All Generalizations Are False.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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All generalizations are false, except for the one that says people enjoy puns or word plays.

Just to prove the point here is another selection.

Enjoy or endure!!

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There are only five vowels but

nobody’s ever thought to ask y.

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A 600 pound man committed suicide

by jumping into a ravine.

He gorged himself to death.

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What do you call a

vicar on a motorbike?

Rev.

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I lost my job as Donald Duck at

Disneyworld after I put on some weight.

I just didn’t fit the bill.

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Mirror inspecting is a job

I can’t really see myself doing.

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My friend’s wife is really ugly.

So I asked him one day,

“Why do you take her out so much?”

“So I don’t have to kiss her goodbye,” he confessed.

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An ice rink is a good place

to go to pick up women.

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I wouldn’t say the cruise ship was old

but it was insured against fire, piracy,

and falling off the edge of the world.

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If I get one more request to do a somersault,

I’m gonna flip.

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If vegetarians love animals so much,

why do they eat all their food?

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I left my last girlfriend because

she wouldn’t stop counting.

I often wonder what she’s up to now.

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My son is learning to play the guitar

How clef-er.

Wonder if he’ll ever be as good as this kid?

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I Made A Chicken Salad Today. It Didn’t Even Eat It.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no ingratitude like the ingratitude of a chicken when you specially prepare a meal for it.

Still I can always make some soup!

Want some more word play?

Try these.

Enjoy or endure!!

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When someone says they are not in denial,

I never know whether to believe them…

 

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What’s another name

for an angry feminist?

A feminist.

 

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My girlfriend said I’m afraid of commitment.

Well…

I wouldn’t really call her my girlfriend.

 

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I haven’t slept for ten days,

because that would be too long.

 

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Newspaper headline:

Air strike planned

Well I hope it doesn’t last long,

I can’t hold my breath for more than 30 seconds.

 

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I once went out with a girl called simile,

I don’t know what I metaphor.

 

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The grenade factory is the one place

where being able to hear a pin drop

is a bad thing

 

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I had a camera but,

whenever I photographed people,

they came out looking bald-headed…

it was then I realized that

I was using Kojak film.

 

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Are Dementia and Alzheimers

two separate illnesses

or are they one and the same thing?

I can never remember.

 

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A minor background part actor

walks into a massage parlour and

asks if they are willing to provide sexual services.

The lady replies

“Sorry love, we don’t do extras.”

 

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My Grandad’s so old

that he remembers

when X Factor was

just a Roman Sun cream

 

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My girlfriend told me that

my Tom Petty obsession

is getting out of hand,

but I won’t back down on this one.

No I won’t

Back

Down

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Never Judge A Book By It’s Movie.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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That’s good advice in the title by the way.

Now for some good word plays or puns.

As ever….

Enjoy or endure!!

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What do you get if you cross

a mountain and a desert?

Tired feet.

 

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My girlfriend asked me,

“If you could have any super-power,

which one would you have?”

I said, “America.”

 

 

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Education is important but

becoming a model is importanter.

 

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The key to being funny is

to say smart things stupidly…

or was is it stupid things smartly?

Whatever,

it’s not rocket surgery.

 

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I used to see this girl across the road from me

but she closes her curtains now!

 

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I often say to myself,

“I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

 

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My friend and his wife are a fastidious couple.

He is fast and she is hideous.

(Or is it the other way round?)

 

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The instructions on my microwave meal

say ‘stir and recover’

How tiring do they think stirring actually is?

 

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How to fall downstairs.

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 10, 11

 

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And so, with a heavy heart,

I explained to the wife that I’ve

got too much iron in my blood.

 

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Scientists now think that global warming

is the main cause of documentaries and stupid laws

 

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I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West

could have been avoided completely if

cowboy architects had just made their

towns big enough for everyone.

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I Love Grandfather Clocks. Big Time!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And I love puns as well.

So brace yourselves for another selection of word plays.

Enjoy or endure!!

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It pains me to say it,

but I have a sore throat

 

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There was a knock at the door this morning,

so I opened it and there was a basin on the doorstep.

I thought, “I’d better let this sink in.”

 

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For the record I bought

a vinyl cleaning machine

 

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Having just punched a midget selling watches,

I know I’ve hit an all time low.

 

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Are there any fat people in Finland?

 

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Have you ever wondered what the

word for ‘dot’ looks like in braille?

 

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My girlfriend broke up with me

because of my obsession with puzzles.

There were a lot of cross words

 

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I can’t undo wrongs.

But I can write them.

 

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A friend dared me to steal a

flat-bottomed boat from the river.

I thought, “Why not. I’ll take a punt.”

 

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Everyone loved the baker.

He had a massive flan base.

 

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I don’t regard being a toastmaster a job,

it’s more a calling.

 

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The ten largest baseball stadiums hold

between 46,000 – 56,000 people.

Just some ballpark figures for you.

 

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My girlfriend asked me what I’d do with my life if I lost her.

