BREAKING NEWS: Repair Man Wanted.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Nothing broken here though, you’ll be glad to hear.

So let’s get on with a bit more word play that you love to….

Enjoy or endure!

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What did Salvador Dali have for breakfast?

A bowl of surreal.

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There’s a bloke in Hungary who goes round from door to door

trying to convert people to Zen philosophy.

He’s a Buddha pest.

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If an Earl is awarded an O.B.E,

does he become an earlobe?

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My mum’s got this weird fetish for sleeping with boxing gloves.

Her doctor thinks it’s just the menopause setting in,

but I just think she’s going through a rocky patch.

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Do you think the name for the head

of the Indian Mafia is ‘Poppa Don’?

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My girlfriend asked me the other day,

“Dave, why do you always walk in front of me?”

I said, “I’m sorry, I don’t follow you.”

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There’s a monster under my bed,

that plays loud music and dances around.

That damn boogieman.

 

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I entered my dog in the redneck version of Crufts last week.

She won “Best Inbreed.”

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A man went to the doctor and said,

“I’m sick and tired of finishing crosswords so quickly!”

He said, “Try not to get two down sir.”

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I went to a fancy dress competition

dressed as Winston Churchill.

I thought my costume was great,

I had the hat, the suit, the bow tie, everything!

When I asked them whether I’d won,

they said I was close, but no cigar.

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I was in Wal Mart buying batteries today.

I asked the assistant if I would be better buying re-chargable

batteries or just get the cheapest and change them often.

“There’s positives and negatives with both,” she told me.

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My school has a really bad drugs problem.

Especially class A

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I was stopped by a policeman and

asked if I could identify myself.

I looked in the mirror and said,

“Yes officer, it’s definitely me.”

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My wife said to me,

“Tonight, in bed, you can do anything you want”.

So I invited my secretary over.

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I’m in love with an eel

– that’s a moray.

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Stonehenge Rocks!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yeah, Stonehenge rocks!

So does Pun Day!!

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!!

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Deaf people are lip reading as we speak.

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In school, my teacher asked me if I

had any of my own maths equipment.

“I have a broken abacus,” I replied.

She said, “That doesn’t count.”

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I’m a puppeteer –

I had to pull a lot of strings to get the job.

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My friend happily announced recently that,

after 18 months of hard work and determination,

he had lost over 130 pounds of unhealthy useless fat.

He divorced her.

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Want to pull a Jewish girl?

Just show them some interest.

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A woman walks up to a handsome man

in a nightclub and shouts, “Fat penguin!”

“Pardon?” he says, looking bemused.

“Sorry,” she replies. “I was just trying to

think of something that would break the ice.”

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Being unemployed definitely has its benefits.

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I always get chutney and pickle mixed up.

It makes me chuckle.

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My mate asked if I wanted to

play electric shock monopoly.

I jumped at the chance.

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Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m OK,

but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

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My mum always said, “

Never use two words when one will do.”

Why didn’t she just say,

“Avoid verbosity”?

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I love blondes, but I was gutted to come

home from work to find my girlfriend

had dyed her hair brunette.

It’s just not fair.

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Protesters at the recent G20 conference

were holding up huge signs saying

‘Capitalism Isn’t Working’.

A friend of mine turned to me and said,

“Surely that’s wrong.

Surely ‘Capitalism Is Working’.”

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My English teacher told me that it’s impossible

to take two completely different words out of context

and use them to create a coherent sentence.

Wheel sea.

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Friends of my wife and I, recently bought a farm,

and decided to invite us to a House warming party.

I asked my wife, “What shall we get them for a present?”

“How about this long length of rope with bucket attached?” she replied.

“Yes,” I agreed. “I am sure that will go down well.”

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Apparently Towels Are The Biggest Cause Of Dry Skin.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I couldn’t make my mind for a while whether that title was a pun or a fabulous fact.

But it’s Pun Day, so a play on words it is.

Enjoy or endure!

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My uncle works for a company

that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

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Police, “You’re under arrest for trespassing.”

Me, “On what grounds?”

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I know a guy who in his spare time likes to dress up as a knight,

and jump over 20 parked cars on a horse.

I call him Medieval Knievel.

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Having fake teeth.

That’ll denture confidence

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I actually tried plane sailing the other day….

It’s not as easy as it’s made out to be.

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Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom.

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My wife always gets annoyed when I leave her out.

Especially if it’s raining.

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Arkansas is just Kansas with pirates.

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Once when I was in Chicago I did 35 press-ups in a row…

The elevator attendant looked pretty annoyed.

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I’ve spent my entire life researching the multiples of zero,

my career has amounted to nothing. 

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I asked my friend the other day, “Where’s your mum from?”

He replied, “Alaska.”

I said, “Don’t worry, I’ll ask her myself.”

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I saw a man with a trolley

full of horseshoes and rabbits’ feet earlier,

trying to get it up a hill.

I thought, “He’s pushing his luck.”

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Some people say it’s sick and perverted to be a flasher.

I think it shows a lot of balls.

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A Zen master once said to me,

“Do the opposite of whatever I tell you.”

