Being Calm Is Not Something I Rate.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But of course something I do rate are puns.

Here’s some more.

Enjoy or endure!!!

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Polce Toay Announce They Are

Nvestgatng A Strng Of ID Thefts.

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I hate washing up liquid.

Washing up solids is much simpler.

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My girlfriend is leaving me because I’ve got alopecia.

oh well it’s hair loss.

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Cryptographers make terrible drummers.

They just sit there, fascinated by all the cymbals.

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My new job as a taxidermist is pretty boring.

All I do is sit around and stuff.

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My son is cold and calculating

I’ve turned the heating off whilst

he does his maths homework.

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Got an insurance quote today for my car.

They offered me a fire-and-theft policy.

I thought, “Who’d nick a car that was on fire?”

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“When might we take the kids to Disneyland?”

the wife asked me a few weeks ago.

I thought about it, and replied, “May.”

It’s been a blast watching her pack,

and the kids getting excited.

All I did was correct her grammar.

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A man walked over to a kid playing with a

huge lizard and asked if he could see it.

After fiddling around with it for a few moments,

he asked what its name was.

The kid replied with, “Tiny.”

“How on Earth did you ever get a name like that

for such a huge creature?” the man asked in awe.

The kid replied with, “Because he’s my newt!”

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My wife is a mute.

She communicates by embroidery.

It’s her own version of sign language,

sew to speak.

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I can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory

after all the extra hours I put in.

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I heard vandals have broken into

an origami exhibition

and ruined all the exhibits.

Police are trying to work out

how it all unfolded.

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My gym instructor pointed at fifteen heavy dumbbells

and told me I had to lift them all

over the next quarter of an hour.

Weight a minute…

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What do you call seafood in a cement mixer?

Hardcore prawn.

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News just in:

Stevie Nicks has announced her

engagement to William Shatner.

When they get married she will

be known as Stevie Shatner Nicks.

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Ignorant? Why, I Don’t Know The Meaning Of The Word!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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They say ignorance is bliss and to a great extent I think that is correct.

I’m not sure you could say puns are bliss, but some of us seem to enjoy them, and for those who do here are some more.

Enjoy or endure.

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I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.

It’s a Bordeaux collie.

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My friend asked me to get him a job at the opticians.

He knew I had the contacts.

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I’ve just opened a shoe shop.

So far I’ve successfully kept everyone away from it.

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I applied for a job in Australia

I think I have the necessary koalafications.

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During a spelling test, our teacher told us to write down ‘to capitalize’.

That one was too easy I thought, as I wrote ‘I I’.

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I used to smoke Benson & Hedges, but then I changed brands.

It’s all been Dunhill from there.

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I just bought a Swiss car.

It runs like clockwork,

but I can’t figure out how to get it out of neutral.

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I’ve decided to make money writing dieting books.

I’m told they appeal to a very wide audience.

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I laid flowers for mother at the wrong tombstone.

It was a grave mistake.

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An apostrophe is the difference between

a business that should know its shit,

and a business that should know it’s shit.

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A few people are complaining about the new

lightning conductor at the concert hall.

A lot of the orchestra can’t keep up with him.

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I fixed my wife up with a new job the other day

– as a human cannonball.

She went ballistic!

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I made a hotel out of little cheesy biscuits.

It’s not exactly the Ritz.

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I went to the doctor feeling ill and he said

“Lie down and cover yourself in salt.”

“How will that help?” I asked.

“Don’t know,” he said. “But in a week’s time you’ll be cured”.

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Deleted scene from Alien:

“I can’t open the milk!”

“In space, no-one can. Here, use cream.”

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What You Seize Is What You Get.

Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And what you get today is more word play, otherwise known as puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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It was a big mistake I made, when I dared to be different.

I’ve never been the same since.

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My girlfriend and I write all our love letters in pencil.

We have a no-pen relationship.

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I could demonstrate to you how easily my new

drill goes through human flesh and bone…

But I don’t want to bore you.

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You have to question the modus operandi of

people who use Latin for no reason.

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When my friend’s enormous wife was rushed to A&E with

chest pains the doctor examined her

and said she needed a bypass.

He asked,

“Isn’t that a bit extreme, doctor?”

The Doc replied,

“Maybe, but she’s blocking other patients from getting into the hospital.”

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My plan to make money by using discarded feathers

to make soft furnishings has ended in disaster.

I can’t fill anything from the waste down

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A worker has fallen in to a large vat of melted butter at a dairy factory.

His condition has yet to be clarified.

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What do you call it when a bunch of women

dress up in saris before a wedding?

