People Who Have Bluetooth Handsets Need A Clip Round The Ear.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I’m tempted to say that you need a clip round the ear if you don’t like puns, but I know you do.

Why else would you be here?

Unless it’s for pun-ishment.

Enjoy or endure!!

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Why are photographers always so depressed?

Because they always focus on the negatives.

 

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I bought a flea circus yesterday,

but one of them won’t go on the high wire.

It’s a nervous tick.

 

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I played in a football match

that ended in a 2-2 draw.

No 1-1

 

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I don’t mind doing crosswords,

but dot to dot puzzles are where I draw the line.

 

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What do you call it when a prisoner

falls from the top of a building?

Condescending.

 

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I invented the upside down house.

It’s now a top cellar.

 

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To neigh or not to neigh.

That is equestrian.

 

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Support your local

search and rescue squad.

Get lost

 

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Why did the Mafia boss cross the road?

Revenge!

The road had crossed him the week before.

 

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My uncle slipped on some beans last week.

If only he had the benefit of Heinz sight.

 

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I took my dog to a car showroom today.

I turned to him and said,

“They have an interesting Range Rover.”

 

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If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end,

someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them,

five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

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Disappearing Beaches And Dead Fish – It’s Fact Day.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Two of the facts today do indeed relate to disappearing beaches and dead fish.

Rather surprisingly though, the two facts are not related.

Find out for yourself below.

And enjoy.

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The optic nerve,

which connects the eyes to the brain,

is too sensitive to successfully reconstruct.

 

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The most powerful conventional (non-nuclear) weapon

in the world is the

Aviation Thermobaric Bomb of Increased Power (ATBIP),

nicknamed “Father of All Bombs” or “FOAB’,

a Russian-made air-delivered/land-activated

thermobaric weapon whose destructive power,

according to Russian deputy chief of the general staff

Alexander Rukshin was such that,

“all that is alive merely evaporates.”

The bomb is reportedly four times as powerful as the

US military’s Massive Ordnance Air Blast bomb or “MOAB”

mentioned in last week’s fasab facts.

 

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South Africa has eleven official languages,

the highest number of any country in the world.

 

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Swansea Jack was a black retriever dog from Wales

with a big heart and lots of courage that became

famous in the 1930s for rescuing people from the sea.

He saved twenty-seven people and won many

awards for his heroic acts.

Swansea Jack is the only dog to have been

awarded two bronze medals

(‘the canine Victoria Cross’)

by the National Canine Defence League

(now known as Dogs Trust).

 

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Vitamin E acts as an antioxidant in the body

and supports the immune system in

fighting off bacteria and viruses.

Almonds, as well as other nuts like peanuts

and hazelnuts are high sources of vitamin E.

One ounce of dry roasted almonds

contains 6.8 mg of vitamin A,

which is 34% of the daily recommended value.

 

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The first book bought on Amazon was called

‘Fluid Concepts and Creative Analogies:

Computer Models of the Fundamental Mechanisms of Thought.’

 

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Charles Cunningham Boycott was a British

land agent living in 19th century Ireland,

who was ostracized by his local community after

he refused his tenants´ demands for reduction in rates.

His name lives on  and is synonymous with acts of

political or social protest by voluntarily abstaining from

using, buying, or dealing with a person, organization, or country.

 

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At Porthleven in Cornwall (UK) the entire sand

volume mysteriously disappeared due to a freak tide,

but after a second high tide a few hours later,

the entire sand volume was re-deposited on the beach,

returning it to its original state.

A case of now you don’t see it, now you do!

(David Copperfield was not around at the time.)

 

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The Chevrolet Silverado is a mega-selling full-size

and heavy-duty pickup truck manufactured

by General Motors and introduced in 1999

as the successor to the long-running Chevrolet C/K line.

In 2014 Cheverolet sold 529,755 Silverados,

or almost 1 every minute.

 

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During the medieval period, London and Paris

each had no more than forty thousand residents.

In contrast cities, such as Constantinople and Baghdad,

had about a million people each.

 

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The voices of Mickey & Minnie Mouse,

Wayne Allwine & Russi Taylor,

married each other in real life, too.

 

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Vending machines kill more people per year

than sharks and snakes combined.

According to the available police reports

the deaths usually happen when the vending machine

steals somebody’s snack, drink, or money,

and they decide to hit it a bit too hard causing

the vending machine to fall on them.

