Why Is Luke Always Warm?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I hope you are keeping warm too.

Warm enough to Luke at a few more word plays because it’s Pun Day again.

You know what’s next…

Enjoy or endure!.

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Just been to Greenwich in London.

Had a mean time.

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There’s something I don’t like

about using touch screen technology

I just can’t put my finger on it.

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I’ve just been offered

a free sky diving experience.

I’m not falling for it.

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‘It’s the quiet ones that you’ve got to watch’

Especially at mime shows.

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My new bulimia charity campaign

has been quite successful.

I’ve received a lot of feedback.

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What do you call

an Indian in a cupboard?

A hiding Sikh.

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What is a cocaine addicts

favorite type of joke?

A one liner

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Shotgun wedding:

A case of wife or death.

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A French man walks in to a chiropodists and says

“I’ve got problems with defeat”

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I’ve started dating couches,

but I’ve had no luck sofa.

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It’s hard to say what my sister does,

working for a travel agency.

She sells Seychelles overseas tours.

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I always get back on my bike when I fall off.

I’m a firm believer in recycling.

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My friend, Angus finds it funny

not to pronounce the letter ‘g’.

Bit of an asshole really.

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I had a dream last night that

our local Market had shrunk.

I woke up and thought,

“That’s a little Bazaar.”

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I just came back from a Blur concert.

I didn’t see much.

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I Decide Which Beer To Drink On A Case By Case Basis!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What other way can you sample beer?

While you are thinking about that here are a few more samples of word plays, otherwise knows as puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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I photographed myself stealing from

the DIY store earlier today.

I took some shelfies.

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My friend Dave has drunk many weird

and wonderful things in his time.

I asked him if he’d ever drunk cologne.

“No,” he replied. “Always with friends.”

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I don’t know why people feel the need to travel

around the world to “find themselves”;

I found myself years ago.

Turns out I was right under my nose.

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I’ve recently been a stunt man in a couple of movies.

Nothing major, just a couple of small rolls.

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I bought a chair at the furniture store

from a new range based on Thai furniture.

It’s called a ‘Ladyboy’.

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Have you visited www. conjunctivitis. com?

It’s a site for sore eyes

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My attempts at making a ham soup are always ad hoc.

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With these terrible storms, I’ve been trying to think

of a way of stopping the water entering my property.

Can’t come up with anything though.

Damn!

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Dijon vu

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My sister fell in love with an arsonist.

She carried a torch for him for months.

They eventually split up, after a blazing row.

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The new strip bar in my town doesn’t let Jews in.

It’s a gentile man’s club.

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I took a ‘Mickey Mouse’ degree and now

I’m head of animation at Disney Studios.

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Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him.

“Did you find the shampoo?”

“Oi did,” Paddy says,

“But it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”

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One of the Sisters at the convent was kidnapped the other day.

Police blamed the lack of security at the premises.

The local newspaper summed it up with the headline…

“No ‘fence.  Nun taken.”

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I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I’ve had it right up to here with them.

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Raw toast is an ideal bread substitute.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Word play day, or more puns if you like that description better.

Endure or enjoy, preferably the latter!

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“Let’s order some Chinese.”

“To do what?”

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I remember in 1995 when I went to an Oasis gig with my sister and my brother.

When the band came on stage I shouted, “Go Oasis.”

I never saw my sister after that.

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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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I went into the hardware store and said,

“These shelves you sold me are useless. I couldn’t even…”

The cashier said, “Put ’em up?”

I said, “Okay, you wanna fight about it? Come on then!”

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I was taking some notes the other day,

when I was arrested and escorted from the bank.

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I’ve just started a new job at the local slaughterhouse, stunning cows.

…And some of the sheep are pretty good looking too.

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Did you hear about the neo Nazi builder?

He liked to drill with the bosch.

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As I stood on the tube this morning I thought to myself,

“My pringles are getting crushed”

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My Pokemon card collection was destroyed in a fire.

I’ve only got Ash now.

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I was perfectly happy in Mississippi,

Then Mr Sippi came back early from his business trip.

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I love watching videos of lakes and rivers on the internet.

I’m viewing a live stream right now.

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My friend said he met a prostitute who connected a battery charger to his bits.

I said, “Woweee, how much did she charge you?”

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Two pencils decided to have a race.

They drew.

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My friend said he’s going to set a new standard in pubs

by opening one on the top of a mountain.

Personally, I think he’s raised the bar too high.

