Remember, Remember The Fifth Of November.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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“Remember, remember the fifth of November,” is something that kids used to chant on this day in Britain as a memento of a character called Guy Fawkes, whose claim to immortality was that he tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament in London, England in what became known as the Gunpowder Plot.

portrait of Guy Fawkes

It all took place in 1605 and was a failed attempt to assassinate King James I of England and VI of Scotland by a group of provincial English Roman Catholics led by Robert Catesby.

They had planned to blow up the House of Lords during the State Opening of England’s Parliament on 5 November 1605, when the King would be certain to be in attendance. That event was then supposed to trigger a popular revolt in the English Midlands during which James’s nine-year-old daughter, Princess Elizabeth, was to be installed as the Roman Catholic head of state.

Catesby’s fellow plotters were John Wright, Thomas Wintour, Thomas Percy, Guy Fawkes, Robert Keyes, Thomas Bates, Robert Wintour, Christopher Wright, John Grant, Ambrose Rookwood, Sir Everard Digby and Francis Tresham.

Fawkes, who is remembered while most of the others have been forgotten, was a man with some military service and was therefore chosen to be in charge of the explosives.

The plot failed when an anonymous letter was sent to William Parker, 4th Baron Monteagle, on 26 October 1605 and a subsequent search of the House of Lords at midnight on 4 November 1605, revealed Guy Fawkes guarding 36 barrels of gunpowder.

He was arrested and in good conspiratorial fashion his comrades fled from London leaving him to face the consequences alone. One or two did try to make a stand against the pursuing Sheriff of Worcester and his men at a place called Holbeche House, and in the ensuing battle Catesby was one of those shot and killed.

At the trial of those who survived, held on 27 January 1606, eight conspirators, including Guy Fawkes, were convicted and sentenced to be hanged, drawn and quartered, a particularly cruel form of punishment used for traitors in those days. (Think of the final scenes from the Mel Gibson movie Braveheart and you will understand the gruesome process.)

Immediately before his execution on 31 January, Guy Fawkes jumped from the scaffold where he was to be hanged and broke his neck, thus avoiding the agony of the mutilation that followed.

The failure of the Gunpowder Plot was commemorated for many years afterwards by special sermons and other public events such as the ringing of church bells. This evolved into the present tradition of ‘Bonfire Night’ when effigies of Guy Fawkes are traditionally burned on bonfires, accompanied by fireworks. Many such displays which will be held throughout Britain later today.

Interestingly, the ‘anonymous’ face mask currently in use by many anti government groups is based on the visage of Guy Fawkes.

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Whoever Invented The Selfie Needs To Take A Good Look At Themselves.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And since it’s pun day again you need to take a good look at this latest batch.

Enjoy or endure!!!

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What do you call

a German on speaker phone?

Hans Free

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‘Sugar’

is the only word in the English language

in which the S, is pronounced ‘sh’.

I’m sure of that.

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My brother has had to

close down his archery business.

In the first 12 months 

he didn’t hit any of his targets .

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Ten years in the same job and

not once have I been in the boss’s office.

That’s what got me fired as a cleaner.

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Just been mugged and beaten up.

I tried to defend myself with a drawing pin.

Turns out a tac isn’t the best form of defense after all.

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Before we split up, my wife

was obsessed with horoscopes.

I’m sure that’s what Taurus apart.

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I was on the freeway when a guy driving in the other direction

started flashing his lights, beeping his horn and screaming,

“You’re going the wrong way!”

What an idiot.

He didn’t even know where I was going.

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What has a pee at

the end of a tram?

A tramp.

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Breaking News:

Man arrested over missing woman

Imagine if he’d hit her???

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Adoption jokes –

There’s never a good time to tell them.

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I don’t approve of my girlfriend’s one night stand.

Why should she be the only one with

somewhere to put a bedside lamp.

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I threw three DVDs at exactly the same time

to see which one would hit the wall first.

It was a discrace.

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My wife called me into the bathroom

and asked me to wash her back.

I don’t remember her

washing me in the first place.

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Erectile dysfunction;

just when you thought

it couldn’t get any harder.

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My wife, Lorraine, has just found out that 

I have been cheating on her with Clara next door.

Last night, she packed her things and left.

I can see Clara now, Lorraine has gone.

Take it away Johnny….

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April Fools!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I know it’s June but you will see later why the title says April. The fools bit is appropriate all year round for these guys as will also become clear.

Now for the story.

