I. O. U. A. Vowel

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If you add a couple of consonants to one of those vowels you get PUN, which is rather convenient because today is pun day.

You know what’s next.

Enjoy or endure!!

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I really love my fanbase…

without it my fan would fall over.

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When people ask me

what my best quality is,

I always tell them my second best

quality is being mysterious.

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Communicating with Native Americans

… it’s easy when you know How.

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I don’t care what people say,

I’m a terrible psychiatrist.

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My friend was in a go kart race and

kept going even after all his wheels fell off.

It was a tireless effort

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I got so excited in French lessons that

sometimes “oui” would come out

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If you want to know how to see without glasses,

I’ve got some good contacts.

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To all you letters that

want to be before

p in the alphabet,

join the q.

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Walk in fridges.

Pretty cool.

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Everybody has an ego,

mine is just bigger and  better.

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Trees can break wind

(and they’re not the only ones!)

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Four thieves were robbing a music

store when the cops turned up.

The first grabbed all the pop CDs and ran off.

The second grabbed the rock CDs and also ran off.

The third grabbed the Jazz and followed suit.

The fourth was forced to take the rap.

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All Generalizations Are False.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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All generalizations are false, except for the one that says people enjoy puns or word plays.

Just to prove the point here is another selection.

Enjoy or endure!!

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There are only five vowels but

nobody’s ever thought to ask y.

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A 600 pound man committed suicide

by jumping into a ravine.

He gorged himself to death.

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What do you call a

vicar on a motorbike?

Rev.

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I lost my job as Donald Duck at

Disneyworld after I put on some weight.

I just didn’t fit the bill.

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Mirror inspecting is a job

I can’t really see myself doing.

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My friend’s wife is really ugly.

So I asked him one day,

“Why do you take her out so much?”

“So I don’t have to kiss her goodbye,” he confessed.

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An ice rink is a good place

to go to pick up women.

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I wouldn’t say the cruise ship was old

but it was insured against fire, piracy,

and falling off the edge of the world.

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If I get one more request to do a somersault,

I’m gonna flip.

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If vegetarians love animals so much,

why do they eat all their food?

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I left my last girlfriend because

she wouldn’t stop counting.

I often wonder what she’s up to now.

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My son is learning to play the guitar

How clef-er.

Wonder if he’ll ever be as good as this kid?

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Sign Language Is Very Handy.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I would sign at you that this is Pun Day, but what would be the point you can’t see me.

Instead I’ll just keep quiet and let you get on with reading this latest selection of word plays.

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!

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If anyone ever tells you they’ve lost their voice,

They’re lying.

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I experimented with drugs while I was in university.

I’m now a fully qualified pharmaceutical engineer.

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The most common surname in China is Chang,

correct me if you think that’s Wong.

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I bet the bloke who threw the first boomerang

didn’t see that coming.

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All my friends hate using cliche phrases.

Even Steven.

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Want to keep the doctor away?

There’s an apple for that.

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I’ve just been given two weeks to live.

The wife’s gone away for a fortnight.

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Eleventeen percent of people

make up words.

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I’ve never been told

I am a bad listener.

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My football team is sponsored by Apple.

So now there is an ‘I’ in team.

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If I had a crystal ball

I’d sit down very carefully

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Finally for today,

here’s a bit of advice for you.

Advi.

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Bad Actors Have Their Work Cut Out.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Bad actors do get their work cut out, fortunately for both them and those of us who watch their movies.

However, bad puns are never cut out because the worse they are the better they are.

And here’s another selection to prove it.

Enjoy or endure.

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It’s not my fault I blame

everyone else for my mistakes.

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Steve Jobs,

a man who lived life to the macs

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I haven’t made a prediction

in my life and I never will.

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There are two types of people in this world.

Those who can extrapolate incomplete data

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I have trouble taking responsibility for my actions.

I blame my parents.

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The life of a snail is taken

with a pinch of salt.

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“I’m worried that those plants are artificial.”

“They’re not.”

“Well that’s a real leaf.”

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My motto is:

If you can’t beat them,

what’s the point in becoming a teacher?

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I’ve just arrived at the camouflage club

and I can see we have a big turnout.

