I’ve Heard Of A Plane Going Missing – But An Entire Airport???

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Bureaucrats lose things because they are incompetent and stupid.

We all know that.

My posts on the debacle at the US government’s Office of Personnel Management, where they lost over 21 million records of government employees and those who had applied for government jobs, was a good example.

I though at the time I read about this and did my blog posts that this would be a tough one to beat as regards stupidity and incompetence.

I was wrong.

 

Enter the Irish.

Irish bureaucrats have lost an entire airport.

And it only cost them €27 million  to do it.

A bargain one might think in terms of bureaucratic faux pas.

Up until last week you could find Ireland’s Shannon Airport, in Shannon, County Clare.

Sounds logical enough. If I was looking for Shannon Airport, Shannon is the first place I would look for it. They have had an airport there for over seventy years.

Now, however, after the introduction of Ireland’s new €27 million postcode system, the ‘Eircode’, you can now find Shannon Airport in – wait for it – a different county, County Limerick.

If that isn’t funny enough, the system also has a ‘mapping’ option which the bureaucrats say can identify the exact latitude and longitude of 2.2 million individual addresses. They’ll most likely be in the wrong latitude and longitude, but at least you know exactly how wrong the location is.

Naturally there are other problems with the ‘Eircode’ postcode system, ranging from other incorrect addresses to data protection concerns, but the airport one is the star of the show.

In typical bureaucratic fashion, despite the fact that the whole thing is an almighty mess, Communications Minister Alex White defended the new national system.

He even claimed it would make postal deliveries much easier in the long run – the ‘long run’ presumably referring to the distance traveled by your mail going to the wrong delivery address and confused users of the system going to all the wrong places.

Not only do the bewildered Irish users of this new system get wrong addresses for their €27 million, but they are only allowed a miserable fifteen searches per day, meaning you would need to persevere with it for more than a week if you were organizing a big event, like a wedding or anniversary do.

There is an option to search for more wrong addresses but the fee for that dubious privilege is between €60 and €180 a year, depending on the number of searches performed.

Good luck with selling that too!

Now where did I put the milk for my coffee?

Ah yes, in the garage next door.

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A Simile Is Like A Metaphor – Literally!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I was going to introduce today’s post by saying some like “I hope you are having a pun-tastic week”, but I thought I would sound like a demented DJ from the 1970s.

So I’ll just say hello and welcome and let you get on with the puns.

Enjoy or endure!!

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Lite:

the new way to spell “Light,”

now with 20% fewer letters!

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I was asked to man the phones

at work the other day.

So I went round and drew a

little mustache on all of them.

 

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Spelling…

It’s not brian surgery.

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Hamlet:

A small pig.

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According to my Spanish doctor

I have Hepatitis Yes

 

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My doctor told me to quit my helium addiction

before I got carried away.

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2B or not 2B?

I don’t think I’ve ever put this much thought

into which shade of pencil to use before.

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‘UK Man has first hand transplant.’

Surely that’s a second hand transplant.

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I was taking a short cut across a field the other day,

I was halfway across when the farmer approached me and said,

“Did you leave that small wooden step at the edge of my field?”

I replied, “No, it wasn’t me, that’s not my stile”

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Someone told me if you

smack a fish before frying it,

the meat will taste fresher.

What a load of codswallop.

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I’ve just accidentally superglued my fingers

to a copy of my autobiography.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

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Me and my limbo dancing team

go way back

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I. O. U. A. Vowel

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If you add a couple of consonants to one of those vowels you get PUN, which is rather convenient because today is pun day.

You know what’s next.

Enjoy or endure!!

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I really love my fanbase…

without it my fan would fall over.

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When people ask me

what my best quality is,

I always tell them my second best

quality is being mysterious.

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Communicating with Native Americans

… it’s easy when you know How.

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I don’t care what people say,

I’m a terrible psychiatrist.

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My friend was in a go kart race and

kept going even after all his wheels fell off.

It was a tireless effort

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I got so excited in French lessons that

sometimes “oui” would come out

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If you want to know how to see without glasses,

I’ve got some good contacts.

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To all you letters that

want to be before

p in the alphabet,

join the q.

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Walk in fridges.

Pretty cool.

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Everybody has an ego,

mine is just bigger and  better.

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Trees can break wind

(and they’re not the only ones!)

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Four thieves were robbing a music

store when the cops turned up.

The first grabbed all the pop CDs and ran off.

The second grabbed the rock CDs and also ran off.

The third grabbed the Jazz and followed suit.

The fourth was forced to take the rap.

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All Generalizations Are False.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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All generalizations are false, except for the one that says people enjoy puns or word plays.

