I. O. U. A. Vowel

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If you add a couple of consonants to one of those vowels you get PUN, which is rather convenient because today is pun day.

You know what’s next.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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I really love my fanbase…

without it my fan would fall over.

fan with base

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When people ask me

what my best quality is,

I always tell them my second best

quality is being mysterious.

mysterious

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Communicating with Native Americans

… it’s easy when you know How.

Native Americans greeting

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I don’t care what people say,

I’m a terrible psychiatrist.

I don't care cartoon

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My friend was in a go kart race and

kept going even after all his wheels fell off.

It was a tireless effort

go kart race

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I got so excited in French lessons that

sometimes “oui” would come out

cartoon excited

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If you want to know how to see without glasses,

I’ve got some good contacts.

CONTACT-LENS-CASE-570

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To all you letters that

want to be before

p in the alphabet,

join the q.

Q

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Walk in fridges.

Pretty cool.

Walk-In-Fridge

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Everybody has an ego,

mine is just bigger and  better.

ego_by_einstein

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Trees can break wind

(and they’re not the only ones!)

tree windbreak

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Four thieves were robbing a music

store when the cops turned up.

The first grabbed all the pop CDs and ran off.

The second grabbed the rock CDs and also ran off.

The third grabbed the Jazz and followed suit.

The fourth was forced to take the rap.

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All Generalizations Are False.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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All generalizations are false, except for the one that says people enjoy puns or word plays.

Just to prove the point here is another selection.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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There are only five vowels but

nobody’s ever thought to ask y.

y

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A 600 pound man committed suicide

by jumping into a ravine.

He gorged himself to death.

cartoon fat man

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What do you call a

vicar on a motorbike?

Rev.

vicar on a motorbike

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I lost my job as Donald Duck at

Disneyworld after I put on some weight.

I just didn’t fit the bill.

Donald Duck at Disneyworld

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Mirror inspecting is a job

I can’t really see myself doing.

looking in mirror

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My friend’s wife is really ugly.

So I asked him one day,

“Why do you take her out so much?”

“So I don’t have to kiss her goodbye,” he confessed.

ugly wife cartoon

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An ice rink is a good place

to go to pick up women.

ice rink women falling down

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I wouldn’t say the cruise ship was old

but it was insured against fire, piracy,

and falling off the edge of the world.

old cruise ship

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If I get one more request to do a somersault,

I’m gonna flip.

somersault

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If vegetarians love animals so much,

why do they eat all their food?

vegetarians

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I left my last girlfriend because

she wouldn’t stop counting.

I often wonder what she’s up to now.

cartoon girl counting

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My son is learning to play the guitar

How clef-er.

Wonder if he’ll ever be as good as this kid?

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Sign Language Is Very Handy.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I would sign at you that this is Pun Day, but what would be the point you can’t see me.

Instead I’ll just keep quiet and let you get on with reading this latest selection of word plays.

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!

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Sign Language Is Very Handy.

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If anyone ever tells you they’ve lost their voice,

They’re lying.

lost voice

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I experimented with drugs while I was in university.

I’m now a fully qualified pharmaceutical engineer.

pharmaceutical engineer

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The most common surname in China is Chang,

correct me if you think that’s Wong.

Wong

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I bet the bloke who threw the first boomerang

didn’t see that coming.

boomerang

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All my friends hate using cliche phrases.

Even Steven.

cliche

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Want to keep the doctor away?

There’s an apple for that.

apple

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I’ve just been given two weeks to live.

The wife’s gone away for a fortnight.

two weeks

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Eleventeen percent of people

make up words.

make up words

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I’ve never been told

I am a bad listener.

bad listener

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My football team is sponsored by Apple.

So now there is an ‘I’ in team.

'I' in team

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If I had a crystal ball

I’d sit down very carefully

crystal ball

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Finally for today,

here’s a bit of advice for you.

Advi.

Advi

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Bad Actors Have Their Work Cut Out.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Bad actors do get their work cut out, fortunately for both them and those of us who watch their movies.

However, bad puns are never cut out because the worse they are the better they are.

And here’s another selection to prove it.

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

 

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It’s not my fault I blame

everyone else for my mistakes.

It's not my fault

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Steve Jobs,

a man who lived life to the macs

Apple Macs

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I haven’t made a prediction

in my life and I never will.

prediction

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There are two types of people in this world.

Those who can extrapolate incomplete data

extrapolate incomplete data

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I have trouble taking responsibility for my actions.

I blame my parents.

taking responsibility

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The life of a snail is taken

with a pinch of salt.

salt

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“I’m worried that those plants are artificial.”

“They’re not.”

“Well that’s a real leaf.”

real leaf

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My motto is:

If you can’t beat them,

what’s the point in becoming a teacher?

teacher

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I’ve just arrived at the camouflage club

and I can see we have a big turnout.

Which is really disappointing.

camouflage club

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Whilst buying some nuts today

I noticed the pack said

“stachios”

I thought…

someone’s taken the pis

pistachios

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Be a scientist.

