I. O. U. A. Vowel

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If you add a couple of consonants to one of those vowels you get PUN, which is rather convenient because today is pun day.

You know what’s next.

Enjoy or endure!!

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I really love my fanbase…

without it my fan would fall over.

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When people ask me

what my best quality is,

I always tell them my second best

quality is being mysterious.

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Communicating with Native Americans

… it’s easy when you know How.

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I don’t care what people say,

I’m a terrible psychiatrist.

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My friend was in a go kart race and

kept going even after all his wheels fell off.

It was a tireless effort

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I got so excited in French lessons that

sometimes “oui” would come out

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If you want to know how to see without glasses,

I’ve got some good contacts.

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To all you letters that

want to be before

p in the alphabet,

join the q.

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Walk in fridges.

Pretty cool.

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Everybody has an ego,

mine is just bigger and  better.

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Trees can break wind

(and they’re not the only ones!)

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Four thieves were robbing a music

store when the cops turned up.

The first grabbed all the pop CDs and ran off.

The second grabbed the rock CDs and also ran off.

The third grabbed the Jazz and followed suit.

The fourth was forced to take the rap.

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Midgets Understand Everyone.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Just a small pun in the title to introduce you to this week’s selection of word plays, or puns.

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!

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A problem shared

is a problem laughed at.

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A lot of people say I am egocentric

– but enough about them

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I was named after my father.

I don’t really like the name ‘Dad’ though.

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Three out of four people

make up 75% of the population.

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Oh how times have changed.

I used to spend my nights out ogling women.

Now I spend my nights in googling them.

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My friend asked me to

walk down a hill with him.

So I declined.

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I finally went to the doctor this morning

after years of my knees giving way

whenever I’m in a slow moving queue.

It’s a longstanding problem.

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What do you call

a Scottish landowner?

Hectare.

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Don’t tell anyone I told you this,

but people say that I gossip far too much.

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My wife has packed her bags and gone

– just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

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It’s hard being a member

of the innuendo society.

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One of the toddlers on the

Intensive Care Unit is playing

with a toy donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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Does My Ass Look Big In This?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The wife of a friend of mine once asked him, “Does this new dress make my ass look big?” He started off well by replying, “No, of course not, Darling, the dress is lovely.”  And if he’d left it at that he would have scored lots of plus points, but then he added the fateful line, “You’ve just got a big ass!”

 

I may have told you that story before and I may well tell it again, because it’s funny and it’s true. This time it is by way of introduction to today’s post – or rant – on the subject of airline seats. I’ve already given you my two cent’s worth on airfares a few days ago. (Click here if you want to read that.)

Just when you thought they couldn’t get any smaller, or more uncomfortable, airlines are shrinking seat widths yet again to squeeze more passengers in and more money out of them. The latest culprit is Airbus, which unveiled a new 11 seat-per-row reconfiguration for its A380 superjumbo jet.

The Airbus A380 currently seats ten passengers uncomfortably per row in economy in a 3-4-3 configuration, but the new configuration adds yet another seat to the middle section to make it a 3-5-3 – with even less room per passenger and even more discomfort.

 

Airbus are making the excuse that the seats in the new configuration will be the same width as before, which is 18 inches or 46 cms, but then they add the qualifying word “technically” which means whilst what they are saying may be true in theory, in practice you the paying passenger will have less room.

Applying fasab logic to the situation, if you raise an airplane’s seating capacity from 525 seats to 544 seats, and at the same time you don’t make the airplane any bigger, then there is less room for the poor abused passengers. (quod erat demonstrandum or Q.E.D.)

The A380’s main users are Emirates, Singapore Airlines, Lufthansa and Qantas, all of them long-haul carriers meaning you will be squashed up like a sardine for at least eight hours, maybe much, much longer which adds greatly to the discomfort experienced by passengers.

Other long-haul airplanes that are shrinking the width of their seats include the new models of the Boeing 777, many of which are flown by United and American Airlines. They will now come with a squashingly miserable 17 in. seat width.

