Puns About Monorails Always Make For Decent One-Liners.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It is just as hard to guage the size of a monorail as it is to guage the popularity of puns.

Here is another selection of word plays that may help you make up your mind.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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According to ‘serving suggestions’

I’m a family of four

 'serving suggestions

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Me and my friend used to spend

all our time together in a tree-house,

but then we fell out.

 tree-house

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I come from a small town

whose population never changes.

Every time a woman falls pregnant,

someone leaves town.

 woman falls pregnant

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A synanym is a word you use

in place of one you can’t spell.

 synanym

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It’s difficult to say something tongue-in-cheek

without people thinking you have a speech impediment.

 obama tongue-in-cheek

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 I had the right to remain silent,

unfortunately I didn’t have the ability.

 right to remain silent

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It’s my first session with the

Impatience Support Group is tonight

…….. I can’t wait.

 Impatience

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I realized I didn’t have many friends

when I tried to text Ben,

scrolled down my contacts list

and accidentally texted William.

 Contact list

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My doctor said to me,

“Do you know your sperm count?”

I said,

“No, I didn’t know they were that clever.”

 paul-noth-you-need-to-get-your-cholesterol-where-your-sperm-count-is-new-yorker-cartoon

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Did you hear about the American

who went on a holiday to India and

didn’t manage to see a single wig wam?

 wig wam

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How does a woman scare a Gynaecologist?

By becoming a Ventriloquist.

 scared Gynaecologist

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Finally, here’s a joke for

all the mind readers out there….

mind reader

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Did you like it?

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Nails Are One Thing You Don’t Want To Screw With.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Neither is Pun Day.

Another selection of wonderful word play for you to….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Sometimes pregnancy lasts so long

it seems like a maternity.

 pregnancy

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How many nihilists does it take

to sharpen a pencil?

One, but there’s still no point.

 nihilists

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I dropped my barometer earlier.

Just couldn’t handle the pressure.

 barometer

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What do you call a man

with three balls?

…a juggler.

 juggler

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Uncle Ben found dead.

No more Mr Rice guy.

 Uncle Ben

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I just invented a joke about helium.

Unfortunately it doesn’t go down well.

 helium

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You know that you’re getting old

when your narrow waist swaps

places with your broad mind.

 getting old

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Apparently a truck carrying boxes of wigs has overturned,

spilling its load across the freeway.

Police are combing the area.

 boxes of wigs

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I saw a woman crying as she

was buying tampons earlier.

Must be going through a

tough period in her life.

 woman crying

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This man was about to throw dough,

cheese and tomatoes at me.

I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

 pizza

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Looking after my kid is

proving to be expensive.

I’ve just had to buy a baby monitor,

for crying out loud.

 baby monitor

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The hospital told me there is a problem

with my son’s blood and he should have

a plasma screen as soon as possible.

They were going to charge me $10,000,

but I managed to buy him a 50″ HDTV

in WalMart for less than a grand.

 50 inch HDTV

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Now I hear that the NSA are employing

dwarfs to break into people’s homes

and install listening devices.

The little buggers.

 little buggers

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What happens if you swallow uranium?

You get atomic ache.

 uranium alert

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What do you call a Scottish lady who comes round

and decorates your bathroom?

Bonnie Tiler.

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Procrastinators Unite! …. Tomorrow.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Procrastinators may unite tomorrow if they want, but for the rest of us today is Pun Day.

Yes, more awful jokes and word play fun.

So, enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I just realised that

“stats”  is palindromic.

What are the odds of that?!

STATS

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“Hey Harry, how much were

those broom sticks?” Asked Ron.

“Quid each”, replied Harry.

quidditch

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I thought my wife was happy

to fully repair my jeans.

Or at least sew its seams.

repair my jeans

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I submitted a 16:9 picture of my farm

to the photography contest.

They didn’t like the crop.

16.9 picture of my farm

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My fine art and fragrances business has failed.

The perfumes sold well, but I didn’t really know

how to market the paintings I’d bought.

Now I’ve got more Monet than scents.

Monet - Water-Lily-Pond--Symphony-In-Rose

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You feel stuck with your debt

if you can’t budge it.

budget2013_BalancingTheBudget_new

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The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial

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I’m a judge in graffiti competitions.

It’s as exciting as watching paint dry.

graffiti competitions

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Ghetto blasters.

They’re an 80s stereotype.

lasonic-ghetto-blaster-famous-gold-edition-3

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I accidentally sprinkled marijuana into my mayonnaise.

It reminded me of Holland Days.

hollandaise-sauce

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I once got a butterfly high

by giving it concentrated speed.

It was a crystal moth

crystal moth

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When I broke the news to my little

brother that he had diabetes,

I tried not to sugarcoat it.

sugarcoat

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Constipation:

same old s**t,

different day.

constipation

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Is it just me or are Polish cleaners

really bad at brushing up?

