Procrastinators Unite! …. Tomorrow.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Procrastinators may unite tomorrow if they want, but for the rest of us today is Pun Day.

Yes, more awful jokes and word play fun.

So, enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I just realised that

“stats”  is palindromic.

What are the odds of that?!

STATS

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“Hey Harry, how much were

those broom sticks?” Asked Ron.

“Quid each”, replied Harry.

quidditch

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I thought my wife was happy

to fully repair my jeans.

Or at least sew its seams.

repair my jeans

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I submitted a 16:9 picture of my farm

to the photography contest.

They didn’t like the crop.

16.9 picture of my farm

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My fine art and fragrances business has failed.

The perfumes sold well, but I didn’t really know

how to market the paintings I’d bought.

Now I’ve got more Monet than scents.

Monet - Water-Lily-Pond--Symphony-In-Rose

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You feel stuck with your debt

if you can’t budge it.

budget2013_BalancingTheBudget_new

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The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial

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I’m a judge in graffiti competitions.

It’s as exciting as watching paint dry.

graffiti competitions

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Ghetto blasters.

They’re an 80s stereotype.

lasonic-ghetto-blaster-famous-gold-edition-3

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I accidentally sprinkled marijuana into my mayonnaise.

It reminded me of Holland Days.

hollandaise-sauce

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I once got a butterfly high

by giving it concentrated speed.

It was a crystal moth

crystal moth

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When I broke the news to my little

brother that he had diabetes,

I tried not to sugarcoat it.

sugarcoat

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Constipation:

same old s**t,

different day.

constipation

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Is it just me or are Polish cleaners

really bad at brushing up?

Sorry that was a

sweeping generalization.

cleaners

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My laptop is broken.

It just keeps playing

“Someone Like You”

over and over again.

Probably because it’s a Dell.

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Last Quiz For This April.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to the last quiz for this April.

A good mixture of questions this week, some very easy and few that should sort out the serious quizzers from the casual players.

As usual if you get stuck the answers can be found waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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quiz 10

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Q.  1:  What does the ‘Q’ in ‘Q-tips’ stand for?

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Q.  2:  How many curves are in a standard paper clip?

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Q.  3:  In which river are the 1000 islands?

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Q.  4:  The scene of a famous battle, the city of Montevideo is located at the mouth of which river?

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Q.  5:  During World War II, the largest Japanese spy ring was located where?

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Q.  6:  In which country was the “angel of the north” erected in 1998?

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Q.  7:  What 6 colors are on the classic Campbell’s soup label? (A point for each.)

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Q.  8:  She was the leader of the British movement for  female suffrage and in 1903 founded the Women’s Political Union which agitated for votes for women, but died in 1928 just before full voting rights were granted. Who was she?

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Q.  9:  On the United States “Stars and Stripes” flag, is the top stripe red or white?

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Q. 10:  Which German leader was known as the ‘Iron Chancellor’?

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Q. 11:  Name the character who said, “I do wish we could chat longer but I’m having an old friend for dinner” and the movie from which it comes? (A point for each correct answer.)

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Q. 12:  Which way do fans rotate?

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Q. 13:  England’s King Henry VIII is infamous for having six wives and for having some of them executed by beheading. But how many of the six wives lost their heads?

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Q. 14:  If ‘Lady’ is a pedigree spaniel what is the name of the mongrel?

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Q. 15:  Whose face is on a dime? 

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Q. 16:  The now famous line “Show me the money” comes from what well known movie?

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Q. 17:  Which country did Xerxes rule?

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Q. 18:  Who is missing from this list?

Sleepy,   Happy,   Sneezy,   Grumpy,   Dopey,   Doc.

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Q. 19:  Which actor in 1962 was the first to say the immortal line “The name is Bond – James Bond”  and in which movie? (A point for each correct answer.)

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Q. 20:  Who sang about the ‘Witchita line man’?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What does the ‘Q’ in ‘Q-tips’ stand for?

A.  1:  The ‘Q’ in ‘Q-tips’ stands for ‘quality’.

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Q.  2:  How many curves are in a standard paper clip?

A.  2:  There are 3 curves on a standard paper clip. (Did you have to look?)

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Q.  3:  In which river are the 1000 islands?

