Sign Language Is Very Handy.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

I would sign at you that this is Pun Day, but what would be the point you can’t see me.

Instead I’ll just keep quiet and let you get on with reading this latest selection of word plays.

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!

.

Sign Language Is Very Handy.

.

.

If anyone ever tells you they’ve lost their voice,

They’re lying.

lost voice

.

.

I experimented with drugs while I was in university.

I’m now a fully qualified pharmaceutical engineer.

pharmaceutical engineer

.

.

The most common surname in China is Chang,

correct me if you think that’s Wong.

Wong

.

.

I bet the bloke who threw the first boomerang

didn’t see that coming.

boomerang

.

.

All my friends hate using cliche phrases.

Even Steven.

cliche

.

.

Want to keep the doctor away?

There’s an apple for that.

apple

.

.

I’ve just been given two weeks to live.

The wife’s gone away for a fortnight.

two weeks

.

.

Eleventeen percent of people

make up words.

make up words

.

.

I’ve never been told

I am a bad listener.

bad listener

.

.

My football team is sponsored by Apple.

So now there is an ‘I’ in team.

'I' in team

.

.

If I had a crystal ball

I’d sit down very carefully

crystal ball

.

.

Finally for today,

here’s a bit of advice for you.

Advi.

Advi

.

============================

.

Astronomy Is Looking Up.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Astronomy is indeed looking up and so is today now that you’ve realized it’s Pun Day.

Lots more word play below, so…

Enjoy or endure!!

.

rofl

.

My friends say

I always contradict them,

but I disagree.

 contradiction buttons

.

.

I applied for a loan,

but the bank had zero percent interest.

 zero percent interest

.

.

For every action,

there is a social media over-reaction.

 social media over-reaction

.

.

I went to the museum and saw a Van Gogh painting.

Underneath it said “Loaned anonymously.”

I went to the front desk and said,

“I’d like my Van Gogh back now, please.”

 Van Gogh painting

.

.

Quantum mechanics:

The dreams stuff is made of.

 Quantum mechanics

.

.

I was a whisker away from finding

an entire utensil set yesterday.

 whisker

.

.

Pyongyang

– the only capital city that sounds

like a ricochet sound effect

from an old fashioned Western.

 Pyongyang

.

.

My friend has just had surgery.

‘Surgery’ being the operative word.

 surgery cartoon

.

.

I was playing scrabble with my dad

when he spelled the word “stneve”.

It was an unexpected turn of events.

 scrabble

.

.

Do deaf mathematicians

speak in sine language?

 deaf mathematicians

.

.

They say when a man meets the right woman,

he is complete.

They say when a man meets the wrong woman,

he is finished.

They say when the right woman

meets the wrong woman with the man,

he is completely finished.

 man meets the right woman

.

.

Stupidity is not a handicap.

Park elsewhere.

handicap parking space

.

============================

.

Puns About Monorails Always Make For Decent One-Liners.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

 

It is just as hard to guage the size of a monorail as it is to guage the popularity of puns.

Here is another selection of word plays that may help you make up your mind.

Enjoy or endure!!

.

rofl

.

According to ‘serving suggestions’

I’m a family of four

 'serving suggestions

.

.

Me and my friend used to spend

all our time together in a tree-house,

but then we fell out.

 tree-house

.

.

I come from a small town

whose population never changes.

Every time a woman falls pregnant,

someone leaves town.

 woman falls pregnant

.

.

A synanym is a word you use

in place of one you can’t spell.

 synanym

.

.

It’s difficult to say something tongue-in-cheek

without people thinking you have a speech impediment.

 obama tongue-in-cheek

.

.

 I had the right to remain silent,

unfortunately I didn’t have the ability.

 right to remain silent

.

.

It’s my first session with the

Impatience Support Group is tonight

…….. I can’t wait.

 Impatience

.

.

I realized I didn’t have many friends

when I tried to text Ben,

scrolled down my contacts list

and accidentally texted William.

 Contact list

.

.

My doctor said to me,

“Do you know your sperm count?”

