Ignorant? Why, I Don’t Know The Meaning Of The Word!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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They say ignorance is bliss and to a great extent I think that is correct.

I’m not sure you could say puns are bliss, but some of us seem to enjoy them, and for those who do here are some more.

Enjoy or endure.

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I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.

It’s a Bordeaux collie.

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My friend asked me to get him a job at the opticians.

He knew I had the contacts.

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I’ve just opened a shoe shop.

So far I’ve successfully kept everyone away from it.

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I applied for a job in Australia

I think I have the necessary koalafications.

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During a spelling test, our teacher told us to write down ‘to capitalize’.

That one was too easy I thought, as I wrote ‘I I’.

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I used to smoke Benson & Hedges, but then I changed brands.

It’s all been Dunhill from there.

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I just bought a Swiss car.

It runs like clockwork,

but I can’t figure out how to get it out of neutral.

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I’ve decided to make money writing dieting books.

I’m told they appeal to a very wide audience.

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I laid flowers for mother at the wrong tombstone.

It was a grave mistake.

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An apostrophe is the difference between

a business that should know its shit,

and a business that should know it’s shit.

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A few people are complaining about the new

lightning conductor at the concert hall.

A lot of the orchestra can’t keep up with him.

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I fixed my wife up with a new job the other day

– as a human cannonball.

She went ballistic!

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I made a hotel out of little cheesy biscuits.

It’s not exactly the Ritz.

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I went to the doctor feeling ill and he said

“Lie down and cover yourself in salt.”

“How will that help?” I asked.

“Don’t know,” he said. “But in a week’s time you’ll be cured”.

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Deleted scene from Alien:

“I can’t open the milk!”

“In space, no-one can. Here, use cream.”

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Did You Know? Here Are The Facts – Let’s Face It Folks, Your Whole Childhood Was A Lie!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes indeed, here are the facts. Another random selection for your enjoyment.

I hope you find them interesting, maybe even educational.  

And, of course, you’ll find out a little later why your whole childhood was a lie.

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The chances of making two holes-in-one in a round of golf

are one in sixty-seven million, 1:67,000,000.

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Another word for hiccups is ‘singultus’.

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Airports that are at higher altitudes require

a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

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The only poisonous birds in the world are the three species of Pitohui.

The Hooded Pitohui from Papua New Guinea is the most deadly out of the three

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In 1955, only 330 Volkswagen Beetle’s were sold

at a price of $1800 each in the United States.

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The Chihuahua was named after

the Mexican state where they were discovered

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There are more than 640 muscles in the human body

(and as you get older they all start to hurt!)

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The odds of having quadruplets are 1 in 729,000

(for men the odds are much higher!)

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The destruction of the Berlin Wall began when private citizens

started to demolish entire sections of the Wall without interference

from government officials on November 9, 1989

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France is known as the perfume capital of the world

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Since its introduction in February 1935,

more than two hundred million Monopoly board games

have been sold worldwide

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It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL

with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.

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When former Texas Governor James Hogg was on his deathbed

he made a special request that a pecan tree

be planted at the head of his grave instead of a tombstone.

The governor passed away on March 2, 1906,

which is Texas Independence Day.

The pecan tree is now the state tree of Texas

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In 1477, the first diamond engagement ring was given to

Mary of Burgundy by Archduke Maximillian of Austria

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The smallest frog is the “Brazilian baby frog”,

which is smaller than a dime

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India used to be the richest country in the world

until the British invasion in the early 17th Century

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Marie Curie, the Nobel prize winning scientist who discovered radium,

died of radiation poisoning

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The iron disulfide (Pyrite) is considered “fool’s gold”

because it looks very similar to gold.

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In 1759, St. James’s Gate Brewery (where they brew Guinness)

was leased for to Arthur Guinness for 9,000 years for 45 pounds per year.

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A Roadrunner’s top speed is 20 mph

while coyotes can reach speeds of up to 43 mph

– so let’s face it folks, your whole childhood was a lie!

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In the dark ages before the inter web and things like Ebay and CraigsList  newspaper classified ads used to be the way to try to raise a bit of extra cash by selling off things you didn’t need, or to advertise for things you wanted. They still exist although not nearly so popular as they used to be.

As with Ebay etc., you can find almost everything advertised in them, even the oddest things that either give you a ‘WTF’ moment or just make you laugh – sometimes both.  

Here is a short selection for your enjoyment.

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wwwwwwwww. 

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