 

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In the German city of Hamburg in 1842,

about a quarter of the inner city was destroyed

and an estimated twenty thousand lost their property.

Surprisingly only fifty-one people lost their lives.

 

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In Lyme Regis, a little coastal town

in West Dorset, England,

slapping people with a dead eel is prohibited.

There had been a tradition known as

“the conger-cuddling”, in which people swung

dead eels at each other but in 2006,

the game was banned by local bureaucrats not

because it might have injured the people taking

part in this activity but because

– wait for it –

an animal rights group claimed

it was disrespectful to the dead fish.

 

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Wallilabou Anchorage, situated at Wallilabou Bay

on the west or leeward coast of the main island

of St Vincent on the Caribbean Sea,

was the principal Caribbean location for

Disney’s 2003 blockbuster ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’.

It is still home to many of the props,

including replicas of cannons.

Many fans visit it annually.

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Make Sure You Smile – It’s Fact Day.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s not that the facts today are particularly funny, in fact some of them are the exact opposite.

But if you are in Milan and reading this post I bet you are smiling anyway.

Find out why.

Enjoy.

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Trakr, a German shepherd survivor detection dog,

made history when he became the dog that found the

last survivor of the World Trade Center attack on September 11.

For his accomplishments, Trakr was named

one of history’s most heroic animals by Time.

Trakr died in 2009 at age fourteen.

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75% of the world’s population

speaks more than one language,

but 75% of the world’s population

speak no English.

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Having a pet makes you happier

because petting an animal

releases oxytocin in our brains,

which is sometimes known as

the “cuddle hormone”.

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The eyes blink on an average of

17 times per minute,

that’s 14,280 times per day

or 5.2 million times a year.

 

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In the early Middle Ages,

Europeans divided the day

into seven hours of equal length and,

because summer days are longer than winter ones,

a winter hour was about sixty minutes,

but a summer one was about 150 minutes.

A little bit confusing I think.

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Trampolines contribute to at least

two deaths and numerous serious injuries

each year.

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Giacomo Casanova was an 18th century

Italian adventurer and nobleman famous for

his numerous elaborate affairs with women.

Today, if a man is referred to as a ‘Casanova’,

it can mean anything from an

attentive seducer to a mere lecher.

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In January 2012, dozens of turtles

were found dead in Keystone Heights, Florida,

at the end of Pinon Road.

No one, including the

Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission,

has been able to figure out what happened.  

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The most powerful non-nuclear bomb

ever created by the US military is the

Massive Ordinance Air Blast bomb,

better known as ‘MOAB’.

It is also more popularly known as

the “Mother of All Bombs”.

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Charles Dickens’s house had a secret door

in the form of a fake bookcase.

The fake books on its shelves included

titles such as ‘The Life of a Cat’

in 9 volumes of course.

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Ford’s F-150 has been the best-selling

vehicle in America for the past 33 years

and the best-selling truck since 1977.

Ford have sold over 34,000,000 of them

since they started production in 1948.

Last year alone they sold 753,851,

which is an incredible 2,065 a day,

or one every 35 seconds.

If you parked every Ford F-150

ever made side by side,

they would stretch for 49,802 miles (80,150 km),

the equivalent to twice around the Equator.

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The first black astronaut was Robert Henry Lawrence Jr.,

but he died before he could travel to space.

The first black astronaut in space

(spending more then 28 days there)

was Guion Bluford in 1983.

He was inducted into the

International Space Hall of Fame in 1997 and into

the United States Astronaut Hall of Fame in 2010.

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The world’s greatest disaster suffered

as a result of animal attacks on humans

happened on Ramree Island during WWII.

The island is infested with saltwater crocodiles

and nearly 500 Japanese troops were eaten alive there.

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When Star Wars: A New Hope was

first being shown in movie theaters

France was still executing people by guillotine.

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Ending today’s facts on a happy note,

if you want to visit Milan, Italy,

make sure to smile all the time as the

Italian city has imposed a ban on frowning.

It is a legal requirement to smile at all times,

except during funerals or hospital visits.

If you don’t you can face a fine.

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Don’t Beam Me Up Just Yet, Scotty!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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You will get what the title is all about later. Let’s just say for now I’ll still be buying my airplane tickets and enduring the rigors of airport security for a few years longer.

