I. O. U. A. Vowel

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If you add a couple of consonants to one of those vowels you get PUN, which is rather convenient because today is pun day.

You know what’s next.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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I really love my fanbase…

without it my fan would fall over.

fan with base

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When people ask me

what my best quality is,

I always tell them my second best

quality is being mysterious.

mysterious

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Communicating with Native Americans

… it’s easy when you know How.

Native Americans greeting

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I don’t care what people say,

I’m a terrible psychiatrist.

I don't care cartoon

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My friend was in a go kart race and

kept going even after all his wheels fell off.

It was a tireless effort

go kart race

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I got so excited in French lessons that

sometimes “oui” would come out

cartoon excited

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If you want to know how to see without glasses,

I’ve got some good contacts.

CONTACT-LENS-CASE-570

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To all you letters that

want to be before

p in the alphabet,

join the q.

Q

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Walk in fridges.

Pretty cool.

Walk-In-Fridge

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Everybody has an ego,

mine is just bigger and  better.

ego_by_einstein

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Trees can break wind

(and they’re not the only ones!)

tree windbreak

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Four thieves were robbing a music

store when the cops turned up.

The first grabbed all the pop CDs and ran off.

The second grabbed the rock CDs and also ran off.

The third grabbed the Jazz and followed suit.

The fourth was forced to take the rap.

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Midgets Understand Everyone.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Just a small pun in the title to introduce you to this week’s selection of word plays, or puns.

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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A problem shared

is a problem laughed at.

A problem shared is a problem laughed at

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A lot of people say I am egocentric

– but enough about them

egocentric

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I was named after my father.

I don’t really like the name ‘Dad’ though.

dad

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Three out of four people

make up 75% of the population.

75 percent

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Oh how times have changed.

I used to spend my nights out ogling women.

Now I spend my nights in googling them.

googling

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My friend asked me to

walk down a hill with him.

So I declined.

walk down a hill

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I finally went to the doctor this morning

after years of my knees giving way

whenever I’m in a slow moving queue.

It’s a longstanding problem.

longstanding problem

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What do you call

a Scottish landowner?

Hectare.

Scottish landowner

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Don’t tell anyone I told you this,

but people say that I gossip far too much.

gossip far too much

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My wife has packed her bags and gone

– just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

cannelloni

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It’s hard being a member

of the innuendo society.

the innuendo society mug

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One of the toddlers on the

Intensive Care Unit is playing

with a toy donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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Does My Ass Look Big In This?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The wife of a friend of mine once asked him, “Does this new dress make my ass look big?” He started off well by replying, “No, of course not, Darling, the dress is lovely.”  And if he’d left it at that he would have scored lots of plus points, but then he added the fateful line, “You’ve just got a big ass!”

Big buttocks.

 

I may have told you that story before and I may well tell it again, because it’s funny and it’s true. This time it is by way of introduction to today’s post – or rant – on the subject of airline seats. I’ve already given you my two cent’s worth on airfares a few days ago. (Click here if you want to read that.)

Just when you thought they couldn’t get any smaller, or more uncomfortable, airlines are shrinking seat widths yet again to squeeze more passengers in and more money out of them. The latest culprit is Airbus, which unveiled a new 11 seat-per-row reconfiguration for its A380 superjumbo jet.

The Airbus A380 currently seats ten passengers uncomfortably per row in economy in a 3-4-3 configuration, but the new configuration adds yet another seat to the middle section to make it a 3-5-3 – with even less room per passenger and even more discomfort.

crowded-flight

 

Airbus are making the excuse that the seats in the new configuration will be the same width as before, which is 18 inches or 46 cms, but then they add the qualifying word “technically” which means whilst what they are saying may be true in theory, in practice you the paying passenger will have less room.

Applying fasab logic to the situation, if you raise an airplane’s seating capacity from 525 seats to 544 seats, and at the same time you don’t make the airplane any bigger, then there is less room for the poor abused passengers. (quod erat demonstrandum or Q.E.D.)

The A380’s main users are Emirates, Singapore Airlines, Lufthansa and Qantas, all of them long-haul carriers meaning you will be squashed up like a sardine for at least eight hours, maybe much, much longer which adds greatly to the discomfort experienced by passengers.

