A Simile Is Like A Metaphor – Literally!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

I was going to introduce today’s post by saying some like “I hope you are having a pun-tastic week”, but I thought I would sound like a demented DJ from the 1970s.

So I’ll just say hello and welcome and let you get on with the puns.

Enjoy or endure!!

.

.

Lite:

the new way to spell “Light,”

now with 20% fewer letters!

.

.

I was asked to man the phones

at work the other day.

So I went round and drew a

little mustache on all of them.

 

.

.

Spelling…

It’s not brian surgery.

.

.

Hamlet:

A small pig.

.

.

According to my Spanish doctor

I have Hepatitis Yes

 

.

.

My doctor told me to quit my helium addiction

before I got carried away.

.

.

2B or not 2B?

I don’t think I’ve ever put this much thought

into which shade of pencil to use before.

.

.

‘UK Man has first hand transplant.’

Surely that’s a second hand transplant.

.

.

I was taking a short cut across a field the other day,

I was halfway across when the farmer approached me and said,

“Did you leave that small wooden step at the edge of my field?”

I replied, “No, it wasn’t me, that’s not my stile”

.

.

Someone told me if you

smack a fish before frying it,

the meat will taste fresher.

What a load of codswallop.

.

.

I’ve just accidentally superglued my fingers

to a copy of my autobiography.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

.

.

Me and my limbo dancing team

go way back

.

=======================

.

I. O. U. A. Vowel

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

If you add a couple of consonants to one of those vowels you get PUN, which is rather convenient because today is pun day.

You know what’s next.

Enjoy or endure!!

.

.

I really love my fanbase…

without it my fan would fall over.

.

.

When people ask me

what my best quality is,

I always tell them my second best

quality is being mysterious.

.

.

Communicating with Native Americans

… it’s easy when you know How.

.

.

I don’t care what people say,

I’m a terrible psychiatrist.

.

.

My friend was in a go kart race and

kept going even after all his wheels fell off.

It was a tireless effort

.

.

I got so excited in French lessons that

sometimes “oui” would come out

.

.

If you want to know how to see without glasses,

I’ve got some good contacts.

.

.

To all you letters that

want to be before

p in the alphabet,

join the q.

.

.

Walk in fridges.

Pretty cool.

.

.

Everybody has an ego,

mine is just bigger and  better.

.

.

Trees can break wind

(and they’re not the only ones!)

.

.

Four thieves were robbing a music

store when the cops turned up.

The first grabbed all the pop CDs and ran off.

The second grabbed the rock CDs and also ran off.

The third grabbed the Jazz and followed suit.

The fourth was forced to take the rap.

.

.

==============================

.

 

All Generalizations Are False.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

All generalizations are false, except for the one that says people enjoy puns or word plays.

Just to prove the point here is another selection.

Enjoy or endure!!

.

.

There are only five vowels but

nobody’s ever thought to ask y.

.

.

A 600 pound man committed suicide

by jumping into a ravine.

He gorged himself to death.

.

.

What do you call a

vicar on a motorbike?

Rev.

.

.

I lost my job as Donald Duck at

Disneyworld after I put on some weight.

I just didn’t fit the bill.

.

.

Mirror inspecting is a job

I can’t really see myself doing.

.

.

My friend’s wife is really ugly.

So I asked him one day,

“Why do you take her out so much?”

“So I don’t have to kiss her goodbye,” he confessed.

.

.

An ice rink is a good place

to go to pick up women.

.

.

I wouldn’t say the cruise ship was old

but it was insured against fire, piracy,

and falling off the edge of the world.

.

.

If I get one more request to do a somersault,

I’m gonna flip.

.

.

If vegetarians love animals so much,

why do they eat all their food?

.

.

I left my last girlfriend because

she wouldn’t stop counting.

I often wonder what she’s up to now.

.

.

My son is learning to play the guitar

How clef-er.

Wonder if he’ll ever be as good as this kid?

.

.

===============================

.

Midgets Understand Everyone.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Just a small pun in the title to introduce you to this week’s selection of word plays, or puns.

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!

.

.

A problem shared

is a problem laughed at.

.

.

A lot of people say I am egocentric

– but enough about them

.

.

I was named after my father.

I don’t really like the name ‘Dad’ though.

.

.

Three out of four people

make up 75% of the population.

.