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Tattoos are great for preserving memories,

otherwise I would have totally forgotten about those anchors.

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You Can’t Just Be Cremated – You Have To Urn It!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Like it says in the title, nothing is free these days.

Except for puns that is.

You just can’t put a price on that level of enjoyment!

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Guy #1:  “I’m stuck with one word on this crossword,

the clue is a 10 letter word, similar to being silly”

Guy #2:  “Oh, that’s ridiculous”

Guy #1:  “I know, I’ve been stuck on it for hours”.

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I’ve put in so many shifts where I work recently

that they’ve decided to fire me.

Making keyboards isn’t as easy as it looks.

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My sister had a baby boy and

she’s gonna name him Mark, but with a “C”.

Who ever heard of someone called “Cark”?

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The manager of the toy shop I work at phoned me and said:

“Steve, our stock records show that we’re missing a space hopper.

I need you to find it for me.”

I said, “Don’t worry boss, I’m on it.”

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Google Chrome

All you’ll get is a description of a metal.

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The head teacher at my school called me in to his office today.

He said, “I’ve just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?”

I replied, “No, I’m irresponsible. That’s why I threw it.”

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Woke up this morning and my joints were really stiff.

I’ve only got myself to blame: I rolled them far too thick.

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For my next trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap.

Drum roll, please.

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I bought a tree at the garden center that was far too big to get in the car,

so we had to cut the top off.

I didn’t really mind though,

I’ve always wanted a convertible.

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My girlfriend said it would be nice if I could maintain an erection.

So I’ve volunteered to clean bird crap off the Statue of Liberty.

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I saw a busker with no arms today singing so badly

I offered him five bucks to stop.

But that was just another note he couldn’t hold.

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I do not have an OCD over tidiness.

I just wanted to clear that up.

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My Korean friend was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner.

But someone let the cat out of the bag.

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I’m planning a camping holiday but, I have to say,

I’m far from impressed with my travel insurance.

It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night,

I’ll no longer be covered.

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What are long, hard and delicious?

Adjectives.

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I find nothing is quite so annoying as having someone

carry on talking while you’re trying to interrupt.

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Apparently 80% of people who have cosmetic surgery

are disappointed by the results.

Which is a bit odd,

because most of them look pleasantly surprised.

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I was waiting in line for a club last night

and the guy at the door was checking IDs.

He was taking ages.

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Is anyone else tired,

or is it just M.E.?

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My friend’s new girlfriend has been around the block a few times…

Like most women, she’s crap at parking.

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Did They Really Mean To Say That? – Newspaper Headline Nightmares, Part Fourteen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Latest edition of the midweek look at the newspaper nightmares. 

The philosophy seems to be that if you are an idiot you should let as many people as possible know!

Enjoy.

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Is A Plateau A High Form Of Flattery?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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You guessed it.

It’s pun day!

Time to love or hate another selection of bad jokes dressed up as word play.

Enjoy!

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Son, “Dad, what’s an antidepressant?”

Father, “It’s your Mums fat sister after she’s weighed herself.”

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I took my tomcats to get neutered today.

No hard felines.

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I am writing a TV program about a woman in the 19th century

who suffered painfully during her time of the month.

It’s a period drama.

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I joined a club called Amnesiacs Anonymous.

I can’t remember why.

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I’ve been trying to come up with a pun about fabrics.

But it’s nylon impossible.

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Sign on the maternity hospital delivery room door.

“PUSH PUSH PUSH”

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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah.

I thought – he’s trying to pull a fast one

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What is the first thing a cowboy says when he walks into a German car showroom?

“Audi!”

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He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

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It was somehow inevitable that the Breast Enlargement company would go bust.

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I can always count on my wife to put things into “hysterical” perspective…

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What do you call a very fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

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The chef was surprised when a dessert came back to the kitchen.

It was a boo meringue.

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel

and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

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I know it’s not Christmas, but….

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SURPRISE! Today Is The First Test Of 2013

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I thought we should start the year off with a little intellectual stimulation, in other words twenty test questions to get you all thinking.

It has been a while since we had one so I hope you are ready, willing and able.

As usual some of the questions are difficult, some are easy, some are a bit tricky and some are a combination of these.

Enjoy!

(The answers are waaaaaay down below, but please, no cheating!)

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Q  1. What is the collective term for a group of ravens?

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Q  2. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

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Q  3. What does the “WD” in WD-40 stand for?