Which is really disappointing.

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Whilst buying some nuts today

I noticed the pack said

“stachios”…

I thought…

someone’s taken the pis

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Be a scientist.

If at first you don’t succeed,

redefine success.

 

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One way or another I’m going to

have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics.

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I Made A Chicken Salad Today. It Didn’t Even Eat It.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no ingratitude like the ingratitude of a chicken when you specially prepare a meal for it.

Still I can always make some soup!

Want some more word play?

Try these.

Enjoy or endure!!

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When someone says they are not in denial,

I never know whether to believe them…

 

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What’s another name

for an angry feminist?

A feminist.

 

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My girlfriend said I’m afraid of commitment.

Well…

I wouldn’t really call her my girlfriend.

 

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I haven’t slept for ten days,

because that would be too long.

 

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Newspaper headline:

Air strike planned

Well I hope it doesn’t last long,

I can’t hold my breath for more than 30 seconds.

 

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I once went out with a girl called simile,

I don’t know what I metaphor.

 

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The grenade factory is the one place

where being able to hear a pin drop

is a bad thing

 

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I had a camera but,

whenever I photographed people,

they came out looking bald-headed…

it was then I realized that

I was using Kojak film.

 

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Are Dementia and Alzheimers

two separate illnesses

or are they one and the same thing?

I can never remember.

 

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A minor background part actor

walks into a massage parlour and

asks if they are willing to provide sexual services.

The lady replies

“Sorry love, we don’t do extras.”

 

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My Grandad’s so old

that he remembers

when X Factor was

just a Roman Sun cream

 

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My girlfriend told me that

my Tom Petty obsession

is getting out of hand,

but I won’t back down on this one.

No I won’t

Back

Down

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To Cut A Long Story Short Use Fewer Words.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But make sure a few of those words are puns.

Which is my way of welcoming you to another pun day.

Enjoy or endure!!

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A little birdie told me my

golf skills were improving.

 

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Someone asked me how many haircuts I’d had in my life.

I said, “off the top of my head, about 250.”

 

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I used to file my nails, but I thought:

‘what’s the point in keeping them?’

 

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Maths problems, the only place where

someone can buy 60 watermelons

and no one wonders why.

 

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I’m not going to make jokes from mixed metaphors

– too many other people have milked that bandwagon already.

 

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I was recently asked if as a young boy,

was my mother very strict with me.

I said, ‘let me get one thing straight,

my mother was never a young boy.’

 

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Whilst holidaying in Madrid with the lads,

my friend Dave suffered a heart attack in a bar,

however we were all surprised when he was

skillfully revived by a retired Doctor

who appeared out of nowhere…

… No one expects the Spanish Ex-Physician.

 

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Met this girl in a club last night.

I said, “Do you like cocktails?”

She said, “I don’t know, tell me one.”

 

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I said to my friend, “It’s important that no-one

mentions any film production companies.”

“How important is it?” he asked.

“Paramount,” I replied.

 

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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can’t remember his name.

It’s P something T something R.

 

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My agent said I should use a pen name,

so from now on I am calling myself

‘Bic Parker’.

 

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Thanks to Gwen Stefani,

I can now spell Bananas.

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Astronomy Is Looking Up.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Astronomy is indeed looking up and so is today now that you’ve realized it’s Pun Day.

Lots more word play below, so…

Enjoy or endure!!

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My friends say

I always contradict them,

but I disagree.

 

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I applied for a loan,

but the bank had zero percent interest.

 

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For every action,

there is a social media over-reaction.

 

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I went to the museum and saw a Van Gogh painting.

Underneath it said “Loaned anonymously.”

I went to the front desk and said,

“I’d like my Van Gogh back now, please.”

 

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Quantum mechanics:

The dreams stuff is made of.

 

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I was a whisker away from finding

an entire utensil set yesterday.

 

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Pyongyang

– the only capital city that sounds

like a ricochet sound effect

from an old fashioned Western.

 

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My friend has just had surgery.

‘Surgery’ being the operative word.

 

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I was playing scrabble with my dad

when he spelled the word “stneve”.

It was an unexpected turn of events.

 

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Do deaf mathematicians

speak in sine language?

