Lif Is Too Short.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Lif may be too short but thankfully there’s no shortage of puns.

Here’s the latest selection for you to…

Enjoy or endure!!

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I’ve just ended a relationship with a hair stylist.

We just never gelled.

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Say what you like about deaf people.

But not blind people,

they can still hear you.

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I went to the inventor of Optrex’s funeral today.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

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My wife says the passion has gone out of our relationship.

She really doesn’t know how much I hate her.

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I used to be a hypochondriac until

I eventually became sick of it.

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What have Winnie the Pooh and

Atilla the Hun got in common ?…….

the same middle name

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Wouldn’t it be better if handmade shoes

were for your feet?

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I’ll be making a movie

about the Greek alphabets.

It’s a Psi Phi film.

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What do you call

a quick circumcision.

A rip off.

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According to scientists there is a

link between noise and obesity.

Probably the dinner bell.

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Just bought a time machine from Amazon.

Well you have to when they offer

previous day delivery.

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Finally for today a health warning:

Mixing cannabis with cod liver oil

is bad for your joints.

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Stonehenge Rocks!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yeah, Stonehenge rocks!

So does Pun Day!!

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!!

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Deaf people are lip reading as we speak.

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In school, my teacher asked me if I

had any of my own maths equipment.

“I have a broken abacus,” I replied.

She said, “That doesn’t count.”

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I’m a puppeteer –

I had to pull a lot of strings to get the job.

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My friend happily announced recently that,

after 18 months of hard work and determination,

he had lost over 130 pounds of unhealthy useless fat.

He divorced her.

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Want to pull a Jewish girl?

Just show them some interest.

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A woman walks up to a handsome man

in a nightclub and shouts, “Fat penguin!”

“Pardon?” he says, looking bemused.

“Sorry,” she replies. “I was just trying to

think of something that would break the ice.”

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Being unemployed definitely has its benefits.

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I always get chutney and pickle mixed up.

It makes me chuckle.

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My mate asked if I wanted to

play electric shock monopoly.

I jumped at the chance.

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Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m OK,

but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

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My mum always said, “

Never use two words when one will do.”

Why didn’t she just say,

“Avoid verbosity”?

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I love blondes, but I was gutted to come

home from work to find my girlfriend

had dyed her hair brunette.

It’s just not fair.

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Protesters at the recent G20 conference

were holding up huge signs saying

‘Capitalism Isn’t Working’.

A friend of mine turned to me and said,

“Surely that’s wrong.

Surely ‘Capitalism Is Working’.”

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My English teacher told me that it’s impossible

to take two completely different words out of context

and use them to create a coherent sentence.

Wheel sea.

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Friends of my wife and I, recently bought a farm,

and decided to invite us to a House warming party.

I asked my wife, “What shall we get them for a present?”

“How about this long length of rope with bucket attached?” she replied.

“Yes,” I agreed. “I am sure that will go down well.”

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Another Month, Another Fact Filled Tuesday

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What better way to start October than by arming yourselves with a few choice facts?

So here is a random selection of twenty totally unrelated pieces of information.

Enjoy.

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Because it’s growing about half an inch a year,

a person climbing Mount Everest today

would have to go 27 inches further to reach the peak

than Sir Edmund Hillary did in 1953.

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It is said that in 10th century Burma,

King Theinhko ate a farmer’s cucumbers without permission.

The farmer killed the king and took the throne.

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Walt Disney’s famous “logo” signature wasn’t really his;

it was designed by a staff artist.

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John F. Kennedy’s assassination on November 22nd, 1963,

overshadowed the deaths of two prominent authors:

Aldous Huxley and C. S. Lewis.

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Three months after Charlie Chaplin died

his corpse was stolen by two Swiss mechanics

in order to extort money from the family.

The robbers were captured and

Chaplin’s body was found eleven weeks later.

To prevent further attempts,

he was reburied under concrete.

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The Kit Kat bar got its name

from the Kit Kat Club in London’s West End,

a joint famous for bringing dance-band music to the city in the 1920s.

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Philo Farnsworth, an American television pioneer,

was inspired by a farmer’s plowing of a field

– the parallel rows giving him the idea of ‘scanning’ a picture.

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In the 1940s, Eleanor Abbott invented the board game Candy Land

as a diversion for children recovering from polio.

