I Made A Chicken Salad Today. It Didn’t Even Eat It.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no ingratitude like the ingratitude of a chicken when you specially prepare a meal for it.

Still I can always make some soup!

Want some more word play?

Try these.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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When someone says they are not in denial,

I never know whether to believe them…

 in denial

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What’s another name

for an angry feminist?

A feminist.

 angry feminist cartoon

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My girlfriend said I’m afraid of commitment.

Well…

I wouldn’t really call her my girlfriend.

 Cartoon afraid of commitment

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I haven’t slept for ten days,

because that would be too long.

 mitch-hedberg-comedian-i-havent-slept-for-ten-days-because-that-would-be-too

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Newspaper headline:

Air strike planned

Well I hope it doesn’t last long,

I can’t hold my breath for more than 30 seconds.

 holding breath

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I once went out with a girl called simile,

I don’t know what I metaphor.

 metaphor

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The grenade factory is the one place

where being able to hear a pin drop

is a bad thing

 hand-grenades

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I had a camera but,

whenever I photographed people,

they came out looking bald-headed…

it was then I realized that

I was using Kojak film.

 Kojak

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Are Dementia and Alzheimers

two separate illnesses

or are they one and the same thing?

I can never remember.

 Dementia and Alzheimers cartoon

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A minor background part actor

walks into a massage parlour and

asks if they are willing to provide sexual services.

The lady replies

“Sorry love, we don’t do extras.”

 Extras

.

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My Grandad’s so old

that he remembers

when X Factor was

just a Roman Sun cream

 X Factor Logo

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My girlfriend told me that

my Tom Petty obsession

is getting out of hand,

but I won’t back down on this one.

No I won’t

Back

Down

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To Cut A Long Story Short Use Fewer Words.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But make sure a few of those words are puns.

Which is my way of welcoming you to another pun day.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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A little birdie told me my

golf skills were improving.

 birdie

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Someone asked me how many haircuts I’d had in my life.

I said, “off the top of my head, about 250.”

 haircuts

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I used to file my nails, but I thought:

‘what’s the point in keeping them?’

 file cabinet

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Maths problems, the only place where

someone can buy 60 watermelons

and no one wonders why.

 watermelons

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I’m not going to make jokes from mixed metaphors

– too many other people have milked that bandwagon already.

 mixed metaphors

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I was recently asked if as a young boy,

was my mother very strict with me.

I said, ‘let me get one thing straight,

my mother was never a young boy.’

 mother clipart

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Whilst holidaying in Madrid with the lads,

my friend Dave suffered a heart attack in a bar,

however we were all surprised when he was

skillfully revived by a retired Doctor

who appeared out of nowhere…

… No one expects the Spanish Ex-Physician.

 Spanish Inquisition Monty Python

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Met this girl in a club last night.

I said, “Do you like cocktails?”

She said, “I don’t know, tell me one.”

 cocktails

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I said to my friend, “It’s important that no-one

mentions any film production companies.”

“How important is it?” he asked.

“Paramount,” I replied.

 Paramount_Pictures_print_logo_(1968)

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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can’t remember his name.

It’s P something T something R.

 crossword compiler

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My agent said I should use a pen name,

so from now on I am calling myself

‘Bic Parker’.

 pen name

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Thanks to Gwen Stefani,

I can now spell Bananas.

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Never Judge A Book By It’s Movie.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

That’s good advice in the title by the way.

Now for some good word plays or puns.

As ever….

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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What do you get if you cross

a mountain and a desert?

Tired feet.

 Tired feet

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My girlfriend asked me,

“If you could have any super-power,

which one would you have?”

I said, “America.”

 super-power

 

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Education is important but

becoming a model is importanter.

 becoming a model

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The key to being funny is

to say smart things stupidly…

or was is it stupid things smartly?

Whatever,

it’s not rocket surgery.

 rocket surgery

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I used to see this girl across the road from me

but she closes her curtains now!

 closed curtains

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I often say to myself,

“I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

 cloning machine

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My friend and his wife are a fastidious couple.

He is fast and she is hideous.

(Or is it the other way round?)

 fastidious couple

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The instructions on my microwave meal

say ‘stir and recover’

How tiring do they think stirring actually is?

 microwave meal

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How to fall downstairs.

