Many stupid crimes happen every day. And most of them are committed by stupid criminals.
Unfortunately most of the stories we never get to hear about, but occasionally we do.
Like this one, which must rank as one of the dumbest ever!
It happened in a place called Mullins, SC. The perpetrator, or would-be perpetrator, was a ‘genius’ called Laquain Deshawn Guy and he had the idea that he would rob an Arby’s fast food restaurant.
Lots of cash in there, he thought, not considering that most of the takings would be banked at the end of business.
That was his first mistake.
His second was failing to break into the restaurant using either a back door or a window.
No, this genius had a better idea.
He thought he would climb on to the roof of the building and gain entrance through the ventilation shaft. That is the story told by Captain Joe Graham with the Mullins police and I see no reason at all to doubt him.
The main reason being that criminal mastermind Laquain Deshawn Guy found to his surprise that he didn’t fit the ventilation shaft – and promptly wedged himself in there just as tight as he could.
The more he struggled the worse it got.
Man, was he stuck!
And he remained stuck for the next ten hours, until an Arby’s employee was opening the business Tuesday morning and he heard “noises”. I like to think that the noises were the farts being squeezed out of him as he got wedged in tighter and tighter, but nobody will confirm this.
The employee immediately called the police and that’s when they realized that the strange noises were coming from the very stuck Laquain still wedged inside the shaft.
Mullins Fire and Rescue eventually freed the idiot by cutting the ventilation pipe and pulling him through the roof, where he emerged dehydrated and with some muscle damage.
Crews then lowered him down and onto a stretcher and took him to hospital where he spent a few days before facing charges of Burglary Second Degree.
It’s not often that I post twice in one day. I did the funny post earlier but there is something else that I want to say and today is the day to say it. Strap yourselves in!
I don’t remember where I was when JKF was shot. It was a bit too far back in time for me to be worrying about such things. I do remember where I was when I saw my first movie about the assassination, though. I was in a cinema. The movie was called Executive Action and starred Burt Lancaster. Some critics panned it at the time but I thought it was very good, based on a conspiracy theme naturally enough. I actually thought it was better that Stone’s acclaimed effort, ‘JFK’, made many years later.
I also remember where I was this day eleven years ago. It was the day that the world changed for ever and I was sitting in my study at home battling with a few spreadsheets for a business plan I was putting together. The TV was on in the background and the normal programs suddenly cut to what was happening in New York.
Of course that was the end of my spreadsheets for the day. I became totally enthralled in the news coverage which was to say the least confused. By that time the first tower was belching out a steady stream of smoke. It was clearly on fire and had been very badly damaged.
The reporters were speculating as to what may have been the cause. They talked about ‘accidents’ and eyewitness reports of a small private aircraft hitting the building. But, to anyone with any wit at all, it had to have been much more than a small airplane to do that amount of damage to a building that huge.
Then, as I continued to watch, the second plane hit the other tower. Some of the reporters still could not come to grips with what was happening. The second plane was clearly a large commercial jet and, equally clearly, it had been flown deliberately into the second tower.
This was the real deal. And all of the multi-billion dollar military/intelligence defense network had been caught with their trousers down round their collective ankles.
A massive terror attack was in progress and we were able to watch it in real time on our televisions. It was at the same time mesmerizing, engrossing and, not least, horrifying.
The horrific nature of what had happened became clearer when everyone began to realize that, not only had many innocent people probably lost their lives when the airplanes had struck the buildings, but also that there was little or no hope of saving those on the floors above where the impact had occurred. It got even worse when some of the trapped people threw themselves out of the building and could been seen falling to the ground and to certain death.
Emergency services rushed to the scene. Many acts of extreme bravery followed as police and firefighters went into the burning buildings with little or no regard for their own safety. I can’t say this for sure, but I imagine at least some of them knew there was little chance they would get back out again. But they did it anyway.
Then we heard that the Pentagon had been the target of a further attack and yet another airplane, also bound we were told for the Washington DC area, had gone down somewhere en route.
In all 2,977 people were murdered as a result of the terrorist attacks that morning.
We know who was responsible for the attacks. We know that many of their terrorist comrades, including the figurehead Bin Laden, have since been killed. And we know the terrible cost in terms of lost lives and serious injuries to the various armed forces who were sent to do that job.
September 11 is now officially ‘Patriot Day’, a day of remembrance. And we should all take at least a moment in honor of the victims.
Sadly the aftermath of these terrorist attacks eleven years ago brought only knee-jerk reactions from jerk politicians. They had the audacity to call it the Patriot Act, but it attacks the freedom of innocent law-abiding citizens just as much as it does the terrorists and criminals.
Contaminated by the hellish liberal inspired ‘guilt’ that now pervades all government decisions and means that it is no longer perceived as acceptable if we take our own side in a fight, a raft of idiotic, unnecessary and unfair legislation has, and is, being enacted.
