Mrs. Claus had a baby, what would he be?

A subordinate Claus.

.

.

“Why don’t we ever hear about ‘Olive,’ the 10th reindeer?” asked Bert.

“What 10th Reindeer?” asked Scott.

“You know. Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.”

.

.

What does a reindeer do when he has an upset stomach?

He takes an elk-a-seltzer.

.

.

What do you call an ELF who sings?

A Wrapper!

.

.

===================================

.

Without Me, It’s Just Aweso!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Just playing about with words again.

Yes, it’s another pun day!

Endure or enjoy, whatever is your pleasure.

.

.

I can’t help being lazy.

It walks in the family.

.

.

To Err is human

To Aarrrgh is Pirate.

.

.

I spent today trying to force as many

road signs from the ground as I could.

I pulled out all the stops.

.

.

My son’s been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday,

so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!

Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper on the web.

.

.

The Wife bet me fifty bucks that

she could sing more football songs than me.

I beat her.

She had no Chants.

.

.

Barbie has an awful lot of nice mini skirts

for a girl whose knees don’t bend.

.

.

What did the brown tooth say to the white tooth?

‘Iz it ‘coz I iz plaque?’

.

.

Windows 8.

Such a pane!

.

.

I read in the newspaper:

‘Two people killed in separate chain attacks’

That can’t be true I thought.

They must be linked.

.

.

It said on the News today that

“Cuts will hit the poor hardest”.

Why?

Can’t they even afford bandages?

.

.

A friend in the bar said, 

“I’ve just realized, your brothers Richard, Harold

and Charles are all named after kings.”

I said, ” Yeah, so! What’s your point?”

He said, ” Nothing. It’s your round Burger.”

.

.

The internet has become too politically correct.

What’s all this nonsense about disabled cookies?

In my day they were called broken biscuits.

.

.

I like to tell women that I’m responsible for

a large team of web designers.

I find it gets a better reception than saying

I live in an apartment that’s infested by spiders.    

.

.

A guy walks into a bar and asks, “How much is your beer?”

The barman says, “$4 for a pint and $10 for a pitcher.”

“Just gimme me a pint then,” says the guy.

“I got enough photos already!”

.

.

My friend asked to borrow some money after

losing his job at the local hospital as a Stool Sample analyst.

Of course I couldn’t let him down.

Not after all the shit he’s been through…    

.

.

I know this guy who hangs round on the corners of maps.

Legend.

.

.

Is your hair dull, lifeless and boring?

Well it’s hair, what else did you expect?

.

.

I’ve spent five frustrating days

repeatedly shouting “Heal!” at my dog.

If it doesn’t work soon,

I might just have to take him to the vet.

.

.

I called the Suicide Help Line once,

saying that I felt like throwing myself in front of a train and needed help.

They told me to stay on the line.

.

.

I walked into the hairdressers today.

The guy said, “Can I help you sir?”

I said, “I’m after a short cut”.

Then I walked through the shop and went out of the fire exit.

.

.

If an indoor shooting range is burning,

what does one scream to inform them? 

.

.

====================================================

.

Now Why Didn’t I Ask That? – It’s Another Twenty Questions For Tuesday

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Although some of these questions are a bit daft, some of them have a “Now why didn’t I ask that” quality about them too. So why didn’t you, and if you didn’t does that mean you know the answers?

Enjoy!

.

.

Why do they say an American football team is the ‘world champion’ when they don’t play anybody outside the US?

.

.

Do stuttering people stutter when they’re thinking to themselves?

.

.

If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what color would it turn?

.

.

What are the handles for corn on the cob called?

.

.

Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

.

.

Why do we press the start button to turn off the computer?

.

.

Do your eyes change color when you die?

.

.

If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?

.

.

Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?

.

.

How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?

.

.

If K.F.C Stands for ‘Kentucky Fried Chicken’, Why do they play sweet home Alabama on the commercials?

.

.

If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?

.

.

What type of animal is Snuffaluffagus?

.

.

If you had a three story house and were on the second floor, isn’t it possible that you can be upstairs and downstairs at the same time?

.

.

Why do they call it ‘getting your dog fixed’ if afterwards it doesn’t work anymore?

.

.

Does a ‘Marks-A-Lot’ marker, mark any more than a regular marker?

.

.

What happens when you put a lightsaber in water?

.

.

If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?

.

.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

.

.

Do movie producers still say “lights, camera, and action” when it is a dark scene?

.

==================================

.