Lif Is Too Short.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Lif may be too short but thankfully there’s no shortage of puns.

Here’s the latest selection for you to…

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

I’ve just ended a relationship with a hair stylist.

We just never gelled.

hair stylist cartoon

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Say what you like about deaf people.

But not blind people,

they can still hear you.

deaf

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I went to the inventor of Optrex’s funeral today.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

Optrex

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My wife says the passion has gone out of our relationship.

She really doesn’t know how much I hate her.

love hate

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I used to be a hypochondriac until

I eventually became sick of it.

hypochondriac

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What have Winnie the Pooh and

Atilla the Hun got in common ?…….

the same middle name

Winnie the Pooh

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Wouldn’t it be better if handmade shoes

were for your feet?

handmade shoes

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I’ll be making a movie

about the Greek alphabets.

It’s a Psi Phi film.

Greek alphabet

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What do you call

a quick circumcision.

A rip off.

cartoon circumcision

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According to scientists there is a

link between noise and obesity.

Probably the dinner bell.

come and get it

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Just bought a time machine from Amazon.

Well you have to when they offer

previous day delivery.

time machine

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Finally for today a health warning:

Mixing cannabis with cod liver oil

is bad for your joints.

weed joints

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It’s International Litarasy Day 2day

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Final Pun Day.

For this January that is. I hope I didn’t get your hopes up .  🙂

Here we go.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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The Inventor of the jug died today.

Tributes have been pouring in.

jug

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I asked my friend if he is a compulsive shouter.

The answer was a resounding yes.

compulsive-shouter

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Caught a bloke in the changing room earlier,

holding my jacket saying he thought it was his!

I think he was trying it on.

hip-hop-man-holding-jacket-12834831

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I don’t like my wife going out drinking

with the girls from the nail bar.

They always end up getting hammered.

nail bar

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This girl, Rene Wals, is obsessed with me.

She keeps sending me emails.

She works at GoDaddy, but I think she’s a moron

— she spells her name “Renewals.”

GoDaddy-Email-Login

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The first rule of Palindrome Club is

si bulC emordnilaP fo elur tsrif ehT.

Palindrome Club

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Is a woman who can’t have a baby,

unbearable, impregnable or inconceivable?

woman who can't have a baby

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My girlfriend was complaining

that I never buy her flowers.

I didn’t even know she sold them.

woman selling flowers

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My wife asked me how much I like

the new GPS she bought for me

I replied, “Well, I’d be lost without it.”

new GPS

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I think I first realized that my drinking

had got out of control when my doctor

referred me to a Bacardiologist.

Bacardi

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I call my weed “The Quran”

Because burning that shit will get you stoned.

burning weed

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My wife found out that I’d been moving her

bookmark forward a few pages every night.

She really lost the plot.

bookmark in book

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I was checking out this blonde girl,

when the librarian said,

“Sir, we only lend out books in here.”

librarian

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Girlfriend: You have to make a choice,

it’s either me or your career as a news reporter.

Me: Well, I’ve got some news for you then.

news reporter

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A teacher asks her class

“Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood’s girlfriend?”

Little Paddy raises his hand and says

“Yes Miss, it’s Trudy Glen.”

“No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion.”

“But Miss, what about the song?

Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen.”

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= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

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Procrastinators Unite! …. Tomorrow.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Procrastinators may unite tomorrow if they want, but for the rest of us today is Pun Day.

Yes, more awful jokes and word play fun.

So, enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I just realised that

“stats”  is palindromic.

What are the odds of that?!

STATS

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“Hey Harry, how much were

those broom sticks?” Asked Ron.

“Quid each”, replied Harry.

quidditch

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I thought my wife was happy

to fully repair my jeans.

Or at least sew its seams.

repair my jeans

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I submitted a 16:9 picture of my farm

to the photography contest.

They didn’t like the crop.

16.9 picture of my farm

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My fine art and fragrances business has failed.

The perfumes sold well, but I didn’t really know

how to market the paintings I’d bought.

Now I’ve got more Monet than scents.

