All Generalizations Are False.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

All generalizations are false, except for the one that says people enjoy puns or word plays.

Just to prove the point here is another selection.

Enjoy or endure!!

.

rofl

.

There are only five vowels but

nobody’s ever thought to ask y.

y

.

.

A 600 pound man committed suicide

by jumping into a ravine.

He gorged himself to death.

cartoon fat man

.

.

What do you call a

vicar on a motorbike?

Rev.

vicar on a motorbike

.

.

I lost my job as Donald Duck at

Disneyworld after I put on some weight.

I just didn’t fit the bill.

Donald Duck at Disneyworld

.

.

Mirror inspecting is a job

I can’t really see myself doing.

looking in mirror

.

.

My friend’s wife is really ugly.

So I asked him one day,

“Why do you take her out so much?”

“So I don’t have to kiss her goodbye,” he confessed.

ugly wife cartoon

.

.

An ice rink is a good place

to go to pick up women.

ice rink women falling down

.

.

I wouldn’t say the cruise ship was old

but it was insured against fire, piracy,

and falling off the edge of the world.

old cruise ship

.

.

If I get one more request to do a somersault,

I’m gonna flip.

somersault

.

.

If vegetarians love animals so much,

why do they eat all their food?

vegetarians

.

.

I left my last girlfriend because

she wouldn’t stop counting.

I often wonder what she’s up to now.

cartoon girl counting

.

.

My son is learning to play the guitar

How clef-er.

Wonder if he’ll ever be as good as this kid?

.

.

===============================

.

Facts From Guppies To Genghis Khan. What More Could You Ask?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.    

Another random selection of facts.

Guppies and Genghis Khan are here, but so are lots of others.

Hope you find something you like.

Enjoy.

.

facts 03

.

There are 12 imaginary languages

in the Lord of the Rings

 languages in the Lord of the Rings

.

.

Under medieval law, animals could

be tried and sentenced for crimes,

as if they were people.

There are records of farm animals being

tried for injuring or killing people.

 Medieval animal trials

.

.

Although John Mahoney played Kelsey Grammer’s

father in the great TV series ‘Frasier’,

he is only 15 years older than Kelsey.

 John Mahoney Martin Crane

.

.

The Aztec capital city was called ‘Tenochtitlan’

and it was located in the middle of a lake.

At the time of its discovery by Europeans,

it was bigger than most European cities,

had its own garbage collection and

was said to be very clean.

Today the same place is known as Mexico City

and the lake is mostly drained.

 Tenochtitlan-Ruins

.

.

Disney’s ‘Main Street’ and ‘Tomorrowland’

are set in two very special astronomical years.

Main Street is set in 1910 and

Tomorrowland is set in 1986,

these years coincide with

Haley’s Comet appearance.

 Disney's ‘Main Street’ and ‘Tomorrowland’ map

.

.

Probably one of the world’s most widely

distributed and popular freshwater

aquarium fish species is the ‘guppy’,

sometimes also known as the

‘million fish’ or ‘rainbow fish’.

It was named in honor of

Robert John Lechmere Guppy,

a British naturalist who sent specimens

of the species from Trinidad to the

Natural History Museum in London.

 Guppy

.

.

Some scholars believe that Genghis Khan

was responsible for up to 40 million deaths.

Some of his campaigns involved killing all

members of a society – men, women, and children,

 Genghis Khan army

.

.

Up until the early 1930s,

if you were ‘cool’ you were feeling chilly.

However during the jazz era the word ‘cool’

became slang for fashionable in jazz circles,

tenor saxophonist Lester Young is largely

said to have popularized it.

How cool is that?

 tenor saxophonist Lester Young

.

.

Those who suffer from type 2 diabetes

are often symptom-free,

meaning they don’t even know that they’ve got it.

This type of diabetes is normally picked up

during eye exams as it could be seen as small

haemorrhages from leaking blood vessels

at the back of the eye.

 

eye exam

.

.

Edgar Allen Poe once wrote a book called

“The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym.”

It was about four shipwreck survivors

who were adrift on a raft for several days

before deciding to eat the cabin boy

whose name was Richard Parker.

Not long after, in 1884, a ship called the Mignonette

ended up sinking and leaving only four survivors.

