Bad Actors Have Their Work Cut Out.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Bad actors do get their work cut out, fortunately for both them and those of us who watch their movies.

However, bad puns are never cut out because the worse they are the better they are.

And here’s another selection to prove it.

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

 

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It’s not my fault I blame

everyone else for my mistakes.

It's not my fault

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Steve Jobs,

a man who lived life to the macs

Apple Macs

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I haven’t made a prediction

in my life and I never will.

prediction

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There are two types of people in this world.

Those who can extrapolate incomplete data

extrapolate incomplete data

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I have trouble taking responsibility for my actions.

I blame my parents.

taking responsibility

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The life of a snail is taken

with a pinch of salt.

salt

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“I’m worried that those plants are artificial.”

“They’re not.”

“Well that’s a real leaf.”

real leaf

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My motto is:

If you can’t beat them,

what’s the point in becoming a teacher?

teacher

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I’ve just arrived at the camouflage club

and I can see we have a big turnout.

Which is really disappointing.

camouflage club

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Whilst buying some nuts today

I noticed the pack said

“stachios”

I thought…

someone’s taken the pis

pistachios

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Be a scientist.

If at first you don’t succeed,

redefine success.

scientist

 

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One way or another I’m going to

have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics.

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Boffin Bollocks!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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mad scientist cartoon

I would love to have been a scientist.

Not a real one, I’m not clever enough or dedicated enough for that. Rather, I would have loved to have been one of those idiots who try to make a name for themselves off pronouncements on things about which they know absolutely nothing.

I saw another one of their headline grabbers (that I like to call “boffin bollocks”) recently. The headline went something like “Shock Warning Aliens Are Coming.” And it wasn’t about more Mexicans making their way north across the US border.

It was from NASA’s Chief Scientist, Ellen Stofan, and claimed that first contact with alien life will happen “very soon” – very soon being not tomorrow, but within the next decade or two.

“We know where to look,” she confirmed.

Yes, “UP” would be my non-scientific guess at the best direction.

“We know how to look,” she added.

Again I am forced to agree. Personally I’d use a telescope, and a great big one, but that’s only me!

astronomer cartoon www.davidreneke.com

Ms Stofan was ably backed up by a colleague, John M. Grunsfeld, who came out with good sound bite words and phrases like “solar system”, “galaxy”, “the icy crusts of Jupiter’s moons Ganymede and Europa” (my favorite I think) and “the internal water within Saturn’s moon Enceladus”.

Mars and the Martians also got mentioned, but only with suggestions that life may have at one time been present on the planet. H. G. and Orson Wells had beaten them to visits by the ‘real’ Martians many, many years ago.

War of the Worlds

More scientists, this time at the Parkes Observatory in Australia, have been carefully studying peryton-a type of radio signals similar to Fast Radio Bursts (FRBs) which are known to come from somewhere else in the galaxy.

For years, they had been puzzled by these brief but intense bursts of radio waves that in some ways appeared to be coming from deep space. There have been dozens of reported perytons, some dating back to the 1990s, and theories about the signals’ origin included ball lightning, aircraft, and components of the telescopes themselves.

Then this year they made a break through. They discovered the source of the rogue signals. They were coming from – no, not somewhere deep in the galaxy – but instead from the microwave oven in the next room.

In what has to be the understatement of the year, Emily Petroff of Australia’s Swinburne University of Technology admitted, “It was quite surprising that it ended up being microwaves.”  I bet it was!

microwave aliens

I must add that I’m a big fan of space exploration, always have been, since I was a kid and was captivated by the television coverage of the Apollo missions. My only regret is that it all takes so very long that I will have gone ‘supernova’ before we see any tangible results of that exploration. There’s never a handy wormhole around when you need one, is there!

I am also a big fan of TV sci-fi series like the Star Treks, the Stargates and so forth, and of movies from ‘War of the Worlds’, thru ‘E.T.’ to ‘Independence Day’ and beyond. But I also have the wit to realize I’m being entertained and these things are not real.

So is there life out there?

I wouldn’t rule the idea out for a second. But what I would rule out is that intelligent life is ever going to be found within our Solar System, maybe not even within our Galaxy. But it could be out there somewhere.

