Plant Puns: Weed ‘Em And Reap!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Not really a day of plant puns, but it is Pun Day, so you might want to weep anyway.

You know the drill (little gardening pun there).

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Teacher: If you were a great composer,

where would you live?

Boy: In A Flat.

Jimi Hendrix's flat

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I missed today’s Hairdressing Championships,

can anyone tell me if there were any highlights?

Hairdressing Championships

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The World Health Organization has

just announced its new slogan.

“WHO cares”.

WHO cares

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My teacher said I was average,

I told him that’s just mean.

average and mean

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I used to be a gold prospector,

but it didn’t pan out.

gold prospector

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I’ve written my own political manifesto

but I haven’t used one single upper-case letter.

I’m not a capitalist.

lower-case letter

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Men with gender issues have it tough in the UK,

I’m sure they’d love to be a broad.

Men with gender issues

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I wrote some new hymns for the congregation

to sing at my local church and the

Vicar says everybody loves them.

They can’t stop singing my praises.

hymns for the congregation

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I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub.

He seemed like a decent feller.

lumberjack

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If you want to be a coroner be

prepared for a stiff examination.

coroner

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My friend is a real Don Juan with the ladies.

The ladies Don Juan anything to do with him.

Don Juan with the ladies

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When I was in the army I reckoned all

officers higher up that Colonels are assholes.

But I hate when people Generalize.

Generals

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I’ve never seen a flamenco dancer,

but those Spaniards must be clever

to train a bird of that size.

flamingo dancer

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My wife is trying to wind me up

with jibes about my impotence.

I’m not rising to that.

jibes about my impotence

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I didn’t want to go to the

“I Love The 80s” fancy dress party,

but my friend was adamant.

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Why Isn’t There An I In Cyclops?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day again. How quickly they seem to come around.

Here’s the latest selection.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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The key to winning world’s best chiropodist title is no mean feet.

worlds_greatest_podiatrist_women_cartoon_poster

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I got woken up at 5am today by a bird tweeting.

If she doesn’t get a grip on her Internet addiction soon, I’m dumping her.

Woman in front of a computer with Twitter logo

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Mulled wine is just wine that people think a lot about.

mulled wine

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My friend told me he is going to a fancy dress

party as a native American warrior.

I thought, that’s brave.

indian brave

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I’ve just given a ten minute presentation

about underwear to Stephen Hawking.

It was a timed history of briefs.

Stephen Hawking A Brief History Of Time

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My friend asked me,

“Why are you so lazy when it comes to numbers?”

I said “You do the maths.”

math problem

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Dave the slug and Pete the termite are in the pub.

“I’d love to win the lottery,” Dave the slug said.

“Not me,” replied Pete the termite. “No way.”

“Why not?” asked Dave the slug.

“It would be a nightmare,” Pete the termite said.

“I’d have all my family crawling out of the woodwork after a share.”

termite cartoon

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I said to the wife, “How come I never find you in the mood for sex?”

She replied, “You don’t look hard enough.”

husband and wife in bed cartoon

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I always pray before I play a game of pool.

That way the angles help me.

pool shark

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Reports are coming in of a huge explosion

in a baking powder factory.

Police are expecting casualties to rise.

explosion in factory

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My wife gets furious when I put her down in front of my friends.

But it’s really embarrassing carrying around a 35 year old woman.

man-holding-woman

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What is small, red and whispers?

A hoarse raddish.

cartoon-radish-raising-his-hands

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While trekking in Nepal I saw a Yeti with an awesome six-pack.

Must have been the abdominal snowman.

abdominable snowman

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To become a good dentist,

you need a degree in Flossify.

flossing cartoon

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Just found out that ‘Aaarrrggghhh’ is not a real word.

I can’t even tell you how angry I am!

aaarrrggghhh

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Jobs Blow For Sex Workers

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Thought it was safe?

Sorry, pun day again folks.

Enjoy!