So I didn’t.

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I was referred to Dr. Dre the other day,

I have to go in for a hip-hoperation.

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I Just Knew I Was Going To Get Thrown Out Of The Optimism Society.

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And if you were an optimist who thought there would be no puns in June, then your membership of the society is in doubt too.

Here’s the latest batch.

Enjoy or endure!

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Some people have a way with words,

others not have way.

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My friend received an email yesterday asking him

to send trouser zips to the address provided.

I told him to ignore it,

it sounds like they are fly phishing.

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I thought growing my own lettuce would be difficult

but it was quite easy in the end.

It’s not rocket science.

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A policeman asked me to come down

to the station for an interview.

I haven’t even applied for a job there.

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This linguistics professor was lecturing the class.

“In English,” he explained, “a double negative forms a positive.

In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.”

“However,” the professor continued, “there is no language wherein

a double positive can form a negative.”

Immediately, a voice from the back of the room piped up:

“Yeah….. right….”

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I remember when my parents died,

all they left me was a globe.

It meant the world to me….

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If I had a billion pounds

for every time I underestimated…

I would be a millionaire.

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My mate Steven, who shares the same name as me,

thought it was funny to erase the letters ‘St’ from my pencil case.

So, during break, I did the same to his.

Now we’re even.

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My father worked in a steel fabrication plant.

They didn’t produce anything,

they just said they did.

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Jimmy: “Can I ask you a question?”

Ted: “Sure, what is it?”

Jimmy: “It’s an interrogative statement, used to test knowledge.”

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I have no idea what the opposite of imagination is.

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After hearing my son saying,

“I want to be good with acoustic,”

I decided to buy him a guitar.

Turns out he wanted a pool cue.

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The Internet now has the second largest collection of jokes in the world…

The House of Representatives is still hanging on to the top spot.

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I told my mum I was going out for a walk.

She said, “How long will you be gone?”

I said, “Probably the whole time”

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Look, at the end of the day

….. it’s night!

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I’m A Terrible Psychic – I Don’t Know About You.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The clue is always in the title.

Today is Pun Day, so brace yourself for more word play and silly jokes.

Go on, you know you love ‘em.

Enjoy or endure.

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Can you tell me what someone from Corsica is called?

Corsican!

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My mum was getting annoyed because of her job sewing things.

I said, “You seamstressed.”

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“Timmy , your homework assignment was to read War and Peace.

Why haven’t you read it?”

“Sorry Miss. It’s a long story.”

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There was this group on Facebook called

‘Help the children in Africa who are suffering from the heat’.

So I became a fan.

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I invested $1000 in some American shares…..

It made a lot of cents.

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I was on a cruise ship which had both sides labeled as starboard.

Something wasn’t right.

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Don’t bother entering the Repairman Of The Year Award

– it’s fixed

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I fell out of a 600 story building and lived.

It was a library.

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Everyone who tastes my homemade wine says it tastes horrible.

I think it’s just sour grapes.

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What do you have

if you have a cricket ball in one hand

and a cricket ball in the other?

A really big cricket!

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I got myself a new toy – it’s a laminator.

Basically, it’s a machine that kills baby sheep.

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My girlfriend left me the other day.

Accordion to her I make tune many musical puns.

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A guy walks into the psychiatrist

wearing only shorts made from Bubble wrap.

The psychiatrist says,

“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

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What’s the fastest way to get stoned?

Be a woman in Iran.

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“The total cost would be £3000,” said the funeral director.

“That includes digging the grave.”

“Is that the whole thing?” I asked.

He replied, “Yes, that’s the hole thing.”

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A Day Not Sober Is Often A Day Wasted!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A day not sober is often a day wasted and a week without a pun day just isn’t worth thinking about.

So here you are, another short selection of the jokes you love to hate.

Enjoy or endure!

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I always have a great laugh when I’m mountain climbing.

I find them hilly areas.

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The worst job I ever had was working in

a factory making cowboy records.

Howdy pressing.

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Say what you like about iPhones, but you can’t

speak I’ll about their clever autocorrect feature.

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I spent all morning walking around in the wife’s panties.

She’s a big woman.

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Had to fire my tailor.

It was nothing personal,

he just didn’t seam right.

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My friend told me he was going to

a fancy dress party as an Italian island.

I said to him “Don’t be Sicily!”

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I went to the Job Centre and all they

offered me was a job making beds.

I turned them down.

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My friend Dave asked me if I wanted him to

recite the first twenty one letters of the alphabet to me.

“It’s up to U” I replied.

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I used to have more money than sense,

Nowadays I’m broke AND stupid.

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At last night’s pub quiz, a question came up:

“What is another name for a grey goose?”

I just couldn’t think of the Anser.

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My neighbor asked me what I thought of her kids.

I said, “They should go far.”

Brimming with pride, she said “Really?”

“Yes,” I said, “And the sooner they start, the better.”

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Two removal men got into an argument.

They took it outside.

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Been using this blog to try my hand at writing.

So far, it’s being a lot more successful than my foot.

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I have decided to start a company where all the money

made will buy bread for Indian children’s curries.