Just to prove the point here is another selection.

Enjoy or endure!!

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There are only five vowels but

nobody’s ever thought to ask y.

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A 600 pound man committed suicide

by jumping into a ravine.

He gorged himself to death.

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What do you call a

vicar on a motorbike?

Rev.

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I lost my job as Donald Duck at

Disneyworld after I put on some weight.

I just didn’t fit the bill.

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Mirror inspecting is a job

I can’t really see myself doing.

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My friend’s wife is really ugly.

So I asked him one day,

“Why do you take her out so much?”

“So I don’t have to kiss her goodbye,” he confessed.

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An ice rink is a good place

to go to pick up women.

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I wouldn’t say the cruise ship was old

but it was insured against fire, piracy,

and falling off the edge of the world.

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If I get one more request to do a somersault,

I’m gonna flip.

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If vegetarians love animals so much,

why do they eat all their food?

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I left my last girlfriend because

she wouldn’t stop counting.

I often wonder what she’s up to now.

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My son is learning to play the guitar

How clef-er.

Wonder if he’ll ever be as good as this kid?

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Midgets Understand Everyone.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Just a small pun in the title to introduce you to this week’s selection of word plays, or puns.

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!

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A problem shared

is a problem laughed at.

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A lot of people say I am egocentric

– but enough about them

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I was named after my father.

I don’t really like the name ‘Dad’ though.

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Three out of four people

make up 75% of the population.

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Oh how times have changed.

I used to spend my nights out ogling women.

Now I spend my nights in googling them.

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My friend asked me to

walk down a hill with him.

So I declined.

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I finally went to the doctor this morning

after years of my knees giving way

whenever I’m in a slow moving queue.

It’s a longstanding problem.

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What do you call

a Scottish landowner?

Hectare.

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Don’t tell anyone I told you this,

but people say that I gossip far too much.

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My wife has packed her bags and gone

– just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

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It’s hard being a member

of the innuendo society.

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One of the toddlers on the

Intensive Care Unit is playing

with a toy donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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Jobs, Jobs, And More Jobs

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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This post is about jobs.

You might have guessed that from the title.

Not the late Steve, the other kind.

During the past months America has been creating approximately 200,000 jobs. At least that’s what the official figures are saying. It has helped to indicate the underlying strength of the economy, led to official unemployment figures of 5.5% and propped up the USD on the foreign exchange markets.

And no one is questioning any of it.

It’s as if it’s really real.

Again it’s all a question of what you do with the numbers.

The May 2015 figure for the labor force is 157.5 million. That is the figure the government uses to calculate it’s unemployment rate of 5.5%.

That’s what they call the ‘U3’ number. U3 is the official unemployment rate.

But there is also a ‘U5’ number that includes discouraged workers and all other marginally attached workers; and a ‘U6’ number that adds on those workers who are part-time purely for economic reasons.

Don’t ask me what happened to ‘U1’ or ‘U4’ because I don’t know. However ‘U2’ is a very successful pop group from Dublin, Ireland.

The problem is that the “official” unemployment rate (U3) does not count discouraged workers who have settled for part-time jobs or have given up looking altogether because they believe there are no jobs out there for them.

There are about another 7.5 million or so people who were not considered ‘unemployed’ because they were employed part-time for economic reasons. Those people are also called involuntary part-time workers – working part-time because their hours were cut back or because they were unable to secure a full-time job.

If you include those individuals, (the U6 number), you get a very different figure for the nation’s unemployment rate. Unlike other jobs figures, the U6 rate actually got worse in June.

So the real unemployment rate is well in excess of 12%, more than double the official figure.

But it is even worse than that.

The economy is growing, BUT it is growing slowly, and it is growing from a very low base caused by the financial crisis that the banksters brought upon us with their fraud and greed.

In that light, an increase of 200,000 jobs or so each month is basically just replacing some of the millions of jobs lost during the bank-caused recession, not creating ‘new’ jobs as such. In other words we’re just slowly getting back to where we were.

The forecasts aren’t optimistic either. If and when the workers laid off during the recent recession find new jobs and we get to what the government calls full employment, the labor force is forecast to grow at a rate of only 0.5% for the rest of this decade. At 0.5%, we grow at a rate of about 66,000 a month — nowhere near 200,000. Next decade it’s even worse, at 0.2%.

Add to that the fact that a great number of the jobs being created are government bureaucratic jobs that cost the country money, not real jobs that produce wealth for the country and you can see that there is little for the politicians to crow about.

As I noted in my post on Wednesday, with statistics you can ‘prove’ anything. Take any government figures with a great big pinch of salt.