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Deja Moo:

The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

deja-moo

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I’m not a complete idiot

Some parts are just missing.

I'm not a complete idiot

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The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

gene pool could use a little chlorine

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A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Old Coots Hangover The Wrath Of Grapes

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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:

“A beer please, and one for the road.”

One-for-the-road

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Did you hear about the butcher backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

a little behind in his work

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She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg,

but broke it off.

boyfriend with a wooden leg

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Without geometry, life is pointless.

without geometry

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Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Baker_Kneading_Dough

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I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

blanket-blanket-factory-folded-pun

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Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

cartoon_condom

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Dockyard:

A physician’s garden.

physician's garden

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A guy was confused about why the doctors had amputated his arms and legs.

In fact he was stumped.

amputated his arms

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A man wakes up on a deserted island

only to find that the sun, sand and sea are all purple.

He cried: “Oh no, I’ve been marooned!”

marooned

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Men need to stop telling jokes about women’s menstrual cycle!

Period.

women's menstrual cycle

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My girlfriend said that she’s leaving me,

because of my constant grass related puns.

I told her to sod off.

sod

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My wife gave me a lecture about

my obsession with mythical creature puns.

It didn’t half Dragon.

dragon

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A nine-year-old lad walks into a pub and yells at the barmaid for a Scotch on the rocks.

‘Do you want to get me into trouble?’ she replies.

‘Maybe later,’ says the boy, ‘but now I just want a drink’.

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Pun Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yet another selection of those jokes you love to hate.

I wouldn’t guarantee the politically correctness of some of them, but enjoy them if you can!

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How do Welsh people cross the road?

Caerphilly!

Caerphilly

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Are dwarfs the lowest form of human life?

cartoon dwarf

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What are the rules of gay poker?

Queens are wild and straights don’t count.

cards_bicycle_poker_decK

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I had a mate who was suicidal.

He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

cartoon_train

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A little old lady takes her dead cats to a taxidermist to be stuffed.

“Would you like them mounted?” asked the taxidermist.

“Oooo no….” says the lady, “just snuggled up next to each other.”

stuffed cats

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A woman in the pharmacy sees a deal offering 5 boxes of tampons for a dollar.

She can’t believe how good the deal is and asks the manager, “Is that price correct?”

“Sure is,” says the manager, “It’s a special offer, 5 boxes for a dollar and there are no strings attached!”

tampon choc

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Did you hear about the gay carpenter?

He always left a saw behind!

carpenter_cartoon

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A psychotic rapist escaped recently from a mental institution for the criminally insane. He ran across the street to the laundromat hoping to find a change of clothes. Inside, he discovered two women, and forced them to have sex. Then he fled out the back door.

The next day the local newspaper headline read, “NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS!”

cartoon crazy dude

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Irish bloke walks into a pub and says, “Drink of orange please landlord.”

The landlord asks, “Still orange?”

Irish fella replies, “Yes, I haven’t changed my mind.”

irishman bar

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Two blondes walk into a building…

Wow, you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

Two_Blondes_by_sincity2

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What do you call a bloke with a one inch penis?

Justin.

small-penis

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After announcing he’s getting married, a Scotsman tells his pal he’ll be wearing a kilt.

‘And what’s the tartan?’ asks the mate.

‘Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress.’ he replies.

cartoon-scotsman-with-a-kilt

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Two parrots on a perch.

One turns to the other and says, “Can you smell fish?”

two-parrots

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What qualifications do you need to be a road sweeper?

None.

You just pick it up as you go along!

road_sweeper

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Good King Wenseslas called his local pizza parlour.

“Would you like your usual, sir?”

“Oh yes,” he replied. “Deep pan: crisp and even.”

good-king-wenceslas-omar-rayyan

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A customer is ordering food in an Indian restaurant.

“Waiter, what’s this Chicken Tarka?”

The waiter replies, “it’s the same as Chicken Tikka, but it’s a little ‘Otter.”

cartoon-otter

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