People Who Have Bluetooth Handsets Need A Clip Round The Ear.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I’m tempted to say that you need a clip round the ear if you don’t like puns, but I know you do.

Why else would you be here?

Unless it’s for pun-ishment.

Enjoy or endure!!

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Why are photographers always so depressed?

Because they always focus on the negatives.

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I bought a flea circus yesterday,

but one of them won’t go on the high wire.

It’s a nervous tick.

 flea circus

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I played in a football match

that ended in a 2-2 draw.

No 1-1

 football match

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I don’t mind doing crosswords,

but dot to dot puzzles are where I draw the line.

 crosswords

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What do you call it when a prisoner

falls from the top of a building?

Condescending.

 prisoner

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I invented the upside down house.

It’s now a top cellar.

 upside down house

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To neigh or not to neigh.

That is equestrian.

 equestrian

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Support your local

search and rescue squad.

Get lost

 search and rescue

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Why did the Mafia boss cross the road?

Revenge!

The road had crossed him the week before.

 Mafia boss

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My uncle slipped on some beans last week.

If only he had the benefit of Heinz sight.

 baked beans

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I took my dog to a car showroom today.

I turned to him and said,

“They have an interesting Range Rover.”

 Range Rover car showroom

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If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end,

someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them,

five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

queue of cars

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Happy Thanksgiving 2014.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today is the fourth Thursday of November and also the last Thursday in November so whether you think Lincoln was right or Roosevelt was right, it still Thanksgiving Day in the USA.

To everyone who participates, enjoy the family holiday, eat too much and drink too much.

Last year I did what turned out to be a very popular post called “I Had To Post A Few Turkey Puns Today, Of Course They Are Fowl” ( Click here if you would like to read it.) And this year I’ve done it again.

So here are some more really bad jokes.

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

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Thanksgiving,

the time of year when turkeys

fatten Americans up for Christmas!

funny-happy-thanksgiving-turkey-poster

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Why didn’t the Pilgrim want to make the stuffing?

Because it’s such a crummy job!

turkey-thanksgiving-jokes

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What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

funny-turkey

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What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

Plymouth Rock, of course!

Plymouth Rock

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What would you get if you crossed

a turkey with a baked fruit dessert?

A peach gobbler!

funny turkey photo

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What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

The turkey trot

turkey trot

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What does a Turkey drink wine in?

In a gobble-let

Turkey drink wine

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What did baby corn say to mama corn?

Where’s popcorn?

turkey eating popcorn cartoon

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Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?

To try to hatchet!

tomahawk

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Teacher: “What did the Indians bring

to the first Thanksgiving?”

Student: “Baseballs.”

Teacher: “Baseballs?”

Student: “Yeah,

they were Cleveland Indians!”

Logo_Cleveland Indians

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Who is the turkey’s favorite movie star?

Gregory Peck.

thanksgiving_bush

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If you divide the circumference

of a pumpkin by its diameter

Do you end up with

Pumpkin pi?

pumpkin pie pi

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Can a turkey jump higher than

the Empire State Building?

Yes of course it can

– a building can’t jump at all.

unfriends-me-on-facebook

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Why did the pilgrim’s pants keep falling down?

Because his buckle was on his hat!

pilgrim

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And finally,

instead of talking turkey,

let’s hear someone sing turkey instead.

Take it away Dickie Stickhead

(Phew, you have to be careful how you say that name!)

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Hats Off, It’s The Quiz!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I suppose I should have said Panama hats off because that’s one of today’s questions.

You will also need to have a sprinkling of knowledge about marbles, wars, cooking and even fairytales to stack up the points today.

But if you get stuck, as always, you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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quiz 2

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Q.  1:  An easy one to start with,  where did Panama hats originate?

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Q.  2:  What are toy marbles made from?

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Q.  3:  How long did the ‘100 Years War’ last?

            a)  106 years          b)  116 years          c)  126 years

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Q.  4:  what is the only mobile National Monument in the USA?

