Ivory hunters, tsk tsk.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Tsk, tsk indeed. What a terrible thing to do.

But what is also terrible, and the more terrible the better it seems, are puns.

It’s word play day.

Enjoy or endure!!!

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When it comes to making money,

I’ve got to hand it to my wife.

All of it.

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Apprehended:

The new App that reminds

you your hen is dead.

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I had an argument with my neighbor

about my trees growing over his fence.

When I extended the olive branch

it only made matters worse.

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I went into a bar and said to the guy serving,

‘How much is a pint of lager?’

He replied,

‘Five hundred and sixty-eight millilitres.’

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My identical twin was hit by a bus last year.

He’s not been the same since.

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I got lost on my first day of college,

which is when I met my wife.

She was lost too, and neither I nor she knew

what class we were supposed to be in.

And as I stared into her eyes,

I knew that we had chemistry.

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I brewed 5 gallons of homebrew.

It was pretty weak so my friend offered me ten bucks 

if I could drink the lot in one session…

I was going to accept, but in the end I bottled it.

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I live for my alarm clock collection,

it’s the only reason I get up in the morning.

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I just fired my limousine driver.

I don’t know why,

because I have nothing to chauffeur it.

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Just had lunch at an excellent Christian restaurant

called “The Lord Giveth”.

They also do takeaways.

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My wife was preparing lunch today when she asked,

“Sweetheart, where’s the cheese grater?”

“Some would say France, others would say England,” I replied.

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I bought some really odd shaped eggs

but now i can’t find them.

I think they’ve been mislaid.

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Me and my girl plan to recreate every position

from the Kama Sutra tonight using only Lego bricks.

The excitement is building.

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I asked my son what his sexuality was.

He replied ”bi”.

Ironically, his answer forced me

to say the exact same thing.

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Eminem goes to check the weather

It’s rainy and gray outside

He goes back to watch TV

Checks weather back in 10 minutes

Still shady

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Does A Man Need A Mistress Just To Break The Monogamy?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Let’s not get into a discussion on marriage.

Rather just investigate some more of those word plays we call puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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Did you hear about the two crooks who bought a hotel.

They were inn-mates.

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“This fishing tackle tastes disgusting!”

he said with baited breath.

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So the barman says to Paddy,

“Your glass is empty, would you like another one?”

“Another one?” Paddy replies,

“Sure what would I want with two empty glasses?”

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In America,

2pac’s of Eminem’s cost 50 Cents.

That’s Ludacris.

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We’ve got neighbors from Hell

A lovely old Norwegian couple…

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“I had a vision out of the cornea of my eye

that you would be a great pupil,”

the teacher said.

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My wife had one of those near death experiences last night

Silly woman thought she could vacuum the floors

while the super bowl was on.

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When a college dormitory exploded

a lot of roomers were flying.

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CNN News “Tree Falls On Bank”

Didn’t say what branch though.

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When Billy was sent to prison the first thing he said

to his cell mate was, “I won’t be in here long”

“Well the judge gave you six years,” his cell mate said.

“Yeah I know,” Billy replied. “But my wife will break me out

she’s never let me finish a sentence before.”

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By the way,

I’m hosting a charity evening and raffle this Saturday evening

to raise money for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can’t come let me know.

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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

(Get it? No shins, Toe-Knee.)

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My son just asked, “Dad, can you tell me what gay means?”

“It means to be happy,” I replied.

“Are you gay, dad?”

“No, son. I married your mother!”

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My route to work has been scattered with average speed cameras.

You’d think the tight asses would have shelled out for the decent ones.

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I’m just off for a meeting with an Indian car maker.

Tata.

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