A cunning master criminal and his accomplice were caught after a burglary attempt at a place of business in Maplewood, Minnesota, thanks to an alert police dispatcher and a real dumb-ass criminal.

As a result Todd J. Weiss 32, from Minnetonka and his sidekick Justin G. Evans, 38, from Savage, were arrested at the scene. Both face third-degree felony burglary charges.

The incident took place around 4:45 a.m. April 1 (Fools Day appropriately enough, hence the title).

Maplewood Police Chief Paul Schnell said a 911 dispatcher first got a call and hang-up, then another call from the same number.

The second time, the call stayed open. The dispatcher overheard pieces of a conversation about where police were and the dangers of getting caught.

“If it goes off, they are right across the street,” one of the men said, according to the charges.

Police Chief Schnell said it was “pretty clear based on some of that conversation that this was a burglary”.

The phone had been in Weiss’s pocket and whatever he was doing at the time, he had inadvertently pressed the phone’s emergency-call feature, twice!!

As with all 911 calls, the dispatcher could see the location of the caller, in this case a car-repair shop at White Bear Avenue and County Road D.

Officers arrived to see the two men leaving the building wearing dark clothing, the charges said. One was carrying a television, the other a box.

Upon seeing the officers, the men dropped their booty and ran for it. Officers ordered them to stop, then sent police dogs to nab them.

Weiss refused to speak to police after he was read his Miranda rights. Evans said he had taken more than a dozen Xanax and the police report confirmed that he “appeared to be under the influence of the substance”.

He denied being inside the business, saying he was outside behind nearby apartments having relations with his girlfriend.

Both men’s criminal histories include burglary and theft, according to Minnesota court records.

Police Chief Schnell rightly praised the 911 operator, but it has to be said that morons like these who phone 911 while burglarizing a property make it a bit too easy for the cops to catch them.

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Todd Joseph Weiss

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It Takes Guts To Go To Weight Watchers.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And it takes guts to publish some of these word play jokes.

So strap yourselves in for another wicked selection.

Enjoy or endure!

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My girlfriend keeps telling me that making

clothes based puns is really not funny.

Corset is!

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My teacher asked the class,

“Can anybody name a sport that starts with a ‘T’?”

I said “Yes, golf.”

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My son asked me where the most

dangerous place on earth is.

I’m stuck between Iraq Kandahar place.

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I was speaking to a man from Syria today and he said,

“In my country, bear fighting is the most popular sport.”

“That’s revolting.” I replied.

“No,” he said. “That’s our second most popular.”

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Teacher: “In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.”

Sammy : “You can’t fool me, Teacher…

snakes don’t have feet.”

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A woman screamed, “No means no!” at me today.

I left soon after.

It was the shortest Spanish lesson I’d ever had.

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I saved loads of cash on the new over-priced iPhone yesterday.

I didn’t buy one.

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A note left for a pianist from his wife

“Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet.”

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About to microwave some fruit.

Getting ready for a hot date.

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I got arrested yesterday for stealing hay from a farmer.

I’ve been refused bale.

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When my wife told me Scandinavian languages

don’t have the letter ‘R’ I immediately thought…

No way!

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I’ve often wondered why it is called ‘Mooning’

when you’re actually showing ‘Uranus’?

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As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.

It gives me the E B G B s

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I heard someone say that nothing rhymes with orange.

No it doesn’t!

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I used to live in a small town in Spain called Macarena.

But I don’t like to make a song and dance about it.

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The Stupidest Car Thief In The World.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In Britain and some other countries, vehicles with automatic transmission are the exception rather than the rule. It tends to come as standard only on the high-end cars and SUVs. I’m not sure whether this is a result of tradition, or stupidity, or maybe even stupid tradition, but it’s how things are.

In many other countries, however, including the United States of America, automatic transmission on vehicles is standard.

So what has this got to do with stupid criminals you may ask?

Well, the answer is that cars get stolen. A lot of them. Every day.

And every so often, you’ll hear about a dumb car thief in America who got completely stumped in their criminal career because they didn’t know how to operate a manual transmission.

But 19-year-old Jasmine Hernandez from Phoenix was different.

She wasn’t dumb. She was VERY dumb!

One Saturday evening, a man was dropping off his kids at a home to visit friends and he left his car running on the driveway while he went inside with the youngsters.

When he returned outside again, he heard his engine revving and saw that a woman, Jasmine, was in the driver’s seat of his car.

