I was going to introduce today’s post by saying some like “I hope you are having a pun-tastic week”, but I thought I would sound like a demented DJ from the 1970s.
So I’ll just say hello and welcome and let you get on with the puns.
Enjoy or endure!!
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Lite:
the new way to spell “Light,”
now with 20% fewer letters!
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I was asked to man the phones
at work the other day.
So I went round and drew a
little mustache on all of them.
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Spelling…
It’s not brian surgery.
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Hamlet:
A small pig.
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According to my Spanish doctor
I have Hepatitis Yes
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My doctor told me to quit my helium addiction
before I got carried away.
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2B or not 2B?
I don’t think I’ve ever put this much thought
into which shade of pencil to use before.
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‘UK Man has first hand transplant.’
Surely that’s a second hand transplant.
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I was taking a short cut across a field the other day,
I was halfway across when the farmer approached me and said,
“Did you leave that small wooden step at the edge of my field?”
I replied, “No, it wasn’t me, that’s not my stile”
To give you a bit of a break from the normal quiz day – yes, I’m still watching the World Cup football and the final was yesterday. Well done Germany, commiserations Argentina.
So instead here is one taken by other people.
Twenty questions from a SAT Science Exam and, as well as being amusing, it is also a good commentary on the state of the education system these days.
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Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
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Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
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Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
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Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
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Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
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Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
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Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
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Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
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Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
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Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
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Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
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Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
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Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.
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Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
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Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
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Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
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Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
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Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
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Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
I thought we should start the year off with a little intellectual stimulation, in other words twenty test questions to get you all thinking.
It has been a while since we had one so I hope you are ready, willing and able.
As usual some of the questions are difficult, some are easy, some are a bit tricky and some are a combination of these.
Enjoy!
(The answers are waaaaaay down below, but please, no cheating!)
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Q 1. What is the collective term for a group of ravens?
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Q 2. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
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Q 3. What does the “WD” in WD-40 stand for?
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Q 4. An encyclopedia consists of ten volumes (sitting next to each other, in order, on a shelf). Each volume contains one thousand pages. Excluding the covers of each volume, how many pages are between the first page of the encyclopedia and the last?
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Q 5. Who was the first US President to visit China?
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Q 6. In a group of siblings, there are seven sisters, and each sister has one brother. How many siblings are there in total?
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Q 7. The first subway system in America was built in which city?
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Q 8. Forward I’m heavy, backwards I’m not. What am I?
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Q 9. Who received the Keys to the City of Detroit in 1980?
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Q 10. How many 3-cent stamps in a dozen?
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Q 11. Billie was born on December 28th, yet her birthday always falls in the summer. How is this possible?
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Q 12. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg is white” or “The yolk of the egg are white?”
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Q 13. A farmer has five haystacks in one field and four haystacks in another. How many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in one field?
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Q 14. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
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Q 15. If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a woodburning stove, which would you light first?
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Q 16. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
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Q 17. I am the owner of a pet store. If I put in one canary per cage, I have one bird too many. If I put in two canaries per cage, I have one cage too many. How many cages and canaries do I have?
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Q 18. Rearrange the letters in the words “new door” to make one word.
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Q 19. A mile-long train is moving at sixty miles an hour when it reaches a mile-long tunnel. How long does it take the entire train to pass through the tunnel?
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Q 20. What number comes next?
2, 2, 4, 12, 48, ___
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ANSWERS
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Q 1. What is the collective term for a group of ravens?
A 1. A group of ravens is called a murder.
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Q 2. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
A 2. The Hundred Years War lasted for 116 years
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Q 3. What does the “WD” in WD-40 stand for
A 3. The WD in WD-40 stands for Water Displacer
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Q 4. An encyclopedia consists of ten volumes (sitting next to each other, in order, on a shelf). Each volume contains one thousand pages. Excluding the covers of each volume, how many pages are between the first page of the encyclopedia and the last?
A 4. Eight thousand. When books sit on shelves, the first page of the book is the rightmost page, and the last page is the leftmost page. So you can’t count the pages in the first and last volumes.
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Q 5. Who was the first US President to visit China?
A 5. The first United States president to visit China was Richard Nixon
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Q 6. In a group of siblings, there are seven sisters, and each sister has one brother. How many siblings are there in total?
