Political Jokes!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

No, this isn’t a list of the names of the members of the HoR or the Senate, or even the Obama administration, although I see why you would have jumped to that conclusion.

I thought I would try to lighten the mood for the weekend by posting some of the political jokes that made me smile.

Hope they have the same effect on you.

Enjoy.

.

 

.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common:

they should both be changed regularly…

and for the same reason.

.

.

Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new ‘Obama Value Meal’?

A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

.

 

.

Q: How many politicians does

it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two: one to change it and

another one to change it back again.

.

.stupid face 01

.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?

A: Your Honor.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

A: Senator.

.

.

We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash, and Bob Hope.

Now we have Obama, no cash, and no hope.

.

.

The recession is getting so bad,

the bank sent me a new type of credit card.

It was pre-declined.

.stupid face 02

 

.

It was so cold in Washington today,

I saw a Democrat who had his hands in his own pockets!

.

.

I is very proud dat I went 2 school in da UK.

I fink out of all 17 countries in da world UK is da best.

.

.

When they call the roll in the Senate,

the Senators do not know whether to answer

‘Present’ or ‘Not guilty.’ 

.

.stupid face 07Today’s public figures can no longer

Today’s public figures can no longer

write their own speeches or books,

and there is some evidence

that they can’t read them either. 

(Gore Vidal.)

.

 

.

‘Politics is the art of looking for trouble,

finding it whether it exists or not,

diagnosing it incorrectly,

and applying the wrong remedy’.

(Ernest Benn.)

 .

.

‘Politicians are the same all over.

They promise to build bridges,

even where there are no rivers’.

(Nikita Kruschchev.)

.

 

stupid face 05

.

I just hope our next world war isn’t with China.

Who would make uniforms for the troops?

.

.

The Iranian leader has left

on a tour of friendly countries.

He’s expected home tomorrow.

.

.

Foreign Aid :

Poor people in a rich country

sending money to

rich people in a poor country.

.

stupid face 06

.

I rarely speak to Obama supporters,

but when I do….

I ask for large fries.

.

.

Obama: “Here we are, two black presidents.”

Mandela: “You’re not very black.”

Obama: “I’ve not been to jail.”

.

.

President Obama met Bill Clinton for lunch.

“I was sorry to hear about Hillary’s concussion,”

Obama said. “How’s her head?”

“It’s fine,” Bill replied.

“But she’s no Monica.”

.

stupid_391615

.

My computer crashed earlier and I lost all my files,

Luckily the NSA has a back up…

.

.

Stop repeat offenders.

Don’t re-elect them!

.

.

Democracy:

A political system where

any two idiots outvote a genius.

.

stupid face 03

.

How many Feminists does

it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.

One to get a man to change it,

and the other to criticize men for inventing it.

.

.

Spin doctors:

People who never call a spade a spade.

They proclaim it as a ground-breaking innovation.

.

.

Politicians should serve two terms.

One in office, one in prison.

.

stupid face 08

.

No matter who you vote for

the government always seems to get in.

.

.

Definition of an elephant:

A mouse built to government specifications.

.

.

The word ‘politics’ is derived from

the word ‘poly’, meaning ‘many’,

and the word ‘ticks’,

meaning ‘blood sucking parasites’.

(Larry Hardiman.)

.

====================================

 

 

Did You Know? – Find Out The Latest Facts Here.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Yes, today is your chance to find out the latest crop of facts on the fasab blog.

As random as ever, I hope there will be at least a few of interest.

Enjoy.

.

did you know4

.

There is a $5 fine for anyone on staff at the

real Top Gun school who quotes the movie.

top gun

.

.

If you were to remove all of the empty space from the

atoms that make up every human on earth,

the entire world population could fit into an apple.

(Core blimey!)

apple

.

.

Highest human settlement, the mining town of 

La Rinconada Found in Peru,

is in the highest hospitable regions of the world.

Any higher and human’s would not be able to adapt.

La Rinconada Found

.

.

A New Orleans man hired a pirate to rescue

Napoleon from his prison on St. Helena.

a pirate

.

.

Arabic numerals (the ones used in English)

were not invented by the Arabs at all

– they were actually invented by Indian mathematicians.

text-arabic-numbers0-9

.

.

Sean Connery was offered up to 15% of

the Lord Of The Rings worldwide receipts to play Gandalf,

but he declined because he ‘didn’t understand the script’.

The decision cost him $400 million!

Gandalf

.

.

There are around 30 million accounts on Facebook

of people who have already died.

Facebook

.

.

