All Generalizations Are False.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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All generalizations are false, except for the one that says people enjoy puns or word plays.

Just to prove the point here is another selection.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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There are only five vowels but

nobody’s ever thought to ask y.

y

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A 600 pound man committed suicide

by jumping into a ravine.

He gorged himself to death.

cartoon fat man

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What do you call a

vicar on a motorbike?

Rev.

vicar on a motorbike

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I lost my job as Donald Duck at

Disneyworld after I put on some weight.

I just didn’t fit the bill.

Donald Duck at Disneyworld

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Mirror inspecting is a job

I can’t really see myself doing.

looking in mirror

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My friend’s wife is really ugly.

So I asked him one day,

“Why do you take her out so much?”

“So I don’t have to kiss her goodbye,” he confessed.

ugly wife cartoon

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An ice rink is a good place

to go to pick up women.

ice rink women falling down

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I wouldn’t say the cruise ship was old

but it was insured against fire, piracy,

and falling off the edge of the world.

old cruise ship

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If I get one more request to do a somersault,

I’m gonna flip.

somersault

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If vegetarians love animals so much,

why do they eat all their food?

vegetarians

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I left my last girlfriend because

she wouldn’t stop counting.

I often wonder what she’s up to now.

cartoon girl counting

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My son is learning to play the guitar

How clef-er.

Wonder if he’ll ever be as good as this kid?

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Ebay Accounts Are Forbidden.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Sadly WordPress doesn’t let you bid on these posts either. I wonder why not?

Still, never mind, we have another Pun Day to look forward too now.

So….

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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WANTED:

Assistant required to fill

hourglasses with sand.

No timewasters.

 hourglasses

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When bakers have a fight

They go at it all Buns Glazing.

 bakers fight buns

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My friend is really interested in magnets.

Personally, I can’t see the attraction.

 magnets

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Some bloke just barged into my caravan

accusing me of being the world’s worst psychic.

I don’t know what he was thinking.

 world's worst psychic

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I entered a cartoonist competition today,

there were five of us in it,

we drew..

 cartoonist drawing

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How do trespassers get in your house?

Intruder window.

 Intruder window

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This morning a beautiful blonde

came up to me in the street

and wrote her phone number on my hand

in bright yellow felt tip pen…

… It was the highlight of my day !

 bright yellow felt tip pen

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I gave my son a faceless coin.

He couldn’t make head nor tails of it.

 faceless coin

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If I see one more person misuse an apostrophe

I think Ill go completely nut’s !

 misuse an apostrophe

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I am permanently hooked up to a device

which gives me an electric shock

if I say something negative.

It’s not ideal, but I can’t complain

 electric shock

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I’ve noticed that chess players

always close the door behind them

Do you think they don’t like draughts?

 chess game thomas crown affair

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Somebody closed the lid on my piano.

Now i can’t open it because the keys are inside.

 closed lid on piano

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My friend has just directed his

own under-budget documentary,

“Living with the World’s Smallest Bath”.

I thought I’d give him a little plug.

 little plug

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You can tell the sex of an ant

by dropping it into a jug of water.

If it sinks: girl ant

If it floats: boy ant

 jug of water

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The number of people who shout

“Boo!”

to their friends has risen by 85%.

That’s a frightening statistic.

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China Really Raises A Lot Of Red Flags…

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Maybe that’s something China and puns have in common because they tend to raise a few red flags for some people too.

Not for us, though, because I know you are here for Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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Two silkworms had a race

– it ended in a tie.

 two silk worms had a race

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If you attached a bunch of

watches together to make a belt

it would be a waist of time.

 belt made of watches

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I don’t really know maths too well.

Until recently I thought logarithms

were a brand of laxative.

 logarithms brand of laxative

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As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola,

I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror.

I think that says alot.

 mirror

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A fella in the bar asked me what it’s like to be married.

I said, “Amaze.”

He asked, “You mean amazing?”

I replied, “No, I mean it’s hard to get out of.”

 maze

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I’ve been assembling a condiment army.

It is now fully mustered.

 mustered mustard

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I was asked if I had any plans

for National Nudity Day…

I said “I’ve got nothing on”.

 National Nudity Day

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My little brother cut himself with

a razor shaving this morning.

“How Gillette that happen?” I asked.

 

cut himself with a razor shaving

 

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My dad was a man of few words.

We always beat him at Scrabble.

 Scrabble

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A friend once asked me,

“Do you think you could have an

eraser at both ends of a pencil?”

“I suppose you could,” I replied,

“but what would be the point?”

 eraser at both ends of a pencil

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A large area of the alphabet has been destroyed

in what is thought to have been a terrorist attack.

It’s not yet known who had anything to do with this atrocity.

But early reports indicate G had.

 flaming g

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My friends had a good laugh

at my expense last night.

I paid for them to go

and see a comedian.

 clipart comedian

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What’s the gayest type of question?