If at first you don’t succeed,

redefine success.

scientist

 

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One way or another I’m going to

have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics.

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I Made A Chicken Salad Today. It Didn’t Even Eat It.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no ingratitude like the ingratitude of a chicken when you specially prepare a meal for it.

Still I can always make some soup!

Want some more word play?

Try these.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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When someone says they are not in denial,

I never know whether to believe them…

 in denial

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What’s another name

for an angry feminist?

A feminist.

 angry feminist cartoon

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My girlfriend said I’m afraid of commitment.

Well…

I wouldn’t really call her my girlfriend.

 Cartoon afraid of commitment

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I haven’t slept for ten days,

because that would be too long.

 mitch-hedberg-comedian-i-havent-slept-for-ten-days-because-that-would-be-too

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Newspaper headline:

Air strike planned

Well I hope it doesn’t last long,

I can’t hold my breath for more than 30 seconds.

 holding breath

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I once went out with a girl called simile,

I don’t know what I metaphor.

 metaphor

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The grenade factory is the one place

where being able to hear a pin drop

is a bad thing

 hand-grenades

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I had a camera but,

whenever I photographed people,

they came out looking bald-headed…

it was then I realized that

I was using Kojak film.

 Kojak

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Are Dementia and Alzheimers

two separate illnesses

or are they one and the same thing?

I can never remember.

 Dementia and Alzheimers cartoon

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A minor background part actor

walks into a massage parlour and

asks if they are willing to provide sexual services.

The lady replies

“Sorry love, we don’t do extras.”

 Extras

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My Grandad’s so old

that he remembers

when X Factor was

just a Roman Sun cream

 X Factor Logo

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My girlfriend told me that

my Tom Petty obsession

is getting out of hand,

but I won’t back down on this one.

No I won’t

Back

Down

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To Cut A Long Story Short Use Fewer Words.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But make sure a few of those words are puns.

Which is my way of welcoming you to another pun day.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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A little birdie told me my

golf skills were improving.

 birdie

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Someone asked me how many haircuts I’d had in my life.

I said, “off the top of my head, about 250.”

 haircuts

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I used to file my nails, but I thought:

‘what’s the point in keeping them?’

 file cabinet

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Maths problems, the only place where

someone can buy 60 watermelons

and no one wonders why.

 watermelons

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I’m not going to make jokes from mixed metaphors

– too many other people have milked that bandwagon already.

 mixed metaphors

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I was recently asked if as a young boy,

was my mother very strict with me.

I said, ‘let me get one thing straight,

my mother was never a young boy.’

 mother clipart

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Whilst holidaying in Madrid with the lads,

my friend Dave suffered a heart attack in a bar,

however we were all surprised when he was

skillfully revived by a retired Doctor

who appeared out of nowhere…

… No one expects the Spanish Ex-Physician.

 Spanish Inquisition Monty Python

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Met this girl in a club last night.

I said, “Do you like cocktails?”

She said, “I don’t know, tell me one.”

 cocktails

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I said to my friend, “It’s important that no-one

mentions any film production companies.”

“How important is it?” he asked.

“Paramount,” I replied.

 Paramount_Pictures_print_logo_(1968)

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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can’t remember his name.

It’s P something T something R.

 crossword compiler

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My agent said I should use a pen name,

so from now on I am calling myself

‘Bic Parker’.

 pen name

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Thanks to Gwen Stefani,

I can now spell Bananas.

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Astronomy Is Looking Up.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Astronomy is indeed looking up and so is today now that you’ve realized it’s Pun Day.

Lots more word play below, so…

Enjoy or endure!!

.

rofl

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My friends say

I always contradict them,

but I disagree.

 contradiction buttons

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I applied for a loan,

but the bank had zero percent interest.

 zero percent interest

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For every action,

there is a social media over-reaction.

 social media over-reaction

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I went to the museum and saw a Van Gogh painting.

Underneath it said “Loaned anonymously.”

I went to the front desk and said,

“I’d like my Van Gogh back now, please.”

 Van Gogh painting

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Quantum mechanics:

The dreams stuff is made of.

 Quantum mechanics

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I was a whisker away from finding

an entire utensil set yesterday.

 whisker

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Pyongyang

– the only capital city that sounds

like a ricochet sound effect

from an old fashioned Western.

 Pyongyang

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My friend has just had surgery.

‘Surgery’ being the operative word.

 surgery cartoon

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I was playing scrabble with my dad

when he spelled the word “stneve”.

It was an unexpected turn of events.

 scrabble

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Do deaf mathematicians

speak in sine language?

 deaf mathematicians

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They say when a man meets the right woman,

he is complete.

They say when a man meets the wrong woman,

he is finished.

They say when the right woman

meets the wrong woman with the man,

he is completely finished.

 man meets the right woman

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Stupidity is not a handicap.

Park elsewhere.

handicap parking space

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