I said,

“No, I didn’t know they were that clever.”

 paul-noth-you-need-to-get-your-cholesterol-where-your-sperm-count-is-new-yorker-cartoon

.

.

Did you hear about the American

who went on a holiday to India and

didn’t manage to see a single wig wam?

 wig wam

.

.

How does a woman scare a Gynaecologist?

By becoming a Ventriloquist.

 scared Gynaecologist

.

.

Finally, here’s a joke for

all the mind readers out there….

mind reader

.

.

Did you like it?

.

===========================

.

To Be Fair, It Needs To Stop Raining.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

But of course sometimes life isn’t fair.

Sometimes it’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

Tink my postmn is a thif

My leters keep gong misin

Postman Donald

.

.

I asked a French bloke

if he played video games.

He said Wii.

Postman Donald

.

.

Chickens don’t have friends.

They only have pen pals.

chickens in pen

.

.

I was sent on an anger management course.

Apparently it’s all the rage.

anger_management_training

.

.

Chewbacca forgets to delete his history before

letting his girlfriend use his computer

….wookie error

Chewbacca

.

.

My brother takes part in a weather

predicting contest every month.

He’s the raining champion.

raining

.

.

I used to know a depressed cross eyed girl…

She never looked forward to anything.

cross eyed girl

.

.

There was a knock at the front door.

My wife answered it and said to me

there’s a man at the door with a bald head’‘.

I said ‘‘tell him to get lost, I’ve already got one’

man at the door with a bald head

.

.

I’m directing a cowboy movie called ‘The Sun’.

It’s set in the west.

sunset monument valley

.

.

My wife just spent $100 getting a bikini wax.

What a flipping rip off.

cartoon bikini wax

.

.

Is anyone here called Allen?

I think I found your keys

allen-keys

.

.

I’m an alcoholic and have frittered the best 

years of my life away looking at the world

through the bottom of a glass.

All I ask for is another shot.

another shot

.

.

There’s a certain stigma attached

to reproduction organs,

especially in flowers.

crocus_stigma

.

.

Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu,

wanted to illegally live in America.

The brothers decide to change

their names to seem more American.

Bu changed his name to Buck.

Chu changed his name to Chuck.

And Fu got sent back to China.

three Chinese brothers

.

.

I went to a Motown reunion last night and

promised myself I wouldn’t suck up to any of the artists…

But The Temptations were there.

.

.

======================================

.

 

Chocolate And Yoghurt, Just Two Of The Questions This Quiz Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Welcome to Quiz Day on the fasab blog.

Chocolate, yoghurt and a lot more make up today’s questions.

So why not pour yourself a cup of coffee too and have a go?

As usual, if you get stuck, you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

.

Quiz_button 02

.

Q.  1:  What are the names of the two famous Star Wars robots?

.

.

Q.  2:  How many muscles does your body use to balance itself when you are standing still?

            a)  100             b)  200             c)  300             d)  400              e)  500

.

.

Q.  3:  What is the name of the largest and oldest chocolate company in the U.S.?

.

.

Q.  4:  ‘tcby’ now means ‘The Country’s Best Yogurt’ but what did the letters ‘tcby’ originally stand for?

.

.

Q.  5:  Who was the leader of the Macedonian Empire?

.

.

Q.  6:  Time to rack up a lot of points, what were the names of the six principal actors in the long running hit TV series ‘Friends’?  (Bonus points if you can also correctly name the characters they played.)

.

.

Q.  7:  What is the name generally used for the traditional curved blade Japanese sword?

.

.

Q.  8:  Recently they seem to be trying to put it back up again, but in what year was the Fall of the Iron Curtain?

.

.

Q.  9:  Approximately how many pieces of ‘space junk’ are orbiting around Earth?

            a) over 4,000          b) over 6,000          c) over 8,000         d) over 10,000

.

.

Q. 10:  There’s a new one out this year, but how many ‘Planet Of The Apes’ based movies have there been? (Bonus points if you can name them and even more bonus points if know the years they were released.)

.

.

Q. 11:  Which two rivers meet at Khartoum to make the Nile?

.

