A Simile Is Like A Metaphor – Literally!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I was going to introduce today’s post by saying some like “I hope you are having a pun-tastic week”, but I thought I would sound like a demented DJ from the 1970s.

So I’ll just say hello and welcome and let you get on with the puns.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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Lite:

the new way to spell “Light,”

now with 20% fewer letters!

Lite

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I was asked to man the phones

at work the other day.

So I went round and drew a

little mustache on all of them.

phone with moustache

 

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Spelling…

It’s not brian surgery.

medical_brain-surgery

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Hamlet:

A small pig.

small pig with guitar

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According to my Spanish doctor

I have Hepatitis Yes

si

 

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My doctor told me to quit my helium addiction

before I got carried away.

helium addiction

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2B or not 2B?

I don’t think I’ve ever put this much thought

into which shade of pencil to use before.

2b or not 2b [encils

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‘UK Man has first hand transplant.’

Surely that’s a second hand transplant.

hand transplant

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I was taking a short cut across a field the other day,

I was halfway across when the farmer approached me and said,

“Did you leave that small wooden step at the edge of my field?”

I replied, “No, it wasn’t me, that’s not my stile”

stile

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Someone told me if you

smack a fish before frying it,

the meat will taste fresher.

What a load of codswallop.

cod

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I’ve just accidentally superglued my fingers

to a copy of my autobiography.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

super glue

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Me and my limbo dancing team

go way back

limbo dancing

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I. O. U. A. Vowel

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If you add a couple of consonants to one of those vowels you get PUN, which is rather convenient because today is pun day.

You know what’s next.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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I really love my fanbase…

without it my fan would fall over.

fan with base

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When people ask me

what my best quality is,

I always tell them my second best

quality is being mysterious.

mysterious

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Communicating with Native Americans

… it’s easy when you know How.

Native Americans greeting

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I don’t care what people say,

I’m a terrible psychiatrist.

I don't care cartoon

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My friend was in a go kart race and

kept going even after all his wheels fell off.

It was a tireless effort

go kart race

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I got so excited in French lessons that

sometimes “oui” would come out

cartoon excited

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If you want to know how to see without glasses,

I’ve got some good contacts.

CONTACT-LENS-CASE-570

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To all you letters that

want to be before

p in the alphabet,

join the q.

Q

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Walk in fridges.

Pretty cool.

Walk-In-Fridge

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Everybody has an ego,

mine is just bigger and  better.

ego_by_einstein

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Trees can break wind

(and they’re not the only ones!)

tree windbreak

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Four thieves were robbing a music

store when the cops turned up.

The first grabbed all the pop CDs and ran off.

The second grabbed the rock CDs and also ran off.

The third grabbed the Jazz and followed suit.

The fourth was forced to take the rap.

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All Generalizations Are False.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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All generalizations are false, except for the one that says people enjoy puns or word plays.

Just to prove the point here is another selection.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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There are only five vowels but

nobody’s ever thought to ask y.

y

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A 600 pound man committed suicide

by jumping into a ravine.

He gorged himself to death.

cartoon fat man

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What do you call a

vicar on a motorbike?

Rev.

vicar on a motorbike

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I lost my job as Donald Duck at

Disneyworld after I put on some weight.

I just didn’t fit the bill.

Donald Duck at Disneyworld

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Mirror inspecting is a job

I can’t really see myself doing.

looking in mirror

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My friend’s wife is really ugly.

So I asked him one day,

“Why do you take her out so much?”

“So I don’t have to kiss her goodbye,” he confessed.

ugly wife cartoon

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An ice rink is a good place

to go to pick up women.

ice rink women falling down

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I wouldn’t say the cruise ship was old

but it was insured against fire, piracy,

and falling off the edge of the world.

old cruise ship

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If I get one more request to do a somersault,

I’m gonna flip.

somersault

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If vegetarians love animals so much,

why do they eat all their food?

vegetarians

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I left my last girlfriend because

she wouldn’t stop counting.

I often wonder what she’s up to now.

cartoon girl counting

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My son is learning to play the guitar

How clef-er.

Wonder if he’ll ever be as good as this kid?

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Midgets Understand Everyone.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Just a small pun in the title to introduce you to this week’s selection of word plays, or puns.

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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A problem shared

is a problem laughed at.

A problem shared is a problem laughed at

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A lot of people say I am egocentric

– but enough about them

egocentric

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I was named after my father.