As for now it’s Fact Day so have a look at the current offerings.

Enjoy.

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In cold weather keeping your cell phone

as close to your body as you can,

or in the inside pocket of an insulated base layer

will help keep it warm and prolong battery life.

 

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In the West women usually start shopping for baby things

as soon as they discover they’re pregnant

but in China a pregnant Chinese woman will avoid

getting a stroller before her baby is born because

according to Chinese tradition it’s considered

bad luck to have an empty stroller in the house

while you’re pregnant.

 

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The world’s oldest-known formula for toothpaste

was created by the ancient Egyptians

who used crushed rock salt, mint, dried iris flowers,

and pepper and mixed them to create a cleaning powder.

Research suggests this ancient toothpaste was more

effective than formulas used as recently as a century ago,

although it did have the unfortunate side effect

of causing bleeding gums.

 

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A scientific study has suggested that if you

are stressing over an important test or exam,

writing down your feelings on a piece of paper

before an exam will allow you to achieve higher scores.

 

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Contrary to many theories,

the tongue does not have specific receptor areas

for bitter, sour, salty, and sweet flavors.

In fact, there is a fifth taste (umami, for savory/meaty flavors)

and all zones of the tongue can sense all flavors.

 

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After banning the Nobel Prize,

Adolf Hitler developed his own version

– the German National Prize for Art and Science.

Ferdinand Porsche was one of the awardees

for being the man behind the world’s first

hybrid car and for the Volkswagen Beetle.

 

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In a statement he gave to the New York Times in 1909,

Nikola Tesla predicted that it would soon be possible

to transmit messages via personal devices.

Today, we have wireless communication devices

that we bring with us anywhere we go.

 

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A month after the USSR sent Sputnik 1 into space,

they sent Sputnik 2, which was the first spacecraft

to carry an animal (a dog named Laika) into space.

However, despite the Soviets initially claiming that

Laika had survived in orbit for a week,

decades later official Russian sources revealed

that Laika lived only a few hours

before dying from overheating.

Brave little doggie though.

 

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During WWI “Hello Girls,” as American

soldiers called them, were American women

who served as telephone operators for

Pershing’s forces in Europe.

The women were fluent in French and English

and were specially trained by the American

Telephone and Telegraph Company.

In 1979, the U.S. Army finally gave war medals

and veteran benefits to the few Hello Girls who were still alive.

 

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In its early days YouTube’s founders used

Craigslist to try to popularize the site

by offering $100 to attractive girls who would

post ten or more videos of themselves.

Unfortunately, they didn’t get a single response.

 

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The phrase ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover’

goes back to at least the mid-nineteenth century

as found in George Eliot’s ‘The Mill on the Floss’ (1860),

where Mr. Tulliver uses the phrase in discussing

Daniel Defoe’s ‘The History of the Devil’,

saying how it was beautifully bound.

Its general meaning today, of course, is that

we shouldn’t judge or make a decision about

someone or something based on a brief

impression or outward appearance.

Wise advice.

 

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Just as true champagne must hail from France,

tequila has Denomination of Origin,

meaning that it has to be produced in Mexico,

mainly in the western Mexican state of Jalisco.

The states of Guanajuato, Michoacan, Nayarit,

and Tamaulipas are also acceptable.

 

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Located in the city of Taipei in Taiwan, the

D.S. Music Restaurant has nothing to do with music at all.

In fact, it is a bizarre hospital-themed restaurant

where waitresses are all dressed as nurses,

tables are made from metal hospital beds,

drinks are served in IV bottles and

walls are decorated with X-ray scans.

 

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Remember the teleporter Star Trek?

Well, it’s no longer science fiction because now

matter can be dissolved into particles, transported

and reassembled at another location.

However, it won’t be available for use on humans

in the near future because at the moment,

whilst it is indeed possible to scan every molecule

in the human body and reassemble it in another area,

according to Quantum physics, scanning and

reassembling changes the entire object.

You can’t make an exact copy.

So don’t beam me up just yet, Scotty!

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The Internet Of Things.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Last year the ‘new thing’ that all the techies were talking about was the ‘Internet of Things’.

For those who are not up to speed on this ‘new thing’, the ‘Internet of Things’ is about getting all of our household devices connected online.

This is not just a ‘new thing’ but it’s a ‘BIG thing’ too.