.

Oh how times have changed.

I used to spend my nights out ogling women.

Now I spend my nights in googling them.

.

.

My friend asked me to

walk down a hill with him.

So I declined.

.

.

I finally went to the doctor this morning

after years of my knees giving way

whenever I’m in a slow moving queue.

It’s a longstanding problem.

.

.

What do you call

a Scottish landowner?

Hectare.

.

.

Don’t tell anyone I told you this,

but people say that I gossip far too much.

.

.

My wife has packed her bags and gone

– just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

.

.

It’s hard being a member

of the innuendo society.

.

.

One of the toddlers on the

Intensive Care Unit is playing

with a toy donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

.

.

==============================

.

 

Sign Language Is Very Handy.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

I would sign at you that this is Pun Day, but what would be the point you can’t see me.

Instead I’ll just keep quiet and let you get on with reading this latest selection of word plays.

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!

.

.

.

If anyone ever tells you they’ve lost their voice,

They’re lying.

.

.

I experimented with drugs while I was in university.

I’m now a fully qualified pharmaceutical engineer.

.

.

The most common surname in China is Chang,

correct me if you think that’s Wong.

.

.

I bet the bloke who threw the first boomerang

didn’t see that coming.

.

.

All my friends hate using cliche phrases.

Even Steven.

.

.

Want to keep the doctor away?

There’s an apple for that.

.

.

I’ve just been given two weeks to live.

The wife’s gone away for a fortnight.

.

.

Eleventeen percent of people

make up words.

.

.

I’ve never been told

I am a bad listener.

.

.

My football team is sponsored by Apple.

So now there is an ‘I’ in team.

.

.

If I had a crystal ball

I’d sit down very carefully

.

.

Finally for today,

here’s a bit of advice for you.

Advi.

.

============================

.

Bad Actors Have Their Work Cut Out.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Bad actors do get their work cut out, fortunately for both them and those of us who watch their movies.

However, bad puns are never cut out because the worse they are the better they are.

And here’s another selection to prove it.

Enjoy or endure.

.

 

 

.

It’s not my fault I blame

everyone else for my mistakes.

.

.

Steve Jobs,

a man who lived life to the macs

.

.

I haven’t made a prediction

in my life and I never will.

.

.

There are two types of people in this world.

Those who can extrapolate incomplete data

.

.

I have trouble taking responsibility for my actions.

I blame my parents.

.

.

The life of a snail is taken

with a pinch of salt.

.

.

“I’m worried that those plants are artificial.”

“They’re not.”

“Well that’s a real leaf.”

.

.

My motto is:

If you can’t beat them,

what’s the point in becoming a teacher?

.

.

I’ve just arrived at the camouflage club

and I can see we have a big turnout.

Which is really disappointing.

.

.

Whilst buying some nuts today

I noticed the pack said

“stachios”…

I thought…

someone’s taken the pis

.

.

Be a scientist.

If at first you don’t succeed,

redefine success.

 

.

.

One way or another I’m going to

have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics.

.

.

=================================

.

 

 

Lif Is Too Short.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Lif may be too short but thankfully there’s no shortage of puns.

Here’s the latest selection for you to…

Enjoy or endure!!

.

 

I’ve just ended a relationship with a hair stylist.

We just never gelled.

.

.

Say what you like about deaf people.

But not blind people,

they can still hear you.

.

.

I went to the inventor of Optrex’s funeral today.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

.

.

My wife says the passion has gone out of our relationship.

She really doesn’t know how much I hate her.

.

.

I used to be a hypochondriac until

I eventually became sick of it.

.

.

What have Winnie the Pooh and

Atilla the Hun got in common ?…….

the same middle name

.

.

Wouldn’t it be better if handmade shoes

were for your feet?

.

.

I’ll be making a movie

about the Greek alphabets.

It’s a Psi Phi film.

.

.

What do you call

a quick circumcision.

A rip off.

.

.

According to scientists there is a

link between noise and obesity.

Probably the dinner bell.

.

.

Just bought a time machine from Amazon.

Well you have to when they offer

previous day delivery.

.

.

Finally for today a health warning:

Mixing cannabis with cod liver oil

is bad for your joints.

.

=========================

.

I Made A Chicken Salad Today. It Didn’t Even Eat It.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

There’s no ingratitude like the ingratitude of a chicken when you specially prepare a meal for it.

