It’s International Litarasy Day 2day

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Final Pun Day.

For this January that is. I hope I didn’t get your hopes up .  🙂

Here we go.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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The Inventor of the jug died today.

Tributes have been pouring in.

jug

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I asked my friend if he is a compulsive shouter.

The answer was a resounding yes.

compulsive-shouter

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Caught a bloke in the changing room earlier,

holding my jacket saying he thought it was his!

I think he was trying it on.

hip-hop-man-holding-jacket-12834831

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I don’t like my wife going out drinking

with the girls from the nail bar.

They always end up getting hammered.

nail bar

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This girl, Rene Wals, is obsessed with me.

She keeps sending me emails.

She works at GoDaddy, but I think she’s a moron

— she spells her name “Renewals.”

GoDaddy-Email-Login

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The first rule of Palindrome Club is

si bulC emordnilaP fo elur tsrif ehT.

Palindrome Club

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Is a woman who can’t have a baby,

unbearable, impregnable or inconceivable?

woman who can't have a baby

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My girlfriend was complaining

that I never buy her flowers.

I didn’t even know she sold them.

woman selling flowers

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My wife asked me how much I like

the new GPS she bought for me

I replied, “Well, I’d be lost without it.”

new GPS

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I think I first realized that my drinking

had got out of control when my doctor

referred me to a Bacardiologist.

Bacardi

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I call my weed “The Quran”

Because burning that shit will get you stoned.

burning weed

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My wife found out that I’d been moving her

bookmark forward a few pages every night.

She really lost the plot.

bookmark in book

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I was checking out this blonde girl,

when the librarian said,

“Sir, we only lend out books in here.”

librarian

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Girlfriend: You have to make a choice,

it’s either me or your career as a news reporter.

Me: Well, I’ve got some news for you then.

news reporter

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A teacher asks her class

“Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood’s girlfriend?”

Little Paddy raises his hand and says

“Yes Miss, it’s Trudy Glen.”

“No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion.”

“But Miss, what about the song?

Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen.”

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= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

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Ivory hunters, tsk tsk.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Tsk, tsk indeed. What a terrible thing to do.

But what is also terrible, and the more terrible the better it seems, are puns.

It’s word play day.

Enjoy or endure!!!

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rofl

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When it comes to making money,

I’ve got to hand it to my wife.

All of it.

cartoon handing money to wife

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Apprehended:

The new App that reminds

you your hen is dead.

Apprehended

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I had an argument with my neighbor

about my trees growing over his fence.

When I extended the olive branch

it only made matters worse.

trees growing over fence

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I went into a bar and said to the guy serving,

‘How much is a pint of lager?’

He replied,

‘Five hundred and sixty-eight millilitres.’

pint v milliliters

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My identical twin was hit by a bus last year.

He’s not been the same since.

twins

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I got lost on my first day of college,

which is when I met my wife.

She was lost too, and neither I nor she knew

what class we were supposed to be in.

And as I stared into her eyes,

I knew that we had chemistry.

chemistry

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I brewed 5 gallons of homebrew.

It was pretty weak so my friend offered me ten bucks 

if I could drink the lot in one session…

I was going to accept, but in the end I bottled it.

homebrew_equipment

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I live for my alarm clock collection,

it’s the only reason I get up in the morning.

alarm clock collection

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I just fired my limousine driver.

I don’t know why,

because I have nothing to chauffeur it.

limousine driver

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Just had lunch at an excellent Christian restaurant

called “The Lord Giveth”.

They also do takeaways.

takeaways

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My wife was preparing lunch today when she asked,

“Sweetheart, where’s the cheese grater?”

“Some would say France, others would say England,” I replied.

cheese

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I bought some really odd shaped eggs

but now i can’t find them.

I think they’ve been mislaid.

odd shaped eggs

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Me and my girl plan to recreate every position

from the Kama Sutra tonight using only Lego bricks.

The excitement is building.

Kama Sutra Lego bricks

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I asked my son what his sexuality was.

He replied ”bi”.

Ironically, his answer forced me

to say the exact same thing.

bye

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Eminem goes to check the weather

It’s rainy and gray outside

He goes back to watch TV

Checks weather back in 10 minutes

Still shady

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I Just Knew I Was Going To Get Thrown Out Of The Optimism Society.

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And if you were an optimist who thought there would be no puns in June, then your membership of the society is in doubt too.

Here’s the latest batch.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Some people have a way with words,

others not have way.

you_have_a_way_with_words_by_geistgirl-d4a9hky

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My friend received an email yesterday asking him

to send trouser zips to the address provided.

I told him to ignore it,

it sounds like they are fly phishing.

trouser zips

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I thought growing my own lettuce would be difficult

but it was quite easy in the end.

It’s not rocket science.

rocket lettuce

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A policeman asked me to come down

to the station for an interview.

I haven’t even applied for a job there.

police_officer_cartman

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This linguistics professor was lecturing the class.

“In English,” he explained, “a double negative forms a positive.

In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.”