Already there are about 10 billion net-connected devices and predictions are that by 2020, just five years from now, the number will have grown to 50 billion devices.

More importantly, for the businesses involved in this industry, and for investors, the ‘Internet of Things’ market will be worth at least three-quarters of a trillion dollars – that’s an ‘illion’ with a ‘tr’ in front of it!

As you would expect, the big technology players aren’t wasting any time getting involved.

Samsung has developed what it calls a ‘SmartThings Hub’ which will organize all of the connected devices in your home regardless of what platform they run on. The company’s CEO has promised that by 2017, 90% of its products would be connected to the Web.

The Samsung ‘SmartThings Hub’ is compatible with the Apple ‘HomeKit’ for iOS8, which was introduced last summer.

A lot of the ‘IoT’ devices are aimed at the home security market. Many of these are already available, but with the development of the ‘IoT’ they will become much more sophisticated, have additional features, such as cameras with facial recognition capabilities, and be more affordable for the average consumer. At the moment most of the better systems carry a hefty price tag and are aimed at the high-end market.

Another big market is babies, with a number of devices coming to the market that monitor almost everything about your baby and send that information to you wherever you are via a mobile device.

Other ‘IoT’ devices for the home include smart light bulbs, Bluetooth speakers, WiFi repeaters and lots of other home entertainment applications.

You will even be able to control your coffee maker or tea kettle via wifi.

And your pets have not been forgotten either. If you just can’t bear to be unconnected to your dog, for example, you can get a smart collar like the ‘Fitbark’ or ‘Motorola Scout 5000’. If this was pun day I’d tell you it came with a paws control.

It all sounds great, for those who like that kind of thing. And indeed some of the devices will be useful and hopefully cost effective and energy saving for the home. I don’t think you’re going to have any choice because new devices for the home will come with all this new technology built in.

The big problem will be sophisticated burglars and malicious tech savvy people, who will no doubt figure out ways of hacking your system and possibly gaining control of the whole set up.

A password like ‘password’ will no longer suffice in the era of the ‘Internet of Things’.

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‘Bruce’? Did You Say ‘Bruce’? – Yes, Quiz Day Again.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, everyone it’s Quiz Day again at the fasab blog.

You will find out about ‘Bruce’ when you do the quiz, which I hope you will.

And remember, as always, if you get stuck, you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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Q.  1:  In radio what does ‘FM’ stand for?

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Q.  2:  What breed of dog is the tallest in the world?

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Q.  3:  And what is the smallest breed of dog?

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Q.  4:  The marine mammal, the ‘dugong’, is the supposed original of what?

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Q.  5:  Chance to build up a good score here with a possible 7 points available. In the business world what do these well known acronyms stand for?  (A point for each correct answer and a bonus point if you get all 6 correct.)

           a) IBM          b) HP          c) CNN          d) DHL          e) HTC          f) CVS

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Q.  6:  What common chemical compound is represented by the formula ‘nh3’?

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Q.  7:  What is a ‘quadruped’?

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Q.  8:  What Italian physicist, mathematician, engineer, and philosopher who played a major role in the scientific revolution during the Renaissance, has been called the “father of modern observational astronomy”?

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Q.  9:  Still on the subject of space, what recently landed on an asteroid after a ten year journey, bounced twice, ended up in the wrong place and then shut down after its batteries were depleted?

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Q. 10:  What is the name of the little naked bow-carrying statue that historically represents ‘intimate love’, and ‘desire’? (You can also earn a bonus point if you can name his ‘brother’.)

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Q. 11:  Of what is Bamboo the tallest variety in the world?

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Q. 12:  Which bacteria is responsible for typhoid and food poisoning?

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Q. 13:  What is the name given to someone who studies plants?

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Q. 14:  What is the mixture of potassium nitrate, charcoal and sulphur better known as?

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Q. 15:  What is ‘-459.7ºf’ also know as?

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Q. 16:  What common medical procedure and what type of drink are included in the standard phonetic alphabet?

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Q. 17:  How many cubic inches are there in a cubic foot?

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Q. 18:  How many years is it since the start of the ‘Great War’?

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Q. 19:  The invention of what in 1867, made Alfred Nobel famous?

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Q. 20:  His nickname was ‘Bruce’ and he was the star of what became the highest-grossing film in history at the time of its release in 1975, and the most successful motion picture of all time until Star Wars. What was the name of the movie?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  In radio what does ‘FM’ stand for?

