Warning: Read Carefully, More Stupid Signs Ahead!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Heed the warning in the title, another selection of warning signs written for the chronically stupid follows.

That these have to be written is a tragedy in itself. That most of them seem to be written by they very people they are aimed at is one of those mysteries that may take years to solve.

In the meantime, enjoy.

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pointing left keep right sign

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“Malfunction: Too less water.”

A notice left on a coffee machine.

 malfunction

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“Prescriptions cannot be filled by phone.”

On a form in a clinic.

 phone

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“You could be a winner!

No purchase necessary.

Details inside.”

On a bag of Fritos.

 bag of Fritos

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“Fits one head.”

On a hotel-provided shower cap box.

 shower cap box

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“Payment is due by the due date.”

On a credit card statement.

 credit card statement

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“No small children.”

On a laundromat triple washer.

 laundromat triple washer

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“Warning: Ramp Ends In Stairs.”

A sign, correctly describing the end of a

concrete ramp intended for handicap access to a bridge.

 Warning Ramp Ends In Stairs

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“Take care: new non-slip surface.”

On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp

that led to the entrance of a building.

 Take care new non-slip surface

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“In case of flood, proceed uphill.

In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly.”

One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.

 summer camp

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“Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar,

vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour,

emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents,

enzymes, water.

May contain ……….fruit.”

The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns.

 package of fruit buns

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“100% pure yarn.”

On a sweater.

 sweater

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“Some materials may irritate sensitive skin.

Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.

Materials:

Covering: 100% Unknown.

Stuffing: 100% Unknown.”

On a pillow.

pillow

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Ugh, Communism Just Has No Class.

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Communism may have no class but clever word play certainly does.

That’s our cue for another Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I’m against picketing,

but I don’t know how to show it.

against picketing

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I saw a man walking along the street

with a t-shirt that said ‘Free Hugs’.

I don’t know who ‘Hugs’ is,

but I’m sure they should release him.

t-shirt 'Free Hugs'

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I went for a job interview at 

my local sandwich shop today.

As an aptitude test, the shop owner

asked me to make a beef sandwich

using only a spoon.

Unfortunately I didn’t get the job

– I couldn’t cut the mustard.

sandwich shop

 

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A committee is a group of people

who keep minutes and lose hours.

A committee

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I was given the sack at work last month.

I suppose you have to expect that

when you play Santa Clause.

play Santa Clause

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I can’t speak for anyone else,

but I think I’m a terrible ventriloquist.

terrible ventriloquist

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My girlfriend talked me into putting

table salt into my bath today.

I think I’ve been brine washed.

table salt into my bath

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I saw a strange white bear at the zoo today.

It was mating with a female bear then it

suddenly it tried mating with a male bear.

I think it’s Bi Polar.

white bear at the zoo

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Never employ someone who’s obsessed with graphs.

They’ll always be plotting behind your back.

graph

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I got a real telling off yesterday

when we were visiting grandma.

She has a very hairy upper lip

and when we were leaving, she asked

me why I wouldn’t kiss her good bye.

Apparently my answer, “Sorry, must-dash,”

wasn’t the best choice of words.

hairy upper lip

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How does an angry Muslim close a door?

Islams it.

door slam

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I’ve just seen a sign in the post office that said

“Stamps sold by the book”.

It’s good to know that someone follows the rules.

book of stamps

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I decided to open an

exclusive hotel and casino

for people who have epilepsy.

It’s called Seizure’s Palace.

Seizure's Palace

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I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds.

The cashier said, “Have you got a store card?”

I said, “No but I did get a budgie excited once.”

pet shop

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My friend has just rung to say

he’s bought a bubble car.

He’s going to pop round in it later.

bubble car

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I Can’t Stand X-Rays. They Go Right Through Me.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Some people feel the same way about puns.

I hope that doesn’t include you though.

So here are some more to….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I didn’t know how to spell “plagiarized”

so I copied and pasted it.

copy and paste

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A foreign lady at the market held

two pineapples up to me yesterday and said

“I give you two for one sir”.

It seemed like a fair swap, but unfortunately

I didn’t have a pineapple on me.

pineapples

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I got a luxury prize for using the correct

punctuation mark to denote ownership.

It was a posh trophy.

Apostrophe

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Whenever I go on a long country ramble,

I always take a good reliable compass with me.

You just never know when you might need to draw a circle.

compass

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Postman knocked on my door the other day and asked,

“Is this letter for you? The name is smudged.”

I said, “No, It’s not for me, my name’s Smith.”

Postman-Pat

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Went to a funfair the other day and saw that

the sign advertising it was missing the first F.

That’s just unfair.

Unfair

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A new book out today:

the Korean canine training manual

50 Ways to Wok your Dog

cook-with-a-wok

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“But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed

by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material

and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution?”

“Sedimentary, my dear Watson.”

Sedimentary, my dear Watson

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I tried to order some tennis balls

off the internet last night

but the site kept crashing.

Must be having problems with their server.

tennis ball

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A new Muslim version of Playboy is being published.