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Q.  5:  Here’s one for all you beer drinkers, in what month is the world famous ‘Munich Oktoberfest’ beer festival held?

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Q.  6:  It contains beef or pork, but what is the main ingredient of the thick and spicy soup known as ‘Borscht’ that originated in Ukraine but is also popular in many Eastern and Central European countries.

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Q.  7:  What type of building is a ‘picture palace’?

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Q.  8:  From which part of its body does a cow, and presumably also a bull, sweat?

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Q.  9:  How many sides has a ‘Prism’?

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Q. 10:  What type of creature is a ‘horned toad’?

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Q. 11:  Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

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Q. 12:  What sort of fruit is a ‘Chinese gooseberry’?

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Q. 13:  In the original French medieval version of the story of ‘Cinderella’ (which gave us the modern Western version) what were Cinderella’s slippers made from?

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Q. 14:  In sunscreen lotions, what does the abbreviation ‘SPF’ stand for?

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Q. 15:  What do bullet proof vests, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

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Q. 16:  What is the most prevalent infectious disease in the UK?

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Q. 17:  A ‘mahout’ is a person who works with and rides what?

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Q. 18:  How many times was Richard Burton nominated for an Oscar and how many times did he win? (A point for each correct answer.)

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Q. 19:  Which breed of cats, rabbits, and goats have the same name?

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Q. 20:  Finally, a guy is condemned to death and has three rooms to choose from and he must choose one of them. Room #1 contains a fiery inferno; room #2 contains 50 Assassins with loaded guns; and room #3 contains hungry lions that haven’t eaten in three months. Which room should he choose?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  An easy one to start with, where did Panama hats originate?

A.  1:  Okay, maybe not so easy, they originated in Ecuador.

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Q.  2:  What are toy marbles made from?

A.  2:  Although called ‘marbles’ they are made from ‘glass’.

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Q.  3:  How long did the ‘100 Years War’ last?

            a)  106 years          b)  116 years          c)  126 years

A.  3:  The correct answer is b) 116 years.

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Q.  4:  what is the only mobile National Monument in the USA?

A.  4:  San Francisco cable cars.

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Q.  5:  Here’s one for all you beer drinkers, in what month is the world famous ‘Munich Oktoberfest’ beer festival held?

A.  5:  In September.

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Q.  6:  It contains beef or pork, but what is the main ingredient of the thick and spicy soup known as ‘Borscht’ that originated in Ukraine but is also popular in many Eastern and Central European countries.

A.  6:  The main ingredient of ‘Borscht’ is beetroot.

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Q.  7:  What type of building is a ‘picture palace’?

A.  7:  It would be understandable if you said art gallery, but in fact a ‘picture palace’ was the name given to a cinema or theater for showing movies.

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Q.  8:  From which part of its body does a cow, and presumably also a bull, sweat?

A.  8:  Its nose.

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Q.  9:  How many sides has a ‘Prism’?

A.  9:  Five.

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Q. 10:  What type of creature is a ‘horned toad’?

A. 10:  A ‘horned toad’ is a lizard.

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Q. 11:  Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. 11:  Their birthplace.

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Q. 12:  What sort of fruit is a ‘Chinese gooseberry’?

A. 12:  It is a Kiwifruit.  It originated in China but renamed kiwifruit by growers/exporters in New Zealand.

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Q. 13:  In the original French medieval version of the story of ‘Cinderella’ (which gave us the modern Western version) what were Cinderella’s slippers made from?

A. 13:  They were made from squirrel fur which when you think about it is a lot more sensible than glass. The reason we ended up with a glass slipper is because the French word for squirrel fur is ‘vair’, which was misunderstood by Charles Perrault, writer of the modern version, to be verre, which means glass. You got it wrong Charlie and I guess so did most people who answered this question!

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Q. 14:  In sunscreen lotions, what does the abbreviation ‘SPF’ stand for?

