The Warning Signs Are Warning Signs!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Strange as it may seem Warning Signs are warning signs that society is in BIG trouble. They indicate that we have regressed to the level where we are allowing the stupidest people in society to dictate how the rest of us behave.

I disagree in the strongest possible terms with this trend. It is unnecessary and it is irritating for anyone with an IQ above 40.

If some dumb ass who knows they are allergic to nuts, buys a bag of nuts, then let them suffer the consequences of their stupidity if they eat them. Or if someone is in McDonalds or a similar establishment and buys a cup of hot coffee they should have the wit to realize that hot coffees is ‘hot’ and will burn them if they pour it all over themselves.

Harsh? Perhaps, but necessary.

Sadly the whole thing has deteriorated so far that, not only are there unnecessary warning labels on almost everything, but the morons for whom they are there now actually seem to be writing them too!

I could rant on, but better (and funnier) to show you some examples that make me shake my head in despair.

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“Do not use if you cannot

see clearly to read the information

in the information booklet.”

— In the information booklet.

information booklet

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“Caution:

The contents of this bottle

should not be fed to fish.”

— On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish

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“For external use only!”

— On a curling iron.

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“Warning: This product can burn eyes.”

— Also on a curling iron.

curling iron

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“Do not use in shower.”

— On a hair dryer.

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“Do not use while sleeping.”

— Also on a hair dryer.

hair dryer

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“Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.”

— On a hand-held massaging device.

massaging device

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“Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.”

— On a toilet at a public sports facility

in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking

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“Shin pads cannot protect any part

of the body they do not cover.”

— On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

Shin pads

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“This product not intended

for use as a dental drill.”

— On an electric rotary tool.

electric rotary tool

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“Caution:

Do not spray in eyes.”

— On a container of underarm deodorant.

underarm deodorant

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“Do not drive with sunshield in place.”

— On a cardboard sunshield that keeps

the sun off the dashboard.

cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard

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Many Happy Returns Webby!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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World-Wide-Web

The World Wide Web, created by Sir Tim Berners-Lee, turned 25 years old this year, 2014.

There has never been anything like it before, certainly not as regards the impact it has made on society and the way we live our lives. Many of those changes are good, many are not so good and a few are downright annoying.

Here’s my take on some of them.

To concentrate on the good parts first, the one thing the www has done, for those who can use it effectively, is to give access to information that was previously only available to the elite few who managed to claw their way into the lofty heights of academia, or who worked in places where information was readily available. Now the same information is accessible at the touch of a button to anyone and everyone with a smart phone, tablet or computer.

Another benefit, in my view anyway, is that is has sent a massive wake-up call to telephone providers world wide, many of whom were fast asleep, content to rake in healthy profits from antiquated systems. No longer do we have to settle for slow and temperamental data transfer lines. Nowadays, particularly in the last few years, people are demanding systems that can cope with download streams in the gigabyte range. If you are old enough to remember the first modems you will know you wasted too much of your life trying to download at 12Kb/sec., sometimes less.

Freedom is also a welcome by-product of the World Wide Web.

The freedom to work in any country in the world, from virtually any country in the world is one big plus – it is for me anyhow. Another one I particularly like is the freedom to watch TV programs that I like, when I like, no longer tied to the schedules of some brainless bean-counter working for a broadcasting company. And the freedom to have your say on things as and when the mood takes you – they call that blogging don’t you know! – is also a great advantage to the ordinary person.

www words

As is the freedom to disseminate information across the globe instantly, as Mr Snowden ably demonstrated, although I would hazard a guess that the powers that be would not agree with me on that one.

Indeed, this is the one aspect of the www that really bothers big brother.

China for example is one country where access is controlled by the state. Coincidentally this year also marks the anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre, you’ll find articles about that if you do a search, but probably not in China. They get away with it because they are not a democracy and do not pretend to be one.

In other countries, like the good old Land Of The (Not So) Free (Anymore)), the powers still like to con their people into believing that they are living in a democratic nation and that the people have the power to vote for this or that. But think for a moment, when was the last time you got to vote on whether to start a war, or whether to give $billions of your money to the greedy banksters to pay themselves huge bonuses and gamble away the rest?

It is because they need to keep the pretence of democracy going, that they do not yet have the confidence to start overtly censoring the internet. But they do all they can to snoop on what people are reading, or writing, or looking at.