In 1912, a Paris orphanage held a raffle to raise money

—the prizes were live babies.

Paris orphanage baby lottery

.

.

The only city whose name can be spelled completely with vowels

is Aiea, Hawaii, located approximately twelve miles west of Honolulu.

map_of_aiea_hi

.

.

The Statue of Liberty’s tablet is two feet thick.

(That one’s hard to swallow!)

Statue of Liberty's tablet

.

.

Mauna Kea, the volcano on Hawaii’s big island

is over twice as tall as Mount Everest

if measured from its base on the sea floor to its peak.

Mauna Kea

.

.

The chief translator for the European Parliament

is fluent in 32 languages.

chief translator for the European Parliament

.

.

At the start of World War I, the US Airforce

(then a component of the US army)

had only 18 pilots and 5 – 12 airplanes.

Nowadays they have a lot!

just some of the US Air force planes

.

.

Located in Canada, Mount Thor has a vertical drop of 1,250 meters

and despite its extremely remote location in the frozen tundra of

Canada’s northern provinces, it is a popular rock climbing destination.

Trepanier_MountThor87

.

.

Gary Numan is older than Gary Oldman

.

.

===================================================

.

Does A Man Need A Mistress Just To Break The Monogamy?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Let’s not get into a discussion on marriage.

Rather just investigate some more of those word plays we call puns.

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

Did you hear about the two crooks who bought a hotel.

They were inn-mates.

cell-mates

.

.

“This fishing tackle tastes disgusting!”

he said with baited breath.

fishing tackle

.

.

So the barman says to Paddy,

“Your glass is empty, would you like another one?”

“Another one?” Paddy replies,

“Sure what would I want with two empty glasses?”

in bar

.

.

In America,

2pac’s of Eminem’s cost 50 Cents.

That’s Ludacris.

ludacris

.

.

We’ve got neighbors from Hell

A lovely old Norwegian couple…

Images of Norway

.

.

“I had a vision out of the cornea of my eye

that you would be a great pupil,”

the teacher said.

eye

.

.

My wife had one of those near death experiences last night

Silly woman thought she could vacuum the floors

while the super bowl was on.

vacuum cleaner

.

.

When a college dormitory exploded

a lot of roomers were flying.

kaboom

.

.

CNN News “Tree Falls On Bank”

Didn’t say what branch though.

tree falls on building

.

.

When Billy was sent to prison the first thing he said

to his cell mate was, “I won’t be in here long”

“Well the judge gave you six years,” his cell mate said.

“Yeah I know,” Billy replied. “But my wife will break me out

she’s never let me finish a sentence before.”

law-order-gaol-gaols-prisons-crime-criminal-ksmn2964l

.

.

By the way,

I’m hosting a charity evening and raffle this Saturday evening

to raise money for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can’t come let me know.

raffle_tickets

.

.

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

(Get it? No shins, Toe-Knee.)

man with no shins

.

.

My son just asked, “Dad, can you tell me what gay means?”

“It means to be happy,” I replied.

“Are you gay, dad?”

“No, son. I married your mother!”

father and son

.

.

My route to work has been scattered with average speed cameras.

You’d think the tight asses would have shelled out for the decent ones.

average speed camera

.

.

I’m just off for a meeting with an Indian car maker.

Tata.

Tata-Motors

.

.

====================================

.

 

Time For Another Fun Filled Facts Day

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Yes it’s time for another day filled with those fun facts that we all like to read.

And they’ll come in handy when you least expect it, as one or two people have already found out.

So learn and enjoy!

.

.

In the 1800s feeding lobster to prisoners

was considered to be ‘a cruel and unusual punishment,

like making people eat rats’.

lobster-thermidor

.

Mosquitos are more attracted to the color blue than any other color.

mosquito-hunter

.

The Guinness Book of Records holds the record

for being the book most often stolen from Libraries.

guinness-world-records-2013-book_0

.

In Albania,

nodding your head means ‘no’

and shaking your head means ‘yes’.

opposite-day

.

You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.

How unique is that?

birthday

.

In India, Pajamas are accepted as standard daytime wearing apparel.

kurta-pajama

.

A female oyster produces 100 million young in her lifetime;

the typical hen lays 19 dozen eggs a year;

rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants;

and it is possible for one female cat to be responsible for the birth of 20,736 kittens in four years.

kittens

.

The greatest officially recorded number of children born to one mother is 69,

to the wife of Feodor Vassilyev (b. 1707–c.1782), a peasant from Shuya, Russia.

