I Can’t Believe Pretzels Are Knot Bread.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Get it?

Pretzels, knot bread?

Never mind. Time to unravel a few more word plays.

It’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

.

.

Here’s a good one for you,

Good one.

.

.

I went to the museum to feed the animals

But they were all stuffed

.

.

Those disposable cameras

are a complete con.

Now I have absolutely no record

of a perfectly lovely holiday.

 

.

.

My girlfriend said she was going to

leave me because of my obsession with

pointing out inanimate objects…

So I showed her the door.

.

.

My son has been asked

to sign for his local team.

To be honest,

I never knew they were deaf.

.

.

Cadbury’s have brought out

a new box of chocolates

for inconsiderate people.

They’re self centered.

.

.

I run a business selling tiny models

of Buddha and Mohammed.

Sales aren’t the best but

I’m making small prophets.

.

.

Everyone’s blaming me for the

animal noises on the video conference at work.

Seems I’ve been made into a Skypegoat.

.

.

The English language

is the best in the world.

It just has a certain…

je ne sais quoi.

.

.

My family abandoned me,

my ex-girlfriend took everything I own,

and my children hate me

all because of my constant optimism.

Still, it could be worse.

.

.

My wife asked me for a

new wardrobe last Christmas,

so I got her one.

Turns out she just wanted clothes

.

.

I’m looking forward

to my dirty weekend.

Wash the car,

clean the garden,

take rubbish out……

.

.

I got water trapped in my ears

after having a shower this morning.

It was a near deaf experience.

.

.

If you like women

as well as the next man

you’re probably bi-sexual.

.

.

What’s the temperature in Motown ?

Three degrees, four tops…

.

.

======================================

.

It Takes Guts To Go To Weight Watchers.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

And it takes guts to publish some of these word play jokes.

So strap yourselves in for another wicked selection.

Enjoy or endure!

.

.

My girlfriend keeps telling me that making

clothes based puns is really not funny.

Corset is!

.

.

My teacher asked the class,

“Can anybody name a sport that starts with a ‘T’?”

I said “Yes, golf.”

.

.

My son asked me where the most

dangerous place on earth is.

I’m stuck between Iraq Kandahar place.

.

.

I was speaking to a man from Syria today and he said,

“In my country, bear fighting is the most popular sport.”

“That’s revolting.” I replied.

“No,” he said. “That’s our second most popular.”

.

.

Teacher: “In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.”

Sammy : “You can’t fool me, Teacher…

snakes don’t have feet.”

.

.

A woman screamed, “No means no!” at me today.

I left soon after.

It was the shortest Spanish lesson I’d ever had.

.

.

I saved loads of cash on the new over-priced iPhone yesterday.

I didn’t buy one.

.

.

A note left for a pianist from his wife

“Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet.”

.

.

About to microwave some fruit.

Getting ready for a hot date.

.

.

I got arrested yesterday for stealing hay from a farmer.

I’ve been refused bale.

.

.

When my wife told me Scandinavian languages

don’t have the letter ‘R’ I immediately thought…

No way!

.

.

I’ve often wondered why it is called ‘Mooning’

when you’re actually showing ‘Uranus’?

.

.

As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.

It gives me the E B G B s

.

.

I heard someone say that nothing rhymes with orange.

No it doesn’t!

.

.

I used to live in a small town in Spain called Macarena.

But I don’t like to make a song and dance about it.

.

.

==========================================

.

It’s D-Day! – De Day For Puns Dat Is!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Yes, the day you all look forward to, pun day!

First, since it is June 6^th I’ll take the opportunity to recommend one of the best WWII movies ever made. Called “The Longest Day” it is a dramatic account of the Normandy Landings that took place on this day in 1944.

But back to today and those puns.

Enjoy!

.

.

Do you think that people who don’t want to be counted

have taken leave of their census?

.

.

Those who hate classical music have my symphony.

.

.

To qualify as an electrician these days

you have to pass a battery of tests.

.

.

Do people who steal trains have a loco-motive?

.

.

Do banks with competing loan rates

have a conflict of interest?

.

.

When they build a new hive

do bees have a house swarming party?

.

.

Is it just me……

or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing?

.

.

You won’t like me when I’m angry.

Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources.

The Credible Hulk.

.

.

I was in an English exam and they asked

“Write the past tense of ‘Think'”

I thought and thought about this for ages.

Eventually, I went for ‘Thunk’

I bought a carpet off this girl I’ve been dating.

We broke up, but at least I got a good shag.

.

.

Some yob attacked me down the local park tonight with a bat.

It was scary, but I was really impressed at how well he’d trained it.

.

.

We just started a new band this week.

We called it “999 Megabytes”.

Coz we haven’t done a gig yet.

.

.

I’ve just found that my Wii remote doesn’t work

if you take it out of the sync region.

Much like my wife.

.

.

The most common surname In China is Chang,

correct me if you think that’s Wong.

.

.

I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday,

and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

.

.

My dad never loved me as a child.

I can’t blame him really.

I wasn’t born until he was an adult.

.

.