“However,” the professor continued, “there is no language wherein

a double positive can form a negative.”

Immediately, a voice from the back of the room piped up:

“Yeah….. right….”

linguistics professor double negative

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I remember when my parents died,

all they left me was a globe.

It meant the world to me….

globe

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If I had a billion pounds

for every time I underestimated…

I would be a millionaire.

1 billion versus 1 million dollars

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My mate Steven, who shares the same name as me,

thought it was funny to erase the letters ‘St’ from my pencil case.

So, during break, I did the same to his.

Now we’re even.

steven even

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My father worked in a steel fabrication plant.

They didn’t produce anything,

they just said they did.

empty steel fabrication plant

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Jimmy: “Can I ask you a question?”

Ted: “Sure, what is it?”

Jimmy: “It’s an interrogative statement, used to test knowledge.”

an interrogative statement

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I have no idea what the opposite of imagination is.

NO IDEA PIC

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After hearing my son saying,

“I want to be good with acoustic,”

I decided to buy him a guitar.

Turns out he wanted a pool cue.

pool cue

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The Internet now has the second largest collection of jokes in the world…

The House of Representatives is still hanging on to the top spot.

House of Representatives

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I told my mum I was going out for a walk.

She said, “How long will you be gone?”

I said, “Probably the whole time”

out for a walk

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Look, at the end of the day

….. it’s night!

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It Takes Guts To Go To Weight Watchers.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And it takes guts to publish some of these word play jokes.

So strap yourselves in for another wicked selection.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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My girlfriend keeps telling me that making

clothes based puns is really not funny.

Corset is!

corset

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My teacher asked the class,

“Can anybody name a sport that starts with a ‘T’?”

I said “Yes, golf.”

golf_tee

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My son asked me where the most

dangerous place on earth is.

I’m stuck between Iraq Kandahar place.

Iraq-Kandahar-Afghanistan signpost

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I was speaking to a man from Syria today and he said,

“In my country, bear fighting is the most popular sport.”

“That’s revolting.” I replied.

“No,” he said. “That’s our second most popular.”

Syrian revolutionaries

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Teacher: “In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.”

Sammy : “You can’t fool me, Teacher…

snakes don’t have feet.”

burmese-python

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A woman screamed, “No means no!” at me today.

I left soon after.

It was the shortest Spanish lesson I’d ever had.

Learn to speak Spanish

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I saved loads of cash on the new over-priced iPhone yesterday.

I didn’t buy one.

iphone

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A note left for a pianist from his wife

“Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet.”

pianist

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About to microwave some fruit.

Getting ready for a hot date.

dates

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I got arrested yesterday for stealing hay from a farmer.

I’ve been refused bale.

hay bale

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When my wife told me Scandinavian languages

don’t have the letter ‘R’ I immediately thought…

No way!

Norway sign

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I’ve often wondered why it is called ‘Mooning’

when you’re actually showing ‘Uranus’?

Uranus

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As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.

It gives me the E B G B s

DA-EGBDF

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I heard someone say that nothing rhymes with orange.

No it doesn’t!

annoying orange

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I used to live in a small town in Spain called Macarena.

But I don’t like to make a song and dance about it.

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For Sale: Replica Fisherman’s Knife (Made To Scale).

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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First pun day of August folks.

The months may change but pun day is forever, or until I run out of puns whichever comes first.

So here are today’s selection.

I hope you enjoy them.

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I’ve decided to take the day off today.

I’m just going to call it to.

day off cartoon

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I’m in a heavy metal band.

I play lead.

lead_pb_periodic_table_169

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I filled my car up with gasoline this morning.

Wish I hadn’t now, the seats are ruined.

gas fill

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Is nothing built in America any more?

I got a new TV the other day and on the box it said

‘BUILT IN ANTENNA’.

built in antenna

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My garden is only 36 inches wide.

More like a yard.

yard

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My grandfather is a Cold War veteran

He can’t afford to put the heating on.

grandpa

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It’s not hard getting to work in the snow,

you just need a bit of grit.

true grit

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My neighbor just showed me his new wind turbine.

I was blown away,

wind turbines

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Well the judge said that from now on

I can only see my children with supervision.

I said why, how far away will they be?

super-vision

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I dropped my cell phone in the bath yesterday.

I said to my wife, “My phone is finished”.

She said, “It might still work, have you tried ringing it?”

I said, “Yes, but not much water is coming out”.

cell-phone-dropped-in-water

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I just bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He wasn’t pleased.

alcohol_cartoon

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Sometimes I enjoy my steak under cooked,

Of course, that’s rare.

barney-rubble-steak

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I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

butler-cartoon

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In class today the teacher gave me a square piece of paper

and asked if I could turn it into an octagon.

“Sure,” I said. “I’ll have it done for next week, sir.”

“No, I need it now,” was the reply.

“Okay, I’ll have to cut a few corners though.”

octagon

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I was chatting to a couple of girls today.

I said, “Give me your numbers and we can go out for a drink sometime”.