.

Q. 12:  Who, in 2012, became the first person to break the sound barrier, unprotected and under his own power?

.

.

Q. 13:  During World War II approximately how many tanks were produced by American factories?

            a)  59,000           b)  69,000           c)  79,000           d)  89,000           e)  99,000

.

.

Q. 14:  Who is the current Prime Minister of Canada?

.

.

Q. 15:  Isadora Duncan, known as the mother of modern dance, was killed in an unusual way, how?

.

.

Q. 16:  What is the recommended standard recreational diving limit for ordinary divers?

            a)  20 meters              b)  30 meters              c)  40 meters              d)  50 meters

.

.

Q. 17:  In Las Vegas, what is the name of the ancient Egyptian themed hotel with a pyramid shaped casino?

.

.

Q. 18:  What was the name of the mythical Roman god of war?

 

.

Q. 19:  Who was ‘Dr Frasier Crane’ and his brother ‘Dr Niles Crane’? (A point for each correct answer.)

.

.

Q. 20:  What musician is known as “The Boss” and what was the name of the band he played with? (A point for each correct answer.)

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

ANSWERS

.

Q.  1:  What are the names of the two famous Star Wars robots?

A.  1:  The two famous Star Wars robots are called 3CP0 and R2D2.

.

.

Q.  2:  How many muscles does your body use to balance itself when you are standing still?

            a)  100             b)  200             c)  300             d)  400              e)  500

A.  2:  Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

.

.

Q.  3:  What is the name of the largest and oldest chocolate company in the U.S.?

A.  3:  The largest and oldest chocolate company in the U.S. is Hershey’s. Founded by Milton S. Hershey in 1894, this company produces over one billion pounds of chocolate products every year.

.

.

Q.  4:  ‘tcby’ now means ‘The Country’s Best Yogurt’ but what did the letters ‘tcby’ originally stand for?

A.  4:  The letters ‘tcby’ originally stood for ‘This Can’t Be Yogurt’, but the name was changed after the company was sued by a rival company called ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Yogurt’.

.

.

Q.  5:  Who was the leader of the Macedonian Empire?

A.  5:  Alexander the Great.

.

.

Q.  6:  Time to rack up a lot of points, what were the names of the six principal actors in the long running hit TV series ‘Friends’?  (Bonus points if you can also correctly name the characters they played.)

A.  6:  The six ‘Friends’ were Jennifer Aniston as ‘Rachel Green’; Courteney Cox as Monica Geller; Lisa Kudrow as Phoebe Buffay; Matt LeBlanc as Joey Tribbiani; Matthew Perry as Chandler Bing; and David Schwimmer as Ross Geller.

.

.

Q.  7:  What is the name generally used for the traditional curved blade Japanese sword?

A.  7:  The traditional curved blade Japanese sword is called a ‘Katana’.

.

.

Q.  8:  Recently they seem to be trying to put it back up again, but in what year was the Fall of the Iron Curtain?

A.  8:  The Iron Curtain fell in 1989.

.

.

Q.  9:  Approximately how many pieces of ‘space junk’ are orbiting around Earth?

            a) over 4,000          b) over 6,000          c) over 8,000         d) over 10,000

A.  9:  The correct answer is c) over 8,000.

.

.

Q. 10:  There’s a new one out this year, but how many ‘Planet Of The Apes’ based movies have there been? (Bonus points if you can name them and even more bonus points if know the years they were released.)

A. 10:  There have been eight planet of the apes movies so far, ‘Planet of the Apes’ (1968); ‘Beneath the Planet of the Apes’ (1970); ‘Escape from the Planet of the Apes’ (1971); ‘Conquest of the Planet of the Apes’ (1972); ‘Battle for the Planet of the Apes’ (1973); ‘Planet of the Apes’ (2001); ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes’ (2011); and ‘Dawn of the Planet of the Apes’ (2014).

.

.

Q. 11:  Which two rivers meet at Khartoum to make the Nile?

A. 11:  It’s easier than you think, the two rivers that meet at Khartoum to make the Nile are the White & Blue Niles.

.