A 6. Eight, if each sister has just the one brother.
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Q 7. The first subway system in America was built in which city?
A 7. Most people guess New York, but the first subway system in America was built in Boston, Massachusetts in 1897.
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Q 8. Forward I’m heavy, backwards I’m not. What am I?
A 8. ton
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Q 9. Who received the Keys to the City of Detroit in 1980?
A 9. Saddam Hussein received the keys to the city of Detroit in recognition of large donations to a church. Oh, yes he did!!!
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Q 10. How many 3-cent stamps in a dozen?
A 10. Er… A Dozen, 12. I hope you didn’t say 4.
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Q 11. Billie was born on December 28th, yet her birthday always falls in the summer. How is this possible?
A 11. Billie lives in the southern hemisphere.
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Q 12. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg is white” or “The yolk of the egg are white?”
A 12. Neither. Egg yolks are yellow.
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Q 13. A farmer has five haystacks in one field and four haystacks in another. How many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in one field?
A 13. One. If he combines all his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
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Q 14. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
A 14. The time is 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
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Q 15. If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a woodburning stove, which would you light first?
A 15. The match.
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Q 16. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
A 16. Temperature.
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Q 17. I am the owner of a pet store. If I put in one canary per cage, I have one bird too many. If I put in two canaries per cage, I have one cage too many. How many cages and canaries do I have?
A 17. Four canaries and three cages.
If you put one canary in each cage, you have an extra bird without a cage. However, if you put two canaries in each cage then you have two canaries in the first cage, two canaries in the second cage and an extra cage.
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Q 18. Rearrange the letters in the words “new door” to make one word.
A 18. “new door” can be rearranged into “one word”
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Q 19. A mile-long train is moving at sixty miles an hour when it reaches a mile-long tunnel. How long does it take the entire train to pass through the tunnel?
A 19. 2 minutes (The back of the train would be at the beginning of the tunnel after 1 minute, and would leave the end of the tunnel at the 2 minute mark.
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Q 20. What number comes next?
2, 2, 4, 12, 48, ___
A 20. 240.
To get the number, multiply the previous number in the series by its position.
There has to be a little bit of truth at least in the saying that you get the politicians you deserve. If you vote for morons then I’m afraid the odds are that you’ll get stupid laws, rules and regulations.
It’s a worldwide disease, but here is a continuation from last Wednesday of some of the lesser known laws that govern the good citizens in the United States (listed by state alphabetically, last week we covered A to L, this week it’s the M’s and N’s.).
Enjoy (or cringe, perhaps).
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MAINE
To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law. (Finally a law that is half sensible.)
Mercury thermometers may not be sold in the city.
It is illegal to park in front of Dunkin Donuts. (Hmmm, so that’s why there’s always a cop car outside it.)
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MARYLAND
It’s illegal to take a lion to the movies. (So dinner and a what then?)
An establishment using a strobe light must post a warning sign for epileptics. (They might have a fit if you didn’t.)
You may not curse inside the city limits. (WTF!)
It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. (Mine has sleeves, they’re short, but it has sleeves.)
Any person caught committing adultery is subject to a $10 fine. (Bill Clinton would probably consider that good value for money!)
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MASSACHUCETTS
At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches. (That’s dead mean.)
It is a crime to own an explosive golf ball.
Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. (That’s the only day I go to Church.)
It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath. (Oh, oh! I usually just take a shower.)
Selling arsenic-laced candy is subject to a $100 fine.
A woman can not be on top in sexual activities. (Yes, men are much better – awe, come on!)
Quakers and witches are banned.
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MICHIGAN
Willfully destroying your old radio is prohibited.
It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday.
Seducing or debauching an unmarried woman can earn five years in jail. (Or a much longer sentence if you have to marry her!)
It is illegal to let your pig run free in Detroit unless it has a ring in its nose. (What swine thought that one up?)
There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.
In Flint one who wears “saggy pants” can be jailed for four months.
A woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission. (So can she get a hairdresser or another woman to do it?)
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MINNESOTA
It is illegal to stand around any building without a good reason to be there. (I thought it was just supposed to be tents? You know loitering within tent?? See what I did there???)