They decided to eat the cabin boy. 

His name was Richard Parker.

 The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym

.

.

If you were a

Flatulence Smell Reduction Underwear Maker

your job would be engineering underwear

that reduces the typically unpleasant post-fart odor.

 Flatulence Smell Reduction Underwear Maker

.

.

According to an interview with George Lucas,

R2-D2 and C-3PO were originally called A-2 and C-3.

R2-D2 was designed by Ralph McQuarrie

and co-developed by John Stears

but actually built by Tony Dyson,

who ran his own studio called

The White Horse Toy Company in the UK.

R2-D2 and C-3PO

.

=================================

.

I Love Grandfather Clocks. Big Time!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

And I love puns as well.

So brace yourselves for another selection of word plays.

Enjoy or endure!!

.

rofl

.

It pains me to say it,

but I have a sore throat

 sore throat

.

.

There was a knock at the door this morning,

so I opened it and there was a basin on the doorstep.

I thought, “I’d better let this sink in.”

 sink

.

.

For the record I bought

a vinyl cleaning machine

 record

.

.

Having just punched a midget selling watches,

I know I’ve hit an all time low.

 watches

.

.

Are there any fat people in Finland?

 fat people in Finland

.

.

Have you ever wondered what the

word for ‘dot’ looks like in braille?

 braille

.

.

My girlfriend broke up with me

because of my obsession with puzzles.

There were a lot of cross words

 crossword

.

.

I can’t undo wrongs.

But I can write them.

 write

.

.

A friend dared me to steal a

flat-bottomed boat from the river.

I thought, “Why not. I’ll take a punt.”

 punt

.

.

Everyone loved the baker.

He had a massive flan base.

 massive flan

.

.

I don’t regard being a toastmaster a job,

it’s more a calling.

 toastmaster

.

.

The ten largest baseball stadiums hold

between 46,000 – 56,000 people.

Just some ballpark figures for you.

 baseball stadium

.

.

My girlfriend asked me what I’d do with my life if I lost her.

I said it would be like breaking a pencil.

She said, “Do you mean it would be pointless?”

I said, “No, I’d just go out and buy another one.”

 breaking a pencil

.

.

I’ve just bought some ghost-shaped laxative tablets.

They scare the crap out of me.

ghost-shaped laxative

.

===============================

.

Sometimes I Forget How Amazing My Memory Is.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Hi everyone. Its 2015 so a Very Happy New Year to one and all.

And to get this new year off to a good start here is a bit of word play for you.

Yes, it’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

Drums with no skins.

You can’t beat them.

Drums with no skins

.

.

Just to clear things up,

I use a brush

brush

.

.

Want to hear a construction joke?

I’m building up to it.

simponsconstruct

.

.

My leg won’t stop mooing.

I think I’ve got a calf injury.

mooing

.

.

I’d find some affordable glasses,

in an eye deal world.

affordable glasses

.

.

I had a fight with some

furniture the other day.

Nobody won though,

it was a drawer.

drawer

.

.

A Spanish magician tells the audience

he will disappear on the count of three.

He says, “Uno, dos…..”

*POOF*

….he disappeared without a tres.

jorge-blass

.

.

I was in good position to win the

International shoelace-tying

championships yesterday ,

But I buckled under the pressure.

shoelace-tying

.

.

I just realized that I haven’t done

the hokey pokey in over 10 years.

I guess when you get older,

you just forget what it’s all about.

hokey pokey

.

.

I hated my job as an escapologist.

I couldn’t get out of it quick enough.

escapologist

.

.

An Irish ‘Star Trek’ fan has been

assassinated by the Mafia.

He was capped in Cork.

Cork, Ireland

.

.

Whenever I see a broken elevator

I stair.

broken elevator

.

.

My family regard my cousin

as a skeleton in the closet.

He’s a gay anorexic.

skeleton in the closet

.

.

I’ve come to the belief that ‘crazy’

is a relative term with my family.

crazy

.

.

Where does a Jamaican composer live?

In D flat.

.

.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

.

 

 

“I Think,” Said The Sweet Potato, “Therefore I Yam.”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
.
Well today I yam the poster of more puns.
Keep your groans handy, you might need ‘em.
Enjoy or endure.
rofl.