The seat squashing trend started with the short-haul airlines and they got away with it because of the relatively short journey times. Long-haul is different – much different – and passengers should be less willing to endure many hours of discomfort.

To add a great big insult to this injurious trend, it is all taking place against a backdrop of decreasing fuel costs and rising airfares – in other words more greed than need on behalf of the airline companies who buy these newly configured butt busters.

On the plus side – for passengers – not a single airline placed an order for the world’s two biggest commercial jets, the Boeing 747-8 and the double-decker Airbus A380 during 2014. In fact most of the Boeing 747-8s that have been sold have been mainly the air freighter version. On the negative side, as just mentioned, airplanes like the 777 are also to be made much more uncomfortable too.

With air travel forecast to more than double from today’s 3.3 billion passengers a year to 7.3 billion by 2034 – according to the International Air Transport Association – I fear greatly for the comfort of those of us flying economy.

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Never Judge A Book By It’s Movie.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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That’s good advice in the title by the way.

Now for some good word plays or puns.

As ever….

Enjoy or endure!!

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What do you get if you cross

a mountain and a desert?

Tired feet.

 

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My girlfriend asked me,

“If you could have any super-power,

which one would you have?”

I said, “America.”

 

 

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Education is important but

becoming a model is importanter.

 

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The key to being funny is

to say smart things stupidly…

or was is it stupid things smartly?

Whatever,

it’s not rocket surgery.

 

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I used to see this girl across the road from me

but she closes her curtains now!

 

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I often say to myself,

“I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

 

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My friend and his wife are a fastidious couple.

He is fast and she is hideous.

(Or is it the other way round?)

 

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The instructions on my microwave meal

say ‘stir and recover’

How tiring do they think stirring actually is?

 

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How to fall downstairs.

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 10, 11

 

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And so, with a heavy heart,

I explained to the wife that I’ve

got too much iron in my blood.

 

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Scientists now think that global warming

is the main cause of documentaries and stupid laws

 

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I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West

could have been avoided completely if

cowboy architects had just made their

towns big enough for everyone.

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Understanding what is beyond the horizon is beyond me.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But puns I do understand.

What is a little more puzzling is why I like them and why so many others do as well.

Still, we can figure out that conundrum another time.

For now it’s another Pun Day, so….

Enjoy or endure!

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I bought a cheap Jack-in-a-box

and it’s not much good.

It doesn’t surprise me.

 

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Some guy came up to me in the street today

and said “Wow, you look odd.”

I replied “Well, so do you.”

“Guess that made us even.”

 

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I’ve just come back from the corner shop.

I bought four corners.

 

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So King Abdullah died,

that should sheikh things up a bit.

 

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I’ve got a part time job for a company

making rubberized computer keyboards.

It’s flexible shifts.

 

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Someone stopped me while I was jogging

this morning to ask why I had

duct tape over my mouth.

I didn’t answer.

It’s a running gag.

 

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A friend of mine bought a second hand

deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas,

but after four weeks they hadn’t arrived.

When he asked for an update, they said

they were still dealing with his order.

 

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Did you hear about the fisherman

who was learning Spanish

He got lost at Si

 

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I’m currently reading a book about

North African invaders during

Medieval times and can’t put it down.

Its very moorish.

 

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I looked up the definition of

the word “arbitrary” today.

For no particular reason.

 

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My boss said,

“As part of our cost-saving drive we are

installing energy-efficient lights in the toilets.

They work on a motion detection system.”

I replied,

“That’s all fair and well, but what if

someone’s just going in for a pee?”

 

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A storm has ripped through

my coconut farm…

I’m desiccated.

 

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Whenever I find a pretty girl

I look for intelligence.

Because if she doesn’t have that,

then she’s mine!

 

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I always ask too many questions.

Does anybody know why this is?

 

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I text a friend the other day asking him

who his favorite composer is.

Surprisingly, he didn’t text Bach.

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It’s International Litarasy Day 2day

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Final Pun Day.

For this January that is. I hope I didn’t get your hopes up .  🙂

Here we go.

Enjoy or endure!

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The Inventor of the jug died today.

Tributes have been pouring in.

