It Takes Guts To Go To Weight Watchers.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And it takes guts to publish some of these word play jokes.

So strap yourselves in for another wicked selection.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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My girlfriend keeps telling me that making

clothes based puns is really not funny.

Corset is!

corset

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My teacher asked the class,

“Can anybody name a sport that starts with a ‘T’?”

I said “Yes, golf.”

golf_tee

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My son asked me where the most

dangerous place on earth is.

I’m stuck between Iraq Kandahar place.

Iraq-Kandahar-Afghanistan signpost

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I was speaking to a man from Syria today and he said,

“In my country, bear fighting is the most popular sport.”

“That’s revolting.” I replied.

“No,” he said. “That’s our second most popular.”

Syrian revolutionaries

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Teacher: “In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.”

Sammy : “You can’t fool me, Teacher…

snakes don’t have feet.”

burmese-python

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A woman screamed, “No means no!” at me today.

I left soon after.

It was the shortest Spanish lesson I’d ever had.

Learn to speak Spanish

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I saved loads of cash on the new over-priced iPhone yesterday.

I didn’t buy one.

iphone

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A note left for a pianist from his wife

“Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet.”

pianist

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About to microwave some fruit.

Getting ready for a hot date.

dates

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I got arrested yesterday for stealing hay from a farmer.

I’ve been refused bale.

hay bale

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When my wife told me Scandinavian languages

don’t have the letter ‘R’ I immediately thought…

No way!

Norway sign

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I’ve often wondered why it is called ‘Mooning’

when you’re actually showing ‘Uranus’?

Uranus

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As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.

It gives me the E B G B s

DA-EGBDF

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I heard someone say that nothing rhymes with orange.

No it doesn’t!

annoying orange

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I used to live in a small town in Spain called Macarena.

But I don’t like to make a song and dance about it.

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I Never Contradict Myself, But I Do Sometimes.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, another day to play with words, or on words, or perhaps a bit of both.

Whatever you think is more appropriate, enjoy!

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rofl

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“Welcome to the society of people scared of decimal numbers.”

“I’m glad I managed to round you all up”

decimals

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Two communists in a nudist camp.

One says to other “have you read marx comrade?”

The other replied “Yes I think its the wicker furniture.”

giraffe-cartoon-nudist-camp

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The photocopier in my office broke.

So I called in my secretary, Tracey.

broken photocopier

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It might be me, but I just can’t think

of a better word to describe myself.

dot-me-logo

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Norman Bates, motel, shower, stab, blood,

Alfred Hitchcock, secretary, mother, knife,

Janet Leigh, bank, steal.

That’s just Psychobabble.

Psycho_(1960)

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When I worked at the funfair I used to think

that life was all swings and roundabouts.

fun_fair_by_shadowdraco

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I went crazy after I couldn’t open the new door I’d just fitted.

In hindsight I should have handled it better.

broken door handle

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My teacher asked me to name all the presidents,

which is ridiculous as they already have names.

mt-rushmore-cartoonfrederator-studios

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I had a scary moment when I was taking the packaging off

my expensive new bookcase with a sharp knife.

I damn near slit my shelf.

bookshelves

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My wife couldn’t believe she got sacked for

misplacing the company’s new storefront sign.

She’s lost four words.

lost for words

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Someone just robbed me and stole my watch.

I would have chased them,

but I didn’t have the time.

Black_and_White_Dog_Cartoon_of_a_Dog_Selling_Stolen_Watches_clipart_image

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It’s the final of the Microwave Challenge Contest tonight.

Things will get heated.

microwave

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My English teacher accused me of plagiarizing everything I write.

I didn’t make this up.

teacher pupil plagiarizing

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Hollywood producers are in talks with Dustin Hoffman

to star in a film about a Zulu warrior who dresses as a woman

to try and make it as an actor.

They’re going to call it Tutsi.

tootsie-con-dustin-hoffman

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Workers protested at a bread factory

in France because of their low income.

Their manager comes up and says,

“No pain, no gain.”

pain-de-france

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I used to own a laxatives company.

Business was hard at first and it was eventually liquidated.

laxatives blowout specials

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“Well we’re not getting on your big boat.”

the two Unicorns told Noah.

It was anarchy.

unicorns

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Just bought a really basic pair of shears.

They’re not cutting hedge anyway.

hedge shears

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I did some work experience at a drug rehab centre.

They were very thorough: they left no intern stoned.

drug rehab

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The last wedding I was invited to went off without a hitch.

The groom didn’t turn up.

Cartoon_of_a_Bride_Left_at_the_Alter_clipart_image

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Thirteen!!!!!!!!!!!!!

german Shepherd, puppy, puppies, “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today Part Thirteen of our look at the Classified Ads that turned out a little bit differently than originally planned.

Verification in print that stupidity is alive and well.

Enjoy!

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classad_bowtoxforyourdog.

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classified ad 240

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classad_brashop.

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classified ad 241.

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classad_buttcreamicing

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classified ad 242

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classad_Califorinashirt.

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classified ad 244.

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lassad_callJesusdirectlyfortickets.

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classified ad 243.