.
You can say what you like

about freedom of speech.

freedom_of_speech_in_europe

.
.
I would love to dance at a metric party,

but I have two left 0.305 meters.

Meter-to-Foot-conversion
.
.
Waiters are good at multiplication

because they know their tables.

waiter
.
.
I accidentally grabbed a

live electric cable yesterday.

It really Hertz.

live electric cable
.
.
Capital punishment.

capital PUNISHMENT
.
.
I used to work at a car garage

that had a jet wash.

It was pointless,

there was nowhere for them to land.

airplane washing
.
.
I got a 24 hour clock from

a garage sale for only 10/c.

They’ll be so mad,

it’s lasted far longer.

24 hour clock
.
.
I’m in court accused of the murders of

Dracula and Monte Cristo.

I’m pleading guilty to both Counts.

Dracula and Monte Cristo
.
.
There’s a Muslim in the street carrying a gun.

Police say he’s Ahmed and dangerous.

Ahmed and dangerous
.
.
My ex girlfriend text to say that

she’d made a voodoo doll of me.

I think she’s pulling my leg.

Voodoo-doll
.
.
I used to have a job in the police force,

in which I’d break into secure

computer files to uncover criminal activity.

That was until I was met by one system

that proved I wasn’t up to the job.

I just couldn’t hack it.

hacker

.
.
Driving home, I noticed I had a

police car right up my ass.

Must have a word with my nephew

about leaving his toys lying around.

toy-police-car
.
.
I’d been worrying about my

geography exam for a long time.

When I sat down to take it,

the first question read;

“What is the correct term for any wind that

blows between 4 and 30 miles per hour?”

I don’t know what I was worried about.

It was a breeze.

breeze
.
.
I was so nervous when I met my

future father-in-law that i blurted out,

“Sir, May I have your daughters

hole in handy matrimony?”

met my future father-in-law
.
.
What do you call a bunch of

kleptomaniacs with musical instruments?

A Steal Band.
.


.
============================================
.

Whoever Invented The Selfie Needs To Take A Good Look At Themselves.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

And since it’s pun day again you need to take a good look at this latest batch.

Enjoy or endure!!!

.

rofl

.

What do you call

a German on speaker phone?

Hans Free

cartoon hands free

.

.

‘Sugar’

is the only word in the English language

in which the S, is pronounced ‘sh’.

I’m sure of that.

sh

.

.

My brother has had to

close down his archery business.

In the first 12 months 

he didn’t hit any of his targets .

archery-target

.

.

Ten years in the same job and

not once have I been in the boss’s office.

That’s what got me fired as a cleaner.

cleaner

.

.

Just been mugged and beaten up.

I tried to defend myself with a drawing pin.

Turns out a tac isn’t the best form of defense after all.

tac

.

.

Before we split up, my wife

was obsessed with horoscopes.

I’m sure that’s what Taurus apart.

taurus

.

.

I was on the freeway when a guy driving in the other direction

started flashing his lights, beeping his horn and screaming,

“You’re going the wrong way!”

What an idiot.

He didn’t even know where I was going.

A-Motorist-Driving-the-Wrong-Way

.

.

What has a pee at

the end of a tram?

A tramp.

cartoon tramp

.

.

Breaking News:

Man arrested over missing woman

Imagine if he’d hit her???

breaking news

.

.

Adoption jokes –

There’s never a good time to tell them.

adopted

.

.

I don’t approve of my girlfriend’s one night stand.

Why should she be the only one with

somewhere to put a bedside lamp.

night stand lamp

.

.

I threw three DVDs at exactly the same time

to see which one would hit the wall first.

It was a discrace.

DVDs

.

.

My wife called me into the bathroom

and asked me to wash her back.

I don’t remember her

washing me in the first place.

washing back

.

.

Erectile dysfunction;

just when you thought

it couldn’t get any harder.

checking_for_signs_of_life

.

.

My wife, Lorraine, has just found out that 

I have been cheating on her with Clara next door.

Last night, she packed her things and left.

I can see Clara now, Lorraine has gone.

Take it away Johnny….

.

.

==============================================

.

I’ve Always Found That The Letter ‘N’ Divides Opinion

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

There’s no getting away from it, the letter ‘n’ does divide opinion.