The owner of the vehicle opened the door in an attempt to prevent her from getting away and saw that she was frantically using the levers that adjust the lights and windshield wipers in an attempt to put the car into drive.

Poor Jasmine had no idea how to operate the transmission because she was apparently unaware that some vehicles  –  in fact, many, many vehicles  –  don’t have column-mounted shifters.

The rest of the story is easy to guess.

The owner of the vehicle was able to pull Hernandez out and detain her until police arrived.

Police discovered Hernandez had a warrant out for her arrest for aggravated assault and arrested her on those charges.

Her attempt at becoming a car thief was apparently so bad that police haven’t even charged her with that crime.

And that is the story of Jasmine Hernandez, the stupidest car thief in the world!

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It’s Not A Crime To Be A Complete Idiot – Although It Should Be!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Evelyn Hamilton is 37 years old.

She is from Lufkin, Texas.

And she is a complete idiot.

She’s also in jail because she is a complete idiot.

Not that being a complete idiot is a crime – although it should be.

Instead Evelyn Hamilton is in jail because her feeble brain told her to call the East Texas police to complain about

–  wait fot it  – 

the quality of the marijuana she had purchased from a dealer!

Apparently the dealer had refused to return her money when she complained, so in her empty head, phoning the police about him would get him into trouble, but not her.

But when Sgt. David Casper went to her house after the call to the police, and asks her if she was still in possession of the drugs, he says she pulled the small amount of marijuana from her bra.

More of a smoke than a smoking gun, I grant you, but the Sergeant arrested her anyway on a charge of possession of drug paraphernalia.

Good one Evelyn!

 

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Did You Know? It’s Another Fabulous Fasab Fact Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes folks, another fabulous fasab fact day.

Another random dive into the archives. I’m just as surprised as anyone else with what comes out.

I hope you enjoy.

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In 2012 Wallace Weatherholt, a Florida airboat captain

whose hand was bitten off by a 9-foot alligator,

was arrested and charged

with unlawfully feeding an alligator!

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The more you talk about a person to others,

the more you fall in love with that person.

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Adidas was founded by a former member of the Nazi Party, Adolf Dassler.

Adi was a nickname and ‘das’ the first 3 letters of his last name.

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There are about 7,000 languages in the world.

There are about 2,200 languages in Asia.

1/4 of the world’s population speaks at least some English.

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There are 12 imaginary languages in Lord of The Rings.

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The numbers ‘172’ can be found

on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill

in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.

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In 1221 Ghengis Khan killed 1,748,000

people at Nishapur in one hour.

(I think he had help!)

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The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottles represents the

number of varieties of pickles the company once had.

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There are more politicians in the US

than there are Pandas in the world.

(Were it the other way round I reckon

the country would be in a better condition!)

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There is a Titanic II currently being built as a replica

and successor of the ill-fated Olympic-class RMS Titanic.

The project was announced by Australian billionaire Clive Palmer

in April 2012, as the flagship of his cruise company Blue Star Line,

with an intended launch date in 2016.

The ship’s inaugural voyage will be the same as that of the

original Titanic, from Southampton to New York.

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Diet Coke was only invented in 1982.

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The most expensive cow in the world is Missy,

a three year old black and white Holstein cow from Canada,

sold for $1.2 million dollars

at the Morsan Road to the Royal Sale in Uxbridge, Ontario.

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It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time

that the King James Version of the Bible was written.

In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake

and the 46th word from the last word is spear.

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“Karaoke” means “empty orchestra” in Japanese.

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The man who provided the voice of cartoon legend Bugs Bunny,

Mel Blanc, was in a serious car accident and was in a coma.

After many unsuccessful attempts to get him to talk,

a doctor asked “Bugs can you her me?”

to which Mel responded in the voice of Bugs Bunny,

“What’s up doc?”

The doctors used this to lead him out of the coma.

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The Universe Implodes. No Matter!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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No matter perhaps, but still time for a bit more word play today.

Another selection of puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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Never borrow money from a loan shark.

It`ll cost you an arm and a leg.

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I’m not a doctor but I can give you the cause

of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.

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What do you call an Arab who’s just had

a shower and can’t find a towel?

Sheikh Yusself Dry.

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Scientists have today found a correlation between

household income and academic performance.

Poor students can’t pay attention.

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If Greenpeace pirates board your boat,

Do they make you walk the plankton?

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Did you hear about the guy who was arrested

for stealing training wheels from kids bikes in the Middle East.

They charged him with further destabilizing the area.