A.  1:  Frequency Modulation.

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Q.  2:  What breed of dog is the tallest in the world?

A.  2:  No, not the Great Dane, the correct answer is Irish Wolfhound.

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Q.  3:  And what is the smallest breed of dog?

A.  3:  The Chihuahua. (In fact I think it is so small it doesn’t merit the extra ‘hua’.)

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Q.  4:  The marine mammal, the ‘dugong’, is the supposed original of what?

A.  4:  The Mermaid, the name ‘dugong’ means ‘lady of the sea’.

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Q.  5:  Chance to build up a good score here with a possible 7 points available. In the business world what do these well known acronyms stand for?  (A point for each correct answer and a bonus point if you get all 6 correct.)

           a) IBM          b) HP          c) CNN          d) DHL          e) HTC          f) CVS

A.  5:  a) IBM International Business Machines   b ) HP Hewlett Packard.

           c) CNN Cable Network News                            d) DHL Daisey Hillblom Lynn

           e) HTC High Tech Computer                             f) CVS Consumer Value Stores

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Q.  6:  What common chemical compound is represented by the formula ‘nh3’?

A.  6:  Ammonia.

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Q.  7:  What is a ‘quadruped’?

A.  7:  Any four footed animal.

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Q.  8:  What Italian physicist, mathematician, engineer, and philosopher who played a major role in the scientific revolution during the Renaissance, has been called the “father of modern observational astronomy”?

A.  8:  His name is Galileo, or more properly Galileo Galilei.

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Q.  9:  Still on the subject of space, what recently landed on an asteroid after a ten year journey, bounced twice, ended up in the wrong place and then shut down after its batteries were depleted?

A.  9:  The European Space Agency (ESA) Rosetta Mission Philae comet lander. (You earn a point if you said either ‘Rosetta’ or ‘Philae’ in your answer.)

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Q. 10:  What is the name of the little naked bow-carrying statue that historically represents ‘intimate love’, and ‘desire’? (You can also earn a bonus point if you can name his ‘brother’.)

A. 10:  His name is ‘Eros’ and his brother’s name is ‘Anteros’ who supposedly represents reflective or returned mature love.

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Q. 11:  Of what is Bamboo the tallest variety in the world?

A. 11:  Grass.

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Q. 12:  Which bacteria is responsible for typhoid and food poisoning?

A. 12:  Salmonella.

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Q. 13:  What is the name given to someone who studies plants?

A. 13:  A Botanist.

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Q. 14:  What is the mixture of potassium nitrate, charcoal and sulphur better known as?

A. 14:  Gunpowder.

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Q. 15:  What is ‘-459.7ºf’ also know as?

A. 15:  Absolute Zero. (So now if anyone asks you what the government has achieved you can answer ‘-459.7ºf’.)

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Q. 16:  What common medical procedure and what type of drink are included in the standard phonetic alphabet?

A. 16:  X-ray  =  X  and Whiskey = W.

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Q. 17:  How many cubic inches are there in a cubic foot?

A. 17:  1728.  (12 x 12 x 12)

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Q. 18:  How many years is it since the start of the ‘Great War’?

A. 18:  100 years this year. The Great War is also now known as World War I.

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Q. 19:  The invention of what in 1867, made Alfred Nobel famous?

A. 19:  Dynamite.

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Q. 20:  His nickname was ‘Bruce’ and he was the star of what became became the highest-grossing film in history at the time of its release in 1975, and the most successful motion picture of all time until Star Wars. What was the name of the movie?

A. 20:  The movie was ‘Jaws’, and ‘Bruce’ was the nickname give to the ‘shark’ they used in it.

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I Can’t Stand X-Rays. They Go Right Through Me.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Some people feel the same way about puns.

I hope that doesn’t include you though.

So here are some more to….

Enjoy or endure!

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I didn’t know how to spell “plagiarized”

so I copied and pasted it.

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A foreign lady at the market held

two pineapples up to me yesterday and said

“I give you two for one sir”.

It seemed like a fair swap, but unfortunately

I didn’t have a pineapple on me.

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I got a luxury prize for using the correct

punctuation mark to denote ownership.

It was a posh trophy.

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Whenever I go on a long country ramble,

I always take a good reliable compass with me.