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I asked my friend if he is a compulsive shouter.

The answer was a resounding yes.

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Caught a bloke in the changing room earlier,

holding my jacket saying he thought it was his!

I think he was trying it on.

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I don’t like my wife going out drinking

with the girls from the nail bar.

They always end up getting hammered.

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This girl, Rene Wals, is obsessed with me.

She keeps sending me emails.

She works at GoDaddy, but I think she’s a moron

— she spells her name “Renewals.”

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The first rule of Palindrome Club is

si bulC emordnilaP fo elur tsrif ehT.

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Is a woman who can’t have a baby,

unbearable, impregnable or inconceivable?

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My girlfriend was complaining

that I never buy her flowers.

I didn’t even know she sold them.

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My wife asked me how much I like

the new GPS she bought for me

I replied, “Well, I’d be lost without it.”

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I think I first realized that my drinking

had got out of control when my doctor

referred me to a Bacardiologist.

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I call my weed “The Quran”

Because burning that shit will get you stoned.

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My wife found out that I’d been moving her

bookmark forward a few pages every night.

She really lost the plot.

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I was checking out this blonde girl,

when the librarian said,

“Sir, we only lend out books in here.”

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Girlfriend: You have to make a choice,

it’s either me or your career as a news reporter.

Me: Well, I’ve got some news for you then.

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A teacher asks her class

“Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood’s girlfriend?”

Little Paddy raises his hand and says

“Yes Miss, it’s Trudy Glen.”

“No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion.”

“But Miss, what about the song?

Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen.”

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= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

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Why Is Luke Always Warm?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I hope you are keeping warm too.

Warm enough to Luke at a few more word plays because it’s Pun Day again.

You know what’s next…

Enjoy or endure!.

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Just been to Greenwich in London.

Had a mean time.

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There’s something I don’t like

about using touch screen technology

I just can’t put my finger on it.

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I’ve just been offered

a free sky diving experience.

I’m not falling for it.

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‘It’s the quiet ones that you’ve got to watch’

Especially at mime shows.

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My new bulimia charity campaign

has been quite successful.

I’ve received a lot of feedback.

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What do you call

an Indian in a cupboard?

A hiding Sikh.

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What is a cocaine addicts

favorite type of joke?

A one liner

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Shotgun wedding:

A case of wife or death.

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A French man walks in to a chiropodists and says

“I’ve got problems with defeat”

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I’ve started dating couches,

but I’ve had no luck sofa.

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It’s hard to say what my sister does,

working for a travel agency.

She sells Seychelles overseas tours.

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I always get back on my bike when I fall off.

I’m a firm believer in recycling.

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My friend, Angus finds it funny

not to pronounce the letter ‘g’.

Bit of an asshole really.

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I had a dream last night that

our local Market had shrunk.

I woke up and thought,

“That’s a little Bazaar.”

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I just came back from a Blur concert.

I didn’t see much.

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I’ve Always Found That The Letter ‘N’ Divides Opinion

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no getting away from it, the letter ‘n’ does divide opinion.

And so too does that little word play device called the Pun.

For those who like them and for those who like to hate them here is another selection.

Enjoy or Endure!

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Getting a job repairing revolving doors

was a real turning point in my life.

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I have a friend who is ambidextrous illiterate…

He can’t write anything with both hands.

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My wife asked me “Would you say that I was likeable?”

I said “No love, bulls are male. You’re like a cow.”

 

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What is Stephen Hawking’s favourite cream?

sQWERTY.

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I’ve never asked a rhetorical question.

How cool is that?

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I once got asked to do a sketch of

an old gameshow host dressed up as a Charlies Angel.

I drew Barrymore.

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There’s a gang going through our town,

systematically shoplifting clothes in size order…

The police believe they’re still at large.

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I know a guy who has one eye bigger than the other.

His name is Iain.

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A recent study proved that I shouldn’t try

to add unnecessary rooms to my house.

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There is a remote tribe

that worships the number Zero.

Is nothing sacred?

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What cheese do you use

to disguise horse meat?

Mascarpone.

