Plant Puns: Weed ‘Em And Reap!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Not really a day of plant puns, but it is Pun Day, so you might want to weep anyway.

You know the drill (little gardening pun there).

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Teacher: If you were a great composer,

where would you live?

Boy: In A Flat.

Jimi Hendrix's flat

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I missed today’s Hairdressing Championships,

can anyone tell me if there were any highlights?

Hairdressing Championships

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The World Health Organization has

just announced its new slogan.

“WHO cares”.

WHO cares

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My teacher said I was average,

I told him that’s just mean.

average and mean

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I used to be a gold prospector,

but it didn’t pan out.

gold prospector

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I’ve written my own political manifesto

but I haven’t used one single upper-case letter.

I’m not a capitalist.

lower-case letter

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Men with gender issues have it tough in the UK,

I’m sure they’d love to be a broad.

Men with gender issues

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I wrote some new hymns for the congregation

to sing at my local church and the

Vicar says everybody loves them.

They can’t stop singing my praises.

hymns for the congregation

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I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub.

He seemed like a decent feller.

lumberjack

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If you want to be a coroner be

prepared for a stiff examination.

coroner

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My friend is a real Don Juan with the ladies.

The ladies Don Juan anything to do with him.

Don Juan with the ladies

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When I was in the army I reckoned all

officers higher up that Colonels are assholes.

But I hate when people Generalize.

Generals

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I’ve never seen a flamenco dancer,

but those Spaniards must be clever

to train a bird of that size.

flamingo dancer

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My wife is trying to wind me up

with jibes about my impotence.

I’m not rising to that.

jibes about my impotence

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I didn’t want to go to the

“I Love The 80s” fancy dress party,

but my friend was adamant.

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J.F.K.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Fifty-one years ago today the United States 35th President, John F Kennedy, was assassinated at Dealy Plaza, in Dallas, Texas. We all know the story and the various conspiracy theories that have been written about ad nauseam over the past half century so this post is not about that.

Rather it is about one of the legacies of the JFK name, the USS John F Kennedy, the only ship of her class (a variant of the Kitty Hawk class of aircraft carrier) and the last conventionally powered carrier built for the United States Navy.

Although it was retired in 2007 after nearly 40 years of service in the United States Navy, the Kennedy was a very impressive ship. For those who like the details it measures 1,052 feet long, has a beam of 130 feet, and draws 37 feet of water. The flight deck is 1,046 feet by 252 feet.

The JFK displaces 81,430 tons at full load and her compliment is 155 officers, 2,775 enlisted (ship’s company), and 2,160 enlisted and 320 officers (embarked air wing).

it’s top speed is 32 knots, and her cruising speed is 20 knots. The operational range at 30 knots is 4,000 miles while the maximum cruising range is 12,000 miles.

USS JFK is equipped with 4 aircraft elevators and features 4 steam-powered catapults and 4 arresting wires. The carrier was capable of launching and recovering aircraft simultaneously and could embark 80+ aircraft, depending on mission requirements.

Aircraft on board included 56 F/A-18 hornet strike fighters, 6 S-3B Viking ASW aircraft, 4 EA-6B Prowler offensive electronic warfare aircraft, 4 E-2C Hawkeye electronic early warning aircraft, 2 ES-3A Shadow electronic warfare (SIGINT) aircraft, 4 SH-60F Seahawk ASW helicopters, and 2 HH-60H Seahawk combat search and rescue aircraft.

Its armaments included two Mk 29 Sea Sparrow Guided Missile Launch Systems, two RAM (Rolling Airframe Missile) systems, and two Mk 15 Phalanx 20mm CIWS (Close In Weapon System.)

During it’s service it was stationed some of the time in the Mediterranean area.

If you have never seen one of these babies up close and personal and wanted to get an idea of just how big and impressive they are have a look at the aeriel photograph below, taken as the JFK berthed at the island of Malta.

Compared to the houses, cars and people you can see in the shot I’m not sure the word ‘big’ is big enough to describe it.

I mean I wouldn’t want to mess with it. Would you?

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uss jfk in malta

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E-mail Is Post, Modern.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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E-mail is post, modern – get it?

Yes, it’s pun day again.

Enjoy!

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rofl

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The poet had written better poems,

but he’d also written verse.

poetry_butcher_colour_new

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Those who get too big for their britches

will be exposed in the end.

ripped pants

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“This must be an aerobics class!”

the blonde worked out at the gym.

step aerobics

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When the doctor told him he was missing 

a left ventricle and a left aorta 

the patient laughed half-heartedly.

half_hearted

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I’ve got some good advice for the camera shy.

Use coconuts instead.

cartoon-coconut-joke

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I like European food so I decided to Russia over there

because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu

I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished

I told the waiter, Spain good,

but there is Norway I could eat another bite

europe_map_political

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Those who study the moon are optimists

– they look at the bright side.

moon bright dark sides

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To learn rope tricks you have to be taut.

rope trick

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You know, vultures can make really good comedy actors.

I really loved them in those old “Carrion” movies.

vulture

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When a skunk walked in, the judge said,

‘odor in the court’.

Skunk

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How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?

Dyslexic-CPR

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I had an accident in chemistry class yesterday

when I spilled some sodium chloride

and sulphuric acid over myself.