A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head. (That one is quackers.)
Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head. (Are they subject to a paltry fine?)
Red cars may not drive down Lake Street, Minnieapolis.
Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays. (Hot dog!)
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MISSISSIPPI
If one is a parent to two illegitimate children, that person will go to jail for at least one month.
It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is.
A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her. (Who would do a thing like that?)
It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public. (Stiff penalties no doubt!)
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MISSOURI
It is a crime to let an unaltered jackass run at large. (I’ve forgotten, who are Missouri’s Congressional Representatives?)
No person may own a PVC pipe. (No Blue Man Group in Missouri then.)
It’s illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. (Like I said before, a good night out ruined.)
A milk man may not run while on duty.
It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants. (And, I imagine, quite expensive.)
Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely. (Good law, give ‘em something that can kill people instead of just annoy them.)
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MONTANA
One may not pretend to abuse an animal in the presence of a minor. (You mean you have to do it for real?)
It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone. (Baaaaaaad law.)
In Helena it is an offence to let your water sprinkler wet a passer-by. (Well really, the very idea!)
It is a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail. (Try enforcing that one!)
It is illegal for a man and a woman to have sex in any other position other than missionary style. (Oh boy, knowing it’s illegal makes it even better!)
Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them. (Without reservations?)
It is illegal to bring a bomb or rocket at city council proceedings.
Worrying squirrels will not be tolerated. (You hear that Frank?)
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NEBRASKA
If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.
It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license. (Straight up?)
Doughnut holes may not be sold.
It is illegal to do a reverse bungee jump. (Surely that’s stretching things a bit?)
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NEVADA
It’s still “legal” to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.
A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day. (Do I hear a stampede of cheapskates heading for Nevada?)
It is illegal to lie down on the sidewalk. (That’s okay, I usually just fall down.)
Owning a slave is against the law. (Er… isn’t it everywhere?)
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NEW HAMPSHIRE
On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up. (Remember to keep your eyes shut then.)
It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.
Spite fences cannot be higher than five feet. (Try looking over that, shorty!)
A law against shooting humans has been repealed. (Hands up sucker!)
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NEW JERSEY
It is illegal to wear a bullet-proof vest while committing a murder. (But weapons are okay?)
In Paterson it is illegal for an ice cream vendor to be annoying.
You cannot pump your own gas. (Oh yes I can, just listen.)
It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
It is against the law to “frown” at a police officer.
You may not slurp your soup. (But it tastes nicer that way.)
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NEW MEXICO
Nudity is allowed, provided that male genitals are covered. (Bollocks!)
Women may walk in public topless provided they have their nipples covered. (Where’s the point?)
It’s forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public. (Even their heads?)
Abusing a computer is a crime.
You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street in Las Cruces.
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NEW YORK
Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business. (Provided what is not being used as a business?)
It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing “body hugging clothing”. (That’s the law lycra or not!)
Citizens may not greet each other by “putting one’s thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers”. (Now that would just be as dumb as this law, wouldn’t it?)
The penalty for jumping off a building is death. (I understand the gravity of this law.)
A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door. (Farting is permitted is it?)
Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 PM (When else would you wear them?)
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NORTH CAROLINA
It’s against the law to sing off key. (Thank goodness Mrs Miller is from Missouri.)
In Transylvania County a Dalmation is deemed to be a “potentially dangerous” breed of dog. (Well spotted!)
Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled. (Now that’s a new name for them!)
Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.
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NORTH DAKOTA
It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
Beer and pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
Only US Citizens can be appointed to the Dry Pea and Lentil Council. (Naturally! What would foreigners know about such things?)
It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon. (How can you be on horseback and in a covered wagon at the same time?)
One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.
A food seller cannot be held responsible for making someone fat.
It isn’t often that there is the opportunity to report a victory of the common man over the banksters. But a few years ago one did happen when a 71-year-old British farmer, from Northumberland, won a £300,000 settlement from his bank after what he described as years of frustration and pain.
Although the bank settled, shortly before the case went to the British High Court, the farmer, Mr David Cannon, said he still felt as though he had not got justice. “They could give me every penny on the planet, but it still couldn’t put it right. It’s taken 10 years away from me. To them it’s monopoly money, but to me it’s all I’ll get.”