In 27 confinements she gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets and four sets of quadruplets.

Only two of the children failed to survive their infancy.

69-children-born-to-one-woman

.

750ml of blood pumps through your brain every minute

which is 15-20% of blood flow from the heart.

brain

.

. 

The February of 1865 and 1999 are the only months

in recorded history not to have a full moon.

moon

.

It has been estimated that at any one time

around 0.7% of the world’s population is drunk.

Cheers!

Cartoon_Drunk

.

The name Jeep comes from “GP”,

the army abbreviation for General Purpose.

jeep

.

. 

Baby Ruth candy bar was named after Grover Cleveland’s daughter, Ruth,

not the baseball player.

baby-ruth-logo

.

Elwood Edwards did the voice for the AOL sound files

(i.e. “You’ve got Mail!”).

Elwood Edwards

.

55.1% of all US prisoners are in prison for drug offenses.

prisoners

.

Sherlock Holmes NEVER said ‘Elementary, my dear Watson!’

Holmes does use the word ‘elementary’ in The Crooked Man (1894)

but ‘Elementary, my dear Watson’ itself was coined 21 years later

by P.G. Wodehouse in his novel Psmith, Journalist (1915).

However, Holmes did ejaculate several times, as did Watson and others.

In fact, there are 23 ejaculations in total, with 11 belonging to Watson and 6 to Holmes.

On one occasion, Holmes refers to Watson’s ‘ejaculations of wonder’ being invaluable;

on another, Watson ejaculates ‘from his very heart’ in the direction of his fiancée.

A chap called Phelps ejaculated three times during the story of The Naval Treaty.

The only other ejaculator is Mrs St Clair’s husband,

who ejaculates at her from a second-floor window!

Paget_holmes

It is not clear whether it is Holmes or Watson who ejaculates in the passage below,

taken from “The Man with the Twisted Lip”, 1891:

“So he sat as I dropped off to sleep, and so he sat when a sudden ejaculation caused me to wake up,

and I found the summer sun shining into the apartment. The pipe was still between his lips,

the smoke still curled upward, and the room was full of a dense tobacco haze,

but nothing remained of the heap of shag which I had seen upon the previous night.”

Isn’t the English Language wonderful.

==========================

.

US Politics & Foreign Policy for Dummies

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

A bit of a change from numbers this Friday.

I found this piece which purports to explain and enlighten us about US politics.

It is in the form of a conversation between a father and his child and as children do, some very telling questions are asked to which the answers are to say the least confusing.

Some of it is a little bit dated, but the basic principles hold good today. It highlights yet again the deeply flawed thinking that is still behind the decisions that affect us all.

.

foreign policy for dummies

.

Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?

A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction honey.

 

Q: But the inspectors didn’t find any weapons of mass destruction.

A: That’s because the Iraqis were hiding them.

 

Q: And that’s why we invaded Iraq?

A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.

 

Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn’t find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?

A: That’s because the weapons are so well hidden. Don’t worry, we’ll find something eventually.

 

Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?

A: To use them in a war, silly.

 

Q: I’m confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn’t they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?

A: Well, obviously they didn’t want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.

 

Q: That doesn’t make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons to fight us back with?

A: It’s a different culture. It’s not supposed to make sense.

 

Q: I don’t know about you, but I don’t think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.

A: Well, you know, it doesn’t matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.

 

Q: And what was that?

A: Even if Iraq didn’t have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.

 

Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?

A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.

 

Q: Kind of like what they do in China?

A: Don’t go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.

 

Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it’s a good country, even if that country tortures people?

A: Right.

 

Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?

A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.

 

Q: Isn’t that exactly what happens in China?

A: I told you, China is different.

 

Q: What’s the difference between China and Iraq?

A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba’ath party, while China is Communist.

 

Q: Didn’t you once tell me Communists were bad?

A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.

 

Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?

A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.

 

Q: Like in Iraq?

A: Exactly.

 

Q: And like in China, too?

A: I told you, China’s a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.

 

Q: How come Cuba isn’t a good economic competitor?

A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.

 

Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn’t that help the Cubans become capitalists?

A: Don’t be a smart-ass.

 

Q: I didn’t think I was being one.

A: Well, anyway, they also don’t have freedom of religion in Cuba.

 

Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?

A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he’s not really a legitimate leader anyway.

 

Q: What’s a military coup?

A: That’s when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.

 

Q: Didn’t the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?

A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.

 

Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?

A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.

 

Q: Didn’t you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?

A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.

 

Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?

A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.

 

Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?

A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men, fifteen of them Saudi Arabians, hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.