And so too does that little word play device called the Pun.

For those who like them and for those who like to hate them here is another selection.

Enjoy or Endure!

.

rofl

.

Getting a job repairing revolving doors

was a real turning point in my life.

Revolving door overhaul and repair

.

.

I have a friend who is ambidextrous illiterate…

He can’t write anything with both hands.

illiterate

.

.

My wife asked me “Would you say that I was likeable?”

I said “No love, bulls are male. You’re like a cow.”

 

cow

.

.

What is Stephen Hawking’s favourite cream?

sQWERTY.

Stephen Hawking keyboard

.

.

I’ve never asked a rhetorical question.

How cool is that?

RhetoricalQuestionsOnly

.

.

I once got asked to do a sketch of

an old gameshow host dressed up as a Charlies Angel.

I drew Barrymore.

drew Barrymore

.

.

There’s a gang going through our town,

systematically shoplifting clothes in size order…

The police believe they’re still at large.

clothes in size order

.

.

I know a guy who has one eye bigger than the other.

His name is Iain.

forest-whitaker-one eye bigger than the other

.

.

A recent study proved that I shouldn’t try

to add unnecessary rooms to my house.

study-room-design-ideas

.

.

There is a remote tribe

that worships the number Zero.

Is nothing sacred?

number Zero

.

.

What cheese do you use

to disguise horse meat?

Mascarpone.

Mascarpone

.

.

Yesterday, a Lumberjack slipped

and cut into his leg with a chainsaw.

He lost a lot of blood, but although

they managed to stem the flow,

paramedics say he is still not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjacks

.

.

I’m not afraid of flying.

I am, however, afraid of being 35,000 feet

in the air and suddenly “not” flying.

fear-of-flying

.

.

I don’t know what the fascination is with strip clubs.

It’s just the same old thong and dance.

thong and dance

.

.

Elton John has got so fat recently, he is having

to have his trousers specially made for him,

He’s had to say goodbye normal jeans…

.

.

====================================================

.

It’s Hard To Explain How Good I Am At Describing Things!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

But I can still describe today 

–  it’s Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

If you think you dream in color,

is it just a pigment of your imagination?

dreaming in color

.

.

My boss fired me for complaining about the office escalator,

It didn’t go down well.

office escalator

.

.

First guy: “What would you do if your son told you he was gay?”

Second guy: “I’d buy him a straight jacket.”

straight jacket

.

.

Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory.

The manager asks, “Have you worked with chemicals before?”

Paddy replies, “Yes.”

The manager then asks, “Can you tell me what nitrate is?”

Paddy replies, “Yes, it’s time and a half.”

job interview cartoon

.

.

I was on holiday in the Alps

when I saw a sign saying ‘Ski Hire’.

So I went a bit further up the slope.

ski hire

.

.

I’ve just bought a shire horse.

As if my other horse wasn’t shy enough.

shire horse

.

.

I keep having recurring nightmares where

I’m in a hospital surrounded by loads of pregnant women.

Could I be going through a midwife crisis?

cartoon hospital

.

.

I’ve just got a job testing hover boards.

The money’s not great,

but it keeps me off the streets.

hover boards

.

.

Pirate cheerleaders have it easy.

“Give me an R!”…

Pirate cheerleaders

.

.

A guy came up to me the other day and said,

“I’m a 3-5 stringed instrument of the harp family,

popular among nobles in medieval Europe.”

I said, “You’re a lyre!”

 

lyre

.

.

It will be Google’s birthday soon.

They’re planning a search party.

Google’s birthday

.

.

I went for a depression test.

Came back negative.

Oh, NO!

depression test

.

.

I rang SeaWorld the other day,

because I wanted some information.

Before I got through to an employee,

I got a tape telling me

“This call may be recorded for training porpoises.”

training porpoises

.

.

If someone asks you to

spell “Part A” backwards,

don’t do it.

It’s a trap……

a trap

.

.

Steppenwolf was an assumed name.

He was born Toby Wild.

.

.

=================================================

.

Is Your Life Insured?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

It’s an interesting question.

But worry not, I am not going to try to sell you an insurance policy nor even recommend one.

Quite the reverse in fact.