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Q  4. An encyclopedia consists of ten volumes (sitting next to each other, in order, on a shelf). Each volume contains one thousand pages. Excluding the covers of each volume, how many pages are between the first page of the encyclopedia and the last?

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Q  5. Who was the first US President to visit China?

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Q  6. In a group of siblings, there are seven sisters, and each sister has one brother. How many siblings are there in total?

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Q  7. The first subway system in America was built in which city?

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Q  8. Forward I’m heavy, backwards I’m not. What am I?

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Q  9. Who received the Keys to the City of Detroit in 1980?

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Q 10. How many 3-cent stamps in a dozen?

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Q 11. Billie was born on December 28th, yet her birthday always falls in the summer. How is this possible?

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Q 12. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg is white” or “The yolk of the egg are white?”

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Q 13. A farmer has five haystacks in one field and four haystacks in another. How many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in one field?

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Q 14. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?

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Q 15. If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a woodburning stove, which would you light first?

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Q 16. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

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Q 17. I am the owner of a pet store. If I put in one canary per cage, I have one bird too many. If I put in two canaries per cage, I have one cage too many. How many cages and canaries do I have?

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Q 18. Rearrange the letters in the words “new door” to make one word.

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Q 19. A mile-long train is moving at sixty miles an hour when it reaches a mile-long tunnel. How long does it take the entire train to pass through the tunnel?

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Q 20. What number comes next?

2, 2, 4, 12, 48, ___

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ANSWERS

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Q  1. What is the collective term for a group of ravens?

A  1. A group of ravens is called a murder.

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Q  2. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

A  2. The Hundred Years War lasted for 116 years

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Q  3. What does the “WD” in WD-40 stand for

A  3. The WD in WD-40 stands for Water Displacer

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Q  4. An encyclopedia consists of ten volumes (sitting next to each other, in order, on a shelf). Each volume contains one thousand pages. Excluding the covers of each volume, how many pages are between the first page of the encyclopedia and the last?

A  4. Eight thousand. When books sit on shelves, the first page of the book is the rightmost page, and the last page is the leftmost page. So you can’t count the pages in the first and last volumes.

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Q  5. Who was the first US President to visit China?

A  5. The first United States president to visit China was Richard Nixon

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Q  6. In a group of siblings, there are seven sisters, and each sister has one brother. How many siblings are there in total?

A  6. Eight, if each sister has just the one brother.

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Q  7. The first subway system in America was built in which city?

A  7. Most people guess New York, but the first subway system in America was built in Boston, Massachusetts in 1897.

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Q  8. Forward I’m heavy, backwards I’m not. What am I?

A  8. ton

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Q  9. Who received the Keys to the City of Detroit in 1980?

A  9. Saddam Hussein received the keys to the city of Detroit in recognition of large donations to a church. Oh, yes he did!!!

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Q 10. How many 3-cent stamps in a dozen?

A 10. Er… A Dozen, 12. I hope you didn’t say 4.

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Q 11. Billie was born on December 28th, yet her birthday always falls in the summer. How is this possible?

A 11. Billie lives in the southern hemisphere.

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Q 12. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg is white” or “The yolk of the egg are white?”

A 12. Neither. Egg yolks are yellow.

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Q 13. A farmer has five haystacks in one field and four haystacks in another. How many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in one field?

A 13. One. If he combines all his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

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Q 14. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?

A 14. The time is 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.

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Q 15. If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a woodburning stove, which would you light first?

A 15. The match.

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Q 16. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

A 16. Temperature.

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Q 17. I am the owner of a pet store. If I put in one canary per cage, I have one bird too many. If I put in two canaries per cage, I have one cage too many. How many cages and canaries do I have?

A 17. Four canaries and three cages.

If you put one canary in each cage, you have an extra bird without a cage. However, if you put two canaries in each cage then you have two canaries in the first cage, two canaries in the second cage and an extra cage.

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Q 18. Rearrange the letters in the words “new door” to make one word.

A 18. “new door” can be rearranged into “one word”

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Q 19. A mile-long train is moving at sixty miles an hour when it reaches a mile-long tunnel. How long does it take the entire train to pass through the tunnel?

A 19. 2 minutes (The back of the train would be at the beginning of the tunnel after 1 minute, and would leave the end of the tunnel at the 2 minute mark.

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Q 20. What number comes next?

2, 2, 4, 12, 48, ___

A 20. 240.

To get the number, multiply the previous number in the series by its position.

48 is in the 5th position, so 48 × 5 = 240

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