I’m Sure I’ve Already Posted My Joke About Deja Vu!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

It’s Pun Day again.

Does seem a bit déjà vu right enough.

Your chance to giggle or groan, or perhaps a bit of both, as you read the latest word play offerings that we call puns.

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

Disposable beds are unreliable.

Disposable beds

.

.

My new band is called ‘DEAF’…

We’ve just been signed.

sign language alphabet

.

.

How subtle is the ‘b’ in subtle?

subtle

.

.

I’ve just fixed the work radio that

had been broken for months,

my colleagues were ecstatic.

You should have heard the reception I got.

radio

.

.

I’ve written a book on how to chop onions.

Read it and weep.

how to chop onions

.

.

What sections of swimming pools do I prefer?

Hmm… Depends.

swimming pools deep end

.

.

I’m contemplating inventing a plane with no wings

then selling it to British Airways.

I know what you’re thinking;

it’ll never take off.

airplane_no_wings

.

.

What do you call dyslexic owls?

Slow!

dyslexic owl

.

.

Remember the shock a few years ago,

when we discovered…

Tiger was really a Cheetah.

Tiger a Cheetah

.

.

I recently completed a PhD in Scottish poetry.

You could say I have third degree Burns.

Rabbie Burns

.

.

I used to live on the 13th floor but

have just moved up to the 14th floor

But that’s another storey. 

13th floor button

.

.

A policeman stopped me as I walked out

of an electrical goods store today.

He said, “Before I perform a search,

do you have anything sharp in your pockets?”

I said, “No, just Sony and Panasonic.”

sharp logo

.

.

I love playing chess at the park with old men.

The hard part is finding 32 of them. 

playing chess at the park with old men

.

.

Since I was a 14 year old lad,

I’ve dated girls in alphabetical order,

starting from A, in an attempt to one day make it to Z.

My newest girlfriend, Yvonne, is convinced I’ll go back to my X.

x

.

.

I was in a quiz the other day and my team,

along with another, tied for first place.

For the ‘tie-breaker’ we were asked one question,

and the first person to shout the correct

answer won it for their team.

The question was as follows.

‘In Paradise Lost, by John Milton,

what was the Capital City of Hell?’

No-one from either team knew the answer

so both teams started shouting loudly

and waving their arms in frustration

at the question being too hard.

Things got a bit heated and a fight broke out

between one team captain and the quiz master.

It was pandemonium.

pandemonium

.

================================================

.

Herbs For Sale: Please No Thyme Wasters!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Are you are looking for some really funny jokes?

Well, never mind.

Try these instead.

It’s Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!!

.

rofl

.

I just saw a bird playing chess in the park.

Toucan play at that game.

toucan

.

.

If a vacuum is a volume of space

that contains no matter or particles,

why did someone bother to invent a cleaner for it?

vacuum cleaner

.

.

My son got straight A’s in his italics exam.

Which actually cost him quite a few marks.

straight A's

.

.

24 years ago today the doctor delivered me.

I can’t believe I’ve survived so long without a liver.

liver

.

.

I just bought my 6 month old son one of those baby bouncers.

£10 an hour but he keeps the kid safe

bouncer

.

.

My wife used to be a regular customer at McDonalds.

These days, she’s more of a large.

McDonalds

.

.

Hearing aid for sale.

Give me a shout if you’re interested.

Man uses an ear trumpet

.

.

A man came up to me and said,

“Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.”

I said, “That is very annoying.”

He said, “Well I can only apologize.”

sorry

.

.

I’m lucky, I can always count on my wife.

She wears a lot of beads.

a lot of beads

.

.

“What’s done cannot be undone.”

They obviously didn’t have shoelaces in Shakespeare’s day.

What's done cannot be undone

.

.

So these two morons were making fun

of an old guy on the bus yesterday.

My friend said,

“You have to respect him, he’s a Vietnam vet.”

They just said

“What’s it to us if he helps animals in Vietnam.”

Vietnam vet

.

.

Why did I say I’d win that giant butterfly contest?

Me and my big moth.

big_AZZ_moth

.

.

I just saw two bits of sellotape stuck to a lamppost.

Must have been a missing poster.

funny-missing-picture

.

.

My girlfriend was devastated to find out

that my friends call me

‘The Love Machine’

because I’m terrible at tennis.

terrible at tennis

.

.

Finally for today, this ring cymbalizes so much to me.

.

http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rimshot&play=true

.

================================================

.