Many people have some kind of life insurance for the financial protection of their families if they should be unfortunate to pass away unexpectedly.

It is usually for enough money to pay off the mortgage with a little left over to provide some kind of income for the wife and kids.

At least that’s how it should be.

dead peasants indursnce

But there is a growing trend for employers to insure their employees. A nice gesture you might think at first. Until you find out that the beneficiary of the insurance would not be the survivors or estate of the insured employee, but the corporate pension plan!

It is unofficially known as “dead peasant” insurance, and hundreds of corporations have already taken out policies worth hundreds of billions of dollars, on thousands of employees, providing companies with a steady stream of income as current and former employees die  –  even decades after they have retired or left the company.

And new “dead peasant”policies worth at least $1 billion are being put in place every year!

Unsurprisingly the greedy money-grabbing banksters are especially fond of the practice. Bank of America’s policies have a cash surrender value of at least $17.6 billion; Wells Fargo’s at least $12.7 billion; and JPMorgan Chase at least $5 billion, according to filings with the Federal Financial Institutions Examination Council.

corporate greed

Of course the tax-men are to blame too – aren’t they always? – because so-called company-owned life insurance offers employers generous tax breaks. For example, company-paid premiums are tax-free, as are any investment returns on the policies and the death benefits eventually received. Although having said that it has to be admitted (grudgingly) that the I.R.S. has taken companies including Winn-Dixie and Camelot Music to court for using such policies as tax avoidance schemes.

Many people faced with a request from an employer to consent to such a policy are too afraid not to comply in case it affects their job or promotion prospects. They shouldn’t be because that would probably be illegal as well as unethical. Class-action lawsuits against several companies with such policies are already underway or have been settled. Several companies, including Walmart, settled the suits, paying millions to low-ranking employees who had been covered.

So if you are uncomfortable with the thought that your company might profit from your death, don’t sign up.

And as for the corporations? I’m as fond of making a few bucks as the next man, but you have to draw a line somewhere and I think corporations should be content with the contribution their employees make to their company profits when they are alive, instead of conniving to profit from their deaths also.

.

==============================================

.

Ignorant? Why, I Don’t Know The Meaning Of The Word!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

They say ignorance is bliss and to a great extent I think that is correct.

I’m not sure you could say puns are bliss, but some of us seem to enjoy them, and for those who do here are some more.

Enjoy or endure.

.

rofl

.

I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.

It’s a Bordeaux collie.

Bordeaux collie

.

.

My friend asked me to get him a job at the opticians.

He knew I had the contacts.

contact lenses

.

.

I’ve just opened a shoe shop.

So far I’ve successfully kept everyone away from it.

empty shoe shop

.

.

I applied for a job in Australia

I think I have the necessary koalafications.

koalafications

.

.

During a spelling test, our teacher told us to write down ‘to capitalize’.

That one was too easy I thought, as I wrote ‘I I’.

spelling test1

.

.

I used to smoke Benson & Hedges, but then I changed brands.

It’s all been Dunhill from there.

Dunhill

.

.

I just bought a Swiss car.

It runs like clockwork,

but I can’t figure out how to get it out of neutral.

clockwork car

.

.

I’ve decided to make money writing dieting books.

I’m told they appeal to a very wide audience.

diets-dieters-diet_books

.

.

I laid flowers for mother at the wrong tombstone.

It was a grave mistake.

wrong tombstone

.

.

An apostrophe is the difference between

a business that should know its shit,

and a business that should know it’s shit.

apostrophe

.

.

A few people are complaining about the new

lightning conductor at the concert hall.

A lot of the orchestra can’t keep up with him.

Conductor

.

.

I fixed my wife up with a new job the other day

– as a human cannonball.

She went ballistic!

human cannonball

.

.

I made a hotel out of little cheesy biscuits.

It’s not exactly the Ritz.

Ritz crackers

.

.

I went to the doctor feeling ill and he said

“Lie down and cover yourself in salt.”

“How will that help?” I asked.

“Don’t know,” he said. “But in a week’s time you’ll be cured”.

curing salt

.

.

Deleted scene from Alien:

“I can’t open the milk!”

“In space, no-one can. Here, use cream.”

alien_1979_tom_skerritt_sigourney_weaver

.

===========================================