A.  3:  In the St Lawrence River.

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Q.  4:  The scene of a famous battle, the city of Montevideo is located at the mouth of which river?

A.  4:  The River Plate  (Rio de la Plate).

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Q.  5:  During World War II, the largest Japanese spy ring was located where?

A.  5:  The largest Japanese spy ring during WWII was not in the U.S. but in Mexico, where it spied on the U.S. Atlantic Fleet.

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Q.  6:  In which country was the “angel of the north” erected in 1998?

A.  6:  In England.

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Q.  7:  What 6 colors are on the classic Campbell’s soup label? (A point for each.)

A.  7:  Blue, red, white, yellow, black, and gold.

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Q.  8:  She was the leader of the British movement for  female suffrage and in 1903 founded the Women’s Political Union which agitated for votes for women, but died in 1928 just before full voting rights were granted. Who was she?

A.  8:  Emmeline Pankhurst.

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Q.  9:  On the United States “Stars and Stripes” flag, is the top stripe red or white?

A.  9:  It is Red. (Again I hope you didn’t have to look!)

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Q. 10:  Which German leader was known as the ‘Iron Chancellor’?

A. 10:  Bismarck.

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Q. 11:  Name the character who said, “I do wish we could chat longer but I’m having an old friend for dinner” and the movie from which it comes? (A point for each correct answer.)

A. 11:  Hannibal Lecter said it in the Silence of the Lambs.

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Q. 12:  Which way do fans rotate?

A. 12:  Clockwise as you look at it

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Q. 13:  England’s King Henry VIII is infamous for having six wives and for having some of them executed by beheading. But how many of the six wives lost their heads?

A. 13:  Only two, people usually think it is more.

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Q. 14:  If ‘Lady’ is a pedigree spaniel what is the name of the mongrel?

A. 14:  His name is ‘Tramp’, from the animated feature ‘Lady and the Tramp’.

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Q. 15:  Whose face is on a dime?

A. 15:  US President Franklin D Roosevelt.

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Q. 16:  The now famous line “Show me the money” comes from what well known movie?

A. 16:  The movie was ‘Jerry Maguire’, starring Tom Cruise and Cuba Gooding Jr.

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Q. 17:  Which country did Xerxes rule?

A. 17:  Persia.

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Q. 18:  Who is missing from this list?

Sleepy,   Happy,   Sneezy,   Grumpy,   Dopey,   Doc. 

A. 18:  Bashful is missing, he was afraid to appear.

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Q. 19:  Which actor in 1962 was the first to say the immortal line “The name is Bond – James Bond”  and in which movie? (A point for each correct answer.)

A. 19:  Sean Connery in Dr No.

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Q. 20:  Who sang about the ‘Witchita line man’?

A. 20:  Glen Campbell.

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Does A Man Need A Mistress Just To Break The Monogamy?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Let’s not get into a discussion on marriage.

Rather just investigate some more of those word plays we call puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Did you hear about the two crooks who bought a hotel.

They were inn-mates.

cell-mates

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“This fishing tackle tastes disgusting!”

he said with baited breath.

fishing tackle

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So the barman says to Paddy,

“Your glass is empty, would you like another one?”

“Another one?” Paddy replies,

“Sure what would I want with two empty glasses?”

in bar

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In America,

2pac’s of Eminem’s cost 50 Cents.

That’s Ludacris.

ludacris

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We’ve got neighbors from Hell

A lovely old Norwegian couple…

Images of Norway

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“I had a vision out of the cornea of my eye

that you would be a great pupil,”

the teacher said.

eye

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My wife had one of those near death experiences last night

Silly woman thought she could vacuum the floors

while the super bowl was on.

vacuum cleaner

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When a college dormitory exploded

a lot of roomers were flying.

kaboom

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CNN News “Tree Falls On Bank”

Didn’t say what branch though.

tree falls on building

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When Billy was sent to prison the first thing he said

to his cell mate was, “I won’t be in here long”

“Well the judge gave you six years,” his cell mate said.

“Yeah I know,” Billy replied. “But my wife will break me out

she’s never let me finish a sentence before.”

law-order-gaol-gaols-prisons-crime-criminal-ksmn2964l

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By the way,

I’m hosting a charity evening and raffle this Saturday evening

to raise money for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can’t come let me know.

raffle_tickets

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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

(Get it? No shins, Toe-Knee.)

man with no shins

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My son just asked, “Dad, can you tell me what gay means?”