This is where the freedom the www and associated technology provides can also be a negative, when it is used by governments to surveil us and record every piece of data they can. If they were doing this selectively and targeting terrorists and criminals no one would be too worried. But they are doing it to all of us, guilty and innocent alike.

big brother is watching

They are also doing everything they can think of to impose taxes on internet commerce – of course they have to coz they’re stoney broke.

The www has revolutionized business practices and created all sorts of new commerce opportunities, Amazon perhaps being the best example of a company that has gone from nothing to a multi-billion dollar business in just a few years.

Communication and social interaction are also areas where the www has liberated the ordinary person – first with email and more recently with social media. In the near future expect to see social media expanding to become much more than individual platforms such as Facebook or Twitter. We are already seeing many new applications that are allowing people to communicate more widely, more easily and more often.

social media

Another negative is that the World Wide Web has unwittingly facilitated the proliferation of pornography and violence, and is teaching a generation of morons all the wrong things. Things that will ensure they become a burden on society, not an asset.

And it has also opened a whole new environment in which criminals can operate. Millions of dollars are being stolen every day through scams, confidence tricks and outright theft.

You could say (and I frequently do) that people dumb enough to fall for these scams deserve all they get, or all they lose, is perhaps a better way of putting it. You know, the idiots who believe they really have won a lottery they didn’t buy a ticket for, or who think that Dr Umbungo Watanga from Nigeria is being truthful when he tells them that someone they never heard of has left them $25 million and all they need to do is send all their personal details and a few thousand dollars to unlock the fortune that awaits them. There really is one born every minute it seems!

All that said, and twenty-five years on, the www is still in its infancy. We have come a long way in the past 25 years, but we have really only scratched the surface as regards what the web has the potential to do to further improve our daily lives.

Where the vision to develop the www will come from in anyone’s guess. The only thing we know for sure is that the initiative won’t come from governments or their bureaucratic servants, simply because the people we elect to those positions do not have the required intelligence.

So its up to you. If you have any great ideas you want to share, send me an email.

Sir Tim Berners-Lee
Sir Tim Berners-Lee, the man who created the World Wide Web.

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Ignorant? Why, I Don’t Know The Meaning Of The Word!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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They say ignorance is bliss and to a great extent I think that is correct.

I’m not sure you could say puns are bliss, but some of us seem to enjoy them, and for those who do here are some more.

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

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I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.

It’s a Bordeaux collie.

Bordeaux collie

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My friend asked me to get him a job at the opticians.

He knew I had the contacts.

contact lenses

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I’ve just opened a shoe shop.

So far I’ve successfully kept everyone away from it.

empty shoe shop

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I applied for a job in Australia

I think I have the necessary koalafications.

koalafications

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During a spelling test, our teacher told us to write down ‘to capitalize’.

That one was too easy I thought, as I wrote ‘I I’.

spelling test1

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I used to smoke Benson & Hedges, but then I changed brands.

It’s all been Dunhill from there.

Dunhill

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I just bought a Swiss car.

It runs like clockwork,

but I can’t figure out how to get it out of neutral.

clockwork car

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I’ve decided to make money writing dieting books.

I’m told they appeal to a very wide audience.

diets-dieters-diet_books

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I laid flowers for mother at the wrong tombstone.

It was a grave mistake.

wrong tombstone

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An apostrophe is the difference between

a business that should know its shit,

and a business that should know it’s shit.

apostrophe

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A few people are complaining about the new

lightning conductor at the concert hall.

A lot of the orchestra can’t keep up with him.

Conductor

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I fixed my wife up with a new job the other day

– as a human cannonball.

She went ballistic!

human cannonball

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I made a hotel out of little cheesy biscuits.

It’s not exactly the Ritz.

Ritz crackers

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I went to the doctor feeling ill and he said

“Lie down and cover yourself in salt.”

“How will that help?” I asked.

“Don’t know,” he said. “But in a week’s time you’ll be cured”.

curing salt

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Deleted scene from Alien:

“I can’t open the milk!”

“In space, no-one can. Here, use cream.”

alien_1979_tom_skerritt_sigourney_weaver

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100,000 And Counting.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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100000 page views

I missed marking my first year anniversary of this blog with an appropriate post and then not to be outdone by that, I also managed to miss the second year anniversary too. I guess I had other things on my mind at the time.

However this post marks another significant milestone in my blogging career, if I can call it that, because earlier today the fasab blog managed to push its way through the 100,000 page views threshold. Certainly a lot more than the humble beginnings when literally only a handful of people turned up!