You just never know when you might need to draw a circle.

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Postman knocked on my door the other day and asked,

“Is this letter for you? The name is smudged.”

I said, “No, It’s not for me, my name’s Smith.”

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Went to a funfair the other day and saw that

the sign advertising it was missing the first F.

That’s just unfair.

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A new book out today:

the Korean canine training manual

50 Ways to Wok your Dog

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“But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed

by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material

and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution?”

“Sedimentary, my dear Watson.”

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I tried to order some tennis balls

off the internet last night

but the site kept crashing.

Must be having problems with their server.

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A new Muslim version of Playboy is being published.

The model for the centerfold has just been unveiled.

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I was going to make a herb garden the other day,

but I just haven’t got the thyme.

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I failed Geography at school.

I couldn’t find the exam room

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Have you noticed that prison walls

are never built to scale.

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I was on holiday in Spain when a friend  phoned me.

“How’s the hotel?” he asked.

“Well, I can’t complain, “ I replied.

“Oh, that’s good then,” he said.

I said, “No, it’s terrible! I just don’t speak the lingo.”

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A guy is climbing to the top of Mount Everest.

He has two steps to go when one of them notices

the heel on his right shoe is a little loose,

yet he decides to continue.

At the next step, the heel comes off and

the guy goes tumbling down the mountain.

As he goes by, he passes a couple of climbers.

First climber: Think we should help him?

Second climber: No, as he was going down

I heard him singing

“You picked a fine time to leave me, loose heel.”

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BREAKING NEWS: Repair Man Wanted.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Nothing broken here though, you’ll be glad to hear.

So let’s get on with a bit more word play that you love to….

Enjoy or endure!

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What did Salvador Dali have for breakfast?

A bowl of surreal.

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There’s a bloke in Hungary who goes round from door to door

trying to convert people to Zen philosophy.

He’s a Buddha pest.

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If an Earl is awarded an O.B.E,

does he become an earlobe?

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My mum’s got this weird fetish for sleeping with boxing gloves.

Her doctor thinks it’s just the menopause setting in,

but I just think she’s going through a rocky patch.

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Do you think the name for the head

of the Indian Mafia is ‘Poppa Don’?

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My girlfriend asked me the other day,

“Dave, why do you always walk in front of me?”

I said, “I’m sorry, I don’t follow you.”

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There’s a monster under my bed,

that plays loud music and dances around.

That damn boogieman.

 

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I entered my dog in the redneck version of Crufts last week.

She won “Best Inbreed.”

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A man went to the doctor and said,

“I’m sick and tired of finishing crosswords so quickly!”

He said, “Try not to get two down sir.”

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I went to a fancy dress competition

dressed as Winston Churchill.

I thought my costume was great,

I had the hat, the suit, the bow tie, everything!

When I asked them whether I’d won,

they said I was close, but no cigar.

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I was in Wal Mart buying batteries today.

I asked the assistant if I would be better buying re-chargable

batteries or just get the cheapest and change them often.

“There’s positives and negatives with both,” she told me.

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My school has a really bad drugs problem.

Especially class A

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I was stopped by a policeman and

asked if I could identify myself.

I looked in the mirror and said,

“Yes officer, it’s definitely me.”

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My wife said to me,

“Tonight, in bed, you can do anything you want”.

So I invited my secretary over.

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I’m in love with an eel

– that’s a moray.

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The Opportunity Of A Lifetime!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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How often have you seen “The Opportunity Of A Lifetime” pop up on the internet or in your email?

This time it’s different, though.

This time it’s true!

Well, sort of.

Because this is your chance to own what is possibly the stupidest dog in the world.

And it won’t cost you anything either, we’re giving him away to the first good home

FOR FREE!!!

If you are stupid, and you want a companion at least as stupid as you are, if not more so, this is the perfect dog for you.

His name is ‘Scotty’, (and, yes, I have asked to be “beamed up” several times), but don’t let the name put you off.

You can call him anything you like, ‘Rover’, ‘Patch’, ‘Lassie’, ‘Monday’, ‘Tuesday’, ‘Wednesday’, ‘November’, or whatever, because it’s all the same to him – this dog is so dumb he doesn’t even know his own name.

His lack of knowledge is on such a vast scale I’m astounded the known Universe is expanding rapidly enough to contain it.

