Boffin Bollocks!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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mad scientist cartoon

I would love to have been a scientist.

Not a real one, I’m not clever enough or dedicated enough for that. Rather, I would have loved to have been one of those idiots who try to make a name for themselves off pronouncements on things about which they know absolutely nothing.

I saw another one of their headline grabbers (that I like to call “boffin bollocks”) recently. The headline went something like “Shock Warning Aliens Are Coming.” And it wasn’t about more Mexicans making their way north across the US border.

It was from NASA’s Chief Scientist, Ellen Stofan, and claimed that first contact with alien life will happen “very soon” – very soon being not tomorrow, but within the next decade or two.

“We know where to look,” she confirmed.

Yes, “UP” would be my non-scientific guess at the best direction.

“We know how to look,” she added.

Again I am forced to agree. Personally I’d use a telescope, and a great big one, but that’s only me!

astronomer cartoon www.davidreneke.com

Ms Stofan was ably backed up by a colleague, John M. Grunsfeld, who came out with good sound bite words and phrases like “solar system”, “galaxy”, “the icy crusts of Jupiter’s moons Ganymede and Europa” (my favorite I think) and “the internal water within Saturn’s moon Enceladus”.

Mars and the Martians also got mentioned, but only with suggestions that life may have at one time been present on the planet. H. G. and Orson Wells had beaten them to visits by the ‘real’ Martians many, many years ago.

War of the Worlds

More scientists, this time at the Parkes Observatory in Australia, have been carefully studying peryton-a type of radio signals similar to Fast Radio Bursts (FRBs) which are known to come from somewhere else in the galaxy.

For years, they had been puzzled by these brief but intense bursts of radio waves that in some ways appeared to be coming from deep space. There have been dozens of reported perytons, some dating back to the 1990s, and theories about the signals’ origin included ball lightning, aircraft, and components of the telescopes themselves.

Then this year they made a break through. They discovered the source of the rogue signals. They were coming from – no, not somewhere deep in the galaxy – but instead from the microwave oven in the next room.

In what has to be the understatement of the year, Emily Petroff of Australia’s Swinburne University of Technology admitted, “It was quite surprising that it ended up being microwaves.”  I bet it was!

microwave aliens

I must add that I’m a big fan of space exploration, always have been, since I was a kid and was captivated by the television coverage of the Apollo missions. My only regret is that it all takes so very long that I will have gone ‘supernova’ before we see any tangible results of that exploration. There’s never a handy wormhole around when you need one, is there!

I am also a big fan of TV sci-fi series like the Star Treks, the Stargates and so forth, and of movies from ‘War of the Worlds’, thru ‘E.T.’ to ‘Independence Day’ and beyond. But I also have the wit to realize I’m being entertained and these things are not real.

So is there life out there?

I wouldn’t rule the idea out for a second. But what I would rule out is that intelligent life is ever going to be found within our Solar System, maybe not even within our Galaxy. But it could be out there somewhere.

The question we should be asking is, assuming it is benign and not hell bent on conquering all in its path, or maybe viewing us as a culinary delicacy, would that intelligent life really want anything to do with a planet full of people who, for almost their entire existence, seem to want nothing better than to continually wage war on each other?

I think having observed us for a while they would probably pass us by without calling in to say hello.

If I were in their shoes – or space boots – that’s what I would do – and at warp speed too!

alien observers

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Puns About Monorails Always Make For Decent One-Liners.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It is just as hard to guage the size of a monorail as it is to guage the popularity of puns.

Here is another selection of word plays that may help you make up your mind.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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According to ‘serving suggestions’

I’m a family of four

 'serving suggestions

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Me and my friend used to spend

all our time together in a tree-house,

but then we fell out.

 tree-house

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I come from a small town

whose population never changes.

Every time a woman falls pregnant,

someone leaves town.

 woman falls pregnant

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A synanym is a word you use

in place of one you can’t spell.

 synanym

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It’s difficult to say something tongue-in-cheek

without people thinking you have a speech impediment.

 obama tongue-in-cheek

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 I had the right to remain silent,

unfortunately I didn’t have the ability.

 right to remain silent

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It’s my first session with the

Impatience Support Group is tonight

…….. I can’t wait.

 Impatience

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I realized I didn’t have many friends

when I tried to text Ben,

scrolled down my contacts list

and accidentally texted William.

 Contact list

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My doctor said to me,

“Do you know your sperm count?”

I said,

“No, I didn’t know they were that clever.”

 paul-noth-you-need-to-get-your-cholesterol-where-your-sperm-count-is-new-yorker-cartoon

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Did you hear about the American

who went on a holiday to India and

didn’t manage to see a single wig wam?

 wig wam

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How does a woman scare a Gynaecologist?

By becoming a Ventriloquist.

 scared Gynaecologist

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Finally, here’s a joke for

all the mind readers out there….

mind reader

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Did you like it?

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Plant Puns: Weed ‘Em And Reap!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Not really a day of plant puns, but it is Pun Day, so you might want to weep anyway.

You know the drill (little gardening pun there).

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Teacher: If you were a great composer,

where would you live?

Boy: In A Flat.

Jimi Hendrix's flat

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I missed today’s Hairdressing Championships,

can anyone tell me if there were any highlights?

Hairdressing Championships

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The World Health Organization has

just announced its new slogan.

“WHO cares”.