A. 14:  ‘SPF’ stands for Sun Protection Factor.

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Q. 15:  What do bullet proof vests, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

A. 15:  They were all invented by women.

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Q. 16:  What is the most prevalent infectious disease in the UK?

A. 16:  The Common Cold.

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Q. 17:  A ‘mahout’ is a person who works with and rides what?

A. 17:  Elephants.

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Q. 18:  How many times was Richard Burton nominated for an Oscar and how many times did he win? (A point for each correct answer.)

A. 18:  Richard Burton was nominated seven times for an Oscar and surprisingly never won any. The correct answers are 7 and 0.

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Q. 19:  Which breed of cats, rabbits, and goats have the same name?

A. 19:  Angora.

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Q. 20:  Finally, a guy is condemned to death and has three rooms to choose from and he must choose one of them. Room #1 contains a fiery inferno; room #2 contains 50 Assassins with loaded guns; and room #3 contains hungry lions that haven’t eaten in three months. Which room should he choose?

A. 20:  He should choose room #3 because the lions would be dead if they hadn’t eaten in three months.

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It’s The Quiz Of The Week!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to another week and to another quiz.

The usual random selection of subjects and difficulties.

And if you get stuck you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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quiz 10

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Q.  1:  What does ‘VSOP’ stand for on a bottle of Brandy?

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Q.  2:  What country has not fought in a war since 1815?

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Q.  3:  What ethnic group was largely responsible for building most of the early railways in the U.S. West?

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Q.  4:  What animal is the symbol of the World Wildlife Fund?

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Q.  5:  Which is the only country in the world which has the Bible on its national flag?

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Q.  6:  What is the total if you add the number of months with thirty-one days to the number of months that have twenty-eight days?

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Q.  7:  What does the term ‘Prima Donna’ mean in Opera?

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Q.  8:  What is a ‘Portuguese Man o’ War’?

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Q.  9:  What color is orange blossom?

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Q. 10:  People who are ‘color blind’ cab detect some colors but have difficulty distinguishing between two in particular, what are they?

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Q. 11:  What is the three dimensional image created by laser beams called?

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Q. 12:  Who was the first U.S. President to adopt the informal version of his first name?

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Q. 13:  Organic chemistry is the study of materials that must contain which element?

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Q. 14:  What famous and influential Theologian claimed he could drive away the devil with a fart?

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Q. 15:  What is the liquid inside a coconut called?

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Q. 16:  In which month is the ‘October Revolution’ celebrated in Russia?

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Q. 17:  What are the next three prime numbers after 37?

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Q. 18:  This one is the name of a flower and the colored part of the eye, what is it?

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Q. 19:  What bird features in the poem, ‘The Rime of the Ancient Mariner’ by the English poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge?

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Q. 20:  Named after the characters in the Tin Tin cartoon series, how many people were in the band The Thompson Twins?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What does ‘VSOP’ stand for on a bottle of Brandy?

A.  1:  Very Superior Old Pale.

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Q.  2:  What country has not fought in a war since 1815?

A.  2:  Switzerland.

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Q.  3:  What ethnic group was largely responsible for building most of the early railways in the U.S. West?

A.  3:  The Chinese.

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Q.  4:  What animal is the symbol of the World Wildlife Fund?

A.  4:  Giant Panda.

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Q.  5:  Which is the only country in the world which has the Bible on its national flag?

A.  5:  Dominican Republic.

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Q.  6:  What is the total if you add the number of months with thirty-one days to the number of months that have twenty-eight days?

A.  6:  The answer is 19.  Seven months have 31 days (January, March, May, July, August, October and December) and of course all twelve months have 28 days!

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Q.  7:  What does the term ‘Prima Donna’ mean in Opera?

A.  7:  Leading Female Opera Singer.

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Q.  8:  What is a ‘Portuguese Man o’ War’?