The question we should be asking is, assuming it is benign and not hell bent on conquering all in its path, or maybe viewing us as a culinary delicacy, would that intelligent life really want anything to do with a planet full of people who, for almost their entire existence, seem to want nothing better than to continually wage war on each other?

I think having observed us for a while they would probably pass us by without calling in to say hello.

If I were in their shoes – or space boots – that’s what I would do – and at warp speed too!

alien observers

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Hope You Know Something About Camels – It’s Quiz Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Strange how these things happen, but today’s quiz seems to feature camels.

Not to worry though, there is the usual random selection of questions to go along with that so you may do okay anyway.

As usual if you get stuck you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating.

Enjoy and good luck.

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quiz confused1

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Q.  1:  Which Ocean goes to the deepest depths?

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Q.  2:  What kind of animal is a ‘St Lucia Parrot’?

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Q.  3:  What is the common name of the stir-fried rice noodle dish commonly served as a street food or as meal in Thai restaurants.

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Q.  4:  Each year the Moon moves away from the Earth by what distance?

           (a)  two inches             (b)  two feet            (c)  two yards            (d)  two miles?

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Q.  5:  What do you call a triangle with two equal sides and equal opposite angles?

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Q.  6:  Where is the world’s largest aquarium located?

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Q.  7:  What continent do camels originally come from?

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Q.  8:  And on which continent do you find the most camels today?

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Q.  9:  What are the first and the last letters of the Greek Alphabet? (You need both answers to score a point.)

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Q. 10:  What does the chemical symbol ‘U’ represent?

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Q. 11:  What word is used to describe someone who is neither left handed nor right handed, but can use both hands with equal ease?

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Q. 12:  What type of insect is a ‘Spanish fly’?

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Q. 13:  What is 61 degrees Fahrenheit in degrees Celsius?

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Q. 14:  What allegedly happened to British scientist Sir Isaac Newton that made him think about his theory of universal gravitation?

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Q. 15:  The sum of two numbers is 53 and their difference is 9. What are the two numbers?

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Q. 16:  What two creatures are on the Australian coat of arms?

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Q. 17:  What planet in our solar system has the strongest surface winds?

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Q. 18:  What are sticks of blackboard chalk made from?

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Q. 19:  What is the wizard called ‘Olórin’ from ‘The Lord Of The Rings’ better known as?

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Q. 20:  How many colors are there in the rainbow?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  Which Ocean goes to the deepest depths?

A.  1:  The Pacific Ocean.

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Q.  2:  What kind of animal is a ‘St Lucia Parrot’?

A.  2:  It’s a Parrot, from St Lucia. You coulda guessed it!

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Q.  3:  What is the common name of the stir-fried rice noodle dish commonly served as a street food or as meal in Thai restaurants.

A.  3:  It is called Pad Thai.

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Q.  4:  Each year the Moon moves away from the Earth by what distance?

           (a)  two inches             (b)  two feet            (c)  two yards            (d)  two miles?

A.  4:  The correct answer is (a)  two Inches.

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Q.  5:  What do you call a triangle with two equal sides and equal opposite angles?

A.  5:  It is known as an ‘Isosceles Triangle’.

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Q.  6:  Where is the world’s largest aquarium located?

A.  6:  At Disney World’s Epcot Center in Florida.

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Q.  7:  What continent do camels originally come from?

A.  7:  North America, not Africa.

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Q.  8:  And on which continent do you find the most camels today?

A.  8:  Australia.

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Q.  9:  What are the first and the last letters of the Greek Alphabet? (You need both to score a point.)

A.  9:  Alpha and Omega.

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Q. 10:  What does the chemical symbol ‘U’ represent?

A. 10:  Uranium.

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Q. 11:  What word is used to describe someone who is neither left handed nor right handed, but can use both hands with equal ease?

A. 11:  Ambidextrous.

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Q. 12:  What type of insect is a ‘Spanish fly’?

A. 12:  It is a ‘Beetle’.

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Q. 13:  What is 61 degrees Fahrenheit in degrees Celsius?

A. 13:  This is one of the easy ones to remember, just reverse the numbers, 61 degrees Fahrenheit is 16 degrees Celsius.

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Q. 14:  What allegedly happened to British scientist Sir Isaac Newton that made him think about his theory of universal gravitation?