A hendu.

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A man applied for a job as a gynecologist the other day.

Unfortunately he was not qualified so he didn’t get a look in.

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Can anyone recommend something

I can use in loo of toilet paper?

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I just started my new job at a leaf disposal company.

I’ve been raking it in.

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I had to send in a duplicate application to get a job making retro cars at Citroen.

They needed 2 CVs.

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I’ve just watched a video of lions being fed at Copenhagen Zoo.

It was very giraffic.

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I once met a really stupid bloke on a Greek island.

He was a Cretan.

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If I could take Abba out to lunch

I would, my friend, for Nandos.

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I’ll Never Predict The Future.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Except to predict that you are about to read another selection of those plays on words we call puns.

You’ve come too far to stop now, so you might as well…..

Enjoy or endure!

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First some breaking news:

Apple is to start going door to door in a

new marketing effort to sell more of their products

The new sales team members will be known as

iWitnesses.

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Just got myself a new job working at the

end of the production line in a vodka factory.

I’m making an Absolut packet.

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When a married couple fall out

about who makes the best coffee

is it grounds for divorce?

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Whenever my car breaks down

I take it to my Scottish friend.

Andy McCannick.

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My wife curses uncontrollably

when she chews her gum.

She’s got Nicorettes.

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My boss always asks for help with Excel.

My skills are =A1.

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I’m having trouble keeping my hands warm

with these new fingerless gloves…

Any tips?

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I was sat in my front lounge last night when my ex

drove past and threw a can of paint at my window.

I hate it when women get emulsional.

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I went out to the shop earlier to buy a book called

“100 Ways How To Build Confidence”.

I couldn’t buy it though,

the guy at the till would have laughed at me.

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I switched the letters ‘T’ and ‘K’ on my

computer to make it a little bit different.

Now it’s a QWERKY keyboard.

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Edward Deidde,

the man who spent his entire life explaining

that his surname was “deed” has collapsed.

He was airlifted to hospital

where he was pronounced dead.

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Silent but deadly farts apparently do not count

as having an air of mystery about me.

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I told my butler a joke about firing him

because the doorbell rang all day.

He didn’t get it.

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So it turns out ornithologists are not the experts

on sexual arousal I had assumed them to be.

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In case the country gets invaded and I have to quickly hide,

I have a big pop art painting on my wall

that hides a secret panic room.

I call it my handy war hole.

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Raw toast is an ideal bread substitute.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Word play day, or more puns if you like that description better.

Endure or enjoy, preferably the latter!

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“Let’s order some Chinese.”

“To do what?”

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I remember in 1995 when I went to an Oasis gig with my sister and my brother.

When the band came on stage I shouted, “Go Oasis.”

I never saw my sister after that.

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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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I went into the hardware store and said,

“These shelves you sold me are useless. I couldn’t even…”

The cashier said, “Put ’em up?”

I said, “Okay, you wanna fight about it? Come on then!”

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I was taking some notes the other day,

when I was arrested and escorted from the bank.

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I’ve just started a new job at the local slaughterhouse, stunning cows.

…And some of the sheep are pretty good looking too.

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Did you hear about the neo Nazi builder?

He liked to drill with the bosch.

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As I stood on the tube this morning I thought to myself,

“My pringles are getting crushed”

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My Pokemon card collection was destroyed in a fire.

I’ve only got Ash now.

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I was perfectly happy in Mississippi,

Then Mr Sippi came back early from his business trip.

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I love watching videos of lakes and rivers on the internet.

I’m viewing a live stream right now.

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My friend said he met a prostitute who connected a battery charger to his bits.

I said, “Woweee, how much did she charge you?”

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Two pencils decided to have a race.

They drew.

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My friend said he’s going to set a new standard in pubs

by opening one on the top of a mountain.

Personally, I think he’s raised the bar too high.

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Tattoos are great for preserving memories,

otherwise I would have totally forgotten about those anchors.

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As A Rule Of Thumb, Don’t Pick Up Hitchhikers.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But as a rule of thumb I like puns.

Hope you do too.

Here are some more.

Enjoy!

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My Japanese penpal dropped out of school recently.

He’s taken leave of his Senseis.

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I’ve got a new job stacking shelves at a supermarket for big, tall men.

It keeps me on my toes.

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I was chatting to someone about cylindrical fasteners earlier,

it was a riveting conversation.

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Skiers don’t have drunken arguments,

they just storm off-piste.

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I used to be the managing director of the world’s largest ladder company.

Until I was asked to step down.

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A friend asked if I wanted to buy his motor boat.