Other long-haul airplanes that are shrinking the width of their seats include the new models of the Boeing 777, many of which are flown by United and American Airlines. They will now come with a squashingly miserable 17 in. seat width.

Standing room only on aircraft.

The seat squashing trend started with the short-haul airlines and they got away with it because of the relatively short journey times. Long-haul is different – much different – and passengers should be less willing to endure many hours of discomfort.

To add a great big insult to this injurious trend, it is all taking place against a backdrop of decreasing fuel costs and rising airfares – in other words more greed than need on behalf of the airline companies who buy these newly configured butt busters.

On the plus side – for passengers – not a single airline placed an order for the world’s two biggest commercial jets, the Boeing 747-8 and the double-decker Airbus A380 during 2014. In fact most of the Boeing 747-8s that have been sold have been mainly the air freighter version. On the negative side, as just mentioned, airplanes like the 777 are also to be made much more uncomfortable too.

With air travel forecast to more than double from today’s 3.3 billion passengers a year to 7.3 billion by 2034 – according to the International Air Transport Association – I fear greatly for the comfort of those of us flying economy.

the shape of things to come in air travel

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Never Judge A Book By It’s Movie.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

That’s good advice in the title by the way.

Now for some good word plays or puns.

As ever….

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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What do you get if you cross

a mountain and a desert?

Tired feet.

 Tired feet

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My girlfriend asked me,

“If you could have any super-power,

which one would you have?”

I said, “America.”

 super-power

 

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Education is important but

becoming a model is importanter.

 becoming a model

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The key to being funny is

to say smart things stupidly…

or was is it stupid things smartly?

Whatever,

it’s not rocket surgery.

 rocket surgery

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I used to see this girl across the road from me

but she closes her curtains now!

 closed curtains

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I often say to myself,

“I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

 cloning machine

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My friend and his wife are a fastidious couple.

He is fast and she is hideous.

(Or is it the other way round?)

 fastidious couple

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The instructions on my microwave meal

say ‘stir and recover’

How tiring do they think stirring actually is?

 microwave meal

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How to fall downstairs.

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 10, 11

 fall down stairs cartoon

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And so, with a heavy heart,

I explained to the wife that I’ve

got too much iron in my blood.

 heavy heart

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Scientists now think that global warming

is the main cause of documentaries and stupid laws

 cartoon_climate_science

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I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West

could have been avoided completely if

cowboy architects had just made their

towns big enough for everyone.

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Understanding what is beyond the horizon is beyond me.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But puns I do understand.

What is a little more puzzling is why I like them and why so many others do as well.

Still, we can figure out that conundrum another time.

For now it’s another Pun Day, so….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I bought a cheap Jack-in-a-box

and it’s not much good.

It doesn’t surprise me.

 cheap Jack-in-a-box

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Some guy came up to me in the street today

and said “Wow, you look odd.”

I replied “Well, so do you.”

“Guess that made us even.”

 odd and even

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I’ve just come back from the corner shop.

I bought four corners.

 corner shop

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So King Abdullah died,

that should sheikh things up a bit.

 King Abdullah

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I’ve got a part time job for a company

making rubberized computer keyboards.

It’s flexible shifts.

 rubberized computer keyboards

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Someone stopped me while I was jogging

this morning to ask why I had

duct tape over my mouth.

I didn’t answer.

It’s a running gag.

 duct tape over mouth

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A friend of mine bought a second hand

deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas,

but after four weeks they hadn’t arrived.

When he asked for an update, they said

they were still dealing with his order.

 Las Vegas casino card packs

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Did you hear about the fisherman

who was learning Spanish

He got lost at Si

 fisherman

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I’m currently reading a book about

North African invaders during

Medieval times and can’t put it down.

Its very moorish.

 A Moor

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I looked up the definition of

the word “arbitrary” today.

For no particular reason.

 arbitrary definition

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My boss said,

“As part of our cost-saving drive we are

installing energy-efficient lights in the toilets.

They work on a motion detection system.”