I know it’s not a world shaking internet statistic, not even in the blogsphere either, but for me and this blog I think it is remarkable. Even more so since I have a tendency to sometimes write about people I know, so I can’t really publicize my blog via the usual “friends and family” route.  

Before I started my blog I’d obviously heard about them, but I’d never even read one. I had a bit of time on my hands and I thought I would give it a go. As I’ve probably said before, I wasn’t really into social networking sites like “Myface” or “Spacebook” or whatever, not that there’s anything wrong with them if you like that sort of thing and many people I know do.

But I thought blogging might be my thing.

So I read blogs and I read about blogging and I created my own little niche of “Fighting Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”, which I found I was doing every day anyway, and mixed it with a bit of humor, politics and so forth – and here we are 100,000 views later, and counting.

It has been an interesting time.

Apart from a handful of hopefuls who think they’ll make a fortune out of it, I think most people are like me, blogging for themselves. But it is also very nice and very rewarding when other people stop by to read the posts and even better when they acknowledge them with a “like”, a “follow”, or a “comment”.

I am delighted to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has visited the fasab blog and particularly those who have decided to follow whether on WordPress, Tumblr, Pinterest, Twitter, or whatever. Some bloggers and readers, who I like to call my “blog-friends” have become regulars here. I very much appreciate your support. I have tried to reciprocate by visiting your blogs too when time permits.

One or two others  –  who I have no doubt are thoroughly ashamed of themselves 🙂  –  have fallen by the wayside, but most visitors I do not even know. Which brings me to another thing that I wasn’t expecting, and that was the variety of countries visitors come from. The bulk are from the United States, United Kingdom, Canada, Australia and India – which is more or less what you could expect for an English language blog. But interestingly there have also been visitors from many other parts of Europe, South and Central America, Asia, the Middle East and Africa too. And all are very welcome.

So what does the future hold for the fasab blog?

I don’t exactly know the answer to that. Probably more puns, and factoids. Maybe a few more quizzes. Definitely the odd rant about things that annoy me (that’s a lot of things, the list grows every day!). But hopefully a lot of humor too.

A smile never does any harm  –  unless some big stupid bloke thinks you’re laughing at him  –  so prepare yourself for more.

My sincere thanks to everyone who has visited and who reads this.

And don’t forget the “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy!”

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There’s A Fine Line Between Hyphenated Words…

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There is indeed a fine line between hyphenated words – haven’t you noticed?

Yes, it’s the day to play on words, or play with words.

Whatever way you want to put it, it’s pun day!

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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The other day I held the door open for a clown.

I thought it was a nice jester.

clown jester

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I thought my Granny was going to get me a jumper for my birthday

but she just gave me a card again.

cardigan

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I play for my shop fitting company’s football team.

We are great on the counter attack.

a_Dodson_Shop_Fitters_Reception_Counter_with_Glass_Shelves

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I’ve sent a few angry letters to my Congressman.

A ‘G’ and three ‘R’s.

grrr

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I had a good morning today, I met Cameron Diaz.

And her brother, Buenos.

Cameron-Diaz

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I’m lying in bed listening to the Carpenters…

Who are taking way too long installing the new kitchen.

carpenter-kitchen-fitter

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I’ve just started a new extermination company

that specialises in felines.

I’m calling it curiosity.

Curiosity+killed+the+cat.+source+smosh+facebook+page_06d5f5_3980829

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L’Oreal Saudi Arabia.

Burkas you’re worth it.

l'oreal Saudi Arabia, burkas you're worth it

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My other half reckons I might have schizophrenia!

schizophrenia

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I took a poll recently,

and 100% of the strippers asked

were angry they had nothing to dance on.

silhouette-pole

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“OK son, what do you understand

by the word ‘omniscient’?”

He said, “God knows…”

What a clever little boy!

clever little boy

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I’m writing a post about storms.

So far, it’s just a rough draft.

storms

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Did you hear about the mexcian train killer?

He had locomotives.

Mexican train game

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What’s the singular of ‘werewolves’?

‘I’m a wolf’.

Cartoon Werewolf

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I was gob smacked when my Swedish friend came to

visit from the states and was now living as a woman.

He was Bjorn in the U.S.A.

Bjorn in the U.S.A.

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A Day Not Sober Is Often A Day Wasted!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A day not sober is often a day wasted and a week without a pun day just isn’t worth thinking about.