One of the girls said, “Okay, give us two secs.”

I said, “No problem, that’s exactly what I had in mind.”

two girls

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I’ve invented a device called a ‘base-ball.’

I’m thinking of pitching it on Shark Tank.

shark tank

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I walked past some joggers in the park today.

They weren’t very fast.

joggers

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I was at the observatory the other day.

The astronomer said to me, “Look at this massive star!”

I replied, “Actually, that’s a cluster of stars, if it’s any constellation.”

observatory

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I went to the Natural History Museum and

saw the two bees that Noah took with him.

They were in the archives.

noah-ark-cartoon

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Now, for the final trick, I’m going to turn this

Grandfather clock to one hundredth of its original size…

Watch….

grandfather clocks

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Shortbread… They’re not making it any longer!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, as always the clue is in the title.

It’s pun day!

Enjoy – you know you do.

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I’ve just got a make-shift job

at the computer keyboard factory.

shift key

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A Limbo dancer married a Locksmith yesterday…

…the wedding was low key.

Limbo

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As a paranoid schizophrenic, I take

the elevator alone to my top floor apartment…

I can’t handle the stares.

paranoid schizophrenic

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I do all my addition in my head.

It’s the thought that counts.

maths

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My teacher said to our class the

other day that she hates suck-ups.

I couldn’t agree more. 

sucking-up-cartoon

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I was just about to nail some shelves to the wall.

Then I thought, screw it.

wall-shelves

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Corrugated roofs.

are really groovy.

corrugated-roof-of-a-building

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So they finally found Osama a couple of years ago,

talk Abbotabad place to hide!

hideout-house-of-slain-al-qaeda-leader-osama-bin-laden-in-abbottabad

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What do cheap hotels and

tight designer jeans have in common?

No ballroom.

tight jeans

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When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia

was asked if he knew where he was going he replied

“off course”

Costa Concordia

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Woke up this morning after a heavy night

of drinking to find out that I’d gone bald.

Which is strange because normally

I go for brunettes. 

bald

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A tennis ball walks into a bar.

The barman says,

“Have you been served?”

tenis ball

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My horse had a win at the races today.

I have no idea how he filled in the betting slip.

horse cartoon

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I saw two people hailing a taxi today and thought:

“What strange religion do they belong to?”

hailing taxi

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Princess Diana died on the 31 August 1997

having been staying at the Ritz, Paris.

Margaret Thatcher died April 8, 2013

having been staying at the Ritz, London.

I’ve been saying it’s a conspiracy for years

but everyone else thinks it’s just crackers.

nabisco-ritz-crackers

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My maths teacher asked me,

“Do you understand inequalities?”

I replied, “More or less.”

cartoon inequalities

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Without a doubt, my favorite

Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire. 

Mrs Doubtfire

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I’ve got a friend who’s a female private investigator.

Although he prefers to be called a gynecologist.

gynae

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There’s two things I don’t like about a politician,

his face.

two-faced-2

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Saw a woman today who opened the door in her nightie.

I thought, “That’s a funny place for a door.” 

door_in_her_nightie_____by_boblea

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Unexpected Answers From Minds That Don’t Quite Work As Intended – Yes, Quiz Show Monday

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Yes, another Monday and time for more of those unexpected answers from minds that don’t quite work as intended – even by their owners!

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Q: Name something that you wanted to do as a kid, but your parents wouldn’t let you

A: Have a snake

cartoon snake.

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Q: An occupation in which people cover their faces

A: Model

model with face hidden.

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Q: Name a food used to describe a person

A: A dog

scared dog.

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Q: Name a food you wish was healthy for you

A: Ketchup

cartoon ketchup.

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Q: The bad habit you’d most like to get rid of

A: Picking nose

Pick Me.

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Q: An expression that means “getting married”

A: Rendezvous

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Q: Name a high school class people might actually enjoy going to

A: Beverly Hills

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Q: Name a food that comes smoked

A: Tobacco

baseball-bans-chewing-tobacco.

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Q: Name something a bricklayer uses

A: Spatula

bricklayer at work.

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Q: Name a slang word for “man”

A: Homeboy

homeboy.

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Q: Name a famous Biblical twosome

A: Ralph and Susie

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Q: Name something you’d find in an operating room

A: Operator

operator.

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Q: How many times per day you look in the mirror

A: Twenty

looking in mirror.

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Q: Name a character from a horror movie that reminds you of some of your dates

A: Loch Ness Monster
A: Incredible Hulk

.Incredible_Hulk_Animated_by_soulmaninc

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Q: Name a food that can be brown or white

A: Potatoes

mr_potato_cartoon.

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Q: Name a day of the year when you want to be with friends

A: December

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Q: Name a gift that might be insulting if a woman received it from her mother-in-law

A: Shoes

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Q: Name a tall tourist attraction

A: Disneyland

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Q: Your wife’s most unappealing habit (asked to 100 married men)

A: Picking her feet

picking feet - most annoying habit
picking feet – most unappealing habit

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