Plant Puns: Weed ‘Em And Reap!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Not really a day of plant puns, but it is Pun Day, so you might want to weep anyway.

You know the drill (little gardening pun there).

Enjoy or endure!

.

.

Teacher: If you were a great composer,

where would you live?

Boy: In A Flat.

.

.

I missed today’s Hairdressing Championships,

can anyone tell me if there were any highlights?

.

.

The World Health Organization has

just announced its new slogan.

“WHO cares”.

.

.

My teacher said I was average,

I told him that’s just mean.

.

.

I used to be a gold prospector,

but it didn’t pan out.

.

.

I’ve written my own political manifesto

but I haven’t used one single upper-case letter.

I’m not a capitalist.

.

.

Men with gender issues have it tough in the UK,

I’m sure they’d love to be a broad.

.

.

I wrote some new hymns for the congregation

to sing at my local church and the

Vicar says everybody loves them.

They can’t stop singing my praises.

.

.

I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub.

He seemed like a decent feller.

.

.

If you want to be a coroner be

prepared for a stiff examination.

.

.

My friend is a real Don Juan with the ladies.

The ladies Don Juan anything to do with him.

.

.

When I was in the army I reckoned all

officers higher up that Colonels are assholes.

But I hate when people Generalize.

.

.

I’ve never seen a flamenco dancer,

but those Spaniards must be clever

to train a bird of that size.

.

.

My wife is trying to wind me up

with jibes about my impotence.

I’m not rising to that.

.

.

I didn’t want to go to the

“I Love The 80s” fancy dress party,

but my friend was adamant.

.

.

================================

.

Using Words Incorrectly Is Addicting.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Using words incorrectly may be addicting, but so are puns.

Here is this week’s word play selection.

Enjoy or endure!

.

.

The skin on all the oranges in our

kitchen cupboard has been scraped off.

I think somebody has been taking the pith.

.

.

My friend composes ditties about sewing machines.

She’s a Singer songwriter.

.

.

They say male lions will often turn to

cannibalism when they’re desperate for food.

They just have to swallow their pride.

.

.

I went to the optician and he said I was short sighted.

I said, “Nonsense – I’m very open minded.”

.

.

I said to my friend,

“It’s important that no-one mentions any film production companies.”

“How important is it?” he asked.

“Paramount,” I replied.

.

.

My friend’s father has been living in Iraq’s

capital for the last year with an awful woman.

He’s just told him,

“you’ve got to leave that old bag dad.”

.

.

It’s amazing how a piece of technology

as simple as a tablet can revolutionize your life.

Those viagra are amazing.

.

.

I have an intelligent Taser.

Whenever I use it on someone it explains to

them in no uncertain terms why I’m doing it.

I call it my frank zapper.

.

.

How do they search online in Israel?

They just go on the Netanyahu.

.

.

My next door neighbor recently won the lottery.

She always had gender issues and

felt she was a man trapped in a woman’s body,

so the first thing she did was have a sex change.

Who said money can’t buy a penis?

.

.

“I love having red hair – the ladies really dig it,”

said Tom, gingerly.

.

.

When they bought a water bed,

the couple started to drift apart.

.

.

The world’s largest DIY store chain

is to run their own schools,

the curriculum will be normal but

the day will start with self-assembly.

.

.

My son is being forced to smoke by our French exchange student.

Pierre Pressure.

.

.

Documentary on the Pointer Sisters tonight.

I’m so excited.

.

.

============================================

 .