Plant Puns: Weed ‘Em And Reap!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Not really a day of plant puns, but it is Pun Day, so you might want to weep anyway.

You know the drill (little gardening pun there).

Enjoy or endure!

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Teacher: If you were a great composer,

where would you live?

Boy: In A Flat.

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I missed today’s Hairdressing Championships,

can anyone tell me if there were any highlights?

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The World Health Organization has

just announced its new slogan.

“WHO cares”.

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My teacher said I was average,

I told him that’s just mean.

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I used to be a gold prospector,

but it didn’t pan out.

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I’ve written my own political manifesto

but I haven’t used one single upper-case letter.

I’m not a capitalist.

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Men with gender issues have it tough in the UK,

I’m sure they’d love to be a broad.

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I wrote some new hymns for the congregation

to sing at my local church and the

Vicar says everybody loves them.

They can’t stop singing my praises.

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I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub.

He seemed like a decent feller.

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If you want to be a coroner be

prepared for a stiff examination.

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My friend is a real Don Juan with the ladies.

The ladies Don Juan anything to do with him.

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When I was in the army I reckoned all

officers higher up that Colonels are assholes.

But I hate when people Generalize.

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I’ve never seen a flamenco dancer,

but those Spaniards must be clever

to train a bird of that size.

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My wife is trying to wind me up

with jibes about my impotence.

I’m not rising to that.

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I didn’t want to go to the

“I Love The 80s” fancy dress party,

but my friend was adamant.

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All The Good Puns About The Periodic Table Argon!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In case you hadn’t guessed from the title, it’s Pun Day again.

Another selection of great jokes or terrible jokes depending on your point of view.

So get those groans ready.

Enjoy or endure!

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The time will never be wrong.

Not on my watch.

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I used to live in a normal house,

but then steps were taken to make it into a bungalow.

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My dog has just eaten my entire James Bond DVD collection.

Luckily I managed to beat The Living Daylights out of him.

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I got an answering machine today but I think it’s broken.

I’ve asked it loads of questions and nothing’s happening.

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My wife lost her Tampax and got really angry.

I hate it when she loses her rag.

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I’ve finally remembered the word that

I’ve been thinking about for two weeks.

It’s ‘fortnight.’

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Me and my mate are having a competition

to see who can steal the most dog related stuff

from next door’s house.

I’ve just taken the lead….

 

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They call me Mr Rhetorical.

Can you guess why?

I’m looking to start up my own business,

recycling discarded chewing gum.

Just need help getting it off the ground.

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My whisky kept going missing so I confronted the wife.

She told me that the guilty party was the family dog.

I found it staggering.

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I lost my job today because I said the office is full of assholes.

Bit of an overreaction to my opinion about a TV program I think.

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What’s black and gets abused 24/7

on social networking sites?

Punctuation!

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I’m a much better fighter now that I have a blackbelt.

I was hopeless when my trousers kept falling down.

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Shopping for antiques won’t make you gay,

but it will make you buy curios.

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A lady at the supermarket asked me if I’ve ever drunk orange juice with pulp.

I said, “No, but I once had coffee with The Bluetones.”

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