I replied,

“That’s all fair and well, but what if

someone’s just going in for a pee?”

 CalvinPeeGIF

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A storm has ripped through

my coconut farm…

I’m desiccated.

 coconut cracked

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Whenever I find a pretty girl

I look for intelligence.

Because if she doesn’t have that,

then she’s mine!

 cute-cartoon-girl-20910042

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I always ask too many questions.

Does anybody know why this is?

 too many questions

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I text a friend the other day asking him

who his favorite composer is.

Surprisingly, he didn’t text Bach.

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It’s International Litarasy Day 2day

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Final Pun Day.

For this January that is. I hope I didn’t get your hopes up .  🙂

Here we go.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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The Inventor of the jug died today.

Tributes have been pouring in.

jug

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I asked my friend if he is a compulsive shouter.

The answer was a resounding yes.

compulsive-shouter

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Caught a bloke in the changing room earlier,

holding my jacket saying he thought it was his!

I think he was trying it on.

hip-hop-man-holding-jacket-12834831

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I don’t like my wife going out drinking

with the girls from the nail bar.

They always end up getting hammered.

nail bar

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This girl, Rene Wals, is obsessed with me.

She keeps sending me emails.

She works at GoDaddy, but I think she’s a moron

— she spells her name “Renewals.”

GoDaddy-Email-Login

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The first rule of Palindrome Club is

si bulC emordnilaP fo elur tsrif ehT.

Palindrome Club

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Is a woman who can’t have a baby,

unbearable, impregnable or inconceivable?

woman who can't have a baby

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My girlfriend was complaining

that I never buy her flowers.

I didn’t even know she sold them.

woman selling flowers

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My wife asked me how much I like

the new GPS she bought for me

I replied, “Well, I’d be lost without it.”

new GPS

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I think I first realized that my drinking

had got out of control when my doctor

referred me to a Bacardiologist.

Bacardi

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I call my weed “The Quran”

Because burning that shit will get you stoned.

burning weed

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My wife found out that I’d been moving her

bookmark forward a few pages every night.

She really lost the plot.

bookmark in book

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I was checking out this blonde girl,

when the librarian said,

“Sir, we only lend out books in here.”

librarian

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Girlfriend: You have to make a choice,

it’s either me or your career as a news reporter.

Me: Well, I’ve got some news for you then.

news reporter

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A teacher asks her class

“Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood’s girlfriend?”

Little Paddy raises his hand and says

“Yes Miss, it’s Trudy Glen.”

“No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion.”

“But Miss, what about the song?

Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen.”

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= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

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Why Is Luke Always Warm?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I hope you are keeping warm too.

Warm enough to Luke at a few more word plays because it’s Pun Day again.

You know what’s next…

Enjoy or endure!.

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rofl

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Just been to Greenwich in London.

Had a mean time.

London-Greenwich_Mean_Time

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There’s something I don’t like

about using touch screen technology

I just can’t put my finger on it.

touch screen technology

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I’ve just been offered

a free sky diving experience.

I’m not falling for it.

sky diving

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‘It’s the quiet ones that you’ve got to watch’

Especially at mime shows.

mime shows

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My new bulimia charity campaign

has been quite successful.

I’ve received a lot of feedback.

bulimia girl

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What do you call

an Indian in a cupboard?

A hiding Sikh.

sikh park 6

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What is a cocaine addicts

favorite type of joke?

A one liner

one line of coke

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Shotgun wedding:

A case of wife or death.

Shotgun wedding

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A French man walks in to a chiropodists and says

“I’ve got problems with defeat”

feet

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I’ve started dating couches,

but I’ve had no luck sofa.

sofa

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It’s hard to say what my sister does,

working for a travel agency.

She sells Seychelles overseas tours.

working for a travel agency

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I always get back on my bike when I fall off.

I’m a firm believer in recycling.

get back on my bike

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My friend, Angus finds it funny

not to pronounce the letter ‘g’.

Bit of an asshole really.

angus

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I had a dream last night that

our local Market had shrunk.

I woke up and thought,

“That’s a little Bazaar.”

a little Bazaar

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I just came back from a Blur concert.

I didn’t see much.

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