This is being done in the name of defending the homeland, but unwilling to only target the national, ethnic or religious groups who are responsible for the vast majority of the terror, poor old law-abiding Joe Public gets targeted as well.
Everyone is now guilty until they can prove their innocence. Get on an airplane at an airport and you are treated as a potential terrorist and irradiated and probed and so forth. Open a bank account and you are treated as a potential terrorist trying to launder money – despite the fact that it was the banks themselves who were doing that job.
It’s not that any of this is a great hardship. It’s just that it is completely unnecessary and unproductive. It is the typical politician’s and bureaucrat’s way of trying to con the populace by substituting activity for real progress.
A lot of potential terrorist attacks in America and elsewhere have been thwarted during the past eleven years, but not one of them as a result of all the overt claptrap at airports and so forth.
Will it change? Will sanity and intelligence take over?
Not a chance.
Will it get worse? Will the bureaucrats’ hunger for control and interference increase?
Of course it will, regardless of whether the regime is Republicrat or Democrican.
So who really did win?
The terrorists may well have lost, but the people certainly didn’t win!
On 1st April 2001, in New York, a literary agent, named Frank, found himself dazed and patting out flames shortly after arriving at a two-alarm house fire equipped with a sandwich, a bullhorn, whiskey and a lawnchair.
The trouble started when Frank climbed on to the roof of a nearby house, perched on his lawnchair, and proceeded to lecture the startled emergency crew while enjoying his drink.
Three firemen had just finished clearing the house, locating the residents’ young golden retriever in the process, when they heard Frank’s imperious command.
“Drop the dog and open the hydrant this instant!”
They turned in surprise and in fact did drop the unfortunate yelping puppy, which fell through the burning timbers and burst into flames.
Outraged onlookers then mobbed the base of heckler Frank’s house and threw cans and shrubbery at the obstreperous critic, who batted the projectiles aside with his bullhorn while continuing to drink whiskey and issue commands, including…
“The north side is engaged!”
“Position the hose along the azalea bushes!”
“Stop picking your nose!”
Sorely provoked, the senior fireman, currently on administrative leave, picked up the dead (but still burning) dog and flung it onto the roof where Frank was barking out his commands.
The flaming animal landed in Frank’s lap, igniting his spilled whiskey and severely burning his man-part area.
Frank heaved the dog off himself, but neglected to brace his feet on the slanted roof. He and the lawnchair toppled and fell from the house, miraculously avoiding onlookers, who watched aghast while the prostrate man suffered further injuries from falling embers and his own roof-top accoutrements.
The house fire was eventually subdued, and paramedics transported the injured man and his loudspeaker to the hospital. Although he is recovering from his injuries, the prognosis is that he will never again be able to procreate with quite the same gusto, which is probably a blessing for the rest of humanity.
Neighbors have set up a Memorial Fund for the golden retriever. Apparently photographs of the man-shaped depression in the lawn are available upon request.
A bit out of character for this blog perhaps, but I admire people who do things that are just that little bit above and beyond the call of duty.
Today, however, you could say that “normal service” has been resumed. You could probably tell from the title, “Hard Luck Mr Scott, The Romance May Dead But Your Wife Isn’t!“.
This is a story about another Englishman. This time a Mr Peter Scott from Southsea who has gone down in history as the least successful husband at trying to murder his wife!
All in all Mr Scott made seven attempts to kill his wife.
And the strangest thing of all was that she never once noticed that anything was wrong.
It all started in 1980 when he took out an insurance policy on his good lady that would pay out a quarter of a million British pounds in the event of her accidental death.
Shortly afterward, he made his first attempt to cash in when he placed a lethal dose of mercury in her strawberry flan. Unfortunately for Mr Scott the heavy mercury all rolled out.
Strike attempt # 1.
However, not wishing to waste this deadly substance, he next stuffed a mackerel with the entire contents of the bottle. This time, to his delight, his wife ate it, but, to his dismay, with no side effects whatsoever.
Strike attempt # 2.
Warming to the task, he then took his better half on holiday to Yugoslavia. Recommending the panoramic views, he invited her to sit on the edge of a cliff, but she declined to do so, prompted by what she later described as some “sixth sense.”
Strike attempt # 3.
He tried the same type of thing a few weeks later when he urged her to enjoy the view from Beachy Head, the famous 500 feet high chalk headland in the south of England.
Strike attempt # 4.
Then, when his spouse was in bed with chicken-pox he started a fire outside her bedroom door, but some interfering busybody put it out.
Strike attempt # 5.
Undeterred, Mr Scott started another fire but only succeeded in burning down the entire apartment. The target of his arsonist adventures escaped uninjured.