The model for the centerfold has just been unveiled.

Sila Sahin first Muslim to pose for Playboy

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I was going to make a herb garden the other day,

but I just haven’t got the thyme.

Indoor-Herb-Garden

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I failed Geography at school.

I couldn’t find the exam room

exam room

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Have you noticed that prison walls

are never built to scale.

prison walls

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I was on holiday in Spain when a friend  phoned me.

“How’s the hotel?” he asked.

“Well, I can’t complain, “ I replied.

“Oh, that’s good then,” he said.

I said, “No, it’s terrible! I just don’t speak the lingo.”

no hablo espanol

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A guy is climbing to the top of Mount Everest.

He has two steps to go when one of them notices

the heel on his right shoe is a little loose,

yet he decides to continue.

At the next step, the heel comes off and

the guy goes tumbling down the mountain.

As he goes by, he passes a couple of climbers.

First climber: Think we should help him?

Second climber: No, as he was going down

I heard him singing

“You picked a fine time to leave me, loose heel.”

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Ignorant? Why, I Don’t Know The Meaning Of The Word!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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They say ignorance is bliss and to a great extent I think that is correct.

I’m not sure you could say puns are bliss, but some of us seem to enjoy them, and for those who do here are some more.

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

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I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.

It’s a Bordeaux collie.

Bordeaux collie

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My friend asked me to get him a job at the opticians.

He knew I had the contacts.

contact lenses

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I’ve just opened a shoe shop.

So far I’ve successfully kept everyone away from it.

empty shoe shop

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I applied for a job in Australia

I think I have the necessary koalafications.

koalafications

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During a spelling test, our teacher told us to write down ‘to capitalize’.

That one was too easy I thought, as I wrote ‘I I’.

spelling test1

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I used to smoke Benson & Hedges, but then I changed brands.

It’s all been Dunhill from there.

Dunhill

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I just bought a Swiss car.

It runs like clockwork,

but I can’t figure out how to get it out of neutral.

clockwork car

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I’ve decided to make money writing dieting books.

I’m told they appeal to a very wide audience.

diets-dieters-diet_books

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I laid flowers for mother at the wrong tombstone.

It was a grave mistake.

wrong tombstone

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An apostrophe is the difference between

a business that should know its shit,

and a business that should know it’s shit.

apostrophe

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A few people are complaining about the new

lightning conductor at the concert hall.

A lot of the orchestra can’t keep up with him.

Conductor

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I fixed my wife up with a new job the other day

– as a human cannonball.

She went ballistic!

human cannonball

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I made a hotel out of little cheesy biscuits.

It’s not exactly the Ritz.

Ritz crackers

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I went to the doctor feeling ill and he said

“Lie down and cover yourself in salt.”

“How will that help?” I asked.

“Don’t know,” he said. “But in a week’s time you’ll be cured”.

curing salt

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Deleted scene from Alien:

“I can’t open the milk!”

“In space, no-one can. Here, use cream.”

alien_1979_tom_skerritt_sigourney_weaver

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Does A Man Need A Mistress Just To Break The Monogamy?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Let’s not get into a discussion on marriage.

Rather just investigate some more of those word plays we call puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Did you hear about the two crooks who bought a hotel.

They were inn-mates.

cell-mates

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“This fishing tackle tastes disgusting!”

he said with baited breath.

fishing tackle

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So the barman says to Paddy,

“Your glass is empty, would you like another one?”

“Another one?” Paddy replies,

“Sure what would I want with two empty glasses?”

in bar

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In America,

2pac’s of Eminem’s cost 50 Cents.

That’s Ludacris.

ludacris

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We’ve got neighbors from Hell

A lovely old Norwegian couple…

Images of Norway

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“I had a vision out of the cornea of my eye

that you would be a great pupil,”

the teacher said.

eye

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My wife had one of those near death experiences last night

Silly woman thought she could vacuum the floors

while the super bowl was on.

vacuum cleaner

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When a college dormitory exploded

a lot of roomers were flying.

kaboom

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CNN News “Tree Falls On Bank”

Didn’t say what branch though.

tree falls on building

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When Billy was sent to prison the first thing he said

to his cell mate was, “I won’t be in here long”

“Well the judge gave you six years,” his cell mate said.

“Yeah I know,” Billy replied. “But my wife will break me out

she’s never let me finish a sentence before.”

law-order-gaol-gaols-prisons-crime-criminal-ksmn2964l

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By the way,

I’m hosting a charity evening and raffle this Saturday evening

to raise money for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can’t come let me know.

raffle_tickets

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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

(Get it? No shins, Toe-Knee.)

man with no shins

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My son just asked, “Dad, can you tell me what gay means?”

“It means to be happy,” I replied.

“Are you gay, dad?”

“No, son. I married your mother!”

father and son

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My route to work has been scattered with average speed cameras.

You’d think the tight asses would have shelled out for the decent ones.

average speed camera

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I’m just off for a meeting with an Indian car maker.

Tata.