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 10, 11

 fall down stairs cartoon

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And so, with a heavy heart,

I explained to the wife that I’ve

got too much iron in my blood.

 heavy heart

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Scientists now think that global warming

is the main cause of documentaries and stupid laws

 cartoon_climate_science

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I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West

could have been avoided completely if

cowboy architects had just made their

towns big enough for everyone.

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It’s International Litarasy Day 2day

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Final Pun Day.

For this January that is. I hope I didn’t get your hopes up .  🙂

Here we go.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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The Inventor of the jug died today.

Tributes have been pouring in.

jug

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I asked my friend if he is a compulsive shouter.

The answer was a resounding yes.

compulsive-shouter

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Caught a bloke in the changing room earlier,

holding my jacket saying he thought it was his!

I think he was trying it on.

hip-hop-man-holding-jacket-12834831

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I don’t like my wife going out drinking

with the girls from the nail bar.

They always end up getting hammered.

nail bar

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This girl, Rene Wals, is obsessed with me.

She keeps sending me emails.

She works at GoDaddy, but I think she’s a moron

— she spells her name “Renewals.”

GoDaddy-Email-Login

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The first rule of Palindrome Club is

si bulC emordnilaP fo elur tsrif ehT.

Palindrome Club

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Is a woman who can’t have a baby,

unbearable, impregnable or inconceivable?

woman who can't have a baby

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My girlfriend was complaining

that I never buy her flowers.

I didn’t even know she sold them.

woman selling flowers

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My wife asked me how much I like

the new GPS she bought for me

I replied, “Well, I’d be lost without it.”

new GPS

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I think I first realized that my drinking

had got out of control when my doctor

referred me to a Bacardiologist.

Bacardi

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I call my weed “The Quran”

Because burning that shit will get you stoned.

burning weed

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My wife found out that I’d been moving her

bookmark forward a few pages every night.

She really lost the plot.

bookmark in book

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I was checking out this blonde girl,

when the librarian said,

“Sir, we only lend out books in here.”

librarian

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Girlfriend: You have to make a choice,

it’s either me or your career as a news reporter.

Me: Well, I’ve got some news for you then.

news reporter

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A teacher asks her class

“Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood’s girlfriend?”

Little Paddy raises his hand and says

“Yes Miss, it’s Trudy Glen.”

“No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion.”

“But Miss, what about the song?

Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen.”

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= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

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BREAKING NEWS: Man In Boxers Leads Police On A Brief Chase!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If the title didn’t give you a clue, it’s Pun Day again.

Some more word play to….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Reports that suggest

Little Miss Muffet

has contracted food poisoning

have been described as

“Whey off”.

Little Miss Muffet

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I went to the cinema last night

and saw a movie about cheese.

It was G rated.

grated cheese

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What do my wife and a

drone have in common?

The noise.

mick-stevens-oh-no-my-wife-s-drone-new-yorker-cartoon

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Most car designs start off as

a sketch on a piece of paper.

Like the Audi A4.

Audi A4

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I’m waiting to hear if I’ve got a place in

the World Hyperventilating Championship.

I won’t be holding my breath.

World Hyperventilating Championship

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Apparently the government has a database

containing the details of every single

animal attack on humans.

Wonder how big it is,

probably many terror bites.

terror bites

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The girl in the shop told me

she didn’t have any 7UP.

But she’s just saying that

out of sprite.

sprite-7up

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I’m writing a book

about patriarchal societies.

It’s going to be called

“It’s Reigning Men”.

It's Reigning Men

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I’m known for being a really good chef.

I bring a lot to the table.

really good chef

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ISIS.

Always in crisis.

crisis

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A lion, a witch and a wardrobe

walk into a bar.

The barman says,

“I’m serving Narnia!”

Narnia

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I saw an extremely fat frog that

was having trouble bending its legs.

It was probably roomy-toad arthritis.

roomy-toad arthritis

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Help, I am looking for my father,

I was raised by my mother and

all she told me was he’s Italian,

works in a clinic,

and goes by the name ‘Invitro’?

Invitro

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My friend gets his Viagra

delivered by chartered air freight.

He’s a Very Impotent Person.

Very Impotent Person

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I couldn’t get tickets for the Plan B concert.

So I had to go with my first choice instead.

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Cashiers Are Always Checking Me Out.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And now it’s time for you to check out this week’s selection of word plays.

Yes, it’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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If you believe binoculars are overrated

then look no further.

binoculars

.

.

I hate it when I run out of Staples.

So do their security guards. 

Staples

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Dying cats pink, what’s next?

