It’s Hard To Explain How Good I Am At Describing Things!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But I can still describe today 

–  it’s Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!

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If you think you dream in color,

is it just a pigment of your imagination?

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My boss fired me for complaining about the office escalator,

It didn’t go down well.

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First guy: “What would you do if your son told you he was gay?”

Second guy: “I’d buy him a straight jacket.”

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Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory.

The manager asks, “Have you worked with chemicals before?”

Paddy replies, “Yes.”

The manager then asks, “Can you tell me what nitrate is?”

Paddy replies, “Yes, it’s time and a half.”

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I was on holiday in the Alps

when I saw a sign saying ‘Ski Hire’.

So I went a bit further up the slope.

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I’ve just bought a shire horse.

As if my other horse wasn’t shy enough.

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I keep having recurring nightmares where

I’m in a hospital surrounded by loads of pregnant women.

Could I be going through a midwife crisis?

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I’ve just got a job testing hover boards.

The money’s not great,

but it keeps me off the streets.

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Pirate cheerleaders have it easy.

“Give me an R!”…

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A guy came up to me the other day and said,

“I’m a 3-5 stringed instrument of the harp family,

popular among nobles in medieval Europe.”

I said, “You’re a lyre!”

 

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It will be Google’s birthday soon.

They’re planning a search party.

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I went for a depression test.

Came back negative.

Oh, NO!

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I rang SeaWorld the other day,

because I wanted some information.

Before I got through to an employee,

I got a tape telling me

“This call may be recorded for training porpoises.”

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If someone asks you to

spell “Part A” backwards,

don’t do it.

It’s a trap……

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Steppenwolf was an assumed name.

He was born Toby Wild.

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All The Good Puns About The Periodic Table Argon!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In case you hadn’t guessed from the title, it’s Pun Day again.

Another selection of great jokes or terrible jokes depending on your point of view.

So get those groans ready.

Enjoy or endure!

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The time will never be wrong.

Not on my watch.

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I used to live in a normal house,

but then steps were taken to make it into a bungalow.

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My dog has just eaten my entire James Bond DVD collection.

Luckily I managed to beat The Living Daylights out of him.

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I got an answering machine today but I think it’s broken.

I’ve asked it loads of questions and nothing’s happening.

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My wife lost her Tampax and got really angry.

I hate it when she loses her rag.

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I’ve finally remembered the word that

I’ve been thinking about for two weeks.

It’s ‘fortnight.’

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Me and my mate are having a competition

to see who can steal the most dog related stuff

from next door’s house.

I’ve just taken the lead….

 

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They call me Mr Rhetorical.

Can you guess why?

I’m looking to start up my own business,

recycling discarded chewing gum.

Just need help getting it off the ground.

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My whisky kept going missing so I confronted the wife.

She told me that the guilty party was the family dog.

I found it staggering.

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I lost my job today because I said the office is full of assholes.

Bit of an overreaction to my opinion about a TV program I think.

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What’s black and gets abused 24/7

on social networking sites?

Punctuation!

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I’m a much better fighter now that I have a blackbelt.

I was hopeless when my trousers kept falling down.

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Shopping for antiques won’t make you gay,

but it will make you buy curios.

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A lady at the supermarket asked me if I’ve ever drunk orange juice with pulp.

I said, “No, but I once had coffee with The Bluetones.”

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Does A Man Need A Mistress Just To Break The Monogamy?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Let’s not get into a discussion on marriage.

Rather just investigate some more of those word plays we call puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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Did you hear about the two crooks who bought a hotel.

They were inn-mates.

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“This fishing tackle tastes disgusting!”

he said with baited breath.

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So the barman says to Paddy,

“Your glass is empty, would you like another one?”

“Another one?” Paddy replies,

“Sure what would I want with two empty glasses?”

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In America,

2pac’s of Eminem’s cost 50 Cents.

That’s Ludacris.

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We’ve got neighbors from Hell

A lovely old Norwegian couple…

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“I had a vision out of the cornea of my eye

that you would be a great pupil,”

the teacher said.

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My wife had one of those near death experiences last night

Silly woman thought she could vacuum the floors

while the super bowl was on.

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When a college dormitory exploded

a lot of roomers were flying.

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CNN News “Tree Falls On Bank”

Didn’t say what branch though.

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When Billy was sent to prison the first thing he said

to his cell mate was, “I won’t be in here long”

“Well the judge gave you six years,” his cell mate said.

“Yeah I know,” Billy replied. “But my wife will break me out

she’s never let me finish a sentence before.”

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By the way,

I’m hosting a charity evening and raffle this Saturday evening

to raise money for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can’t come let me know.

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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

(Get it? No shins, Toe-Knee.)

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My son just asked, “Dad, can you tell me what gay means?”

“It means to be happy,” I replied.

“Are you gay, dad?”

“No, son. I married your mother!”

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My route to work has been scattered with average speed cameras.

You’d think the tight asses would have shelled out for the decent ones.

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I’m just off for a meeting with an Indian car maker.

Tata.

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Silly Named Game, Five!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I can’t make up my mind whether it’s a good thing that I don’t live in some of these places.

They certainly make good conversation starters – and maybe sometimes finishers!

Here is the latest selection

Enjoy.

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Did They Really Mean To Say That? Newspaper Headline Nightmares, Part Thirteen!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The midweek look at the newspapers.

Always something in here to amuse and entertain and to show how a little bit of stupidity often goes a long way.

Enjoy.

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And finally,

I’ll huff,

and I’ll puff… 

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Did They Really Mean To Say That? – Newspaper Headline Nightmares, Part Twelve!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Time for another mid-week look at the papers and to savor a few more newspaper headline nightmares.

Hope at least a few of these make you smile.

Enjoy. 

Oh yes, I nearly forgot – Good old Frasier!  (You’ll see what I mean later.)

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It Was An American After All

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes there is a new papa and he is an American.

Except he is a South American, from Argentina in fact.

Close but no cigar fasab 🙂

His name was Jorge Mario Bergoglio, but now it is Francis I, and he was the surprise choice in one of the fastest conclaves in recent times.

He is a Jesuit and he is 76 years old and, no pun intended, he has one hell of a mess to try to clean up.

In fact the trouble never stops coming.

As the election was getting under way in Rome, an article published on Monday, in the Italian newspaper La Republica, noted that the Vatican paid an estimated $30 million in 2008 for around 20 apartments in the imposing palazzo at 2 Via Carducci.

The Palazzo at 2 Via Carducci in Rome, the $30 million apartment complex bought by the Vatican.

Not only will these apartments do very little to help the poor and needy in his flock as I guess very few of them could afford even to rent a $1.5 million apartment let alone buy one, but the complex it turns out is also home to Italy’s biggest gay sauna, the Europa Multiclub!

Europa Multiclub, which features a Turkish bath and Finnish sauna, bills itself as the number one sauna in Italy. Open all year, the club also offers weekly “bear parties”, which it advertises on its website with a video of a stripper donning clerical attire.

Europa Multiclub entrance adorned with phallic topiary display. (Does that sign say use rear entrance?)

And to top it all, the housing block accommodates 15 priests, including a 12-room apartment on the first floor of the building for 76-year-old Cardinal Ivan Dias, a socially conservative Cardinal who was the former archbishop of Bombay, who has called homosexuality a disease of the soul. Does anyone detect a hint of hypocrisy?

Red faces to go with those red robes I think.

Good luck Francis, you’re going to need it.

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