Still I can always make some soup!

Want some more word play?

Try these.

Enjoy or endure!!

.

.

When someone says they are not in denial,

I never know whether to believe them…

 

.

.

What’s another name

for an angry feminist?

A feminist.

 

.

.

My girlfriend said I’m afraid of commitment.

Well…

I wouldn’t really call her my girlfriend.

 

.

.

I haven’t slept for ten days,

because that would be too long.

 

.

.

Newspaper headline:

Air strike planned

Well I hope it doesn’t last long,

I can’t hold my breath for more than 30 seconds.

 

.

.

I once went out with a girl called simile,

I don’t know what I metaphor.

 

.

.

The grenade factory is the one place

where being able to hear a pin drop

is a bad thing

 

.

.

I had a camera but,

whenever I photographed people,

they came out looking bald-headed…

it was then I realized that

I was using Kojak film.

 

.

.

Are Dementia and Alzheimers

two separate illnesses

or are they one and the same thing?

I can never remember.

 

.

.

A minor background part actor

walks into a massage parlour and

asks if they are willing to provide sexual services.

The lady replies

“Sorry love, we don’t do extras.”

 

.

.

My Grandad’s so old

that he remembers

when X Factor was

just a Roman Sun cream

 

.

.

My girlfriend told me that

my Tom Petty obsession

is getting out of hand,

but I won’t back down on this one.

No I won’t

Back

Down

.

.

==========================

.

To Cut A Long Story Short Use Fewer Words.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

But make sure a few of those words are puns.

Which is my way of welcoming you to another pun day.

Enjoy or endure!!

.

.

A little birdie told me my

golf skills were improving.

 

.

.

Someone asked me how many haircuts I’d had in my life.

I said, “off the top of my head, about 250.”

 

.

.

I used to file my nails, but I thought:

‘what’s the point in keeping them?’

 

.

.

Maths problems, the only place where

someone can buy 60 watermelons

and no one wonders why.

 

.

.

I’m not going to make jokes from mixed metaphors

– too many other people have milked that bandwagon already.

 

.

.

I was recently asked if as a young boy,

was my mother very strict with me.

I said, ‘let me get one thing straight,

my mother was never a young boy.’

 

.

.

Whilst holidaying in Madrid with the lads,

my friend Dave suffered a heart attack in a bar,

however we were all surprised when he was

skillfully revived by a retired Doctor

who appeared out of nowhere…

… No one expects the Spanish Ex-Physician.

 

.

.

Met this girl in a club last night.

I said, “Do you like cocktails?”

She said, “I don’t know, tell me one.”

 

.

.

I said to my friend, “It’s important that no-one

mentions any film production companies.”

“How important is it?” he asked.

“Paramount,” I replied.

 

.

.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can’t remember his name.

It’s P something T something R.

 

.

.

My agent said I should use a pen name,

so from now on I am calling myself

‘Bic Parker’.

 

.

.

Thanks to Gwen Stefani,

I can now spell Bananas.

.

.

============================

.

People Who Have Bluetooth Handsets Need A Clip Round The Ear.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

I’m tempted to say that you need a clip round the ear if you don’t like puns, but I know you do.

Why else would you be here?

Unless it’s for pun-ishment.

Enjoy or endure!!

.

.

Why are photographers always so depressed?

Because they always focus on the negatives.

 

.

.

I bought a flea circus yesterday,

but one of them won’t go on the high wire.

It’s a nervous tick.

 

.

.

I played in a football match

that ended in a 2-2 draw.

No 1-1

 

.

.

I don’t mind doing crosswords,

but dot to dot puzzles are where I draw the line.

 

.

.

What do you call it when a prisoner

falls from the top of a building?

Condescending.

 

.

.

I invented the upside down house.

It’s now a top cellar.

 

.

.

To neigh or not to neigh.

That is equestrian.

 

.

.

Support your local

search and rescue squad.

Get lost

 

.

.

Why did the Mafia boss cross the road?

Revenge!

The road had crossed him the week before.

 

.

.

My uncle slipped on some beans last week.

If only he had the benefit of Heinz sight.

 

.

.

I took my dog to a car showroom today.

I turned to him and said,

“They have an interesting Range Rover.”

 

.

.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end,

someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them,

five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

.

=================================

.