Monet - Water-Lily-Pond--Symphony-In-Rose

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You feel stuck with your debt

if you can’t budge it.

budget2013_BalancingTheBudget_new

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The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial

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I’m a judge in graffiti competitions.

It’s as exciting as watching paint dry.

graffiti competitions

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Ghetto blasters.

They’re an 80s stereotype.

lasonic-ghetto-blaster-famous-gold-edition-3

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I accidentally sprinkled marijuana into my mayonnaise.

It reminded me of Holland Days.

hollandaise-sauce

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I once got a butterfly high

by giving it concentrated speed.

It was a crystal moth

crystal moth

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When I broke the news to my little

brother that he had diabetes,

I tried not to sugarcoat it.

sugarcoat

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Constipation:

same old s**t,

different day.

constipation

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Is it just me or are Polish cleaners

really bad at brushing up?

Sorry that was a

sweeping generalization.

cleaners

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My laptop is broken.

It just keeps playing

“Someone Like You”

over and over again.

Probably because it’s a Dell.

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Did You Know? Another Fact Finding Mission Is Underway!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another fact finding mission has been undertaken on your behalf and here are this week’s results.

The usual random mixture, so hopefully something interesting will be in there for you.

Enjoy.

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did you know2

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Cashews are actually a fleshy fruit.

The nut that we eat is the seed that

grows on the outside of the fruit.

cashews

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There have been 14 vice presidents who have

become President of the United States.

vice-president-of-the-us-seal-plaque

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Thamsanqa Jantjie, the embarrassing sign language interpreter

at the Mandela Memorial who doesn’t know any sign language,

is also alleged to be a murderer.

He was among a group of people who accosted two men found

with a stolen television and burned them to death

by setting fire to tires placed around their necks.

Thamsanqa-Jantjie

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Outside North and South America,

the only alligators found in the wild are in China.

alligator

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Thomas Edison was a great inventor,

but not so good at putting his inventions into practical business use.

For example, despite having the contract to supply cement

for the original Yankee Stadium,

the Edison Portland Cement Company went bust

because it insisted on producing concrete everything,

including cabinets, pianos, and even entire houses!

Yankee Stadium

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Gureng-gureng, Gabi-Gabi, Waga-Waga, Wemba-Wemba, and Yitha-Yitha

are all names of native Australian languages.

Gurindji-yurrk

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Some Americans disagreed with the United States’ initial refusal

to enter WWI and so they joined the French Foreign Legion

or the British or Canadian armies.

A group of U.S. pilots formed the Lafayette Escadrille,

which was part of the French air force and became

one of the top fighting units on the Western Front.

Escadrille Lafayette Banner

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The horse race normally called the Belmont Stakes

also goes by name of the Run for the Carnations.

Belmont Stakes

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Golf legend Jack Nicklaus didn’t earn his nickname,

the Golden Bear,

because of his size, his demeanor, or his hair.

It was the name of his high school mascot.

david-okeefe-golden-bear-2

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The term “Continental breakfast” was coined to

differentiate itself from an English breakfast.

The fried eggs, bacon, and beans of an English morning

are quite distinct from the dainty pastries, coffee, and juice

offered throughout the rest of Europe.

English Continental Breakfasts

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Beowulf is the longest Old English manuscript in existence

and contains about a tenth of all known Anglo-Saxon poetry.

beowulf

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After Leonardo da Vinci’s death,

King Francis I of France hung the Mona Lisa in his bathroom.

(There’s critics everywhere!)

mona-lisa-article-english

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One type of hummingbird weighs less than a penny.

hummingbird

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The letter “J” was the last letter added to the English Alphabet.

Before that, the letter “L” was used in its place.

“U” was the second to last letter added,

and was usually replaced by V.

old-english-alphabet

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Norman Mailer coined the word “factoid” in his 1973 biography Marilyn,

BUT it wasn’t just another word for “trivia”

– he actually meant something that seems like a fact but isn’t actually factual

– and that’s a fact….. or a factoid…. or…. er.

quote-factoids-that-is-facts-which-have-no-existence-before-appearing-in-a-magazine-or-newspaper-norman-mailer

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Start The Week With A Quiz!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, another quiz. A selection of twenty random questions to test your knowledge.

