They say that a picture is worth a thousand words.
Well here’s a blog post slightly over 6,000 words. Don’t worry, it won’t take you long to read it.
It’s about the behavior of several heads of state at the Mandela Memorial in South Africa, an event which itself was turned into a bit of a farce.
From sign language interpreters who didn’t know any sign language to politicians not having the sense to realize they were on a world stage and everyone was watching, it was all a bit pathetic really.
But funny too!
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President Obama shares a joke with
Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt.
Michelle Obama obviously didn’t get it – or did she?
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Now a bit of touchy-feely from Obama
who is obviously enjoying the encounter.
The look on Michelle’s face seems to indicate that
she is not too happy with the way things are going.
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Obama and Helle take a little ‘selfie’ photo with her cell phone,
as British Prime Minister David Cameron tries to form a threesome.
Michelle, looking even more pissed off glowers into the distance.
(Wonder if the NSA is bugging that phone?)
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The happy couple get closer and share another joke.
Michelle gets farther away,
and she still ain’t laughing!
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Obama gets up to say a few words,
assisted by the sign language interpreter for the deaf.
Yes, that’s him,
the interpreter who didn’t know any sign language at all.
You couldn’t make this up!
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When he come back to sit down again,
Obama finds that the seating arrangements have changed.
Michelle is now between him and the lovely piece of Danish.
Suspecting he may have blundered Obama takes Michelle’s hand and kisses it.
Michelle gazes off into the distance.
She has a “it ain’t gonna be that easy to fix this one, buster” expression on her face.
The original title of this post was “Farting On Airplanes” because it is really about farting on airplanes, but I thought it might be better just to call it “It’s An Ill Wind”.
No, come on, now you know don’t turn your noses up, or pretend this is something that (a) you’ve never thought about, or (b) never done. Farting on airplanes is an international phenomenon that transcends all nationalities, religions, ages, creeds, classes and colors.
It is in fact the common bond of all the world’s travelers.
Whether it can ever bring us closer together, however, is another thing (Phew!)
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This is a quite embarrassing story. Not something one would normally admit to, but people write unusual things on blogs.
It concerns one of the first long haul flights that I was ever on.
Nowadays, as a seasoned flyer, I always have a good meal before the flight. I don’t suffer from air sickness of any kind and I don’t care for the stuff they call airline food. Back then, however, I was a novice and ended up on board without any breakfast other than a cup of coffee. My stomach was empty – of food anyhow.
All was well for about twenty or thirty minutes and then it started.
The obvious solution would have been to get up and go to the toilet. But easy options aren’t the way I have gone through life so far.
Also it was a big plane, a 747, and the toilets were quite a bit away from my seat. I would face a long walk down the narrow aisle.
Not that the walk itself was the problem. It was just that whoever designs airline seats has arranged things so that the nose and ears of the person sitting down is just about at the same height as the bottom of the person walking casually past.
You see the predicament?
In any case, I found myself in a window seat with two other seats to negotiate before I got to the aisle. Such was the pressure building up that I feared the exertion of hopping over the additional seats would make the whole purpose of the journey somewhat redundant.
There was nothing for it but to stay where I was, with the unfortunate choice being either bursting or releasing some of the pressure. Not unnaturally I chose to do the latter option.
As these things go it was a substantial outcome. But the drone of the plane engines (they were a lot louder in those days, I think, I hope, weren’t they?) seemed to drown out any other background noises.
I didn’t hear a thing.
I double checked by having a quick look at the person unfortunate enough to be sitting beside me, but there was no sign in the expression on his face that anything untoward had happened. Either that or he was a professional poker player with a practiced deadpan expression – or in a state of semi consciousness as a result of the concussive force emanating from the seat beside him.
My confidence grew. I thought of the famous campfire scene from Blazing Saddles and let a few more go in tribute.
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I was so happy at the relief and at the fact that all was undetected that I allowed myself a triumphant smile, and then even a laugh. The movie I was watching was a comedy so my laughter didn’t look out of place either.
It was all good.
Hang on a minute.
All was not as good as it seemed.
Cut the laughter and cue serious worried face.
I suddenly realized that all this time I had been wearing the headphones the flight attendant had given us for the movies they were showing. No wonder I had heard nothing!
Oh dear me! What had I done?
Well, I knew what I had done, of course. The big question now was, did anyone else know? Had they heard me doing it?
I looked again at the man in the seat beside me. Again no perceivable reaction on his face that indicated that anything out of the ordinary had happened, although now I was aware of them I saw that he too was wearing the headphones.