Tata-Motors

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Did You Know? – Here Are Some More Things You Probably Didn’t.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to another fact finding day on the fasab blog.

Fifteen more very random but hopefully interesting facts that you probably didn’t know.

Enjoy.

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did you know4

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If you live in France,

and happen to own a pig,

it is illegal to name it ‘Napoleon’.

pig Napoleon

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50 of the 83 restaurants

featured on Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares

have been sold or shut down.

ramsays-kitchen-nightmares

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In Turkey, it is illegal for a man

over 80 years old to become a pilot.

pilot turkey

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It took 127 beers to make Andre The Giant

pass out in a hotel lobby;

 he was so big, hotel management couldn’t

move him and left him there until the next day.

Andres-Hand-beer

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If you have the plague you are not

permitted to flag down a taxi in London.

London taxi

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If a set of identical twin women

married a set of identical twin men

and subsequently had children,

their kids would genetically be siblings.

nicoleandjaqueline

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Every year Louis Vuitton burns

all of its unsold stock of bags.

Louis_Vuitton_Speedy_Hand_Bags

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It is against the law in Barbados to wear any camouflage clothing,

but, hey, if it’s good enough whose going to notice?

bushgreen camouflage

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Sean Connery wore a wig in every

one of his Bond performances.

Sean Connery James Bond

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Whilst chewing gum in Singapore is not illegal,

importing it, or selling it,

or spitting it on to the pavement definitely is.

Singapore gum sign

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Peter Sellers was paid $1 million for his

part in the movie Dr. Strangelove,

55 percent of the film’s budget.

peter-sellers-as-dr-strangelove

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In Canada stores are not

legally required to accept coins

Canadian-Specimen-Set-Coins

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The United Arab Emirates donated a laptop

to every high school student in Joplin, Missouri,

after the city had been devastated by a tornado.

Joplin, Missouri after tornado

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Astronaut Pete Conrad’s first sentence on the moon was

“Oooh, is that soft an queasy”,

said in order to win a $500 bet.

pete conrad

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And speaking of the Moon,

the Moonwalk predates Michael Jackson by at least 50 years,

having been performed by James Brown, David Bowie,

Dick Van Dyke and Cab Calloway.

(MJ is still the best at it though.)

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People Who Use Euphemisms Really Get On My You Know Whats!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day!

Twenty more examples of word play to make you smile or groan, or maybe even both.

Enjoy!

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rofl

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No matter how hard I try, I simply can’t figure out

what’s the opposite of ironing.

It’s depressing.

ironing

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What’s the difference between mountains and hills?

Mountains tend to get high, but hills are less inclined

mountains and hills

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After criticizing yet another outfit, my wife said she

was going to leave me due to my poor dress sense.

“Please baby” I pleaded. “I can change.”

poor dress sense

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Doctor Who started working for our road repair company today,

his first job was to fill in potholes.

“Tardis”, I told him.

Dr Who's tardis

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Pepperami..

What Sgt Pepper served in.

peperami1

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Did you hear about the guy who was so stupid

that when they gave him enough rope,

he shot himself.

stupid

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The blow hard bloke next door says his car is more powerful than mine

and that he would easily beat me in a race.

He’s all torque.

CARS 2

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I’ve been caught up in a race row.

I don’t care what he says, I won fair and square.

race

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People often tell me I have very little patience.

But that’s probably because I’m a doctor specializing in dwarfism.

Seven Dwarfs

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A friend of mine accused me of plagiarism.

I didn’t know what that meant, but I took his word.

cartoon_plagiarism_1836615

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I saw that the latest remake of the Dukes of Hazzard includes

a scene where Bo and Luke install a talking car alarm.

I’m not sure that’s going to go down well,

General Lee speaking.

General_Lee__Dukes_of_Hazzard_by_xxatwaxx

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The wife used to work on a maternity ward.

It was labor-intensive.

Pregnancy-Cartoon

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My new neighbor works in a board game factory.

His job is to take small wooden cubes and engrave them.

I don’t like him…

He’s dot a dice person.

dice

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I stopped at a hotel last night called

“The good, the bad, and the ugly.”

It was a Best Western.

best-western-logo3

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I once met a really stupid bloke on a Greek island.

He was a Cretan.

Souda Bay Crete

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At an awards dinner last night,

I just finished enjoying some middle eastern dip

when I was called up to accept my award.

It was post hummus.

10oz-classic-hummus

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A few weeks ago, 1,400 people were killed in Syria by a chemical attack.

It almost became Obama’s road to Degasmasks.

gas masks

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I can never wear my lucky golf socks again.

I got a hole in one.

sock-holes

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And since we are almost at the end of today’s post,

I have to announce that unfortunately tonight’s

Self Harmers Anonymous group

has been cancelled due to staff cuts.

william-steig-harry-take-it-from-me-you-re-doing-yourself-more-harm-than-good-new-yorker-cartoon

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An African lady called Betty came into my restaurant

and asked “Is there any chicken on the menu?”

I replied “No black Betty, it’s ham or lamb.”

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