 

Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?

A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.

 

Q: Aren’t the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people’s heads and hands?

A: Yes, that’s exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people’s heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.

 

Q: Didn’t the Bush administration give the Taliban $43 million dollars back in May of 2001?

A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.

 

Q: Fighting drugs?

A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.

 

Q: How did they do such a good job?

A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.

 

Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people’s heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people’s heads and hands off for other reasons?

A: Yes. It’s OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people’s hands for growing flowers, but it’s cruel if they cut off people’s hands for stealing bread.

 

Q: Don’t they also cut off people’s hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?

A: That’s different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.

 

Q: Don’t Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?

A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.

 

Q: What’s the difference?

A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman’s body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman’s body except for her eyes and fingers.

 

Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.

A: Now, don’t go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.

 

Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.

A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.

 

Q: Who trained them?

A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.

 

Q: Was he from Afghanistan?

A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.

 

Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.

A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.

 

Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?

A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.

 

Q: So the Soviets – I mean, the Russians – are now our friends?

A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we’re mad at them now. We’re also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn’t help us invade Iraq either.

 

Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?

A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.

 

Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn’t do what we want them to do?

A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.

 

Q: But wasn’t Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?

A: Well, yeah. For a while.

 

Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?

A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.

 

Q: Why did that make him our friend?

A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.

 

Q: Isn’t that when he gassed the Kurds?

A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.

 

Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?

A: Most of the time, yes.

 

Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?

A: Sometimes that’s true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.

 

Q: Why?

A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America’s side, anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?

 

Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?

A: Yes.

 

Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?

A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.

 

Q: So basically, what you’re saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?

A: Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.

 

Q: Good night, Daddy.

. 

politics for dummies

=======================================

.

I Can Hardly Believe it, They’re Getting Dumber – More Quiz Show Answers

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

What I said in the title of today’s selection of quiz show answers is very true. They are getting dumber!

Another thing that we can establish beyond reasonable doubt is that stupid people should not be allowed near bicycles.

Here’s this week’s lot, you’ll see what I mean.

Enjoy.  

.

.

Q: In books that are written in English, each line is printed and read starting at which side of the page?     

A: The right      

 .

Q: The song by Elvis that on its reissue in 2005 became the 1000th number one single in UK chart history is entitled “One…” what?   

A: A Little Less Conversation     

 .

 .

Q: In solid geometry, What H is the name given to half a sphere?            

A: Half a circle  

 .

 .

Q: Which iconic cartoon family made their film debut in 2007, 20 years after their show was first broadcast on American television?        

A: The Osbournes

 .

 .

Q: How many wheels does a unicycle have?       

A: Two 

 .

 .

Q: In medicine, the phrase “contagious disease” literally means an illness that is spread by which of the five senses?        

A: Sight.          

 .

 .

Q: In science, what was the surname of the German physicist who is credited with the invention of the mercury thermometer?            

A: Mercury       

 .

 .

Q: In slang, which three-letter word precedes “shop” to make a rhyming term for a police station? 

A: Nick

 .

Q: The role of the plump teenager Tracy Turnblad, played by Nikki Blonsky in the 2007 film “Hairspray,” was played in the 1988 original by Ricki who?        

A: Tomlinson

 .

Q:  Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court. 

A:  Lepers.

 .

 .

Q:  Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year? 

A:  I don’t know, I need a clue.

Q.:  OK. What do beans come in?

A:  Cartons?

 .

 .

Q:  Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? 

A:  I don’t know.

 

Q:  I’ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

A:  Arm.

 

Q:  Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re . . .?

A:  Strong.

 

Q:  Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?

A:  Louis.

 

Q:  Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful

World?

A:  Frank Sinatra?

 .

Q:  What is the capital of Italy? 

A:  France.

 

Q:  France is another country. Try again.

A:  Oh, um, Benidorm.

 

Q:  Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

A:  Sorry, I don’t know.

 

Q:  Just guess a country then.

A:  Paris.

 .

 .

Q:  What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and ‘cheesemongers’? 

A:  Homosexuals. 

Q:  No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

 .

 .

Q:  Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party? 

A:  The Conservative Party.

 .

 .

Q: How many wheels are there on a unicycle? 

A:  Three.

 .

 .

Q:  In traffic, what ‘J’ is where two roads meet?

A:  Jool carriageway

 .

 .

Q:  How many metres are there in a kilometre? 

A:  Three.

 .

 .

Q:  How many wheels does a tricycle have? 

A:  Two.

 .

Q:  What was Gandhi’s first name?

A:  Goosey, goosey

================================