A query.       

 query

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My son asked me what

the opposite of a lie is.

It’s a true story.

 a true story

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Was just looking at the all time

top 10 movies list online.

I was surprised Seven wasn’t there.

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Time To Unveil The Skeleton In The Closet – It’s Fasab Fact Day.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Unveiling the skeleton in the closet is just one of today’s fascinating fasab facts.

Many more interesting snippets below as well.

I hope you enjoy.

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facts 04

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Marijuana and beer have more in

common than you would think.

Beer’s hops are in the same family

of flowering plants as cannabis.

Marijuana and beer

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Lewis and Clark were trying to get 40 horses

from an Indian Tribe to cross the Rockies safely.

The negotiations were getting nowhere

until their interpreter found out

she was the Chief’s long lost sister.

The girl, Sacagawea, had been

taken as a slave as a child.

This changed the direction of the talk and

Lewis and Clark’s party got their horses.

Sacagawea with Lewis and Clark

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While Sean Connery was taking

martial arts lessons for a Bond film,

his instructor got angry and broke his wrist.

The instructor was Steven Seagal.

Steven Seagal

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Physicists at the National Autonomous

University of Mexico figured out a way

to make artificial diamonds out of tequila.

Sadly, the synthetic diamonds are too small

to be turned into jewelry, but they can be used

for an array of electronic and industrial purposes.

National Autonomous University of Mexico

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The Giza pyramids are guarded

by the Great Sphinx,

the largest monolith statue in the world.

The face of the Sphinx is generally believed

to represent the face of the Pharaoh Khafra.

Great Sphinx of Giza

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The Titanic is the only ocean liner in history

that has been sunk by an iceberg.

The Titanic

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The polar bear is an excellent swimmer

and often will swim for days.

One bear swam continuously for 9 days

in the frigid Bering Sea for 400 miles (687 km)

to reach ice far from land.

They usually swim at a speed of 10 km/h (6 mph).

polar bear is an excellent swimmer

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Because the heart has its own electrical impulse

it can continue to beat even when separated

from the body, as long has it has a supply of oxygen.

The rest of your body does not do so well

without the heart attached.

heart has its own electrical impulse

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YouTube has signed up thousands of

advertising partners, including titans of the

entertainment industry such as Disney, Univision,

Channel 4, and Channel 5 among many others.

Most of these partners are making six figures a year.

YouTube advertising partners

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The biggest on-pad explosion at Cape Canaveral

happened on March2, 1965,

when the Atlas Centaur 5 exploded,

after a fuel valve closed causing the booster engines

to lose upward thrust two seconds after liftoff

and the rocket fell back on the launch pad.

The explosion created a 200 foot high fireball

and the launch pad remained out of operation

for a year following the incident

Atlas Centaur 5 explosion

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In nineteenth-century England, the periodical

‘The Eclectic Review’ used the idiom

“Skeleton in the closet”

in reference to a family who desperately tried

to keep a son’s illness secret by hiding him

in the closet quite often,

especially when guests visited.

This is how this idiom got its start,

and today we use it to refer to when someone tries

to hide a big secret out of embarrassment and shame.

Skeleton in the closet

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J.J. Thomson won the Nobel in Physics (1906)

when he showed electrons were particles.

His son won it in 1937

for showing that electrons are waves.

J.J. Thomson won the Nobel in Physics 1906

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Because of the silly superstitions

surrounding the number 13,

there is no 13th Avenue in San Francisco,

instead Funston Avenue

is between 12th and 14th Avenues.

However, there is a 13th Street,

which is covered by the Central Skyway

making it one of the darkest and

ugliest streets in San Francisco.

Funston Avenue San Francisco

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The ‘Antquarium’, a special container

for keeping ants as pets,

sold all over the world,

was originally developed by NASA

for the purpose of research of animals in space.

Antquarium

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The average CD can hold 74 minutes’ worth of music.

That unusual length was determined by Sony’s president,

who decided that a single CD should be able to contain

the longest recorded version of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony.

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I Can’t Believe Pretzels Are Knot Bread.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Get it?

Pretzels, knot bread?

Never mind. Time to unravel a few more word plays.

It’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Here’s a good one for you,

Good one.

good one

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I went to the museum to feed the animals

But they were all stuffed

stuffed animals in museum

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Those disposable cameras

are a complete con.

Now I have absolutely no record

of a perfectly lovely holiday.

 

disposable cameras.

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My girlfriend said she was going to

leave me because of my obsession with

pointing out inanimate objects…

So I showed her the door.

man pointing

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My son has been asked

to sign for his local team.

To be honest,

I never knew they were deaf.

boy with foorball

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Cadbury’s have brought out

a new box of chocolates

for inconsiderate people.

They’re self centered.

Cadbury's

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I run a business selling tiny models

of Buddha and Mohammed.

Sales aren’t the best but

I’m making small prophets.

tiny model of buddha

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Everyone’s blaming me for the

animal noises on the video conference at work.

