BREAKING NEWS: Man In Boxers Leads Police On A Brief Chase!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If the title didn’t give you a clue, it’s Pun Day again.

Some more word play to….

Enjoy or endure!

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Reports that suggest

Little Miss Muffet

has contracted food poisoning

have been described as

“Whey off”.

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I went to the cinema last night

and saw a movie about cheese.

It was G rated.

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What do my wife and a

drone have in common?

The noise.

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Most car designs start off as

a sketch on a piece of paper.

Like the Audi A4.

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I’m waiting to hear if I’ve got a place in

the World Hyperventilating Championship.

I won’t be holding my breath.

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Apparently the government has a database

containing the details of every single

animal attack on humans.

Wonder how big it is,

probably many terror bites.

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The girl in the shop told me

she didn’t have any 7UP.

But she’s just saying that

out of sprite.

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I’m writing a book

about patriarchal societies.

It’s going to be called

“It’s Reigning Men”.

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I’m known for being a really good chef.

I bring a lot to the table.

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ISIS.

Always in crisis.

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A lion, a witch and a wardrobe

walk into a bar.

The barman says,

“I’m serving Narnia!”

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I saw an extremely fat frog that

was having trouble bending its legs.

It was probably roomy-toad arthritis.

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Help, I am looking for my father,

I was raised by my mother and

all she told me was he’s Italian,

works in a clinic,

and goes by the name ‘Invitro’?

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My friend gets his Viagra

delivered by chartered air freight.

He’s a Very Impotent Person.

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I couldn’t get tickets for the Plan B concert.

So I had to go with my first choice instead.

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Highlighter Pens Are The Future. Mark My Words!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Mark my words indeed.

It’s Pun Day again.

Enjoy or endure!

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Know what’s odd?

About every other number.

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When I asked my best friend to be my best man,

he said he was “speechless”.

So I said, “You’re no good, I’ll find someone else”.

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I always win at Twister.

Hands down.

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On reflection,

vampires aren’t that scary.

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I’ve just seen a huge Egyptian woman

sticking her ass out the window of a car.

It was a two-ton car moon.

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My neighbor Dave has drunk many

weird and wonderful things in his time.

I asked him if he’d ever drunk cologne.

“No,” he replied. “Always with friends.”

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As they say in France,

one man’s fish

is another man’s poisson.

 

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Everything is easier said than done.

Except procrastination.

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“I’ve got two words for you”

“I can’t count”

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Upon reaching the peak of Everest with my wife,

we realized that there was only enough oxygen left

for one of us to get back down.

So I did the descent thing…

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I recently wrote an essay on the “Communist Manifesto”.

Unfortunately I didn’t really understand the topic,

so I got no Marx.

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Calvin Klein were supposed to

be bringing out a new fragrance…

But it was just aroma.

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The Sahara Desert walks into a bar

The barman says, “Long time no sea.”

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Discovery Channel are releasing a new series about wildlife.

The first program is called “Siamese Ducks”.

It’s a double bill.

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The wife will go spare when she finds out

I’ve lost her only copy of Beethoven’s Unfinished symphony.

I’ll never hear the end of it.

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Just Been On Holiday In The South Of France….. It Was Nice!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A nice holiday in Nice, how nice.

Yes, pun day again folks.

Strap yourselves in and…..

Enjoy or endure!

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Working as a cake waiter at a wedding,

I saw the most beautiful girl from across the room.

I immediately took a fancy to her.

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What berries do fat people enjoy the most?

Cadburys!

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Guess what is in the middle of nowhere…

‘h’

 

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I got bullied as a child for having glasses.

Every other kid in the neighborhood could only afford paper cups.

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A female police officer used a taser gun on me yesterday.

She was stunning.

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Two hours ago I told my kid to shut his mouth and eat his supper.

The poor boy is still sitting at the table trying to figure out how to do it.

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I was supposed to go for a job interview

as a camouflage expert last week.

I didn’t turn up, and I got the job!

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Did you hear the one about the depressed frog?

He wanted to kermit suicide.

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I caught my wife with another man last night.

Don’t worry though, it’s a trapeze act.

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I accidently left an apple outside my local Doctor’s surgery.

Now I’m worried he won’t be able to get in.

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I’m considering becoming a mind reader.

What are your thoughts?

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I’ve just invented a machine that can immediately

tell you what condition a painting is in.

It’s state-of-the-art technology.

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When you type

“Missing medieval servant”  

into Google it comes up with

“Page not found”

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A man walked into a bar and ordered half a coke.

The barman said “OK”.

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I went into the music store earlier and asked the guy

behind the counter if they had anything by Run DMC.

“Walk this way,” he replied.

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Does A Man Need A Mistress Just To Break The Monogamy?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Let’s not get into a discussion on marriage.

Rather just investigate some more of those word plays we call puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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Did you hear about the two crooks who bought a hotel.

They were inn-mates.

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“This fishing tackle tastes disgusting!”

he said with baited breath.

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So the barman says to Paddy,

“Your glass is empty, would you like another one?”

“Another one?” Paddy replies,

“Sure what would I want with two empty glasses?”

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In America,

2pac’s of Eminem’s cost 50 Cents.

That’s Ludacris.

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We’ve got neighbors from Hell

A lovely old Norwegian couple…

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“I had a vision out of the cornea of my eye

that you would be a great pupil,”

the teacher said.

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My wife had one of those near death experiences last night

Silly woman thought she could vacuum the floors

while the super bowl was on.

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When a college dormitory exploded

a lot of roomers were flying.

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CNN News “Tree Falls On Bank”

Didn’t say what branch though.

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When Billy was sent to prison the first thing he said

to his cell mate was, “I won’t be in here long”

“Well the judge gave you six years,” his cell mate said.

“Yeah I know,” Billy replied. “But my wife will break me out

she’s never let me finish a sentence before.”

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By the way,

I’m hosting a charity evening and raffle this Saturday evening

to raise money for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can’t come let me know.

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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

(Get it? No shins, Toe-Knee.)

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My son just asked, “Dad, can you tell me what gay means?”

“It means to be happy,” I replied.

“Are you gay, dad?”

“No, son. I married your mother!”

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My route to work has been scattered with average speed cameras.

You’d think the tight asses would have shelled out for the decent ones.

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I’m just off for a meeting with an Indian car maker.

Tata.

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