I was relieved a bit, but still very curious. And when I get curious about something I have to try to find an answer.
So there was nothing for it but let rip again, this time with my headphones off.
And that’s what I did.
Thankfully, in the interests of the scientific experiment now under way, the quality of the offending item had not diminished in force. A guy knows about these things even without any audio feedback.
To my great relief, in every meaning of the word, I still didn’t hear a thing. The drone of the airplane engines had indeed drowned out any other sounds.
It was a magnificently liberating experience and from that day on I have never looked back, as it were.
Further experimentation revealed that the same undetectable result could be achieved even on much smaller airplanes. Commercial jets I’m talking about, of course, this is not a sport to indulge in on a single engined Cesna or something like that.
I also found out that it is possible I have been saving the airlines lucky enough to win my custom a small fortune. As you know the air in airplanes these days is all re-circulated and, as the methane content of a fart is lighter than air, the captured gas therefore contributes to keeping the airplane airborne with a consequent saving on fuel. That’s my story anyhow.
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And the good news just keeps on coming.
Independent research confirms that a person’s sense of smell is greatly suppressed in the reduced cabin air pressure, which incidentally is also why airplane food tastes so bad.
So now if you are on an airplane and sitting beside someone who is chuckling to himself – or herself, yes ladies your secret is out – you’ll know the real reason why!
Another selection of those awkward moments we all experience as we journey through life. Some make you laugh, some make you angry, but all of them make you feel a little bit stupider that you really thought you were.
Enjoy.
That awkward moment when you realize you left the rest room with your dress tucked into your undies.
(Definitely haven’t managed that one yet, but I know someone who has.)
That awkward moment when you accidentally fart doing sit-ups at the Gym.
(Hey, another gold medal possibility if they make it an Olympic sport. For ‘accidentally’ read ‘inevitably’.)
That awkward moment when you see someone coming your way after you’ve just farted.
(Why do you think people take dogs with them for walks?)
That awkward moment when your girlfriend asks you if you love her more than your car.
(There’s only one answer to this one.)
That awkward moment when you bend down and your pants rip and you’re wearing floral underwear.
(Hello sailor!!!)
That awkward moment when you get caught in the rain in a cheesecloth dress, and really big underwear.
(I told you I don’t wear dresses, but seen it happen, very funny. Really big underwear, also known to us men folk as, ‘kidney warmers’. Sorry ladies.)
That awkward moment when someone walks in while you’re changing.
(Can be just as awkward when you walk in on someone else – or not – depending.)
That awkward moment when you confidently say the wrong answer aloud in class.
(And then try to turn the whole thing into a bad joke.)
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes and you slowly put another dish in the sink.
(Just do it with a smile and you’ll be okay. But only do it once.)
That awkward moment when you are trying to impress someone on the dance-floor but you dance into a pole.
(Prefer to watch other people dance where there are poles.)
That awkward moment when you think the trash can is a stool.
(So why hasn’t anyone invented a trash can that doubles as a stool – or is that a crap idea?)
The awkward moment when your friends make plans right in front of you, and the plans don’t include you.
(I can take a hint.)
That awkward moment when you’re so tired from taking a nap that you feel like to have to take another nap to get over your nap.
(Oh yes, the nap recovery nap nap!)
That awkward moment when you lose your bikini top in the surf.
(Not a problem for me, but I see the point…er..points??)
That awkward moment when you are on the beach and someone has told you that your tampon string is hanging out of your bikini.
(What does one do, and where does one do it?)
That awkward moment when you don’t know where to stand to pull your wedgie out without being noticed.
(Impossible to do without being seen. Impossible to do and still look elegant.)
That awkward moment when your neighbor starts talking to you while you’re hanging out your underwear.
(Hi there, washing the smalls today?)
That awkward moment when one heel flies off your high heels on the dance floor.
(It still baffles me why women wear high heels and how they can walk in them – or not, see videos.)
Here are a few more examples of what I like to call awkward moments. Things that happen that are, by and large, beyond our control. Sometimes they make you laugh and sometimes they make you feel stupid.
Mostly, though, I laugh, that’s better!
Hope you do too.
Enjoy.
That awkward moment when it’s quiet and you’re eating something crunchy.
(I take pride in this one.)
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if someone is a boy or a girl.
(The older I get, the more difficult it seems to be.)
That awkward moment when you start to cross your legs during a phone call because you’re busting to go to the loo.
(Hmmmm, been there, crossed that…er, those.)
That awkward moment when she looks at you and smiles. And then her boyfriend glares at you.
(Boy, the stories I could tell….)