A. 14:  The story goes that an apple fell on his head.

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Q. 15:  The sum of two numbers is 53 and their difference is 9. What are the two numbers?

A. 15:  22 and 31.

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Q. 16:  What two creatures are on the Australian coat of arms?

A. 16:  A Kangaroo and an Emu.

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Q. 17:  What planet in our solar system has the strongest surface winds?

A. 17:  Neptune. (If you guessed ‘Uranus’ you don’t get a point but I like the way you think.)

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Q. 18:  What are sticks of blackboard chalk made from?

A. 18:  Gypsum (Calcium Sulphate).

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Q. 19:  What is the wizard called ‘Olórin’ from ‘The Lord Of The Rings’ better known as?

A. 19:  He is better known as ‘Gandalf’.

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Q. 20:  How many colors are there in a rainbow?

A. 20:  Seven. Known as the spectral colors they are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet.   What do you think, Peggy….

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Apparently 5/3rds Of People Can’t Do Fractions.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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5/3rds? That’s almost half, isn’t it?

But never mind all that, today isn’t about mathematics, it’s about puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Recently got myself a symphony orchestra but for some reason

all they eat is lemons and strawberry shortcake.

They’re called the Bittersweet Symphony.

Bittersweet Symphony

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My brother just got his exam results

for his Double Equine Studies.

He got a G G.

GG

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My friend’s wife started her job on a cruise ship last week.

I asked him, “How is she getting on?”

He replied, “I’m not sure, I think they use a crane.”

crane

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Did you hear about the two clams

who went out on a cheap date?

They were just being shellfish.

clam-thumb-460x260

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Two geologists were staring

at a huge fissure in a cliff face

and one was overheard to say

‘It’s not my fault’.

fissure in cliff face

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I once tried telling a joke about bad postmen,

the delivery was all wrong.

cartoon-postman-running-away-from-a-dog-he-is-dropping-his-letters

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When an actress saw her first strands of

gray hair she thought she’d dye.

first grey hair

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Paddy took two stuffed dogs he had

on to the Antiques Road Show

“Ooooh,” says the presenter.

“This is a very rare breed.”

“Do you have any idea what they’d fetch

if they were in good condition?”

“I dunno.” says Paddy.

“Sticks?”

roadshow2

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My doctor reckons I’m paranoid.

He didn’t say it,

but I know he’s thinking it.

paranoid

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An elderly man with Alzheimer’s walks into a bar

and sees a rather tasty elderly woman.

He walks over and sits beside her and says,

“Do I come here often?”

old man cartoon

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It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.

I was searching for cigarette lighters

and found over 15,000 matches.

match and cigarette lighter

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Scientist:

“My findings are pointless when taken out of context.”

Media:

“Scientist claims ‘findings are pointless’.”

cartoon scientist

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My friend was sacked yesterday

for sexual harassment.

No one understands why,

he was always hard at work.

hard at work

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My friend just told me he saw a midget climbing

over the wall of the prison on a bed sheet.

I told him he was a little con descending.

midget

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So the young teenage girl says to her mother,

“I think I’m pregnant.”

“What?” exclaims the mother.

“But we had a talk about this.”

“I told you if a boy touches your breast you are to say ‘STOP’

and if he tries to touch you down there your are to say ‘DON’T’.”

“But Mom,” the girl replies.

“He touched them both at the same time.”

“And I shouted ‘DON’T’  ‘STOP’.”

mom-daughter-cartoon

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It May Be The First Monday In August, But It’s Still Quiz Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Hello and thanks for stopping by the fasab blog.

Yes, today is the first Monday in August (how fast is this year going?) and time for another quiz.

As usual the answers are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below – but NO cheating!

Have a go and, hopefully, enjoy.

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quiz 04

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Q.  1:  Which Sergeant Detective Lieutenant worked with Scientist Ted Olson under the watchful eye of Captain Ed Hocken?

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Q.  2:  The slogan for which famous website is ‘We Open Governments’?

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Q.  3:  What are the genetically engineered robots called in the movie ‘Blade Runner’?

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Q.  4:  With 4,400 km, what is the longest river in the world beginning with the letter ‘L’?  (Bonus point if you know what country it is in.)

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Q.  5:  Which band has had a record 36 top ten albums in the US charts?