“It means to be happy,” I replied.

“Are you gay, dad?”

“No, son. I married your mother!”

father and son

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My route to work has been scattered with average speed cameras.

You’d think the tight asses would have shelled out for the decent ones.

average speed camera

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I’m just off for a meeting with an Indian car maker.

Tata.

Tata-Motors

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Beware The Green Eyed Monster!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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They say that a picture is worth a thousand words.

Well here’s a blog post slightly over 6,000 words. Don’t worry, it won’t take you long to read it.

It’s about the behavior of several heads of state at the Mandela Memorial in South Africa, an event which itself was turned into a bit of a farce.

From sign language interpreters who didn’t know any sign language to politicians not having the sense to realize they were on a world stage and everyone was watching, it was all a bit pathetic really.  

But funny too!

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President Obama shares a joke with

Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt.

Michelle Obama obviously didn’t get it – or did she?

Obama and Helle share a joke - Michelle doesn't get it

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Now a bit of touchy-feely from Obama

who is obviously enjoying the encounter.

The look on Michelle’s face seems to indicate that

she is not too happy with the way things are going.

Obama and Helle touchy feely time

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Obama and Helle take a little ‘selfie’ photo with her cell phone,

as British Prime Minister David Cameron tries to form a threesome.

Michelle, looking even more pissed off glowers into the distance.

(Wonder if the NSA is bugging that phone?)

Obama and Helle selfie photo time

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The happy couple get closer and share another joke.

Michelle gets farther away,

and she still ain’t laughing!

South Africa Mandela Memorial Obama and Helle getting closer

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Obama gets up to say a few words,

assisted by the sign language interpreter for the deaf.

Yes, that’s him,

the interpreter who didn’t know any sign language at all.

You couldn’t make this up!

Obama with interpreter who can't interpret

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When he come back to sit down again,

Obama finds that the seating arrangements have changed.

Michelle is now between him and the lovely piece of Danish.

Suspecting he may have blundered Obama takes Michelle’s hand and kisses it.

Michelle gazes off into the distance.

She has a “it ain’t gonna be that easy to fix this one, buster” expression on her face.

Obama Michelle kissing hand

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With his new little friend isolated

Obama studiously looks in the other direction. 

Michelle still ain’t laughing!

Obama with new seating arramgement

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Some say puns are the lowest form of Hugh Moore…….whoever he is???

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, pun day again! The jokes you love to pretend to hate.

They are a bit like quicksand, the more you struggle the harder it is to get away from them.

Take my advice and just sit back and enjoy.

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Ever since my mate directed his first movie, he’s been a nightmare at parties.

He’s always creating a scene.

director

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I retired yesterday after working for 30 years on a conveyor belt.

It was a very moving experience.

conveyor belt

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My parents are forcing me to wear a turban because of my religion.

It makes me sikh.

turban

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My wife cost me a fortune when I took her out for a meal yesterday.

Take my advice. Never put A la carte before the horse.

a la carte

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I bought some cheap glasses.

They’re fiver optics.

glasses

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I can’t think of any boat puns.

Canoe?

canoe

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What’s the difference between Oxfam and Islam?

Oxfam is a non profit organisation.

non profit

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If ignorance is bliss,

why are McDonald’s staff never happy?

mcdonalds cartoon

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A friend of mine dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water

….I think he meant well.

digging

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I don’t approve of political jokes.

I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

political jokes

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Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

cartoon marriage

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In case you’re wondering, I don’t suffer from insanity;

I enjoy every minute of it.

informed-sanity

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Have You Heard Of The Herd?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today was originally scheduled for the latest part in the short series about the curious and amusing phobias some people seem to have. But it’s a holiday week for most of us and I have put that post back until next week.

Instead I feel the urge to say something else. Two things actually.

First one is, have you heard of the herd? In particular the herd mentality, where people do something they have no need to do just because other people are doing it?

It happens a lot. Far too much in fact.

We witnessed it during the recent election campaign where people formed opinions not on the basis of their own analysis of the candidates and policies, but because of something someone else said or something they heard on tv.

