It’s Hard To Explain How Good I Am At Describing Things!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But I can still describe today 

–  it’s Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!

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If you think you dream in color,

is it just a pigment of your imagination?

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My boss fired me for complaining about the office escalator,

It didn’t go down well.

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First guy: “What would you do if your son told you he was gay?”

Second guy: “I’d buy him a straight jacket.”

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Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory.

The manager asks, “Have you worked with chemicals before?”

Paddy replies, “Yes.”

The manager then asks, “Can you tell me what nitrate is?”

Paddy replies, “Yes, it’s time and a half.”

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I was on holiday in the Alps

when I saw a sign saying ‘Ski Hire’.

So I went a bit further up the slope.

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I’ve just bought a shire horse.

As if my other horse wasn’t shy enough.

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I keep having recurring nightmares where

I’m in a hospital surrounded by loads of pregnant women.

Could I be going through a midwife crisis?

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I’ve just got a job testing hover boards.

The money’s not great,

but it keeps me off the streets.

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Pirate cheerleaders have it easy.

“Give me an R!”…

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A guy came up to me the other day and said,

“I’m a 3-5 stringed instrument of the harp family,

popular among nobles in medieval Europe.”

I said, “You’re a lyre!”

 

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It will be Google’s birthday soon.

They’re planning a search party.

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I went for a depression test.

Came back negative.

Oh, NO!

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I rang SeaWorld the other day,

because I wanted some information.

Before I got through to an employee,

I got a tape telling me

“This call may be recorded for training porpoises.”

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If someone asks you to

spell “Part A” backwards,

don’t do it.

It’s a trap……

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Steppenwolf was an assumed name.

He was born Toby Wild.

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Ignorant? Why, I Don’t Know The Meaning Of The Word!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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They say ignorance is bliss and to a great extent I think that is correct.

I’m not sure you could say puns are bliss, but some of us seem to enjoy them, and for those who do here are some more.

Enjoy or endure.

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I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.

It’s a Bordeaux collie.

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My friend asked me to get him a job at the opticians.

He knew I had the contacts.

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I’ve just opened a shoe shop.

So far I’ve successfully kept everyone away from it.

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I applied for a job in Australia

I think I have the necessary koalafications.

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During a spelling test, our teacher told us to write down ‘to capitalize’.

That one was too easy I thought, as I wrote ‘I I’.

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I used to smoke Benson & Hedges, but then I changed brands.

It’s all been Dunhill from there.

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I just bought a Swiss car.

It runs like clockwork,

but I can’t figure out how to get it out of neutral.

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I’ve decided to make money writing dieting books.

I’m told they appeal to a very wide audience.

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I laid flowers for mother at the wrong tombstone.

It was a grave mistake.

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An apostrophe is the difference between

a business that should know its shit,

and a business that should know it’s shit.

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A few people are complaining about the new

lightning conductor at the concert hall.

A lot of the orchestra can’t keep up with him.

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I fixed my wife up with a new job the other day

– as a human cannonball.

She went ballistic!

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I made a hotel out of little cheesy biscuits.

It’s not exactly the Ritz.

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I went to the doctor feeling ill and he said

“Lie down and cover yourself in salt.”

“How will that help?” I asked.

“Don’t know,” he said. “But in a week’s time you’ll be cured”.

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Deleted scene from Alien:

“I can’t open the milk!”

“In space, no-one can. Here, use cream.”

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