A Navy Seal?

pink-cat

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I spent most of last night in jail.

Try as I might, I just couldn’t roll a double.

go-to-jail-monopoly

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I missed my bus this morning.

I really shouldn’t get so sentimental about public transport.

Public Transport - Bus

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I’ve been asked out by a number of sexy women this week.

That number is sadly zero.

zero

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A young man called directory assistance.

“Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number

for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”

“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,”

the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”

The young man hesitated, and then said,

“Well, most people call me E Z.” 

Best-Street-Name-af

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When James Bond is out of his home country

of England, is he known as +44 07?

shoe_phone

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I saw a sign in a shop- ‘Mosquito nets £10’

I didn’t even know bugs could play the lottery.

Mosquito nets

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I told my mate that, in order to get laid,

I’d promised my girlfriend that

I’d marry her in the summer.

He said, “July?”

I said, “Of course I did.”

red-white-blue-july-1

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I once went out with a girl with

fiery red hair and a pale thin body.

I met her on Match.com

Match.com_logo

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I fell asleep whilst rafting the other day.

I just drifted off.

rafting

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My wife has rather annoyingly replaced all

the lightbulbs in the house with energy efficient ones.

I’ll never see her in the same light again.

energy efficient light bulbs

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It was my anniversary last week.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted

oral sex or a new pair of shoes…

I went head over heels. 

head over heels

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I’ve just watched a fantastic

movie with a twist at the end…

Oliver.

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Without Me, It’s Just Aweso!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Just playing about with words again.

Yes, it’s another pun day!

Endure or enjoy, whatever is your pleasure.

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I can’t help being lazy.

It walks in the family.

lazy

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To Err is human

To Aarrrgh is Pirate.

penguinpiratearghLOGO

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I spent today trying to force as many

road signs from the ground as I could.

I pulled out all the stops.

stopsigns

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My son’s been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday,

so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!

Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper on the web.

spider web

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The Wife bet me fifty bucks that

she could sing more football songs than me.

I beat her.

She had no Chants.

cheerleaders

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Barbie has an awful lot of nice mini skirts

for a girl whose knees don’t bend.

StarTrekKenBarbie

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What did the brown tooth say to the white tooth?

‘Iz it ‘coz I iz plaque?’

brown tooth white tooth

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Windows 8.

Such a pane!

Kipper Williams on Windows 8

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I read in the newspaper:

‘Two people killed in separate chain attacks’

That can’t be true I thought.

They must be linked.

chain

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It said on the News today that

“Cuts will hit the poor hardest”.

Why?

Can’t they even afford bandages?

bandaid

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A friend in the bar said, 

“I’ve just realized, your brothers Richard, Harold

and Charles are all named after kings.”

I said, ” Yeah, so! What’s your point?”

He said, ” Nothing. It’s your round Burger.”

burger_king_short

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The internet has become too politically correct.

What’s all this nonsense about disabled cookies?

In my day they were called broken biscuits.

disabled cookies

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I like to tell women that I’m responsible for

a large team of web designers.

I find it gets a better reception than saying

I live in an apartment that’s infested by spiders.    

cobwebs

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A guy walks into a bar and asks, “How much is your beer?”

The barman says, “$4 for a pint and $10 for a pitcher.”

“Just gimme me a pint then,” says the guy.

“I got enough photos already!”

bernard-schoenbaum-three-men-sit-at-bar-drinking-beer-on-each-man-s-shirt-is-one-letter-b-new-yorker-cartoon

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My friend asked to borrow some money after

losing his job at the local hospital as a Stool Sample analyst.

Of course I couldn’t let him down.

Not after all the shit he’s been through…    

stool sample

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I know this guy who hangs round on the corners of maps.

Legend.

map_legend

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Is your hair dull, lifeless and boring?

Well it’s hair, what else did you expect?

bad hair day

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I’ve spent five frustrating days

repeatedly shouting “Heal!” at my dog.

If it doesn’t work soon,

I might just have to take him to the vet.

mick-stevens-heal-cartoon

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I called the Suicide Help Line once,

saying that I felt like throwing myself in front of a train and needed help.

They told me to stay on the line.

man on railway line

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I walked into the hairdressers today.

The guy said, “Can I help you sir?”

I said, “I’m after a short cut”.

Then I walked through the shop and went out of the fire exit.

Cartoon shortcut. Normal cars, of course, had to go the long way.

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If an indoor shooting range is burning,

what does one scream to inform them? 

firing range

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