Plant Puns: Weed ‘Em And Reap!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Not really a day of plant puns, but it is Pun Day, so you might want to weep anyway.

You know the drill (little gardening pun there).

Enjoy or endure!

.

.

Teacher: If you were a great composer,

where would you live?

Boy: In A Flat.

.

.

I missed today’s Hairdressing Championships,

can anyone tell me if there were any highlights?

.

.

The World Health Organization has

just announced its new slogan.

“WHO cares”.

.

.

My teacher said I was average,

I told him that’s just mean.

.

.

I used to be a gold prospector,

but it didn’t pan out.

.

.

I’ve written my own political manifesto

but I haven’t used one single upper-case letter.

I’m not a capitalist.

.

.

Men with gender issues have it tough in the UK,

I’m sure they’d love to be a broad.

.

.

I wrote some new hymns for the congregation

to sing at my local church and the

Vicar says everybody loves them.

They can’t stop singing my praises.

.

.

I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub.

He seemed like a decent feller.

.

.

If you want to be a coroner be

prepared for a stiff examination.

.

.

My friend is a real Don Juan with the ladies.

The ladies Don Juan anything to do with him.

.

.

When I was in the army I reckoned all

officers higher up that Colonels are assholes.

But I hate when people Generalize.

.

.

I’ve never seen a flamenco dancer,

but those Spaniards must be clever

to train a bird of that size.

.

.

My wife is trying to wind me up

with jibes about my impotence.

I’m not rising to that.

.

.

I didn’t want to go to the

“I Love The 80s” fancy dress party,

but my friend was adamant.

.

.

================================

.

I Never Question Myself. Why Should I Start Now?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Why indeed!

I certainly never question the popularity of puns.

So here is another word play day for toy to…..

Enjoy or endure!

.

.

I went to see my doctor with chronic depression.

I said, “Feeling any happier these days doc?”

.

.

My friend certainly knows how to make an entrance.

He just put up my new front door.

.

.

I’ve just broken all my DVDs of Japanese cartoons.

I’m my own worst anime.

.

.

My dog just swallowed my phone

and got it stuck in his throat,

I’m going to ring his neck.

.

.

Just for a laugh, I changed the font at our local church

but the Vicar wasn’t happy.

It took him half a day to get it back

to Times New Roman.

.

.

I’ve gone off them a bit now,

but there was a time when I used to really dig graves.             

.

.

My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.

She’s inflatable.

.

.

I could hear the wife moaning about

a wobbly shelf in the kitchen.

I soon fixed that.

I turned the TV up.

.

.

I’m fed up with my friend Adam.

He walks round like he is God’s gift to women.

.

.

My dad was watching a news broadcast about Gaza.

He was so shocked he dropped hezbollah cornflakes.

.

.

My wife left because she thinks

I have an obsession with electricity.

I was like, “Watt, I’m shocked….

it hertz me when you say stuff like that.

Currently I’ve not been myself I admit,

but it would help if you had some positive input in

my life instead of being negative.

But none of that matters any more,

I’m going ohm.”            

.

.

I’m planning on becoming a shepherd.

It’s easy, I herd.

.

.

My next song is about subtraction.

Take it away…      

.

.

Leaving her living room,

a blonde finds her husband lying unconscious

at the foot of the stairs and in a panic she calls ‘911’.

“My husband’s fallen down the stairs,” she cries.

“Calm down, madam,” the operator tells her,

“do you know what caused the fall?”

“No, what?”

.

.

Shop assistants are so rude these days.

I went into the DVD store and asked if they had

any about people stranded on a desert island.

The assistant told me to get lost.

.

.

=============================================

.