I said it would be like breaking a pencil.

She said, “Do you mean it would be pointless?”

I said, “No, I’d just go out and buy another one.”

 

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I’ve just bought some ghost-shaped laxative tablets.

They scare the crap out of me.

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Ugh, Communism Just Has No Class.

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Communism may have no class but clever word play certainly does.

That’s our cue for another Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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I’m against picketing,

but I don’t know how to show it.

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I saw a man walking along the street

with a t-shirt that said ‘Free Hugs’.

I don’t know who ‘Hugs’ is,

but I’m sure they should release him.

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I went for a job interview at 

my local sandwich shop today.

As an aptitude test, the shop owner

asked me to make a beef sandwich

using only a spoon.

Unfortunately I didn’t get the job

– I couldn’t cut the mustard.

 

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A committee is a group of people

who keep minutes and lose hours.

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I was given the sack at work last month.

I suppose you have to expect that

when you play Santa Clause.

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I can’t speak for anyone else,

but I think I’m a terrible ventriloquist.

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My girlfriend talked me into putting

table salt into my bath today.

I think I’ve been brine washed.

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I saw a strange white bear at the zoo today.

It was mating with a female bear then it

suddenly it tried mating with a male bear.

I think it’s Bi Polar.

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Never employ someone who’s obsessed with graphs.

They’ll always be plotting behind your back.

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I got a real telling off yesterday

when we were visiting grandma.

She has a very hairy upper lip

and when we were leaving, she asked

me why I wouldn’t kiss her good bye.

Apparently my answer, “Sorry, must-dash,”

wasn’t the best choice of words.

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How does an angry Muslim close a door?

Islams it.

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I’ve just seen a sign in the post office that said

“Stamps sold by the book”.

It’s good to know that someone follows the rules.

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I decided to open an

exclusive hotel and casino

for people who have epilepsy.

It’s called Seizure’s Palace.

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I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds.

The cashier said, “Have you got a store card?”

I said, “No but I did get a budgie excited once.”

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My friend has just rung to say

he’s bought a bubble car.

He’s going to pop round in it later.

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China Really Raises A Lot Of Red Flags…

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Maybe that’s something China and puns have in common because they tend to raise a few red flags for some people too.

Not for us, though, because I know you are here for Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!!

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Two silkworms had a race

– it ended in a tie.

 

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If you attached a bunch of

watches together to make a belt

it would be a waist of time.

 

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I don’t really know maths too well.

Until recently I thought logarithms

were a brand of laxative.

 

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As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola,

I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror.

I think that says alot.

 

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A fella in the bar asked me what it’s like to be married.

I said, “Amaze.”

He asked, “You mean amazing?”

I replied, “No, I mean it’s hard to get out of.”

 

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I’ve been assembling a condiment army.

It is now fully mustered.

 

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I was asked if I had any plans

for National Nudity Day…

I said “I’ve got nothing on”.

 

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My little brother cut himself with

a razor shaving this morning.

“How Gillette that happen?” I asked.

 

 

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My dad was a man of few words.

We always beat him at Scrabble.

 

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A friend once asked me,

“Do you think you could have an

eraser at both ends of a pencil?”

“I suppose you could,” I replied,

“but what would be the point?”

 

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A large area of the alphabet has been destroyed

in what is thought to have been a terrorist attack.

It’s not yet known who had anything to do with this atrocity.

But early reports indicate G had.

 

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My friends had a good laugh

at my expense last night.

I paid for them to go

and see a comedian.

 

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What’s the gayest type of question?

A query.       

 

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My son asked me what

the opposite of a lie is.

It’s a true story.

 

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Was just looking at the all time

top 10 movies list online.

I was surprised Seven wasn’t there.

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It’s International Litarasy Day 2day

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Final Pun Day.

For this January that is. I hope I didn’t get your hopes up .  🙂

Here we go.

Enjoy or endure!

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The Inventor of the jug died today.

Tributes have been pouring in.

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I asked my friend if he is a compulsive shouter.

The answer was a resounding yes.

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Caught a bloke in the changing room earlier,

holding my jacket saying he thought it was his!

I think he was trying it on.

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I don’t like my wife going out drinking

with the girls from the nail bar.

They always end up getting hammered.

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This girl, Rene Wals, is obsessed with me.

She keeps sending me emails.

She works at GoDaddy, but I think she’s a moron

— she spells her name “Renewals.”

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The first rule of Palindrome Club is

si bulC emordnilaP fo elur tsrif ehT.

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Is a woman who can’t have a baby,

unbearable, impregnable or inconceivable?

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My girlfriend was complaining

that I never buy her flowers.

I didn’t even know she sold them.

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My wife asked me how much I like

the new GPS she bought for me

I replied, “Well, I’d be lost without it.”

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I think I first realized that my drinking

had got out of control when my doctor

referred me to a Bacardiologist.

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I call my weed “The Quran”

Because burning that shit will get you stoned.

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My wife found out that I’d been moving her

bookmark forward a few pages every night.