As usual the answers can be found waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please, NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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quiz 09

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Q.  1:  What captain did Fletcher Christian lead a mutiny against near Tahiti in 1789?

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Q.  2:  The ‘Andrea Gail’ is an ill-fated ship in which Hollywood movie? 

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Q.  3:  Which anti-social television character does not like pickles?

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Q.  4:  What two countries were formed in 1993 as a result of what is known as the  ‘Velvet Divorce’?

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Q.  5:  Barnes Wallis is credited as the inventor of which military equipment?

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Q.  6:  Which three primary colors make up a TV picture?

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Q.  7:  The 18th Amendment introduced Prohibition in the United States, but which amendment abolished it?

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Q.  8:  How long did the Berlin Wall stand?

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Q.  9:  What famous leader was killed on the Ides of March?

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Q. 10:  In which American town or city was the TV series ‘Hill Street Blues’ set?

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Q. 11:  Which survival device for people travelling in aircraft was first successfully used in 1912?

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Q. 12:  In which movie did Ben Kingsley play both the Vice President and President of the United States of America?

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Q. 13:  To within 5 years, what year saw slavery officially ended in the USA? 

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Q. 14:  In which battle did Sitting Bull defeat General Custer?

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Q. 15:  Which Parisian landmark was built to mark the World Exhibition taking place in the City?

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Q. 16:  Howard Hughes was obsessed with which Rock Hudson movie?

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Q. 17:  Which legendary organization did King Louis Philippe of France found?

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Q. 18:  Who played the part of ‘Rowdy Yates’ in ‘Rawhide’?

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Q. 19:  Which US President is the only one to have been divorced?

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Q. 20:  What is the link between the astronauts Alan Shephard, Virgil Grissom, John Glenn, Scott Carpenter and Gordon Cooper?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What captain did Fletcher Christian lead a mutiny against near Tahiti in 1789?

A.  1:  William Bligh

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Q.  2:  The ‘Andrea Gail’ is an ill-fated ship in which Hollywood movie? 

A.  2:  The Perfect Storm

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Q.  3:  Which anti-social television character does not like pickles?

A.  3:  Dr Gregory House

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Q.  4:  What two countries were formed in 1993 as a result of what is known as the ‘Velvet Divorce’?

A.  4:  The Czech Republic and Slovakia

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Q.  5:  Barnes Wallis is credited as the inventor of which military equipment?

A.  5:  The bouncing bomb

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Q.  6:  Which three primary colors make up a TV picture?

A.  6:  Red green and blue

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Q.  7:  The 18th Amendment introduced Prohibition in the United States, but which amendment abolished it?

A.  7:  21st Amendment

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Q.  8:  How long did the Berlin Wall stand?

A.  8:  28 years

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Q.  9:  What famous leader was killed on the Ides of March?

A.  9:  Julius Caesar

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Q. 10:  In which American town or city was the TV series ‘Hill Street Blues’ set?

A. 10:  New York

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Q. 11:  Which survival device for people travelling in aircraft was first successfully used in 1912?

A. 11:  The Parachute

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Q. 12:  In which movie did Ben Kingsley play both the Vice President and President of the United States of America?

A. 12:  Dave

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Q. 13:  To within 5 years, what year saw slavery officially ended in the USA? 

A. 13:  1863

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Q. 14:  In which battle did Sitting Bull defeat General Custer?

A. 14:  Battle Of The Little Bighorn

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Q. 15:  Which Parisian landmark was built to mark the World Exhibition taking place in the City?

A. 15:  The Eiffel Tower

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Q. 16:  Howard Hughes was obsessed with which Rock Hudson movie?

A. 16:  Ice Station Zebra

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Q. 17:  Which legendary organization did King Louis Philippe of France found?