Sorry that was a

sweeping generalization.

cleaners

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My laptop is broken.

It just keeps playing

“Someone Like You”

over and over again.

Probably because it’s a Dell.

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Would You Take The Bubble Baba Challenge?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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We’ll find out later whether or not you would take the Bubble Baba Challenge.

In the meantime have a look at this week’s selection of facts.

Enjoy.

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facts 02

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Harry Potter shares the same birth day

as his creator J K Rowling,

his is July 31, 1980 and

Rowling’s July 31, 1966.

Harry Potter

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A Yew tree located in the churchyard of

the village of Fortingall in Perthshire, Scotland,

is estimated to be 3,000 – 5,000 years old

which many believe makes it Europe´s oldest tree.

With its massive trunk of 52 feet (16 meters) in diameter,

the yew is still in good health and may last for many more centuries.

Yew tree located in the churchyard of the village of Fortingall in Perthshire, Scotland

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Thames Town is a little town situated in the heart of China

that is an imitation of a classic British city

with traditional English architecture, cuisine,

and even those classic red phone booths

we all identify with London.

Thames Town, China

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Still in China, “The Great Wall of China”

did not get that official name

until the end of the 19th Century.

Previously it had been known by names

such as “barrier”, “rampart”, “fortress”,  

“Purple Frontier” or “Earth Dragon”.

The Great Wall of China 5

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The United States has had some remarkable successes

in the field of space flight and exploration.

However it wasn’t always that way.

The very first time they tried to launch a satellite into orbit,

on December 6, 1957 (Vanguard TV3),

the rocket lost thrust only 4 feet (1.2 m) above the launch pad

and fell back to the ground, its fuel tanks

rupturing and creating a massive fireball,

damaging the launch pad and destroying the rocket.

Due to limited data measurement methods in these early days,

though, the cause was never fully determined.

Vanguard TV3 failed launch

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If you like Vodka then look out for a bottle of

“The Billionare Vodka“,

the world´s most expensive vodka.

It is first ice-filtered, then filtered through

Nordic birch charcoal and lastly passed

through sand made from crushed diamonds and gems.

It is sold in a platinum and rhodium encased,

diamond encrusted crystal bottle and

will set you back only $3.75 million dollars.

Cheers!

The Billionare Vodka

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No more time in the joint for smoking a joint,

at least not in the U.S. state of Washington,

the first state to officially legalize cannabis

in a state law in December 2012,

with the state of Colorado following close behind.

DC-US-Statue-Liberty-Smoking-Joint

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Ant queens can live for up to 30 years,

about 100 times longer than solitary insects of a similar size.

Workers live from 1 to 3 years.

Ant queen

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Eight US Presidents were born British subjects:

Washington, J. Adams, Jefferson, Madison,

Monroe, J. Q. Adams, Jackson, and W. Harrison.

Washington, J. Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, J. Q. Adams

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Jim the horse, a former milk wagon horse,

was responsible for curing diphtheria.

He was infected with diphtheria

but unlike other animals he didn’t die.

Doctors found that Jim’s immune system

was able to create antibodies to fight the disease

and this allowed doctors to make a serum for humans,

with great success, helping to save the lives

of millions of humans and animals around the world.

Jim the horse

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Al ‘Wallpaper’ Wolff is best remembered

as having been the last surviving member

of the group of eleven federal law-enforcement agents,

led by Eliot Ness, known as the Untouchables.

Wolff was the fearless agent and a ferocious

persecutor of those who obtained illegal alcohol.

Strangely, once he retired from law enforcement

and alcohol was legal he got involved in

the cocktail lounge business in Chicago.

He died in March 1998 at the age of 95.

Al 'Wallpaper' Wolff

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In 1827, world famous author Edgar Allan Poe

enlisted in the United States Army

using the false name “Edgar A. Perry”.

He claimed to be 22 years old

even though he was just 18.

Edgar Allan Poe young

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James Dean’s silver Porsche 550 Spyder,

the car he died in following an accident in 1955,

was known as the “Little Bastard”

and said to be cursed.

After it was sold for parts,

the car fell and crushed a mechanic’s legs;

later, a doctor who bought the car’s engine

was killed in a car accident;

another victim who bought the transmission

was severely injured in a crash;

the tires sold from Little Bastard

blew out simultaneously,

sending their buyer to the hospital;

and lastly a truck carrying the car’s shell crashed,

killing the driver.

Hmmmm….

James Dean’s silver Porsche 550 Spyder

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The Bird´s Nest Restaurant, located in

the Soneva Kiri Eco Resort in Thailand,

gives the customers privacy,

as well as the unique opportunity to

admire spectacular views while dining.

