Plant Puns: Weed ‘Em And Reap!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Not really a day of plant puns, but it is Pun Day, so you might want to weep anyway.

You know the drill (little gardening pun there).

Enjoy or endure!

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Teacher: If you were a great composer,

where would you live?

Boy: In A Flat.

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I missed today’s Hairdressing Championships,

can anyone tell me if there were any highlights?

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The World Health Organization has

just announced its new slogan.

“WHO cares”.

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My teacher said I was average,

I told him that’s just mean.

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I used to be a gold prospector,

but it didn’t pan out.

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I’ve written my own political manifesto

but I haven’t used one single upper-case letter.

I’m not a capitalist.

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Men with gender issues have it tough in the UK,

I’m sure they’d love to be a broad.

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I wrote some new hymns for the congregation

to sing at my local church and the

Vicar says everybody loves them.

They can’t stop singing my praises.

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I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub.

He seemed like a decent feller.

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If you want to be a coroner be

prepared for a stiff examination.

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My friend is a real Don Juan with the ladies.

The ladies Don Juan anything to do with him.

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When I was in the army I reckoned all

officers higher up that Colonels are assholes.

But I hate when people Generalize.

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I’ve never seen a flamenco dancer,

but those Spaniards must be clever

to train a bird of that size.

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My wife is trying to wind me up

with jibes about my impotence.

I’m not rising to that.

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I didn’t want to go to the

“I Love The 80s” fancy dress party,

but my friend was adamant.

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Word Play? Bad Jokes? Whatever you call them they’re Still Pun To Me

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A few more puns to make you laugh or groan.

Enjoy them if you can.

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The cannibal was so nervous he threw up his hands

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He said I was average – but he was just being mean.

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I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

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Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.    

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The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner – there were strings attached.

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Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you. 

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We never got the tent up because of all the missed stakes we had.

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The book of incantations was useless. The author had failed to run a spell check.

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I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose.

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Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

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We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.

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I once thought about cloning a new, more efficient brain, but then I realized that I was getting a head of myself.

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If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.        

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Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can’t croak.         

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The police arrested two kids yesterday, one for drinking battery acid and the other one for eating fireworks. They charged one but let the other one off.

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Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

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A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.          

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And finally,

 

Did you know that Macy’s have a contractual obligation to hire an unemployed man every November and December to play Father Christmas? It’s known as the Santa clause.

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It’s The Jokes You Love To Hate!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
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What better way to begin November than with another selection of those jokes that we just love to hate?

Okay,okay, I’m sure there are a lot better ways, but these will have to do for now.

Enjoy!

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I used to do rock climbing as a youth, but I was much boulder back then.

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He said I was average – but I thought he was just being mean.

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It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

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When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.

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What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire.

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I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

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I get my large circumference from too much pi.

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Alcohol and calculus don’t mix so don’t drink and derive.

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It’s better to love a short girl than not a tall.

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Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

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When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.

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A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.

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Is a cardboard belt just a waist of paper?

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A friend told me he dug a hole in my backyard and filled it with water.
I thought he meant well.

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The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner
– there were strings attached.

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Math teachers have lots of problems.

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I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.

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For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act,
but he was just going through a stage.

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He didn’t tell his mother that he ate some glue.
His lips were sealed.

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It’s a fact, taller people sleep longer in bed.

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