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Rumors of a food shortage at this year’s Spoonerism Awards

turned out to be a complete lack of pies.

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As I watched a young woman expressing herself on the dance floor,

I thought, “I know breast milk is the best thing for a baby,

but surely there’s a time and place.”

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My friend Jonny has a new girlfriend who is a

Native American prostitute who speaks rhyming lyrics.

She’s Arapaho.

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I was bullied all the time in school,

that’s what happens when you are

learning how to be a matador.

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I don’t do innuendos,

but slipping alternative names for poo

into sentences is something I do do.

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I walked in on a guy stealing money

from peoples’ bank cards online

He looked at me worried, but I told him

‘Don’t stop on my account’

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My friend keeps making fun of me because I’m scared of heights.

Next time he does it, I’ll tell him vertigo.

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When I got through reception in prison,

they said I was to share with two guys

who were the toughest cons in the prison.

It was obvious to me right from the start,

they were giving me the hard cell.

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I’m trying to give up sexual innuendos

..but its hard ..so hard ..

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Exit Signs Are On The Way Out!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Exit signs may well be on the way out, but thankfully a bit of word play isn’t.

Welcome to pun day.

Enjoy or endure!

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Isn’t it odd that the word “sneaky”

doesn’t have some silent letters in it?

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Every time the fishmonger lost his knife it always

turned up in the last plaice he looked.

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Bill: “I think my decision to become a vegetarian

was definitely a missed steak.”

Ted: “I couldn’t agree more.

Perhaps we’ll meat again some day.”

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You know, when you think about it,

velcro is a rip off.

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Did you hear about the new porn search engine?

It’s called “go ogle”.

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I had my paper ripped up in front of me

and was thrown out of my Xerox Engineers’ exam today.

One of the invigilators caught me not copying.

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I’ve broken a few hearts in my day,

which turned out to be a good thing.

It made me realize that being a

cardiologist just wasn’t my thing.

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Psychologists say that the left half of the brain

is responsible for kleptomania and numeracy.

So it really is the taking part that counts

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A gold nugget walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “A U get the hell outta here”

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Did you hear about the contortionist

who got arrested for indecent exposure.

He’s worried he’ll have it hanging over

his head for the rest of his life.

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There was a knock on my door and when

I opened it a pollster was outside.

She said, “Do you like tents?”

“No,” I replied. “Why?”

“Well,” she said. “We’re canvassing the whole area.”

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I’ve just seen some new door bells in the

January sales at prices you just can’t knock.

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My friend was telling me that this Christmas just passed,

his girlfriend got naked, covered herself in wrapping paper,

and waited for him on his bed.

What a great way to present yourself.

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My wife said I needed to bond with my son.

So I had him make me a martini, shaken, not stirred.

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One of our friends has been dressing up as ‘Wolverine’

every day for the last week and we’re getting a bit worried about him.

I asked him if he thought he really was ‘Wolverine’.

“Nah.” he said. “It’s just a huge act, man”.

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Raw toast is an ideal bread substitute.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Word play day, or more puns if you like that description better.

Endure or enjoy, preferably the latter!

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“Let’s order some Chinese.”

“To do what?”

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I remember in 1995 when I went to an Oasis gig with my sister and my brother.

When the band came on stage I shouted, “Go Oasis.”

I never saw my sister after that.

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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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I went into the hardware store and said,

“These shelves you sold me are useless. I couldn’t even…”

The cashier said, “Put ’em up?”

I said, “Okay, you wanna fight about it? Come on then!”

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I was taking some notes the other day,

when I was arrested and escorted from the bank.

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I’ve just started a new job at the local slaughterhouse, stunning cows.

…And some of the sheep are pretty good looking too.

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Did you hear about the neo Nazi builder?

He liked to drill with the bosch.

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As I stood on the tube this morning I thought to myself,

“My pringles are getting crushed”

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My Pokemon card collection was destroyed in a fire.

I’ve only got Ash now.

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I was perfectly happy in Mississippi,

Then Mr Sippi came back early from his business trip.

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I love watching videos of lakes and rivers on the internet.

I’m viewing a live stream right now.

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My friend said he met a prostitute who connected a battery charger to his bits.

I said, “Woweee, how much did she charge you?”

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Two pencils decided to have a race.

They drew.

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My friend said he’s going to set a new standard in pubs

by opening one on the top of a mountain.

Personally, I think he’s raised the bar too high.

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Tattoos are great for preserving memories,

otherwise I would have totally forgotten about those anchors.

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