That awkward moment when you change your Facebook status to “single” and your ex ‘Likes’ it.
(Facebook, yuk!)
That awkward moment when you type your ex’s name into your Facebook status instead of the ‘Search’ bar.
(Make that a double yuk!!)
That awkward moment when your Facebook friend tags a photo of you as a kid.
(Strike three, yuk!!!)
That awkward moment when you are in an important meeting and someone farting unexpectedly starts you to laugh.
(Most awkward if you are the culprit. )
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That awkward moment when you’ve accidentally sent a text to the friend you were gossiping about.
(Guilty as charged.)
That awkward moment when you say “I love you” and he says “Okay”.
(Not me, pal.)
That awkward moment when someone you don’t want to date asks you out.
(I’m washing my hair. Helps if you have some though.)
That awkward moment when you are introducing someone and get their name wrong.
(Never been good with names.)
That awkward moment when you are in a class where you don’t speak to anyone, and your teacher says go find a partner.
(One of the drawbacks of being a loner, I guess.)
That awkward moment when someone mistakes you for the shop assistant.
(Happened to me in Walmart, they didn’t seem to think it unusual that I was no help at all.)
That awkward moment when you step out of the shower and then realize there is no towel.
(Very difficult to put your clothes on when you’re soaking wet.)
That awkward moment when you are gossiping about someone and they walk up behind you.
(Whoops, caught out again!)
That awkward moment when you push on the toilet door thinking no one was inside.
(I feel an airport toilet story coming on.)
That awkward moment when a man walks into the ladies toilets
(Haven’t managed that one yet.)
That awkward moment when you pick up the remote control to answer the phone.
Have you ever had awkward moments when you feel a bit stupider than normal? Thankfully I am not as intellectually challenged as the people who feature in this blog, and, of course, neither are you. But I have had my moments!
For example I have been at serious business meetings in hotels where everybody leaves at the same time. We go outside, say our goodbyes, shake hands – and then we all set off walking in the same direction! FFS!!!
There are lots of others too. Here are just some of the classics.
Enjoy!
That awkward moment when someone says “Hello!” and you say “Good thanks!”
(Okay, so there are times I don’t really listen.)
That awkward moment when you don’t know whether you should tell someone they have food wedged between their teeth.
(I always leave that job to someone else.)
That awkward moment when you notice someone’s zipper is down but you don’t want to say anything because you don’t have a good excuse for why you were looking there in the first place.
(So many euphemisms for this one. The awkward bit is when you are talking to someone so dumb they can’t take the hint.)
That awkward moment when you’re trying to get over someone you weren’t even dating.
(This actually did happen to a friend of mine, the dork!)
That awkward moment when you don’t know if you should hug someone or not.
(Americans are huggers, continental Europeans are kissers on both cheeks, but the British find the whole idea repulsive and usually recoil in terror – awkward or what?)
That awkward moment when you try to exit through a closed glass door.
(I’ve posted videos about this one – very funny when it happens to other people.)
That awkward moment when you pull the push door even though it’s clearly signed.
(I’ve done this one, happens a lot if you are preoccupied with other things.)
That awkward moment when someone asks you how far along you are, and you are not pregnant.
(Whoops!)
That awkward moment when someone asks when your baby is due and you had your baby two years ago.
(Double whoops!!)
That awkward moment when you don’t know which arm rest is yours at the cinema.
(Or which cup holder to stick your drink in. Is there a rule? They haven’t told me??)
That awkward moment when you get stuck in a bean bag.
(Never a bean bag, but got stuck in a leather chair once, maybe blog about that one.)
That awkward moment when you arrive at the party and see someone else wearing the same dress.
(Personally I don’t wear dresses, but I can see how it might be awkward.)
That awkward moment when you’re singing Happy Birthday but you don’t know the name of the person so you just mumble the name part.
(Semi-pro at this one.)
That awkward moment when you’re talking to someone but you can’t remember their name, so you try to avoid introducing them to the person you’re with.
(Gold medalist if this was an Olympic sport.)
That awkward moment when you try to sneak a photo of someone but the flash goes off.
(You’d have to know how to work the camera on your phone for this one.)
That awkward moment when you realize you’ve kept talking after the call dropped out.
(Since the arrival of cell phones who hasn’t had this one happen at least once?)
That awkward moment when unexpected visitors arrive at 11am and you’re still in your PJ’s.
(Haven’t done this one yet, I just wouldn’t let them in.)
That awkward moment when you see someone that looks like someone you know, and you scream their name, and it’s not them.
(Well maybe not scream, but I have got names mixed up once or twice.)
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