A. 17:  The French Foreign Legion

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Q. 18:  Who played the part of ‘Rowdy Yates’ in ‘Rawhide’?

A. 18:  Clint Eastwood

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Q. 19:  Which US President is the only one to have been divorced?

A. 19:  Ronald Reagan

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Q. 20:  What is the link between the astronauts Alan Shephard, Virgil Grissom, John Glenn, Scott Carpenter and Gordon Cooper?

A. 20:  Their first names were used for the Thunderbirds

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Fun Fact File Day!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, welcome to another fun fact file day when the fasab archives are opened up to reveal a startling array of random facts that you probably didn’t know and didn’t need to.

But here they are anyhow.

I hope you enjoy.

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did you know2

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During your lifetime,

you will eat about 60,000 pounds of food,

that’s the weight of about 6 elephants.

Cartoon Elephant Clip Art

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Einstein couldn’t speak fluently when he was nine.

His parents thought he might be retarded.

But he turned out to be relatively smart!

Young_Einstein

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Gilligan of Gilligan’s Island had a first name

that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show.

His first name was Willy.

The skipper’s real name on Gilligan’s Island is Jonas Grumby.

It was mentioned once in the first episode

on their radio’s newscast about the wreck.

gilligans-island-320

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If you toss a penny 10,000 times,

it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4,950.

The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

Lincoln_Penny_Obverse

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In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa

completely out of toast.

toastier-lisa

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Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.

(But only when you really surprise them!)

penguin jump

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The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

The average bank CEO loses at least $1 billion – and gets a bonus for doing it!)

bank teller

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The Earth weighs around

6,588,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons.

atlas

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The name for Oz in the “Wizard of Oz”

was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum,

looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z,

hence “Oz.”

2 drawer filing cabinet

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The reason firehouses have circular stairways

is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses.

The horses were stabled on the ground floor

and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

firehouse stairs

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The Sanskrit word for “war” means “desire for more cows.”

cartoon-dairy-cows

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The word “Checkmate” in chess

comes from the Persian phrase “Shah Mat,”

which means “the king is dead”.

checkmate

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The word “modem” is a contraction

of the words “modulate, demodulate.”

(MOdulate DEModulate)

modem

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Thomas Edison, lightbulb inventor,

was afraid of the dark.

Thomas Edison

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Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

eggplant

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Wilma Flintstone’s maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal,

and Betty Rubble’s maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.

betty_wilma2

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Mars is the home of Olympus Mons,

the largest known volcano in our solar system

Olympus Mons v Everest
Size comparison – Olympus Mons v Everest

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There are six million parts in the Boeing 747-400.

Landing-of-a-Boeing-747-400

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Japanese research has concluded that

moderate drinking can boost IQ levels

(Sometimes you just know when scientific results are accurate.)

Drinks-4

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In 1960 there were 16,067 gambling slots in Nevada.

By the end of the century, 1999, this number rose to 205,726 slots

which would be one slot for every 10 people residing there.

slot machines

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May the Fourth Be With You

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

I must confess to always having been more of a Trekkie than and Star wars enthusiast, although I have enjoyed both.

This blog post is actually based on Star Trek, not Star Wars, so apologies to the purists who were captured by the headline. I know it’s a bit of a cliché and a lot of other people may be doing it too, but it is May 4th and I just couldn’t resist. I try to get it worked in somewhere every year!

And strangely enough this blog post is not about someone stupid either. A little eccentric perhaps, but I love people who are just that little bit off center. You could also call him a nerd or a geek. But whatever you call him, the guy is clever. He has just made himself something that has left me very envious, and that doesn’t happen too often.

You see, this guy has created a real-life, functional version of a Star Trek phaser.

Oh yes he has!

He has taken what looks like a ‘toy’ phaser casing and inside that fitted a laser unit, possibly one of those high powered laser pointers or maybe the laser from inside a Blu ray machine or something similar. However exactly he did it is less important at the moment than to view the result.

I won’t waffle on. Suffice to say is that I WANT ONE!

And there’s a good chance you might too once you see the video.

As ever, enjoy!