Tree nests hang 16 feet above the ground

and are served by waiters who use a zip line

to deliver the food and drinks.

A typical dinner for two costs about $450.

Birds-Nest-Restaurant-01

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Finally, time for those of a nervous disposition to look away.

Officially known as the “Bubble Baba Challenge”,

this is an unusual (to say the least) sporting event

where participants float down a river

embracing a rubber woman.

The idea was apparently dreamt up

by a Russian, Dmitry Bulawinov,

initially as a joke at a party

where the men got drunk! 

(It could have been worse!)

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Why Is Luke Always Warm?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I hope you are keeping warm too.

Warm enough to Luke at a few more word plays because it’s Pun Day again.

You know what’s next…

Enjoy or endure!.

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rofl

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Just been to Greenwich in London.

Had a mean time.

London-Greenwich_Mean_Time

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There’s something I don’t like

about using touch screen technology

I just can’t put my finger on it.

touch screen technology

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I’ve just been offered

a free sky diving experience.

I’m not falling for it.

sky diving

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‘It’s the quiet ones that you’ve got to watch’

Especially at mime shows.

mime shows

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My new bulimia charity campaign

has been quite successful.

I’ve received a lot of feedback.

bulimia girl

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What do you call

an Indian in a cupboard?

A hiding Sikh.

sikh park 6

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What is a cocaine addicts

favorite type of joke?

A one liner

one line of coke

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Shotgun wedding:

A case of wife or death.

Shotgun wedding

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A French man walks in to a chiropodists and says

“I’ve got problems with defeat”

feet

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I’ve started dating couches,

but I’ve had no luck sofa.

sofa

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It’s hard to say what my sister does,

working for a travel agency.

She sells Seychelles overseas tours.

working for a travel agency

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I always get back on my bike when I fall off.

I’m a firm believer in recycling.

get back on my bike

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My friend, Angus finds it funny

not to pronounce the letter ‘g’.

Bit of an asshole really.

angus

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I had a dream last night that

our local Market had shrunk.

I woke up and thought,

“That’s a little Bazaar.”

a little Bazaar

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I just came back from a Blur concert.

I didn’t see much.

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BREAKING NEWS: Repair Man Wanted.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Nothing broken here though, you’ll be glad to hear.

So let’s get on with a bit more word play that you love to….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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What did Salvador Dali have for breakfast?

A bowl of surreal.

salvador-dali-apparition-visage-compotier-plage

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There’s a bloke in Hungary who goes round from door to door

trying to convert people to Zen philosophy.

He’s a Buddha pest.

zen_buddhism_philosophy_and_mysticism

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If an Earl is awarded an O.B.E,

does he become an earlobe?

earlobe

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My mum’s got this weird fetish for sleeping with boxing gloves.

Her doctor thinks it’s just the menopause setting in,

but I just think she’s going through a rocky patch.

rocky

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Do you think the name for the head

of the Indian Mafia is ‘Poppa Don’?

Poppadoms

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My girlfriend asked me the other day,

“Dave, why do you always walk in front of me?”

I said, “I’m sorry, I don’t follow you.”

man walking in front of woman

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There’s a monster under my bed,

that plays loud music and dances around.

That damn boogieman.

 

boogie man

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I entered my dog in the redneck version of Crufts last week.

She won “Best Inbreed.”

redneck-dogs

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A man went to the doctor and said,

“I’m sick and tired of finishing crosswords so quickly!”

He said, “Try not to get two down sir.”

crossword

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I went to a fancy dress competition

dressed as Winston Churchill.

I thought my costume was great,

I had the hat, the suit, the bow tie, everything!

When I asked them whether I’d won,

they said I was close, but no cigar.

Winston Churchill

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I was in Wal Mart buying batteries today.

I asked the assistant if I would be better buying re-chargable

batteries or just get the cheapest and change them often.

“There’s positives and negatives with both,” she told me.

batteries

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My school has a really bad drugs problem.

Especially class A

a variety of drugs

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I was stopped by a policeman and

asked if I could identify myself.

I looked in the mirror and said,

“Yes officer, it’s definitely me.”

Looking In Mirror

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My wife said to me,

“Tonight, in bed, you can do anything you want”.

So I invited my secretary over.

secretary

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I’m in love with an eel

– that’s a moray.

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A Conversation With The Cat.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I was walking through the house

the other day with my camera

when I spotted the cat lying on a sofa.

“Hi there.” I said. “Whatya doin?”

“Just chilling out here on the sofa,’” she said.

cat1

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“I have a joke for you,” I said.

So I told her a joke.

It must have been a good one,

my how she laughed.

cat2

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Then I asked,

“Mind if I take your photo?”

“Oh no, no way,” she replied.

“I haven’t combed my fur or anything.”

cat3

 

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