I saw a slide with an 85 degree incline for sale the other day for $1000.

I thought that’s a bit steep.

.

.

My best friend is called Tiba.

Sometimes, I think he’s a bit backwards.

.

.

The wife is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes.

I asked her, “What can I do to stop my addiction?”

She said, “Whatever means necessary.”

“No it doesn’t,” I said.

.

===============================

.

When it comes to charity many people stop at nothing.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

We’re playing with the meanings of words again.

Yes it’s another pun day.

Enjoy!

.

.

Why do they call it a strip mall

if I’m the only one with my clothes off?

.

.

They say that all the best ideas will always fit on a beer mat.

Like a beer, for example.

.

.

When chatting up women, saying “you have beautiful eyes”

is one of the more cornea things to say.

They can see right through it.

.

.

If you want to see real change…..

Always pay with cash.

.

.

My girlfriend keeps telling me that making

clothes based puns is really not funny.

Corset is!

.

.

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,

do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

“Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”

.

.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

He decided to stick it out for one more year.

.

.

BA has made a statement about flights out of Heathrow:

“I ain’t getting on no plane, fool!”

.

.

There are 10 types of people in this world.

Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

.

.

Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?

Because you get a womb with a view.

.

.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea.

Does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

.

.

Is dancing cheek-to-cheek really a form of floor play?

.

.

It’s wasn’t that the man did not know how to juggle,

he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

.

.

I hate it when I find a piece missing from a jigsaw.

But I love it when I find a piece missing from a jigsaw.

.

=======================

.

Blunt Knives Are Pointless

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Blunt knives may be pointless, but let’s hope these puns aren’t.

Here we go with another selection of the word play bad jokes.

Enjoy.

.

.

He drove his expensive car into a tree

and found out how the Mercedes bends.

.

.

When two egotists meet,

it’s an I for an I.

.

.

I don’t know why the chicken did it

but crossing the road was poultry in motion.

.

.

I was walking down the street today when this hippie jumped

out of nowhere and shoved a joss stick in my face.

I was incensed!

.

.

When I was a kid I wanted to be a history teacher

but when I got older I realized there was no future in it.

.

.

One of the girls at the local S&M club had a birthday last week.

We had a whip round for her.

.

.

73% of women buy clothes but never wear them.

I’d like to meet those women.

.

.

The other week I made a joke about Alzheimer’s live on TV.

You should have seen the envelopes I got.

.

.

I hate germ warfare.

It gets right on my nerves.

.

.

The President says that terrorism poses a threat to every single person in the USA.

That doesn’t bother me – I got married last week.

.

.

A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

.

.

I used to hunt seals in my youth.
I’m getting a bit old for the club scene now.

.

.

Old McDonald had a farm.

Sang the cheery repossession man

.

.

Don’t take life too seriously;

No one gets out alive.

.

======================

.

Pun Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Yet another selection of those jokes you love to hate.

I wouldn’t guarantee the politically correctness of some of them, but enjoy them if you can!

.

.

How do Welsh people cross the road?

Caerphilly!

.

.

Are dwarfs the lowest form of human life?

.

.

What are the rules of gay poker?

Queens are wild and straights don’t count.

.

.

I had a mate who was suicidal.

He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

.

.

A little old lady takes her dead cats to a taxidermist to be stuffed.

“Would you like them mounted?” asked the taxidermist.

“Oooo no….” says the lady, “just snuggled up next to each other.”

.

.

A woman in the pharmacy sees a deal offering 5 boxes of tampons for a dollar.

She can’t believe how good the deal is and asks the manager, “Is that price correct?”

“Sure is,” says the manager, “It’s a special offer, 5 boxes for a dollar and there are no strings attached!”

.

.

Did you hear about the gay carpenter?

He always left a saw behind!

.

.

A psychotic rapist escaped recently from a mental institution for the criminally insane. He ran across the street to the laundromat hoping to find a change of clothes. Inside, he discovered two women, and forced them to have sex. Then he fled out the back door.

The next day the local newspaper headline read, “NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS!”

.

.

Irish bloke walks into a pub and says, “Drink of orange please landlord.”

The landlord asks, “Still orange?”

Irish fella replies, “Yes, I haven’t changed my mind.”

.

.

Two blondes walk into a building…

Wow, you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

.

.

What do you call a bloke with a one inch penis?

Justin.

.

.

After announcing he’s getting married, a Scotsman tells his pal he’ll be wearing a kilt.

‘And what’s the tartan?’ asks the mate.

‘Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress.’ he replies.

.

.

Two parrots on a perch.

One turns to the other and says, “Can you smell fish?”

.

.

What qualifications do you need to be a road sweeper?

None.

You just pick it up as you go along!

.

.

Good King Wenseslas called his local pizza parlour.

“Would you like your usual, sir?”

“Oh yes,” he replied. “Deep pan: crisp and even.”

.

.

A customer is ordering food in an Indian restaurant.

“Waiter, what’s this Chicken Tarka?”

The waiter replies, “it’s the same as Chicken Tikka, but it’s a little ‘Otter.”

.

==============================

.