A.  8:  It is a sea-dwelling jellyfish-like invertebrate. Strangely though, the Portuguese never had a warship called a Man o’ War, and the Portuguese name for the jellyfish-like creature is Caravela Portuguesa, referring to an earlier Portuguese sailing ship design used for exploration in the 15-16th Centuries.

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Q.  9:  What color is orange blossom?

A.  9:  White.

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Q. 10:  People who are ‘color blind’ cab detect some colors but have difficulty distinguishing between two in particular, what are they?

A. 10:  They are the primary colors Red & Green.

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Q. 11:  What is the three dimensional image created by laser beams called?

A. 11:  A Hologram.

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Q. 12:  Who was the first U.S. President to adopt the informal version of his first name?

A. 12:  Jimmy Carter.

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Q. 13:  Organic chemistry is the study of materials that must contain which element?

A. 13:  Carbon.

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Q. 14:  What famous and influential Theologian claimed he could drive away the devil with a fart?

A. 14:  Martin Luther.

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Q. 15:  What is the liquid inside a coconut called?

A. 15:  It is called Coconut water.  (Coconut milk, popularly thought to be the liquid inside a coconut, is made from the flesh of the coconut.)

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Q. 16:  In which month is the ‘October Revolution’ celebrated in Russia?

A. 16:  November. (Come on, it was never going to be that obvious!)

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Q. 17:  What are the next three prime numbers after 37?

A. 17:  They are all in the forties  41,  43  and  47.

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Q. 18:  This one is the name of a flower and the colored part of the eye, what is it?

A. 18:  Iris.

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Q. 19:  What bird features in the poem, ‘The Rime of the Ancient Mariner’ by the English poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge?

A. 19:  An Albatross.

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Q. 20:  Named after the characters in the Tin Tin cartoon series, how many people were in the band The Thompson Twins?

A. 20:  Three. Here they are….

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What Would Mondays Be Without Another Quiz?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What would Mondays be without another quiz to get the intellect moving.

They’re random, they’re easy except for the difficult ones, and one or two are a bit tricky.

Try them out and see how you do.

The answers are waaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy.

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quiz7

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Q  1:  Which city in the world has the most hotel rooms?

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Q  2:  What is a baby kangaroo called?

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Q  3:  The wheelbarrow was invented by whom?

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Q  4:  Who was the first player to win $1 million on the PGA Tour?

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Q  5:  Who is known as Rashin Coatie in Scotland, Zezolla in Italy, and Yeh-hsien in China?

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Q  6:  What is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt.”

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Q  7:  What world’s best-selling book, is also the world’s most shoplifted book?

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Q  8:  How are Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine related?

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Q  9:  What is the only country with a square flag?

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Q 10:  What is the only US state that has borders with only one other US state.

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Q 11:  The largest taxi fleet in the world is found in which city?

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Q 12:  What is the largest landlocked country in the world?

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Q 13:  Dogs, monkeys and humans have been sent into space, but never birds. Why?

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Q 14:  What question can you never answer “yes” to without lying?

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Q 15:  How many birthdays does the average man have?

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Q 16:  What turns everything around without moving?     

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Q 17:  What type of building has the most stories?        

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Q 18:  Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest what?

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Q 19:  In which American city are there famously fewer people than there are automobiles.

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Q 20:  What movie character is also known as “Mr. Kiss-Kiss-Bang-Bang”?

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ANSWERS

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Q  1:  Which city in the world has the most hotel rooms?

A  1:  Las Vegas

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Q  2:  What is a baby kangaroo called?

A  2:  A joey

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Q  3:  The wheelbarrow was invented by whom?

A  3:  The Chinese.

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Q  4:  Who was the first player to win $1 million on the PGA Tour?

A  4:  Arnold Palmer

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Q  5:  Who is known as Rashin Coatie in Scotland, Zezolla in Italy, and Yeh-hsien in China?

A  5:  Cinderella

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Q  6:  What is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt.”