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Yesterday, a Lumberjack slipped

and cut into his leg with a chainsaw.

He lost a lot of blood, but although

they managed to stem the flow,

paramedics say he is still not out of the woods yet.

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I’m not afraid of flying.

I am, however, afraid of being 35,000 feet

in the air and suddenly “not” flying.

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I don’t know what the fascination is with strip clubs.

It’s just the same old thong and dance.

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Elton John has got so fat recently, he is having

to have his trousers specially made for him,

He’s had to say goodbye normal jeans…

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I Really Can’t Stand Sitting Down.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I bet you can’t stand sitting down either. It’s not easy.

But what is easy is having a look at some more puns.

So here you are.

Enjoy or endure!

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I just bought a Monopoly set which had no instructions.

What are the chances?

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Sony. Panasonic, Technics, Bang Olufsen, Teac.

They’re just stereotypes.

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A contestant accused me of being an unfair quiz host.

Point taken.

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I was walking down the street.

This guy waved to me, then came up to me and said,

“I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.”

I said, “I am.”

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Bilbo Baggins has died.

I read it in the hobbituary column.

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Two mountaineers reach a huge, deep fissure in a glacier.

“Careful here,” says one of them.

“My mountain guide fell down there last year.”

“I bet you feel bad about that,” says the other.

“Not really, it was pretty old and missing a few pages.”

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My friend just finished watching Kill Bill, volume 1;

He said he couldn’t hear it very well, though.

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I was reading this book on the anatomy of a pig.

It was pretty standard, but I got to the end

and found there to be a twist in the tale.

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I’ve been out of work for a while but have just got

a job at a factory making periscopes.

Things are looking up.

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Our Marriage Guidance Counsellor said my wife and I

needed to talk about the elephant in the room.

I turned to my wife and said

”see, even she thinks you’re fat”

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It took me ages to change all my clocks.

There’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back!

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I’ve decided to have a party in my vegetable garden tonight.

Lettuce turnip the beet.

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I haven’t used my eBook reader for a while.

Maybe it’s time to rekindle our relationship.

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How does the barber cut the moon’s hair?

Eclipse it.

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And speaking of hair, The Beatles’ song,

“Love Me Do” was written by John Lennon

after he’d had a really good haircut.

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Stonehenge Rocks!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yeah, Stonehenge rocks!

So does Pun Day!!

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!!

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Deaf people are lip reading as we speak.

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In school, my teacher asked me if I

had any of my own maths equipment.

“I have a broken abacus,” I replied.

She said, “That doesn’t count.”

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I’m a puppeteer –

I had to pull a lot of strings to get the job.

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My friend happily announced recently that,

after 18 months of hard work and determination,

he had lost over 130 pounds of unhealthy useless fat.

He divorced her.

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Want to pull a Jewish girl?

Just show them some interest.

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A woman walks up to a handsome man

in a nightclub and shouts, “Fat penguin!”

“Pardon?” he says, looking bemused.

“Sorry,” she replies. “I was just trying to

think of something that would break the ice.”

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Being unemployed definitely has its benefits.

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I always get chutney and pickle mixed up.

It makes me chuckle.

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My mate asked if I wanted to

play electric shock monopoly.

I jumped at the chance.

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Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m OK,

but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

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My mum always said, “

Never use two words when one will do.”

Why didn’t she just say,

“Avoid verbosity”?

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I love blondes, but I was gutted to come

home from work to find my girlfriend

had dyed her hair brunette.

It’s just not fair.

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Protesters at the recent G20 conference

were holding up huge signs saying

‘Capitalism Isn’t Working’.

A friend of mine turned to me and said,

“Surely that’s wrong.

Surely ‘Capitalism Is Working’.”

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My English teacher told me that it’s impossible

to take two completely different words out of context

and use them to create a coherent sentence.

Wheel sea.

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Friends of my wife and I, recently bought a farm,

and decided to invite us to a House warming party.

I asked my wife, “What shall we get them for a present?”

“How about this long length of rope with bucket attached?” she replied.

“Yes,” I agreed. “I am sure that will go down well.”

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