I don’t really like the name ‘Dad’ though.

dad

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Three out of four people

make up 75% of the population.

75 percent

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Oh how times have changed.

I used to spend my nights out ogling women.

Now I spend my nights in googling them.

googling

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My friend asked me to

walk down a hill with him.

So I declined.

walk down a hill

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I finally went to the doctor this morning

after years of my knees giving way

whenever I’m in a slow moving queue.

It’s a longstanding problem.

longstanding problem

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What do you call

a Scottish landowner?

Hectare.

Scottish landowner

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Don’t tell anyone I told you this,

but people say that I gossip far too much.

gossip far too much

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My wife has packed her bags and gone

– just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

cannelloni

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It’s hard being a member

of the innuendo society.

the innuendo society mug

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One of the toddlers on the

Intensive Care Unit is playing

with a toy donkey.

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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Sign Language Is Very Handy.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I would sign at you that this is Pun Day, but what would be the point you can’t see me.

Instead I’ll just keep quiet and let you get on with reading this latest selection of word plays.

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!

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Sign Language Is Very Handy.

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If anyone ever tells you they’ve lost their voice,

They’re lying.

lost voice

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I experimented with drugs while I was in university.

I’m now a fully qualified pharmaceutical engineer.

pharmaceutical engineer

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The most common surname in China is Chang,

correct me if you think that’s Wong.

Wong

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I bet the bloke who threw the first boomerang

didn’t see that coming.

boomerang

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All my friends hate using cliche phrases.

Even Steven.

cliche

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Want to keep the doctor away?

There’s an apple for that.

apple

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I’ve just been given two weeks to live.

The wife’s gone away for a fortnight.

two weeks

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Eleventeen percent of people

make up words.

make up words

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I’ve never been told

I am a bad listener.

bad listener

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My football team is sponsored by Apple.

So now there is an ‘I’ in team.

'I' in team

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If I had a crystal ball

I’d sit down very carefully

crystal ball

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Finally for today,

here’s a bit of advice for you.

Advi.

Advi

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Bad Actors Have Their Work Cut Out.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Bad actors do get their work cut out, fortunately for both them and those of us who watch their movies.

However, bad puns are never cut out because the worse they are the better they are.

And here’s another selection to prove it.

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

 

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It’s not my fault I blame

everyone else for my mistakes.

It's not my fault

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Steve Jobs,

a man who lived life to the macs

Apple Macs

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I haven’t made a prediction

in my life and I never will.

prediction

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There are two types of people in this world.

Those who can extrapolate incomplete data

extrapolate incomplete data

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I have trouble taking responsibility for my actions.

I blame my parents.

taking responsibility

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The life of a snail is taken

with a pinch of salt.

salt

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“I’m worried that those plants are artificial.”

“They’re not.”

“Well that’s a real leaf.”

real leaf

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My motto is:

If you can’t beat them,

what’s the point in becoming a teacher?

teacher

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I’ve just arrived at the camouflage club

and I can see we have a big turnout.

Which is really disappointing.

camouflage club

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Whilst buying some nuts today

I noticed the pack said

“stachios”

I thought…

someone’s taken the pis

pistachios

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Be a scientist.

If at first you don’t succeed,

redefine success.

scientist

 

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One way or another I’m going to

have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics.

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Lif Is Too Short.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Lif may be too short but thankfully there’s no shortage of puns.

Here’s the latest selection for you to…

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

I’ve just ended a relationship with a hair stylist.

We just never gelled.

hair stylist cartoon

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Say what you like about deaf people.

But not blind people,

they can still hear you.

deaf

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I went to the inventor of Optrex’s funeral today.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

Optrex

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My wife says the passion has gone out of our relationship.

She really doesn’t know how much I hate her.

love hate

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I used to be a hypochondriac until

I eventually became sick of it.

hypochondriac

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What have Winnie the Pooh and

Atilla the Hun got in common ?…….

the same middle name

Winnie the Pooh

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Wouldn’t it be better if handmade shoes

were for your feet?

handmade shoes

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I’ll be making a movie

about the Greek alphabets.

It’s a Psi Phi film.

Greek alphabet

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What do you call

a quick circumcision.

A rip off.

cartoon circumcision

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According to scientists there is a

link between noise and obesity.

Probably the dinner bell.

come and get it

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Just bought a time machine from Amazon.

Well you have to when they offer

previous day delivery.

time machine

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Finally for today a health warning:

Mixing cannabis with cod liver oil

is bad for your joints.

weed joints

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