A  6:  “Dreamt”

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Q  7:  What world’s best-selling book, is also the world’s most shoplifted book?

A  7:  The Bible

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Q  8:  How are Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine related?

A  8:  They are brother and sister.

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Q  9:  What is the only country with a square flag?

A  9:  Switzerland

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Q 10:  What is the only US state that has borders with only one other US state.

A 10:  Maine

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Q 11:  The largest taxi fleet in the world is found in which city?

A 11:  Mexico City. The city boasts a fleet of over 60,000 taxis.

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Q 12:  What is the largest landlocked country in the world?

A 12:  Mongolia

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Q 13:  Dogs, monkeys and humans have been sent into space, but never birds. Why?

A 13:  Because they would soon die; birds need gravity to swallow.

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Q 14:  What question can you never answer “yes” to without lying?

A 14:   “Are you asleep?”

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Q 15:  How many birthdays does the average man have?

A 15:  One. Every year you celebrate that day in which you were born – but it is not your ‘birth day’.

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Q 16:  What turns everything around without moving?     

A  16:  A Mirror

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Q 17:  What type of building has the most stories?        

A 17:  Library

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Q 18:  Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest what?

A 18:  Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.

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Q 19:  In which American city are there famously fewer people than there are automobiles.

A 19:  Los Angeles or L.A.

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Q 20:  What movie character is also known as “Mr. Kiss-Kiss-Bang-Bang”?

A 20:  James Bond

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Pun Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yet another selection of those jokes you love to hate.

I wouldn’t guarantee the politically correctness of some of them, but enjoy them if you can!

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How do Welsh people cross the road?

Caerphilly!

Caerphilly

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Are dwarfs the lowest form of human life?

cartoon dwarf

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What are the rules of gay poker?

Queens are wild and straights don’t count.

cards_bicycle_poker_decK

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I had a mate who was suicidal.

He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

cartoon_train

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A little old lady takes her dead cats to a taxidermist to be stuffed.

“Would you like them mounted?” asked the taxidermist.

“Oooo no….” says the lady, “just snuggled up next to each other.”

stuffed cats

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A woman in the pharmacy sees a deal offering 5 boxes of tampons for a dollar.

She can’t believe how good the deal is and asks the manager, “Is that price correct?”

“Sure is,” says the manager, “It’s a special offer, 5 boxes for a dollar and there are no strings attached!”

tampon choc

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Did you hear about the gay carpenter?

He always left a saw behind!

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A psychotic rapist escaped recently from a mental institution for the criminally insane. He ran across the street to the laundromat hoping to find a change of clothes. Inside, he discovered two women, and forced them to have sex. Then he fled out the back door.

The next day the local newspaper headline read, “NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS!”

cartoon crazy dude

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Irish bloke walks into a pub and says, “Drink of orange please landlord.”

The landlord asks, “Still orange?”

Irish fella replies, “Yes, I haven’t changed my mind.”

irishman bar

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Two blondes walk into a building…

Wow, you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

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What do you call a bloke with a one inch penis?

Justin.

small-penis

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After announcing he’s getting married, a Scotsman tells his pal he’ll be wearing a kilt.

‘And what’s the tartan?’ asks the mate.

‘Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress.’ he replies.

cartoon-scotsman-with-a-kilt

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Two parrots on a perch.

One turns to the other and says, “Can you smell fish?”

two-parrots

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What qualifications do you need to be a road sweeper?

None.

You just pick it up as you go along!

road_sweeper

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Good King Wenseslas called his local pizza parlour.

“Would you like your usual, sir?”

“Oh yes,” he replied. “Deep pan: crisp and even.”

good-king-wenceslas-omar-rayyan

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A customer is ordering food in an Indian restaurant.

“Waiter, what’s this Chicken Tarka?”

The waiter replies, “it’s the same as Chicken Tikka, but it’s a little ‘Otter.”

cartoon-otter

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