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classad_campbellsmicrowavablebowels.

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classified ad 247.

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classad_cardiodickboxing.

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classified ad 248.

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classad_catpeearomainwine.

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Forty-one Facts About Chocolate You Probably Didn’t Know

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Last week we talked about peanuts and peanut butter. Today another delicacy that is a favorite of many. I’m sure some people out there will be allergic to it and of course diabetics have to be careful about their intake of it, but that aside I don’t think there are too many people who don’t like ….

chocolate

In fact when you think about it, it plays a big part in our lives right from early childhood to adulthood.

Christmas, birthdays, St Valentines, anniversaries, any and all occasions are appropriate for the gift of a nice box of chocolates. Any day with a ‘Y’ in it really!

And it is so versatile – think candies, chocolate bars, chocolate cake, chocolate milk, chocolate syrup, chocolate ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, hot chocolate drinks, a nice cup of café mocha even.

But enough of that, I’ve made myself hungry and thirsty. Here are the forty-one facts about chocolate that you probably didn’t know.

Enjoy.

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American and Russian space flights have always included chocolate.

 

One ounce of chocolate has about 20 mg of caffeine in it. A one ounce milk chocolate bar has 6 mg of caffeine.

 

In Belgium, 172,000 tons of chocolate are produced in a year

Belgian chocolates
Belgian chocolates

 

 

In 1657, the first chocolate house was opened in London, England. The cost of chocolate was about 13 shillings per pound and was a drink that only the elite enjoyed

 

Americans collectively eat one hundred pounds of chocolate every second

 

Adolf Hitler loved chocolate cake

Chocolate Cake

 

There are some types of chocolates that are actually good for the arteries and heart. Eating chocolate three times a month helps people live longer as opposed to people who overeat chocolate or do not eat chocolate at all

Chocolate maker Cadbury (now part of the Kraft organization) uses more than sixty thousand tonnes of cocoa each year, in the United Kingdom alone

Cadbury chocolate

 

Approximately 71% of American chocolate eaters prefer to eat milk chocolate

 

The Snickers chocolate bar was invented in 1930

Snickers

 

The country with the highest consumption of chocolate per capita is Switzerland, with 22 pounds per person, per year

 

The chocolate chip cookie was invented in 1933

Chocolate chip cookie

 

A single chocolate chip gives enough energy to a human being to walk 150 feet

 

The rarest chocolate bar in the world is the Porcelana bar. There are only 20,000 of these bars produced a year, and they sell for $90 per pound

Porcelana bar

 

Over $7 billion a year is spent on chocolates by consumers

 

Kit Kat chocolate bar was introduced to the market in 1935. It is said to have been the most popular chocolate bar in the United Kingdom for the last 15 years.

 

The amount of Kit Kat chocolate bars that are made at the York factory every 15 minutes are enough to outstack the Eiffel Tower

KitKat

 

Milk chocolate was invented in Switzerland by David Peter in 1876

 

The triangular shape that Toblerone chocolates are packaged in, is protected by law

Toblerone

 

Consuming chocolate was once considered a sin during the 16th and 17th century. During that time it was provided in the form of a drink and since drinking wine during lent was a sin, so was drinking chocolate

 

The best selling chocolate syrup in the world is Hershey

Hershey's chocolate syrup

 

Chocolate was used as medicine during the 18th century. It was believed that chocolate could cure a stomach ache

During the Easter season, 600 million Marshmallow Peeps are bought my Americans. The Marshmallow Peep is the most popular Easter candy besides chocolate

Marshmallow Peeps

 

40 percent of the almonds in the world are used by manufacturers of chocolate

 

For people that are lactose intolerant, chocolate aids in helping milk digest easier

 

The popular chocolate bar “Three Musketeers” got its name because when it was first introduced in 1932 there were three individual bars. The flavours were strawberry, chocolate, and vanilla

3 musketeers bar.jpg

 

In the movie Psycho by Alfred Hitchcock, chocolate syrup was used for blood in the shower scene

 

In China, people eat a bar of chocolate for every 1,000 chocolate bars eaten by the British

 

In Spain, it is common to pour chocolate milk or cafe au lait on cereal for breakfast

 

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

microwave

 

Chocolate can kill dogs; it directly affects their heart and nervous system.

 

Parrots cannot eat chocolate because it is poisonous to their body

dead parrot 

The average chocolate bar has 8 insects’ legs in it.

 

The most popular gift that teachers receive in the United States from their students is chocolate

 

In October 1973, Swedish sweet maker Roland Ohisson of Falkenberg was buried in a coffin made of nothing but chocolate

chocolate casket

 

In the United States, approximately seven billion pounds of chocolate and candy are manufactured each year

 

During World War II, Kit Kat was unavailable due to milk shortages, so the chocolate bar was made without milk

 

Singer Chaka Khan came out with a line of chocolates called “Chakalates.”

chakalates

 

Chocolate accounts for less than two percent of the fat in the American diet

 

Contrary to popular beliefs, chocolate does not cause acne

 

Sex is biochemically no different from eating large quantities of chocolate.

 Chocolate-lust

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