We saw it again very recently after the dreadful murders in Connecticut where the unthinking herd ignored the real problem and  jumped on gun control as a solution to senseless attacks such as this. They might as well call for a ban on knives, axes, chainsaws, bows and arrows and gasoline when they are at it as any of these could do the same job in the hands of a mental defective.

And on December 24 we witnessed another example in grocery stores throughout the country (throughout the world even) as hoards of the unthinking joined the herd and bought up bread and food supplies like the shops would not be open again for at least a month. They are open again today you dummies!

These three examples have been going on for years and people never seem to learn, they just keep on following the herd without a thought in their heads.

And this leads me on to point two which is how little thought most of us give to what we are doing and what we are buying the already well off and pampered.

I know for a fact that Santa had orders for laptops and ipads and iphones and all sorts of other expensive playthings. And I also know that he hadn’t the sense to say no, but just bought them anyway. Mea culpa as much as anyone.

Then I got to thinking that life was a lot different when I was a kid. Yes we liked to get presents at Christmas, but they were a lot less sophisticated and a lot less expensive – even in relative terms. When I was eight, for example, I didn’t need a smart phone, or any phone come to think of it, nor was my social life so complicated and hectic that I had to have a chauffeur for all my must-do activities for every day of the week.

When I was a kid we had our toys, but we also had a thing called an imagination and we could make our own fun out of very little.

So what is the problem today? Why are kids so incapable of making their own entertainment? Why are they constantly “bored” without clicking a button on a computer consol or without someone else to do their thinking for them?

Like a lot of other things, it all boils down to money at the end of the day. Now I’m not advocating poverty as a solution to the world’s ills. Far from it. I like to make money, the more the better, and the thought of being, perhaps not rich, but comfortably well off is a very nice one. But if we had to we could all make do with a lot less. And I don’t think we would be any less happier in the process.

People in other countries seem to manage quite well. And they still seem to have the mental capacity to enjoy what little they have and make their fun out of next to nothing. In other words they are happy. If things do ever deteriorate to the extent that some of the doomsday preachers are telling us, there are a lot better prepared people in the world than there are in rich countries like America, or Britain, or Germany, etc.

Think about giving your kid or nephew or niece an old oil drum from the local garbage dump next Christmas instead of an ipod touch or some other overly expensive apple. I wonder how much music and entertainment they could get out of that?

Check out the video and you will see what I mean…

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Some Important Questions For The New Congress To Consider

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

When the new Congress gets itself organized (don’t hold your breath) here are a few important questions I think they should address. The people deserve to know the answers. We have been ignored for far too long! 

 

 

What do you call male ballerinas?

 cartoon male ballerina

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How does Freddy Krueger wipe his butt?  (Ouch!)

cartoon freddie krueger

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Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?

(This one in particular has annoyed me for years!)

Phone and Calculator numbers reversed - why

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Do butterflies remember life as a caterpillar?

caterpillar-to-butterfly

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Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Cartoon Man Staring Into an Empty Refrigerator

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Does the postman deliver his own mail?

Cartoon Mail Man

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Why is toilet bowl cleaner almost always blue in color?

Blue toilet bowl cleaner

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Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?

the_road_sign_too_hell_by_demaniore

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Is ‘vice-versa’ to a dyslexic just plain redundant?

Dyslexic Sign

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How come you can kill a deer and put it up on your wall, but it’s illegal to keep one as a pet?

deer_head

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Why do we say we’re head over heels when we’re happy? Isn’t that the way we normally are?

head over heels

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If prunes are dehydrated plums, where does prune juice come from?

plum and prune 

Is it appropriate to say ‘good mourning’ at a funeral?

 snowman-funeral

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If there is an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule and therefore a rule that there is no exception to and does that mean there is not an exception to every rule, or that there is?

rules and exceptions

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When you’re caught ‘between a rock and a hard place’, is the rock not hard?

between a rock and a hard place

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Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

refrigerator-cartoon

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Doesn’t a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?

 lightning rod

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Who coined the phrase, ‘coined the phrase’?

coin-a-phrase

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Why do they continue to call steamrollers, ‘steam’ rollers? They no longer produce, get rid of, or have anything to do with steam.  

steamroller 

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