It will be a naan profit organization.

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When I was a teenager my mum always used to say

that my room was so messy I’d never

get any ‘self respecting girl’ to go in there.

Luckily those weren’t the girls I was after.

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I’ve Never Understood Decimals – What’s The Point?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I may be having difficulty understanding the point of decimals, but I understand the point of a good pun or two.

Hope you do too.

Here is the latest word play selection for you enjoyment.

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I just found a note that says “Dial-a-Party” and a phone number.

I believe this calls for a celebration.

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Went to a 70’s disco the other night.

Bought all sorts of cool gear too; platform boots,

brightly coloured flares, an afro wig…

But in retro specs I looked a twat.

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Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma.

There’s no menu, they just give you what you deserve.

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I’m an avid campaigner for the preservation of endangered animals.

You should taste my panda jam.

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My friend’s always boasting how he once had to

shuffle 52 packs of cards and

then distribute them equally between 4 people.

Big deal.

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You know who I can’t stand?

Intolerant people.

Bastards!

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I had some time to kill yesterday.

So I went round to the mother-in-law’s.

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One by one, all of my best friends have started

to become interested in men as well as women.

So I’m just sitting here, watching the world go bi.

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My wife has just texted me asking me to ‘do her’ tonight.

I’m not looking forward to it, I’m useless at impressions.

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I was taking the freeway out of LA the other day

when the cops pulled me over and said:

‘Put it back’.

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Guy #1:  “I call my girlfriend ‘Miss Universe’.”

Guy #2:  “Is it because she’s so beautiful?”

Guy #1:  “No it’s ’cause she’s constantly expanding, the fat cow!” 

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I used to keep poking myself in my eyes,

but don’t worry,

I can’t see myself doing it again.

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Archaeologists have just discovered

an ancient Egyptian ruler embalmed in chocolate.

Apparently it was Pharaoh Rocher.

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My tailor has stitched the bottom

of my trousers the wrong way around.

Meh.

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I pulled a cracker last Christmas.

There’s a joke in there somewhere.

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Can anybody tell me where Jeopardy is?

Apparently there’s 1000s of jobs there.

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My teacher handed me a blank piece of white paper.

“Make a paper plane,” she said.

“It already is,” I said.

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My opinion on fishmongers?

Selfish.

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My friend just showed me a picture of his new girlfriend,

who he says is from Eastern Europe.

I looked at the picture and said

‘she looks nothing like a frog.’

‘What are you on about?’ He said.

‘I told you she’s a Tad-Polish.’

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I think my mum is going senile.

I just told her that my girlfriend is pregnant with my daughter.

She asked me, “Do you have a name?”

I said, “I’ve always had a name, for goodness sake, it’s me, David.”

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I Used To Be Quite Good At Wordplay. Once A Pun A Time!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Once a pun a time there was a blog that championed that element of humor called word play. You are about to read the latest batch of these puns right now.

So all that remains to be said is, enjoy!

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I walked into the boss’s office and handed him a pear.

“What’s this for?” He asked.

“A pay rise.” I replied.

“My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you.”

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The other day a friend of mine hit me with a chocolate bar.

How dairy!

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HMV to close sixty stores.

Is this the Vinyl Countdown?

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I won £10,000 on a scratchcard last week and the wife said

we should draw up a list of what to spend it on.

“Well, I’m going to book a holiday for one.”

“Oh goody” she screamed excitedly, “I can’t wait!”

Can’t help thinking she’s misunderstood what I said.

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I was reading through the ingredients for

a fruit salad I’m making today and it said:

“Pineapples: five cubed.”

I’m not sure though,

125 will probably be too many.

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My friend has no hands.

I feel for him.

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When I was young, my mum always used to hit me with the telephone.

I was always on the receiving end…..

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My calculator is missing the minus button,

but on the plus side, it still works.

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A gay guy asked me if I liked to blow people.

I told him I’m not a fan.

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I just hired a really uncomfortable car.

It Hertz like hell.

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I said to my friend, “I just watched that film about the Nazis.”

He said, “Oh what, the one with Adolf in?”

I said, “No mate, you’re thinking of ‘Flipper’, this was just about the Nazis.”

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I went house hunting at the weekend.

I went to see one house that had mirrors all over the walls.

I thought, “I can see myself living here.”

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I told my Chinese friend that I bought very cheap cigarettes

that were shipped in from a foreign country.

He said, “Is that Regal?”

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Why shouldn’t you buy Ukrainian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

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I was walking into my local pub,

when I suddenly realized it was darts night.

So I did a 180 and left.

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Our Brazilian housekeeper is rubbish at making the beds.

She’s very tidy downstairs though.            

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There was an unbelievably close finish

in this years “Shemale of the year” contest.

It was a Thai.        

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Everyone can put on their curriculum vitae

that they know a little Latin.

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I’ve got a fear of two-letter words.

I get scared just thinking about it.

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I turned to my wife last night and said,

“I’m into anal”.

She gave me a look of despair and glared at me as she said,

“Animal”.

I love it when we do the cryptic crossword together.

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