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Sign Language Is Very Handy.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I would sign at you that this is Pun Day, but what would be the point you can’t see me.

Instead I’ll just keep quiet and let you get on with reading this latest selection of word plays.

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!

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If anyone ever tells you they’ve lost their voice,

They’re lying.

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I experimented with drugs while I was in university.

I’m now a fully qualified pharmaceutical engineer.

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The most common surname in China is Chang,

correct me if you think that’s Wong.

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I bet the bloke who threw the first boomerang

didn’t see that coming.

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All my friends hate using cliche phrases.

Even Steven.

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Want to keep the doctor away?

There’s an apple for that.

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I’ve just been given two weeks to live.

The wife’s gone away for a fortnight.

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Eleventeen percent of people

make up words.

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I’ve never been told

I am a bad listener.

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My football team is sponsored by Apple.

So now there is an ‘I’ in team.

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If I had a crystal ball

I’d sit down very carefully

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Finally for today,

here’s a bit of advice for you.

Advi.

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Bad Actors Have Their Work Cut Out.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Bad actors do get their work cut out, fortunately for both them and those of us who watch their movies.

However, bad puns are never cut out because the worse they are the better they are.

And here’s another selection to prove it.

Enjoy or endure.

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It’s not my fault I blame

everyone else for my mistakes.

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Steve Jobs,

a man who lived life to the macs

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I haven’t made a prediction

in my life and I never will.

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There are two types of people in this world.

Those who can extrapolate incomplete data

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I have trouble taking responsibility for my actions.

I blame my parents.

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The life of a snail is taken

with a pinch of salt.

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“I’m worried that those plants are artificial.”

“They’re not.”

“Well that’s a real leaf.”

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My motto is:

If you can’t beat them,

what’s the point in becoming a teacher?

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I’ve just arrived at the camouflage club

and I can see we have a big turnout.

Which is really disappointing.

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Whilst buying some nuts today

I noticed the pack said

“stachios”…

I thought…

someone’s taken the pis

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Be a scientist.

If at first you don’t succeed,

redefine success.

 

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One way or another I’m going to

have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics.

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Lif Is Too Short.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Lif may be too short but thankfully there’s no shortage of puns.

Here’s the latest selection for you to…

Enjoy or endure!!

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I’ve just ended a relationship with a hair stylist.

We just never gelled.

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Say what you like about deaf people.

But not blind people,

they can still hear you.

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I went to the inventor of Optrex’s funeral today.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

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My wife says the passion has gone out of our relationship.

She really doesn’t know how much I hate her.

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I used to be a hypochondriac until

I eventually became sick of it.

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What have Winnie the Pooh and

Atilla the Hun got in common ?…….

the same middle name

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Wouldn’t it be better if handmade shoes

were for your feet?

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I’ll be making a movie

about the Greek alphabets.

It’s a Psi Phi film.

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What do you call

a quick circumcision.

A rip off.

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According to scientists there is a

link between noise and obesity.

Probably the dinner bell.

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Just bought a time machine from Amazon.

Well you have to when they offer

previous day delivery.

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Finally for today a health warning:

Mixing cannabis with cod liver oil

is bad for your joints.

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I Made A Chicken Salad Today. It Didn’t Even Eat It.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no ingratitude like the ingratitude of a chicken when you specially prepare a meal for it.

Still I can always make some soup!

Want some more word play?

Try these.

Enjoy or endure!!

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When someone says they are not in denial,

I never know whether to believe them…

 

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What’s another name

for an angry feminist?

A feminist.

 

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My girlfriend said I’m afraid of commitment.

Well…

I wouldn’t really call her my girlfriend.

 

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I haven’t slept for ten days,

because that would be too long.

 

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Newspaper headline:

Air strike planned

Well I hope it doesn’t last long,

I can’t hold my breath for more than 30 seconds.

 

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I once went out with a girl called simile,

I don’t know what I metaphor.

 

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The grenade factory is the one place

where being able to hear a pin drop

is a bad thing

 

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I had a camera but,

whenever I photographed people,

they came out looking bald-headed…

it was then I realized that

I was using Kojak film.

 

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Are Dementia and Alzheimers

two separate illnesses

or are they one and the same thing?

I can never remember.

 

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A minor background part actor

walks into a massage parlour and

asks if they are willing to provide sexual services.

The lady replies

“Sorry love, we don’t do extras.”

 

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My Grandad’s so old

that he remembers

when X Factor was

just a Roman Sun cream

 

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My girlfriend told me that

my Tom Petty obsession

is getting out of hand,

but I won’t back down on this one.

No I won’t

Back

Down

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