I jumped at the chance and bought both.

I can keep the boat on the moat.

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My friend sells knives for a living and he said if I posted

this on the internet he’d give me a cut.

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What numbskull called it the Police / Fire Department Headquarters

and not Guns and Hoses?

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I went for a job interview with the hacking group Anonymous.

Introduced myself…

And that was the end of the interview

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Just read in the news, that there’s going to be a beauty contest

where all the models are dressed up in newspaper pages.

It must be a Miss Print.

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The A- eam.

Hey, missed a T.

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I went through a lot to be with my girlfriend.

She was standing at the other end of the car park.

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I wish I’d never joined the S and M club.

They tied me into a long term contract.

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A driver waved at me to stop my car and asked if I could change attire.

Why would someone assume that I would keep spare clothes with me!

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Heck is where people go to

who don’t believe in Golly.

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Something tells me my posture might not be so great,

I don’t know.

I just have a hunch.

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Two red blood cells met and fell in love.

But alas, it was in vein.

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My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation.

Now we sell smoothies.

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Man, you get a load of boos when

you turn up to an AA meeting pissed.

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I turned up to a McDonald’s job interview

riding piggyback on a Burger King employee.

“Could I just ask what the hell you’re doing?”

the receptionist asked curtly.

“Well,” I explained patiently, “the woman on the phone told me

I should report to Reception on a rival” 

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Those Who Throw Dirt Are Sure To Lose Ground.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day again.

How did you get the week in without them?

It’s not easy, but you’ve made it and well done.

Here is the latest batch of the word play specials.

As always, enjoy!

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When the human cannonball retired they couldn’t

find a replacement of the right caliber.

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Wow my breakfast seems to have had a

really positive psychological effect on me!

Maybe it was that Freud egg I had for breakfast…..

I feel so Jung at heart?

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He tried to find a bunch of bananas at the supermarket,

but it turned out to be a fruitless search.

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Could you call a chicken led rebellion a coop d’etat?

Call that a yolk?

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Did you hear about the frog who parked at fire hydrant

– the cops came along and toad him away…

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Did you hear about the Dentist and Manicurist who got married?

They fought tooth and nail!!

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It wasn’t that he had anything against French football,

he just didn’t like Toulouse

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Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment

is bad heir-conditioning.

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There has to be a repair shop

for baroque musical instruments.

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“You can whip our cream

but you can’t beat our milk,”

said the farmer.

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This is just bang out of order!

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Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.

Well, I nearly choked on my tall soy carmel machiato latte

with no foam and extra extra (sweet and low)..

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The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

Boy! Did she hit the roof.

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I phoned my work this morning and said,

“Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”

He said,

“You have a wee cough?”

I said,

“Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!”

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I got arrested for shoplifting in the supermarket today.

I paid for six cans of Sprite at the checkout,

but when security checked my bag

he discovered I’d picked seven up.

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I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy.

This pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.

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We had another row last night,

the underlying message being that my

“sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship”.

Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up,

packed my things and right.

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I’m nervous and excited about the new

job I start at a restaurant tomorrow.

I just can’t wait.

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Did you here about the Taxidermist who was mugged?

He fought off his attacker with his bear hands.

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I saw a guy stacking shelves at the supermarket

complaining because the top shelf was broken,

and he couldn’t keep it up.

I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction.

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It’s Better To Love A Short Girl Than Not A Tall.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It may be better to love a short girl than not a tall, but it’s definitely better to have a read at some puns than not at all.

Another selection guaranteed to extract a few laughs or groans.

Enjoy!

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I’m going out tonight to prove I can travel by bus without a valid ticket.

I’ll let you know how I got on.

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I feel that geographical puns are beneath me;

there’s Norway I’d go Oslo as that.

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Maths puns are the first sine of madness.

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My wife said she’s getting fed up of my constant guitar puns.

I told her not to fret.

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What is yellow and white, and throws itself off the edge of the dining table?

A lemming meringue.

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My dentist just won ‘dentist of the year’

All he got was a little plaque.

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Pancake day really crepe’d up on me this year.

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Suicide bombers: what makes them tick?

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I used to have a job operating an elevator.

It had its ups and downs…

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A bloke walks into a pub and orders himself a pint.

He notices Vincent Van Gogh is sitting on the next barstool and asks him if he wants a pint, too.

“No thanks,” replies Vincent. “I’ve got one ear.”

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My mate said he had a new job at a Bowling Alley.

I said, “Ten Pin?”

He replied, “No – it’s permanent.”

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Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

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Exit signs. They’re on the way out, aren’t they?”

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