She really lost the plot.

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I was checking out this blonde girl,

when the librarian said,

“Sir, we only lend out books in here.”

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Girlfriend: You have to make a choice,

it’s either me or your career as a news reporter.

Me: Well, I’ve got some news for you then.

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A teacher asks her class

“Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood’s girlfriend?”

Little Paddy raises his hand and says

“Yes Miss, it’s Trudy Glen.”

“No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion.”

“But Miss, what about the song?

Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen.”

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= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

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I Can’t Believe Pretzels Are Knot Bread.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Get it?

Pretzels, knot bread?

Never mind. Time to unravel a few more word plays.

It’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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Here’s a good one for you,

Good one.

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I went to the museum to feed the animals

But they were all stuffed

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Those disposable cameras

are a complete con.

Now I have absolutely no record

of a perfectly lovely holiday.

 

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My girlfriend said she was going to

leave me because of my obsession with

pointing out inanimate objects…

So I showed her the door.

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My son has been asked

to sign for his local team.

To be honest,

I never knew they were deaf.

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Cadbury’s have brought out

a new box of chocolates

for inconsiderate people.

They’re self centered.

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I run a business selling tiny models

of Buddha and Mohammed.

Sales aren’t the best but

I’m making small prophets.

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Everyone’s blaming me for the

animal noises on the video conference at work.

Seems I’ve been made into a Skypegoat.

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The English language

is the best in the world.

It just has a certain…

je ne sais quoi.

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My family abandoned me,

my ex-girlfriend took everything I own,

and my children hate me

all because of my constant optimism.

Still, it could be worse.

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My wife asked me for a

new wardrobe last Christmas,

so I got her one.

Turns out she just wanted clothes

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I’m looking forward

to my dirty weekend.

Wash the car,

clean the garden,

take rubbish out……

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I got water trapped in my ears

after having a shower this morning.

It was a near deaf experience.

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If you like women

as well as the next man

you’re probably bi-sexual.

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What’s the temperature in Motown ?

Three degrees, four tops…

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To Be Fair, It Needs To Stop Raining.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But of course sometimes life isn’t fair.

Sometimes it’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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Tink my postmn is a thif

My leters keep gong misin

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I asked a French bloke

if he played video games.

He said Wii.

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Chickens don’t have friends.

They only have pen pals.

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I was sent on an anger management course.

Apparently it’s all the rage.

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Chewbacca forgets to delete his history before

letting his girlfriend use his computer

….wookie error

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My brother takes part in a weather

predicting contest every month.

He’s the raining champion.

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I used to know a depressed cross eyed girl…

She never looked forward to anything.

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There was a knock at the front door.

My wife answered it and said to me

”there’s a man at the door with a bald head’‘.

I said ‘‘tell him to get lost, I’ve already got one’‘

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I’m directing a cowboy movie called ‘The Sun’.

It’s set in the west.

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My wife just spent $100 getting a bikini wax.

What a flipping rip off.

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Is anyone here called Allen?

I think I found your keys

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I’m an alcoholic and have frittered the best 

years of my life away looking at the world

through the bottom of a glass.

All I ask for is another shot.

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There’s a certain stigma attached

to reproduction organs,

especially in flowers.

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Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu,

wanted to illegally live in America.

The brothers decide to change

their names to seem more American.

Bu changed his name to Buck.

Chu changed his name to Chuck.

And Fu got sent back to China.

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I went to a Motown reunion last night and

promised myself I wouldn’t suck up to any of the artists…

But The Temptations were there.

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Cashiers Are Always Checking Me Out.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And now it’s time for you to check out this week’s selection of word plays.

Yes, it’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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If you believe binoculars are overrated

then look no further.

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I hate it when I run out of Staples.

So do their security guards. 

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Dying cats pink, what’s next?

A Navy Seal?

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I spent most of last night in jail.

Try as I might, I just couldn’t roll a double.

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I missed my bus this morning.

I really shouldn’t get so sentimental about public transport.

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I’ve been asked out by a number of sexy women this week.

That number is sadly zero.

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A young man called directory assistance.

“Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number

for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”

“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,”

the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”

The young man hesitated, and then said,

“Well, most people call me E Z.” 

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When James Bond is out of his home country

of England, is he known as +44 07?

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I saw a sign in a shop- ‘Mosquito nets £10’

I didn’t even know bugs could play the lottery.

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I told my mate that, in order to get laid,

I’d promised my girlfriend that

I’d marry her in the summer.

He said, “July?”

I said, “Of course I did.”

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I once went out with a girl with

fiery red hair and a pale thin body.

I met her on Match.com

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I fell asleep whilst rafting the other day.

I just drifted off.

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My wife has rather annoyingly replaced all

the lightbulbs in the house with energy efficient ones.

I’ll never see her in the same light again.

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It was my anniversary last week.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted

oral sex or a new pair of shoes…

I went head over heels. 

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I’ve just watched a fantastic

movie with a twist at the end…

Oliver.

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