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Q.  6:  The OSS was the predecessor of which organization?

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Q.  7:  The two amiable lawbreakers Robert LeRoy Parker and Harry Longabaugh were better known as what?

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Q.  8:  A ‘Black Perigord’ is an expensive example of what?

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Q.  9:  The world heritage site of Petra is located in what country?

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Q. 10:  What is the well known word for ‘sailor of the universe’?

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Q. 11:  The name of which criminal syndicate translated means ‘our thing’?

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Q. 12:  H.G. Wells ‘The Time Machine’ has been made into a movie twice. Which actor played the ‘Time Traveler’ in a) the original 1960 movie and b) the 2002 version?  (A point for each.)

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Q. 13:  What is the well known translation for ‘River of January’?

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Q. 14:  John Spilsbury is credited with putting together which baffling invention in the 1760s?

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Q. 15:  Which politician is the co-author of the book ‘Judo: History, Theory, Practice’?

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Q. 16:  Which Hollywood sex symbol did RAF pilots get into during World War II?

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Q. 17:  Which world famous Hollywood actress does one associate with the words “I want to be alone..”?

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Q. 18:  Which uplifting 1956 invention carried Sir Christopher Cockerell to fame?

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Q. 19:  Before reunification what was the capital of West Germany?

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Q. 20:  And finally, a question to chew on. What is the name of the famous department store in Moscow?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  Which Sergeant Detective Lieutenant worked with Scientist Ted Olson under the watchful eye of Captain Ed Hocken?

A.  1:  ‘Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant Police Squad’ in the Police Squad TV series and Naked Gun movies, played by the late Leslie Nielsen.

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Q.  2:  The slogan for which famous website is ‘We Open Governments’?

A.  2:  WikiLeaks.

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Q.  3:  What are the genetically engineered robots called in the movie ‘Blade Runner’?

A.  3:  They are called ‘Replicants’.

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Q.  4:  With 4,400 km, what is the longest river in the world beginning with the letter ‘L’?

A.  4:  The River Lena in Russia.  It is also the 11th longest river in the world and has the 9th largest watershed.

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Q.  5:  Which band has had a record 36 top ten albums in the US charts?

A.  5:  The Rolling Stones.

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Q.  6:  The OSS was the predecessor of which organization?

A.  6:  The OSS (Office of Strategic Services) was the predecessor of the CIA.

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Q.  7:  The two amiable lawbreakers Robert LeRoy Parker and Harry Longabaugh were better known as what?

A.  7:  Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

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Q.  8:  A ‘Black Perigord’ is an expensive example of what?

A.  8:  A Truffle.

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Q.  9:  The world heritage site of Petra is located in what country?

A.  9:  Jordan.

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Q. 10:  What is the well known word for ‘sailor of the universe’?

A. 10:  Cosmonaut (Astronaut is ‘sailor of the stars’).

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Q. 11:  The name of which criminal syndicate translated means ‘our thing’?

A. 11:  Cosa Nostra.

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Q. 12:  H.G. Wells ‘The Time Machine’ has been made into a movie twice. Which actor played the ‘Time Traveler’ in a) the original 1960 movie and b) the 2002 version?

A. 12:  Two answers a) Rod Taylor and b) Guy Pearce.

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Q. 13:  What is the well known translation for ‘River of January’?

A. 13:  Rio de Janeiro.

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Q. 14:  John Spilsbury is credited with putting together which baffling invention in the 1760s?

A. 14:  The Jigsaw Puzzle.

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Q. 15:  Which politician is the co-author of the book ‘Judo: History, Theory, Practice’?

A. 15:  Vladimir Putin.

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Q. 16:  Which Hollywood sex symbol did RAF pilots get into during World War II?

A. 16:  Mae West. The automatically inflatable lifejacket worn by RAF pilots was given the nickname Mae West.

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Q. 17:  Which world famous Hollywood actress does one associate with the words “I want to be alone..”?

A. 17:  Greta Garbo.

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Q. 18:  Which uplifting 1956 invention carried Sir Christopher Cockerell to fame?

A. 18:  The Hovercraft.

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Q. 19:  Before reunification what was the capital of West Germany? 