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In early 1900s America, “jay” was a slang term

used to describe a naïve or foolish person.

Thus, when such a pedestrian decided to ignore traffic signals and street signs,

he or she was referred to as a “jaywalker.”

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Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, once sworn political enemies

(though after retirement they became quite friendly),

both died on July 4th, 1826 (America’s 50th anniversary).

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Before aspirin was produced,

ailing patients chewed the bark of the white willow tree

(from which aspirin is derived)

to help alleviate fever and pain.

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Those doves released at weddings and other formal ceremonies

are actually white homing pigeons.

True ring-neck doves are bred to be kept as pets

and rarely survive out of captivity.

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Nutella was invented during WWII

when an Italian pastry maker mixed hazelnuts into chocolate

to extend his chocolate ration.

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King Louis XIV lived and ruled so long (72 yrs) that he is

not only the longest reigning ruler of Europe,

but his successor, Louis XV, was neither his son,

nor his grandson, but his great-grandson.

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Contrary to popular belief, the crash test dummy

(proper name, Anthropomorphic Test Device)

was first developed, not the automobile industry,

but for the Air Force to test ejection seats.

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Chemotherapy drugs are designed to kill any rapidly dividing cells.

Unfortunately, our hair follicles are some of the fastest-growing cells in the body,

which is why most cancer patients lose their hair during treatment.

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Some deaf people sign in their sleep.

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We all know that actor George Clooney

catapulted to fame as Doug Ross in the smash series ER,

which began in 1994.

However, 10 years earlier, Clooney starred as “Ace” Kolmar

in the ill-fated series E/R.

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Ian Murphy is the king of the old-school computer hackers.

In 1981, he and three accomplices broke into the AT&T phone system

and changed its internal clocks so that customers

would get midnight discounts in midday,

while late-night callers got stuck with outrageous bills.

For the incident, Murphy became the first hacker

to be charged with a computer crime.

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When Elvis Presley appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show,

Ed was recuperating from an arm injury

and the host was Charles Laughton.

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Did They Really Mean To Say That? – Newspapers Headlines Nightmares, Part Nine!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to the fasab blog.

It’s newspaper headline nightmares day. Day nine of this series to be exact.

And they don’t get any better – thank goodness.

Hope you enjoy this latest batch.

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Can You Answer Any Of These Conundrums? Or Should That Be Conundra??

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Well if you can answer the question in the title of this post then you’re off to a good start. I know what my speel chekkar says, and I think that it is wrong.

Which brings me to another short semi-rant in the form of a question. Why does the WordPress speel chekkar keep highlighting the word “wordpress” as being spelled incorrectly?

Think on that as you tackle the rest of today’s (cue the wavy red line)  conundra!

Enjoy.

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If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

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When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

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If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

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If corn can’t hear, why does it have an ear?

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If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

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If everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of?

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If humans get a charley horse, what do horses get?

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If I save time, when do I get it back?

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If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

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If our knees were on the backs of our legs, what would chairs look like?

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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

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If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

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If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

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If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?

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Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

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If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands?

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More Of Those Questions That Are Well Worth Asking, But Nobody Bothers To Ask

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Well, apparently I was right, last week’s selection of questions that are worth asking, but nobody bothers to ask, weren’t life changing. But some people seemed to like them, so here is another batch for your consideration.

As usual, enjoy.

 

 

What can deaf people use instead of an Alarm Clock?

 

Why are Softballs hard?

 

Why aren’t Blueberry’s blue?

 

Do Butterfly’s make butter?

 

Does the Queen Bee have a King?

 

Can you carry a Kangaroo on your back?

 

Is a gold knife or fork still considered Silverware?

 

Why isn’t Chocolate considered a vegetable if it comes from Cocoa Beans?

 

What happens when you get ‘half scared to death’ twice?

 

Is it true cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

 

If all the world’s a stage, where does the audience sit?

 

Why are the alphabets in the order that they are? Is it because it’s a song?

 

If you write a book about failure, and it doesn’t sell, is it called success?

 

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

 

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

 

Are the good things that come to people who wait, the leftovers of people who went before them?

 

Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

 

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

 

Why is Greenland called Greenland, when it’s white and covered with ice?

 

If something ‘goes without saying’, why do people still say it?

 

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