So here you are, another short selection of the jokes you love to hate.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I always have a great laugh when I’m mountain climbing.

I find them hilly areas.

hilly areas

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The worst job I ever had was working in

a factory making cowboy records.

Howdy pressing.

howdy

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Say what you like about iPhones, but you can’t

speak I’ll about their clever autocorrect feature.

autocorrect dad-mom-out

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I spent all morning walking around in the wife’s panties.

She’s a big woman.

big-mamas-undies

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Had to fire my tailor.

It was nothing personal,

he just didn’t seam right.

suits-that-fit-bad-too-big-too-smal1

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My friend told me he was going to

a fancy dress party as an Italian island.

I said to him “Don’t be Sicily!”

sicily_malta_map

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I went to the Job Centre and all they

offered me was a job making beds.

I turned them down.

turndown

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My friend Dave asked me if I wanted him to

recite the first twenty one letters of the alphabet to me.

“It’s up to U” I replied.

up2u

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I used to have more money than sense,

Nowadays I’m broke AND stupid.

22-carat-gold-toilet-paper-for-the-rich-and-stupid-from-the-toilet-paper-man-in-australia-theflyingtortoise

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At last night’s pub quiz, a question came up:

“What is another name for a grey goose?”

I just couldn’t think of the Anser.

anser_erythropus

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My neighbor asked me what I thought of her kids.

I said, “They should go far.”

Brimming with pride, she said “Really?”

“Yes,” I said, “And the sooner they start, the better.”

bad kids

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Two removal men got into an argument.

They took it outside.

cartoon-removal-men

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Been using this blog to try my hand at writing.

So far, it’s being a lot more successful than my foot.

writing

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I have decided to start a company where all the money

made will buy bread for Indian children’s curries.

It will be a naan profit organization.

naan

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When I was a teenager my mum always used to say

that my room was so messy I’d never

get any ‘self respecting girl’ to go in there.

Luckily those weren’t the girls I was after.

drunk-girl

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Just Thought Of A Great Owl Joke, But I Can’t Use It Until 2/8/20.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, once again the clue was in the title, pun day.

Contrary to rumors on the internet puns have not been cancelled. Resistance is futile. 

So brace yourselves or whatever it is that you usually do.

But enjoy!

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I complained to the furniture store after a sofa I ordered

was dumped in the stairwell of my apartment block.

They said I need to take it up with the delivery man.

furniture-delivery

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My friend Max hates going up steep hills.

He’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

steep hill

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What idiot invented fire blankets?

You’d think fire was hot enough…

fire blanket

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I was stood at a barberque the other day,

Yep, 30 minutes I waited for a haircut.

barbercue

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George made himself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap.

He said she was a bit clingy.

clingy

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I’ll tell you a couple of things that make me jump.

My legs.

jump

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A neighbor was molested by his priest when he was a kid,

It’s quite a touching story.

Abusing Priests

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I’ve just been banned from an online fashion forum.

Apparently my threads weren’t cool enough.

phillip-lim-ss-2012

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The best thing about being single is sleeping around.

You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours:

left, right, middle, whatever.

cartoon-bed-6

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The wife finally finished writing her

book about cooking with herbs.

It’s about thyme.

thyme-rubbed-pork-chops-with-pesto

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I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand.

It’s the two-handed blokes who beat the crap out of me.

one arm man applauds

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Bono came into my shop today to buy a cake.

I asked him, “What do you want on it?”

He said, “Icing”

I said, “I know that, but what do you want on your cake?”

bono

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Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims

by threatening them with a lit match.

They want to catch him before he strikes again.

cartoon lit match

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My Dad loves The Beatles and has all but one of the

original L.P. records with autographed sleeves.

I think he needs Help.

The Beatles Help Album

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There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland.

I mean, even the flag itself is a big plus.

swiss-flag

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I was lying in bed and I thought,

“I’ve gotta start telling the truth.”

lying in bed

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I said, “I’ve locked my keys in my car and my children are inside.”

My neighbor said, “Do you have a spare set?”

I said, “Yeah, I’ve got two sons with my ex-wife.”

man-looking-into-car-keys-locked-in-ignition

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For sale.

Modified DeLorean DMC-12.

No timewasters.

bttf-delorean

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I got chatting to a lumberjack in a bar the other day.

He seemed like a decent feller.

lumberjack

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I just bet on three horses called

Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times,

and none of them won.

I blame it on the bookie.

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