A. 19:  Bonn.

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Q. 20:  And finally, a question to chew on. What is the name of the famous department store in Moscow?

A. 20:  GUM  Glavnyi Universalnyi Magazin.

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Clever Celebrity Caricatures

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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As most of you know, the main focus of this blog is on the stupidity of the politicians and bureaucrats who do all that they can to make our lives less enjoyable and free than they could be without such unwanted and idiotic interference.

Occasionally, however, I like to feature quite the opposite, things and people who are exceptional in their chosen field, whether that be science, sport, engineering, music or whatever.

Today’s post is one of the latter and is a wonderful selection of caricatures that I received in a recent email. Unfortunately I don’t know the names of the exceptional artists who did these drawings, otherwise I would be more than happy to acknowledge them. Nonetheless I think as wide an audience as possible deserves to be able to view their work and what follows I hope will be a small part of that.

Enjoy, I think you will. And if you feel the urge please let me know you favorite or favorites.

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Caricatures.

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Einstein

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Angela Merkel and Gordon Brown

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Barack Obama and Arnold Schwarzenegger

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Benedikt XVI and Prince Charles

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George W Bush and Vladimir Poetin

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Bill Clinton and Gerhard Schroder

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Donald Trump and Bill Gates

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Andy Warhol and Salvador Dali

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Pablo Picasso and Karl Lagerfeld

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Quentin Tarantino and Alfred Hitchcock .

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Steven Spielberg and Roman Polanski

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Angela Jolie and Brad Pitt.

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Bette Davis and Marlene Dietrich.

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Bill Murray and Bruce Willis

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Christopher Walken

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Clint Eastwood and George Clooney

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Humphrey Bogart and Harrison Ford

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Jack Nicholson and Jamie Lee Curtis

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John Wayne and Klaus Kinski

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Lee Marvin and Marilyn Monroe

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Meryl Streep and Nicolas Cage

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Paul Newman and Orson Wells

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Penelope Cruz and Robert de Niro

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Rowan Atkinson and Sarah Jessica Parker

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Sean Connery and Sophia Loren

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Sylvester Stallone and Tom Cruise.

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Tom Hanks and Uma Thurman

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Whoopi Goldberg and Bruce Lee

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Bjork and David Bowie

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Chet Baker

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Dolly Parton and Duke Ellington

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Elvis Presley and Eric Clapton

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James Brown and John Lenon

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Keith Richards and Kylie Minogue

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Lou Reed and Michael Jackson

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Madonna

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Mick Jagger and Neil Young

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Paul McCartney and Steve Tyler

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Tina Turner and Katarina Witt

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THE END

(Copyright to all drawings belong to the original artists)

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I Suppose I Should Be Doing These On A Punday Not A Thursday

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I got an email recently from Paul Ryan (well, probably one of his little helpers) inviting me to some kind of election shin-dig they were having. How he got my email address I don’t know because I haven’t signed up for anything even resembling political.

Whoever wins, we get the same people really in charge. There can be no doubt about that after Obama’s four years of “no we can’t” and changing nothing of consequence.

And then there was the debate in Denver. By all accounts a win for Romney and a lackluster performance by Obama. A CBS News poll of “uncommitted voters”, gave Romney 46% as opposed to 22% for Obama (with 32% calling it a tie).

Not that performance in debates count for much in the long run, but this one has made an “unshakable” lead for Obama into a much closer competition – until the next debate anyway – which might turn what has been a relatively dull campaign into something more exciting. Don’t hold your breath, though.

 

Meantime we have much more important things to investigate and to lighten the mood.

Yes, from pundit to punday, another excuse for more bad jokes, using the clever ploy of the pun.

Can you take it?

If you can, then enjoy.

 

 

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

 

 

Is the Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under?

 

 

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

 

 

A lot of money is tainted – taint yours and taint mine.

 

 

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

 

 

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

 

 

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

 

 

Are Santa’s helpers subordinate clauses?

 

 

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

 

 

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

 

 

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

 

 

When the actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

 

 

When a scientist was doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals to try to solve a problem he accidentally fell in and became part of the solution.

 

 

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, could it spell disaster?

 

 

After they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.

 

 

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

 

 

The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.

 

 

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

 

 

Rabbits like their beer brewed with a lot of hops.

 

 

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

 

 

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