.

Q. 12:  Who, in 2012, became the first person to break the sound barrier, unprotected and under his own power?

A. 12:  Felix Baumgartner became the first person to break the sound barrier, unprotected and under his own power. In his record breaking stunt he reached speeds of up to 834 mph.

.

.

Q. 13:  During World War II approximately how many tanks were produced by American factories?

            a)  59,000           b)  69,000           c)  79,000           d)  89,000           e)  99,000

A. 13:  The correct answer is d) 89,000.

.

.

Q. 14:  Who is the current Prime Minister of Canada?

A. 14:  Stephen Harper.

.

.

Q. 15:  Isadora Duncan, known as the mother of modern dance, was killed in an unusual way, how?

A. 15:  Isadora Duncan was pulled from the vehicle in which she was a passenger and violently slammed against the road when her long scarf got caught in the wheel. Her neck was broken and she died on impact.

.

.

Q. 16:  What is the recommended standard recreational diving limit for ordinary divers?

            a)  20 meters              b)  30 meters              c)  40 meters              d)  50 meters

A. 16:  The correct answer is b) 30 Meters (98 feet), the average depth at which nitrogen narcosis symptoms begin to appear in adults.

.

.

Q. 17:  In Las Vegas, what is the name of the ancient Egyptian themed hotel with a pyramid shaped casino?

A. 17:  It’s called the ‘Luxor’.

.

.

Q. 18:  What was the name of the mythical Roman god of war?

A. 18:  Mars.

.

.

Q. 19:  Who was ‘Dr Frasier Crane’ and his brother ‘Dr Niles Crane’? (A point for each correct answer.)

A. 19:  They were Kelsey Grammar and David Hyde Pierce from the wonderful hit TV sitcom ‘Frasier’.

.

.

Q. 20:  What musician is known as “The Boss” and what was the name of the band he played with? (A point for each correct answer.)

A. 20:  In the music world “The Boss” is Bruce Sprigsteen and he played with the E Street Band.

.

.

=================================================

.

 

I’m Starting A One-Man Band – Email Me If You’re Interested.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Welcome to the last Pun Day….

Of this July that is, I hope you didn’t get your hopes up too high.

Anyway here are the latest offerings.

Enjoy or endure!

.

 

rofl

 

.

This nice weather doesn’t fool me one bit.

It’s just a front.

warm front

.

.

What do you call a couple

who go fishing together?

Rod and Annette.

Rod and Annette

.

.

I hate jokes about Vietnam.

They really Hanoi me.

Hanoi map

.

.

My new book about Poltergeists

is flying off the shelves.

Poltergeists

.

.

I was touched by my Granddad

when I was a little boy.

His tear jerking tales of world war two

were simply heartbreaking.

Granddad

.

.

I was telling the police officer

how local youths had thrown

a milk bottle at me and just missed.

He asked, “Skimmed past your face?”

I replied, “No, full fat over my shoulder.” 

milk

.

.

‘My post box’

has got nine letters in it.

australia post box

.

.

I told my fiancee and friends that I wanted

to racially segregate our wedding.

They didn’t really warm to it.

I was met with a mixed reception.

wedding reception

.

.

Age isn’t

“just a number”

– it’s quite clearly a word

age

.

.

People who confuse

the metaphorical and the factual

make my head literally explode.

head literally explode

.

.

My girlfriend was disappointed when

I bought her New York flights for her birthday.

But not as disappointed as I was when

I found out she didn’t even play darts.

darts New York flights

.

.

I’ve just stolen loads of swimming inflatables.

I’d better lilo.   

lilo

.

.

I went to see my new doctor this morning about my piles.

He told me to drop my trousers and pants and bend over.

As I pulled my cheeks apart, he said,

“I’m going to need your whole name.”

I said, “I just call it my asshole.”

man with trousera down

.

.

Gordon Ramsay reminds me of a newspaper.

Only with more headlines.

Gordon Ramsay headlines

.

.

Time traveller’s convention next June.

I’m there.

Time traveller's convention

.

========================================

.