Nails Are One Thing You Don’t Want To Screw With.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Neither is Pun Day.

Another selection of wonderful word play for you to….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Sometimes pregnancy lasts so long

it seems like a maternity.

 pregnancy

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How many nihilists does it take

to sharpen a pencil?

One, but there’s still no point.

 nihilists

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I dropped my barometer earlier.

Just couldn’t handle the pressure.

 barometer

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What do you call a man

with three balls?

…a juggler.

 juggler

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Uncle Ben found dead.

No more Mr Rice guy.

 Uncle Ben

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I just invented a joke about helium.

Unfortunately it doesn’t go down well.

 helium

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You know that you’re getting old

when your narrow waist swaps

places with your broad mind.

 getting old

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Apparently a truck carrying boxes of wigs has overturned,

spilling its load across the freeway.

Police are combing the area.

 boxes of wigs

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I saw a woman crying as she

was buying tampons earlier.

Must be going through a

tough period in her life.

 woman crying

.

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This man was about to throw dough,

cheese and tomatoes at me.

I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

 pizza

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Looking after my kid is

proving to be expensive.

I’ve just had to buy a baby monitor,

for crying out loud.

 baby monitor

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The hospital told me there is a problem

with my son’s blood and he should have

a plasma screen as soon as possible.

They were going to charge me $10,000,

but I managed to buy him a 50″ HDTV

in WalMart for less than a grand.

 50 inch HDTV

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Now I hear that the NSA are employing

dwarfs to break into people’s homes

and install listening devices.

The little buggers.

 little buggers

.

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What happens if you swallow uranium?

You get atomic ache.

 uranium alert

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What do you call a Scottish lady who comes round

and decorates your bathroom?

Bonnie Tiler.

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Icebergs And Sunshine, Both Make The Fact File Today.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another contrasting day of facts here at the fasab blog.

And what could be more of a contrast than icebergs and sunshine?

Find out more below.

Enjoy.

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did you know2

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Contrary to popular belief,

the ‘t’ at the end of Voldemort,

who features in the Harry Potter stories,

is silent.

The name comes from the French

words meaning “flight of death.”

Lord Voldemort

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In North Carolina each year there is a

Hot Sauce and Hot Chili Pepper Eating Contest,

consisting of 5 rounds in which the participants

have to eat increasingly hot chilies.

The hotness of chilies is based on Scoville Heat Units.

In the first round, each contestant starts out with a

Large Cayenne Pepper (Long Hots) (500-2,500 SU)

and those who make it all the way to the last fifth round

have to deal with The Orange Habenero (100,000-300,000 SU).

Crikey!

Hot Sauce and Hot Chili Pepper Eating Contest

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Apparently Greece Is the “Sunniest” Country in Europe

enjoying on average more than 250 days of sunshine

(three thousand hours) a year,

which also makes it one of the

most sunny countries in the world.

Greece Is the “Sunniest” Country In Europe

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Daniel Craig is able to take any

Aston Martin from the factory

for the rest of his life,

because of his time as Bond.

Daniel Craig Aston Martin deal

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Tequila is made from the blue agave,

or agave tequilana Weber.

According to WebMD, the core of the plant

contains aguamiel or “honey water,”

which is used for syrup (and tequila) production.

blue agave

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All Egyptian pyramids were built

on the west bank of the River Nile,

which as the site of the setting sun

and was associated with the realm of

the dead in Egyptian mythology.

west bank of the River Nile

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The more education you have,

the lower your risk of heart disease,

however, in spite of that, heart disease

is still the greatest threat to your health.

heart disease

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The infamous iceberg that sank the Titanic

has been floating around since about 1,000 B.C.

Titanic iceberg

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Why do people sing in shower? 

One theory is that they might simply feel

more comfortable in the shower

since it is a relaxing place

and they are by themselves.

Or it may be because the acoustics

are better in the bathroom,

so the chances of you sounding

like a great singer are higher.

sing in shower

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Although it is supposed to be in Chicago,

the McCallister´s house in the movie Home Alone

is actually located at 671 Lincoln Avenue

in the village of Winnetka, Illinois.

The three-story single-family house

was listed for sale at $2.4 million in 2011

and sold for $1.585 million in 2012.

The house is now promoted as a tourist attraction.

McCallister´s house in the movie Home Alone

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As a farmer,

George Washington grew marijuana

on his farm and promoted its growth.

George Washington grew marijuana

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The October 24, 1960 saw one of the

deadliest spare-related accidents in history,

when a Soviet R-16 rocket (an ICBM) exploded

on the launch pad during testing.

72 workers were killed.

Soviet Premier at the time, Nikita Khrushchev,

demanded it be kept secret.

Today it is known as the Nedelin Catastrophe.

Nedelin Catastrophe

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A bottle of champagne contains

90 pounds or pressure per square inch,

which is three times the pressure found in car tires.