He doesn’t know how to sit. He doesn’t know how to stay. He doesn’t know how to come, or to stop, or to heel, or anything you can teach a normal dog to do.

He just doesn’t know anything.

And you won’t have to waste your time and money training him either, because this dog just cannot learn. Believe me I have done my best!

He is painfully stupid in at least the four different languages we have tried. He doesn’t speak English, nor does he hablar español, he hasn’t a clue how to parler francais, and you might as well try to speak klingon as sprechen Deutsch to him.

A big plus is that he is small and won’t eat you out of house and home. All you have to remember to do is buy cat food and not dog food and you’ll be fine. The cat beats him up every time he eats her food, but he doesn’t learn from that either. I don’t think he even knows he’s a dog.

The only one thing he has learned, is not to shit in the house, but in truth I think this has more to do with the fact that every time he tried he discovered he couldn’t with my toe up his arse.

He barks at strangers, which is good. And if he left it at that we wouldn’t mind.

But he also barks at people he knows, or rather, people he should know if he had the brains to remember who they were, which he hasn’t.

And some of the time he barks at nothing at all. It can go on for ages because, when he does bark at nothing, he must hear his own bark, think it’s another dog, and off he goes. Sometimes you can look at his face and watch him trying to figure it out.

“Woof!”

“Who said that? Grrrrr.”

“Woof!”

“There it is again!”

“Woof! Snarl.”

“WTF?”

“Woof!  Woof! Woof!”

“There’s another dog here somewhere.”

“Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!”

And on it goes for a while, until it stops for no reason, the same way it started.

He also doesn’t know his left back leg belongs to him. When he notices it is there, he attacks it as if it is another animal trying to insert itself into his leg socket. I’ve seen other dogs chasing their tail, but this is just ridiculous.

Finally, every time the front gate is opened, he has taken to running down the street after bicycles and motorbikes – that he doesn’t know how to ride – and after cars and other vehicles – that he doesn’t know how to drive. What he would do with them if he ever caught one I just don’t know! Neither does he, but he does it anyway.

Somehow, and I find this rather incredible – and disappointing – he has always managed to find his way back home. I think it’s because he tries every other house on the way back and we are the only one silly enough to let him back in. I’ve told everyone to pretend they don’t know him when he turns up and he’ll just move on to the next house and then next, but they won’t listen to me.

So come on good people of the blogsphere, which of you is going to take advantage of this incredible opportunity of a lifetime?

You know how much I love dogs, I’ve said so before on this blog, but please get in touch as soon as you can and take this stupid dog off our hands before I crack up completely!

My father gave me a lot of good advice, and one of the things he told me many years ago was never to get a dog whose arsehole was bigger than its brain.

I should have listened! 

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All The Good Puns About The Periodic Table Argon!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In case you hadn’t guessed from the title, it’s Pun Day again.

Another selection of great jokes or terrible jokes depending on your point of view.

So get those groans ready.

Enjoy or endure!

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The time will never be wrong.

Not on my watch.

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I used to live in a normal house,

but then steps were taken to make it into a bungalow.

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My dog has just eaten my entire James Bond DVD collection.

Luckily I managed to beat The Living Daylights out of him.

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I got an answering machine today but I think it’s broken.

I’ve asked it loads of questions and nothing’s happening.

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My wife lost her Tampax and got really angry.

I hate it when she loses her rag.

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I’ve finally remembered the word that

I’ve been thinking about for two weeks.

It’s ‘fortnight.’

.

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Me and my mate are having a competition

to see who can steal the most dog related stuff

from next door’s house.

I’ve just taken the lead….

 

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They call me Mr Rhetorical.

Can you guess why?

I’m looking to start up my own business,

recycling discarded chewing gum.

Just need help getting it off the ground.

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My whisky kept going missing so I confronted the wife.

She told me that the guilty party was the family dog.

I found it staggering.

.

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I lost my job today because I said the office is full of assholes.

Bit of an overreaction to my opinion about a TV program I think.

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What’s black and gets abused 24/7

on social networking sites?

Punctuation!

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I’m a much better fighter now that I have a blackbelt.

I was hopeless when my trousers kept falling down.

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Shopping for antiques won’t make you gay,

but it will make you buy curios.

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A lady at the supermarket asked me if I’ve ever drunk orange juice with pulp.

I said, “No, but I once had coffee with The Bluetones.”

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