 

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They say when a man meets the right woman,

he is complete.

They say when a man meets the wrong woman,

he is finished.

They say when the right woman

meets the wrong woman with the man,

he is completely finished.

 

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Stupidity is not a handicap.

Park elsewhere.

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Puns About Monorails Always Make For Decent One-Liners.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It is just as hard to guage the size of a monorail as it is to guage the popularity of puns.

Here is another selection of word plays that may help you make up your mind.

Enjoy or endure!!

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According to ‘serving suggestions’

I’m a family of four

 

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Me and my friend used to spend

all our time together in a tree-house,

but then we fell out.

 

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I come from a small town

whose population never changes.

Every time a woman falls pregnant,

someone leaves town.

 

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A synanym is a word you use

in place of one you can’t spell.

 

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It’s difficult to say something tongue-in-cheek

without people thinking you have a speech impediment.

 

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 I had the right to remain silent,

unfortunately I didn’t have the ability.

 

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It’s my first session with the

Impatience Support Group is tonight

…….. I can’t wait.

 

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I realized I didn’t have many friends

when I tried to text Ben,

scrolled down my contacts list

and accidentally texted William.

 

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My doctor said to me,

“Do you know your sperm count?”

I said,

“No, I didn’t know they were that clever.”

 

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Did you hear about the American

who went on a holiday to India and

didn’t manage to see a single wig wam?

 

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How does a woman scare a Gynaecologist?

By becoming a Ventriloquist.

 

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Finally, here’s a joke for

all the mind readers out there….

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Did you like it?

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Never Judge A Book By It’s Movie.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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That’s good advice in the title by the way.

Now for some good word plays or puns.

As ever….

Enjoy or endure!!

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What do you get if you cross

a mountain and a desert?

Tired feet.

 

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My girlfriend asked me,

“If you could have any super-power,

which one would you have?”

I said, “America.”

 

 

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Education is important but

becoming a model is importanter.

 

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The key to being funny is

to say smart things stupidly…

or was is it stupid things smartly?

Whatever,

it’s not rocket surgery.

 

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I used to see this girl across the road from me

but she closes her curtains now!

 

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I often say to myself,

“I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

 

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My friend and his wife are a fastidious couple.

He is fast and she is hideous.

(Or is it the other way round?)

 

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The instructions on my microwave meal

say ‘stir and recover’

How tiring do they think stirring actually is?

 

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How to fall downstairs.

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 10, 11

 

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And so, with a heavy heart,

I explained to the wife that I’ve

got too much iron in my blood.

 

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Scientists now think that global warming

is the main cause of documentaries and stupid laws

 

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I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West

could have been avoided completely if

cowboy architects had just made their

towns big enough for everyone.

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Gullibility test kit – send $19.99 now!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Gullible or not now is your chance to look at this week’s selection of word plays, better known as puns.

As usual they come with choice….

Enjoy or endure!!

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I have four problems in life:

counting,

remembering

and counting.

 

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I was driving along the other day,

when a bloke stopped me and said,

“Your back mud flaps have fallen off.”

I said, “Can’t do much about it now,

I’ll just carry on rear guard less.”

 

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Stable relationships

are for horses

 

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My friend told me that after years of doubt,

he is now convinced my wife is having an affair.

“We’ve gone and moved 250 miles away,” he told me.

“And we’ve still got the same window cleaner.”

 

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It’s times like these, when I’m sat

in bed with my computer on my knee,

that I really wish I’d bought a laptop.

 

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I think I may have a shower.

Just checked, yes I do, it’s upstairs.

 

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I just found $20 hanging from my ceiling.

It was a suicide note.

 

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Exaggerations went up

by a million percent last year.

 

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If Einstein hadn’t come up with

the Theory of Relativity,

someone else would have.

It was only a matter of time.

 

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My cat is absolutely terrified

of thunder and lightening.

The pussy.

 

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What part of my body is as long as your thigh,

contains over 120 muscles,

and is an anagram of “pensi”?

No, you’re completely wrong.

The correct answer is my spine.

 

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According to my facebook timeline,

I had no life before joining Facebook in 2012.

I believe it to be the other way around.

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