WHO cares

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My teacher said I was average,

I told him that’s just mean.

average and mean

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I used to be a gold prospector,

but it didn’t pan out.

gold prospector

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I’ve written my own political manifesto

but I haven’t used one single upper-case letter.

I’m not a capitalist.

lower-case letter

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Men with gender issues have it tough in the UK,

I’m sure they’d love to be a broad.

Men with gender issues

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I wrote some new hymns for the congregation

to sing at my local church and the

Vicar says everybody loves them.

They can’t stop singing my praises.

hymns for the congregation

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I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub.

He seemed like a decent feller.

lumberjack

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If you want to be a coroner be

prepared for a stiff examination.

coroner

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My friend is a real Don Juan with the ladies.

The ladies Don Juan anything to do with him.

Don Juan with the ladies

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When I was in the army I reckoned all

officers higher up that Colonels are assholes.

But I hate when people Generalize.

Generals

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I’ve never seen a flamenco dancer,

but those Spaniards must be clever

to train a bird of that size.

flamingo dancer

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My wife is trying to wind me up

with jibes about my impotence.

I’m not rising to that.

jibes about my impotence

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I didn’t want to go to the

“I Love The 80s” fancy dress party,

but my friend was adamant.

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Playing With Statistics

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s Sunday so time for another Sunday Sermon.

There’s a famous quote from US President Abraham Lincoln that goes something like, “you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but not all of the people all of the time”.

On the face of it Lincoln’s words seem rather clever and profound – and true. And so they are.

Up to a point.

But what Lincoln didn’t say (and he was a politician after all) is that you don’t have to fool ALL of the people ALL of the time.

What you have to do is fool them long enough to do what you need to do – for example, in the case of a politician, to get yourself elected.  

 

graph Miss Universe

Which brings me to statistics.

Because the best people in the world at playing with statistics are politicians and governments.

Some people believe everything they are told. Others call the figures governments produce ‘disingenuous’ which is being very kind. And some don’t believe a word or a number that they produce. (Take a wild guess at which camp I am in.)

Government statistical results are in effect lies. You can’t call them that – although I just did – because they can find figures to back up what they say, it’s just that they choose the figures that tell the story they want to promote and ignore all the rest that tell a different story.

For example, to get on to one of my favorite rant subjects, there is a thing which I am sure most of you have never heard of called the ‘Special Inspector General for the Troubled Asset Relief Program’ or ‘SIGTARP’ for short.

When the government is challenged about what is has been doing to bring to justice the banksters, who stole and recklessly gambled away our money, they can quote you a statistic or two saying that over the last few years, SIGTARP has put over 100 senior bank executives in jail, each of whom was convicted of stealing from taxpayers.

Although that fact is ‘technically’ or ‘statistically’ true, what they don’t tell you is that the people they have gone after and convicted are all small time crooks, guilty of small time frauds that are seldom above $1m or $1.5 million in value.

All the super crooks who embezzled hundreds of $ billions and almost brought down the entire financial system aren’t even being seriously pursued. More than six years into the SIGTARP investigations there are literally still hundreds of billions of outstanding ‘loans’, from banks including Citi, JP Morgan, Wells Fargo, and Bank of America.

They can quote figures all day long to try to mislead the people and make themselves look good, but a few small time crooks thrown in jail for stealing a million or two dollars here and there isn’t ever going to make much of a dent in the $ billions that were stolen. The politicians know that as well as anyone.

Perhaps Mark Twain’s “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics,” might have been a better quote!

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There’s A Fine Line Between Hyphenated Words…

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There is indeed a fine line between hyphenated words – haven’t you noticed?

Yes, it’s the day to play on words, or play with words.

Whatever way you want to put it, it’s pun day!

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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The other day I held the door open for a clown.

I thought it was a nice jester.

clown jester

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I thought my Granny was going to get me a jumper for my birthday

but she just gave me a card again.

cardigan

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I play for my shop fitting company’s football team.

We are great on the counter attack.

a_Dodson_Shop_Fitters_Reception_Counter_with_Glass_Shelves

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I’ve sent a few angry letters to my Congressman.

A ‘G’ and three ‘R’s.

grrr

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I had a good morning today, I met Cameron Diaz.

And her brother, Buenos.

Cameron-Diaz

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I’m lying in bed listening to the Carpenters…

Who are taking way too long installing the new kitchen.

carpenter-kitchen-fitter

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I’ve just started a new extermination company

that specialises in felines.

I’m calling it curiosity.

Curiosity+killed+the+cat.+source+smosh+facebook+page_06d5f5_3980829

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L’Oreal Saudi Arabia.

Burkas you’re worth it.

l'oreal Saudi Arabia, burkas you're worth it

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My other half reckons I might have schizophrenia!

schizophrenia

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I took a poll recently,

and 100% of the strippers asked

were angry they had nothing to dance on.

silhouette-pole

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“OK son, what do you understand

by the word ‘omniscient’?”

He said, “God knows…”

What a clever little boy!

clever little boy

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I’m writing a post about storms.

So far, it’s just a rough draft.

storms

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Did you hear about the mexcian train killer?

He had locomotives.

Mexican train game

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What’s the singular of ‘werewolves’?

‘I’m a wolf’.

Cartoon Werewolf

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I was gob smacked when my Swedish friend came to

visit from the states and was now living as a woman.

He was Bjorn in the U.S.A.

Bjorn in the U.S.A.

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