Strike attempt # 6.
On yet another occasion he asked her to stand in the middle of the road so that he could drive toward her and check if his brakes were working.
Strike attempt # 7.
Unbelievably, at no time did Mrs. Scott feel that the magic had gone out of their marriage. She must have been sooooo dumb!
Finally, since it appeared that nothing short of a small nuclear bomb would have alerted this good woman to her husband’s intentions, he eventually gave up and confessed everything to the police.
After the case, a detective said Mrs. Scott had been “absolutely shattered” when told of her husband’s plot to kill her.
We’ve touched on this subject before but there are far, far too many idiots allowed to be put in charge of motor vehicles. Inevitably these morons at one time or more end up crashing, sometimes it is a solo effort, at other times they take some other unfortunate with them.
However it happens, the inevitable result as well as the police becoming involved is that the insurance companies are quickly brought on board to fight the cases.
Here are a few descriptions given by some intellectually challenged drivers to their insurance companies trying to explain the mayhem that they had caused.
Poor doggie. You’ll see what I mean.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I saw two kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sunroof.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
A relative quick and funny post for the start of a new week. Always helps a bit to add a bit of humor to Mondays, I think.
This one is about 911 emergency calls. You would imagine that 911 calls would be made by serious people about serious events, that’s what the lines are set up for. But also because of their nature you don’t have to be qualified to use them.
When the intellectually challenged make a 911 call, the results are just about the same I reckon as when they make ordinary calls – unbelievable!
Here are a few examples.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
– – – – – – – – –
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!
– – – – – – – – – –
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’ m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
– – – – – – – – – –
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
– – – – – – – – – –
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath… Darn……I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police
– – – – – – – – – –
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don’t know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I’ve never cooked one before.
– – – – – – – – – –
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering…does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I’ve spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and… well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Then there was the case of Alison Hume, a 44 year old mother who had fallen 45 feet down an abandoned mine shaft, part of a coal mine that closed in 1926. It happened at 11.30pm while she had been taking a shortcut home across a field near Galston in Ayrshire, Scotland after visiting friends in July 2008.
She was found by her teenage daughter. Strathclyde Fire and Rescue Service were called and when they arrived fireman Alexander Dunn was lowered to the bottom of the shaft. Mrs Hume was still conscious but had a collapsed lung, several broken ribs and a broken sternum.
A paramedic was strapped up in a harness ready to follow to give emergency medical aid.
However, before the paramedic could render assistance, group commander Paul Stewart arrived as a “media relations officer”. He assumed command after realising he was the most senior officer there. (Know the type? A moron, with no common sense, in a job he is not capable of doing.)
Stewart’s first move was to stop the paramedic from being lowered down the mine shaft. He also refused to allow colleagues to rescue Mrs Hume using ropes because (you’ve heard this one before) “they had not received the correct training”.
Mr Stewart feared they could be sued if the mission failed – in other words, this cretin cared much more about keeping his job than he did about doing his job and saving Mrs Hume, a member of the public who it was his duty as part of the emergency services to help.
Incredibly – or maybe not – this moron Stewart later told a fatal accident inquiry that the operation had a “successful outcome” because the casualty was ultimately removed from the shaft. Mrs Hume was lifted out but died shortly afterwards from a heart attack brought on by hypothermia.
Also incredibly – or again maybe not – instead of being fired (unfortunately you cannot be jailed even for this degree of stupidity), moron Stewart is still with Strathclyde Fire and Rescue Service and is actually on the waiting list for promotion to divisional commander!
In the fatal inquiry report Sheriff Desmond Leslie said Mrs Hume might have survived if she had been removed sooner, and that Mr Stewart and colleague William Thomson were “focused on self-justification for the action or non-action taken by them” and did not reflect on lessons that could be learned from the tragedy. The sheriff added: “I found their evidence bullish, if not arrogant.
When you put morons in positions of responsibility for which they are clearly not fit, you will invariably get decisions that use regulations as excuse for failure, rather than a reason for success.
Of course, morons like Stewart would not have the luxury of hiding behind stupid rules if the bureaucrats didn’t make the stupid rules in the first place. Former watch commander John Bowman – who had been ordered to rewrite the rule book on rope rescues weeks before the tragedy – said as much when he spoke out against his former employers. Mr Bowman had warned bosses that changing the rules to prevent firemen using ropes to rescue people was “a disaster waiting to happen”.
He said: ‘Many incidents you go to in the brigade don’t end with a successful resolution. Sometimes the person can be dead before you get there, sometimes you just can’t help people. This was not the case for Mrs Hume. It’s not the fire service’s finest hour.’
You can say that again!
But sadly a moron like Stewart will never realize it!!
Have you had similar experiences? Send them along. Let the world know what is happening before it is too late.