His problem was with the National Westminster Bank plc, and began in May 1990. It centered on £70,000 which Mr Cannon claimed went missing somewhere between his own account, his son’s personal and business accounts and an account belonging to his son’s business partner.
He is convinced the money had disappeared gradually during “dozens and dozens” of transfers between the accounts. Naturally the NatWest Bank always strongly denied that the money went astray.
The legal proceedings started way back in 1991, and the Cannons were forced to sell their 300-strong herd of prize-winning Ayrshire cows to fund their case. Mr Cannon said: “It was heart-breaking having to sell the herd, and soon I, and especially my wife, had problems with our health.”
After four-and-a-half years of deadlock with the legal proceedings Mr Cannon decided enough was enough. He borrowed a muck-spreader and chugged into Newcastle-upon-Tyne on his tractor.
In a little over two minutes, he blasted four tons of slurry over NatWest’s Mosley Street branch.
Phew!!!
Stonemasons spent two weeks clearing up and Mr Cannon was fined £2,000. But undeterred, a year later, he subjected the bank’s Ponteland branch to the same exterior decoration.
He really was giving them shit!
Still the dispute dragged on, until December 1998, by which time Mr Cannon had lost patience once again. This time he blocked the door of the Grey Street branch of the bank with his tractor.
Ten months later he returned to the Ponteland branch, baffling staff by measuring the entrance. The next day he forced the doors open with his tractor and barricaded himself inside, nailing fence rails across the doorway. This bank job cost him another £600.
His final fling occurred the following June 12, when he dumped a five-ton load of shit on the doorstep of the Ponteland branch and returned to his farm – pursued by police. Amazingly, he managed to reload and chugged back to the bank, where he made a second five-ton deposit. A low-speed chase ensued, the police puncturing the 10mph tractor’s tyres with a ‘stinger’.
Mr Cannon was charged with criminal damage, dangerous driving, driving without an excise licence and failing to stop for a police officer. He was given a 60-day suspended sentence and ordered to pay £845.60 compensation plus £250 costs.
Mr Cannon, a former bare-knuckle boxer, said: “But fortunately it was in my nature to fight them. Breeding cattle was my life.”
The bank, NatWest issued a token 63-word statement which denied any admission of liability. They refused to add to it when questioned by reporters.
Simon Pitkeathley of the British Bankers’ Association, says angry customers would do better to follow the conventional complaints procedure or move your account elsewhere, said: “Mr Cannon’s behaviour obviously can’t be condoned.”
But I liked it. Good one Mr C.
The big question is, by awarding £300,000 to a man who has taken direct action, has the bank set a dangerous precedent for those distressed customers contemplating direct action? Wouldn’t it be great if they were in for loads more shi……I mean, bother?
Until I start to write a post I’m never sure just where it is going. Some days it is a rant, some days more humorous, and occasionally it is a day for highlighting the unusual, something that caught my attention in the media. This is one of those latter days.
Today is the story of Winston Howes, perhaps the most unusual farmer in Britain.
Personally I have always been the type of person who likes to give flowers and tributes to people while they are still around to enjoy them, rather than a grand oration at a funeral or a ritual visit to a graveside every anniversary or whatever, after they have passed.
But other people think differently, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Most do just what I have said I don’t, but Winston Howes, the farmer in Britain has taken it a step farther than most.
Howes’ wife for some 33 years Janet died seventeen years ago and he felt he wanted to create a lasting tribute to her memory. So, being a farmer, Howes set aside a 6-acre plot in his 112-acre farm near the town of Wickwar, and spent a week planting six thousand oak saplings, leaving a perfectly heart-shaped clearing in the middle. He also planted daffodils in the middle that bloom every spring.
The heart measures about an acre in size and points to the childhood home of Howes’ wife. It is bordered by a bushy hedge and is only accessible from a track leading to the tip.
Despite it’s size it is a private tribute because unless you get an aerial view you would never know it is there at all. Howes has flown over his farm to get the full aerial effect, just like Collett (his late wife) he says, but mostly he just retreats there to the secret meadow to sit and reflect.
fasab 