Seems I’ve been made into a Skypegoat.

skype_logo

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The English language

is the best in the world.

It just has a certain…

je ne sais quoi.

je ne sais quoi

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My family abandoned me,

my ex-girlfriend took everything I own,

and my children hate me

all because of my constant optimism.

Still, it could be worse.

optimism

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My wife asked me for a

new wardrobe last Christmas,

so I got her one.

Turns out she just wanted clothes

new wardrobe

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I’m looking forward

to my dirty weekend.

Wash the car,

clean the garden,

take rubbish out……

dirty weekend

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I got water trapped in my ears

after having a shower this morning.

It was a near deaf experience.

water trapped in my ears

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If you like women

as well as the next man

you’re probably bi-sexual.

Bisexual!

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What’s the temperature in Motown ?

Three degrees, four tops…

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Being Calm Is Not Something I Rate.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But of course something I do rate are puns.

Here’s some more.

Enjoy or endure!!!

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rofl

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Polce Toay Announce They Are

Nvestgatng A Strng Of ID Thefts.

ID Thefts

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I hate washing up liquid.

Washing up solids is much simpler.

washing up liquid

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My girlfriend is leaving me because I’ve got alopecia.

oh well it’s hair loss.

alopecia

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Cryptographers make terrible drummers.

They just sit there, fascinated by all the cymbals.

drummer

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My new job as a taxidermist is pretty boring.

All I do is sit around and stuff.

taxidermist

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My son is cold and calculating

I’ve turned the heating off whilst

he does his maths homework.

homework

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Got an insurance quote today for my car.

They offered me a fire-and-theft policy.

I thought, “Who’d nick a car that was on fire?”

"Why's your fire-and-theft policy so cheap?"

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“When might we take the kids to Disneyland?”

the wife asked me a few weeks ago.

I thought about it, and replied, “May.”

It’s been a blast watching her pack,

and the kids getting excited.

All I did was correct her grammar.

Disneyland

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A man walked over to a kid playing with a

huge lizard and asked if he could see it.

After fiddling around with it for a few moments,

he asked what its name was.

The kid replied with, “Tiny.”

“How on Earth did you ever get a name like that

for such a huge creature?” the man asked in awe.

The kid replied with, “Because he’s my newt!”

newt

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My wife is a mute.

She communicates by embroidery.

It’s her own version of sign language,

sew to speak.

embroidery

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I can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory

after all the extra hours I put in.

clock factory

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I heard vandals have broken into

an origami exhibition

and ruined all the exhibits.

Police are trying to work out

how it all unfolded.

origami

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My gym instructor pointed at fifteen heavy dumbbells

and told me I had to lift them all

over the next quarter of an hour.

Weight a minute…

fifteen heavy dumbbells

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What do you call seafood in a cement mixer?

Hardcore prawn.

cement mixer

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News just in:

Stevie Nicks has announced her

engagement to William Shatner.

When they get married she will

be known as Stevie Shatner Nicks.

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It’s Hard To Explain How Good I Am At Describing Things!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But I can still describe today 

–  it’s Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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If you think you dream in color,

is it just a pigment of your imagination?

dreaming in color

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My boss fired me for complaining about the office escalator,

It didn’t go down well.

office escalator

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First guy: “What would you do if your son told you he was gay?”

Second guy: “I’d buy him a straight jacket.”

straight jacket

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Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory.

The manager asks, “Have you worked with chemicals before?”

Paddy replies, “Yes.”

The manager then asks, “Can you tell me what nitrate is?”

Paddy replies, “Yes, it’s time and a half.”

job interview cartoon

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I was on holiday in the Alps

when I saw a sign saying ‘Ski Hire’.

So I went a bit further up the slope.

ski hire

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I’ve just bought a shire horse.

As if my other horse wasn’t shy enough.

shire horse

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I keep having recurring nightmares where

I’m in a hospital surrounded by loads of pregnant women.

Could I be going through a midwife crisis?

cartoon hospital

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I’ve just got a job testing hover boards.

The money’s not great,

but it keeps me off the streets.

hover boards

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Pirate cheerleaders have it easy.

“Give me an R!”…

Pirate cheerleaders

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A guy came up to me the other day and said,

“I’m a 3-5 stringed instrument of the harp family,

popular among nobles in medieval Europe.”

I said, “You’re a lyre!”

 

lyre

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It will be Google’s birthday soon.

They’re planning a search party.

Google’s birthday

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I went for a depression test.

Came back negative.

Oh, NO!

depression test

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I rang SeaWorld the other day,

because I wanted some information.

Before I got through to an employee,

I got a tape telling me

“This call may be recorded for training porpoises.”

training porpoises

.

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If someone asks you to

spell “Part A” backwards,

don’t do it.

It’s a trap……

a trap

.

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Steppenwolf was an assumed name.

He was born Toby Wild.

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