It was terrible.

I didn’t know how to react.

chemistry class

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I’ve just gone into the bedroom

and someone’s stolen my bed.

Honestly.

I’m not lying.

empty-master-bedroom

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My friends tell me that I’m terrible at telling jokes.

I always punch up the mess line.

spitzer_punchline

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The phone rings, and the wife answers it.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,

“I bet you have a tight ass with no hair.”

Woman replies, “Yes, he’s watching TV – who shall I say is calling?”

woman-in-curlers-and-her-robe-answering-a-phone-call-by-ron-leishman-16781

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Feeling Smart? Good, Coz It’s Quiz Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another random selection of questions in today’s quiz.

This has become quite a long running feature on the fasab blog. I enjoy putting them together, I hope you all continue to enjoy trying them out.

As always you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below – but NO cheating! 

Enjoy.

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puzzle

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Q.  1:  What is Bugs Bunny’s catchphrase?

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Q.  2:  Where in the USA is the Sonoma wine growing region?

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Q.  3:  Which sad word stems from the combined Greek words for goat and song?

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Q.  4:  In ‘Star Trek’, from which planet did Spock’s mother come?

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Q.  5:  Which animal is not a Chinese year? 

    a. Ox    b. Crow    c. Hare    d. Goat

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Q.  6:  Who is the only American President to have served non-consecutive terms in office?

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Q.  7:  Thomas Selfridge was the first fatality in a plane crash. Who was the pilot?

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Q.  8:  In which American town or city was the ‘Little House On The Prairie’ TV series set?

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Q.  9:  If you saw ‘canard’ on a French Menu, what type of meat would be on offer?

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Q. 10:  Which historical character did Errol Flynn play in the 1941 movie ‘They Died With Their Boots On’?

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Q. 11:  Whose face is said to have launched a thousand ships?

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Q. 12:  Who directed ‘Jaws’, ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ and ‘ET’?

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Q. 13:  What are the three styles of port? (a point for each)

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Q. 14:  Which country has special tea houses and is famous for it’s elaborate tea ceremonies?

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Q. 15:  Jack Bauer and Aaron Pierce are the only two characters that have appeared in seven seasons of the TV series ‘24’. What does Aaron Pierce do for a living?

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Q. 16:  Alan Shepard was the first man to do what?

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Q. 17:  Plus or minus 10, what percentage of the life forms on earth live in the oceans and seas?

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Q. 18:  The car in the ‘Knightrider’ series was called ‘KITT’. What does this acronym stand for?

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Q. 19:  Who sucked apple sauce to become the first American to eat in space?

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Q. 20:  The Academy Award winning song ‘When You Wish Upon A Star’ was written for which classic 1940 movie?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What is Bugs Bunny’s catchphrase?

A.  1:  ‘Whats Up Doc?’

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Q.  2:  Where in the USA is the Sonoma wine growing region?

A.  2:  California

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Q.  3:  Which sad word stems from the combined Greek words for goat and song?

A.  3:  Tragedy

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Q.  4:  In ‘Star Trek’, from which planet did Spock’s mother come?

A.  4:  Earth

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Q.  5:  Which animal is not a Chinese year? 

    a. Ox    b. Crow    c. Hare    d. Goat

A.  5:  b. Crow

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Q.  6:  Who is the only American President to have served non-consecutive terms in office?

A.  6:  Grover Cleveland

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Q.  7:  Thomas Selfridge was the first fatality in a plane crash. Who was the pilot?

A.  7:  Orville Wright

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Q.  8:  In which American town or city was the ‘Little House On The Prairie’ TV series set?

A.  8:  Walnut Grove

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Q.  9:  If you saw ‘canard’ on a French Menu, what type of meat would be on offer?

A.  9:  Duck

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Q. 10:  Which historical character did Errol Flynn play in the 1941 movie ‘They Died With Their Boots On’?

A. 10:  General Custer

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Q. 11:  Whose face is said to have launched a thousand ships?

A. 11:  Helen of Troy

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Q. 12:  Who directed ‘Jaws’, ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ and ‘ET’?

A. 12:  Steven Spielberg

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Q. 13:  What are the three styles of port? (a point for each)

A. 13:  Ruby, tawny and vintage

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Q. 14:  Which country has special tea houses and is famous for it’s elaborate tea ceremonies?

A. 14:  Japan

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Q. 15:  Jack Bauer and Aaron Pierce are the only two characters that have appeared in seven seasons of the TV series ‘24’. What does Aaron Pierce do for a living?

A. 15:  Secret Service agent

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Q. 16:  Alan Shepard was the first man to do what?

A. 16:  Hit a golf ball on the moon

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Q. 17:  Plus or minus 10, what percentage of the life forms on earth live in the oceans and seas?

A. 17:  Circa 90%

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Q. 18:  The car in the ‘Knightrider’ series was called ‘KITT’. What does this acronym stand for?

A. 18:  Knight Industries Two Thousand

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Q. 19:  Who sucked apple sauce to become the first American to eat in space?

A. 19:  John Glenn

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Q. 20:  The Academy Award winning song ‘When You Wish Upon A Star’ was written for which classic 1940 movie?

A. 20:  Pinocchio

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