The popped cork from a champagne bottle

travels as fast as 60 miles per hour

and can cause some serious damage.

popped cork from a champagne bottle

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Mary Allerton was an immigrant

who established a permanent residence in

Plymouth Colony, which we know today as Massachusetts.

She was one of the many passengers of on the Mayflower,

the historic ship that transported the first Pilgrims,

from Plymouth, England, to the New World.

She was only four years old when she boarded the ship

and would die almost 80 years later,

making history as the last surviving Mayflower passenger.

Mary Allerton

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The first video uploaded to YouTube,

titled “Me at the zoo,”

made its debut on April 23, 2005.

The nineteen-second video was shot by Yakov Lapitsky

and shows YouTube cofounder Jawed Karim

at the San Diego Zoo.

It also contains the first words uttered on YouTube

which were

“All right, so here we are in front of the elephants”

when Karim was trying to “charm” the camera.

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Whoever Invented The Selfie Needs To Take A Good Look At Themselves.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And since it’s pun day again you need to take a good look at this latest batch.

Enjoy or endure!!!

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rofl

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What do you call

a German on speaker phone?

Hans Free

cartoon hands free

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‘Sugar’

is the only word in the English language

in which the S, is pronounced ‘sh’.

I’m sure of that.

sh

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My brother has had to

close down his archery business.

In the first 12 months 

he didn’t hit any of his targets .

archery-target

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Ten years in the same job and

not once have I been in the boss’s office.

That’s what got me fired as a cleaner.

cleaner

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Just been mugged and beaten up.

I tried to defend myself with a drawing pin.

Turns out a tac isn’t the best form of defense after all.

tac

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Before we split up, my wife

was obsessed with horoscopes.

I’m sure that’s what Taurus apart.

taurus

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I was on the freeway when a guy driving in the other direction

started flashing his lights, beeping his horn and screaming,

“You’re going the wrong way!”

What an idiot.

He didn’t even know where I was going.

A-Motorist-Driving-the-Wrong-Way

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What has a pee at

the end of a tram?

A tramp.

cartoon tramp

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Breaking News:

Man arrested over missing woman

Imagine if he’d hit her???

breaking news

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Adoption jokes –

There’s never a good time to tell them.

adopted

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I don’t approve of my girlfriend’s one night stand.

Why should she be the only one with

somewhere to put a bedside lamp.

night stand lamp

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I threw three DVDs at exactly the same time

to see which one would hit the wall first.

It was a discrace.

DVDs

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My wife called me into the bathroom

and asked me to wash her back.

I don’t remember her

washing me in the first place.

washing back

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Erectile dysfunction;

just when you thought

it couldn’t get any harder.

checking_for_signs_of_life

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My wife, Lorraine, has just found out that 

I have been cheating on her with Clara next door.

Last night, she packed her things and left.

I can see Clara now, Lorraine has gone.

Take it away Johnny….

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I Decide Which Beer To Drink On A Case By Case Basis!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What other way can you sample beer?

While you are thinking about that here are a few more samples of word plays, otherwise knows as puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I photographed myself stealing from

the DIY store earlier today.

I took some shelfies.

shelves

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My friend Dave has drunk many weird

and wonderful things in his time.

I asked him if he’d ever drunk cologne.

“No,” he replied. “Always with friends.”

Armani_Cologne_for_men

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I don’t know why people feel the need to travel

around the world to “find themselves”;

I found myself years ago.

Turns out I was right under my nose.

nose

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I’ve recently been a stunt man in a couple of movies.

Nothing major, just a couple of small rolls.

Will-Dean-stunt-man-006

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I bought a chair at the furniture store

from a new range based on Thai furniture.

It’s called a ‘Ladyboy’.

La-Z-Boy

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Have you visited www. conjunctivitis. com?

It’s a site for sore eyes

sore eyes

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My attempts at making a ham soup are always ad hoc.

cartoon-ham-8

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With these terrible storms, I’ve been trying to think

of a way of stopping the water entering my property.

Can’t come up with anything though.

Damn!

sandbags dam

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Dijon vu

dijon vu mustard

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My sister fell in love with an arsonist.

She carried a torch for him for months.

They eventually split up, after a blazing row.

lit match

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The new strip bar in my town doesn’t let Jews in.

It’s a gentile man’s club.

Strip-Bar-sign

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I took a ‘Mickey Mouse’ degree and now

I’m head of animation at Disney Studios.

Mickey_Mouse

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Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him.

“Did you find the shampoo?”

“Oi did,” Paddy says,

“But it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”

dry hair shampoo

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One of the Sisters at the convent was kidnapped the other day.

Police blamed the lack of security at the premises.

The local newspaper summed it up with the headline…

“No ‘fence.  Nun taken.”

SISTER

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I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I’ve had it right up to here with them.

blank page

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Did You Know? The Fact File Reveals More Random Facts.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Fascinating facts never seem to come to an end, thank goodness.

Here is the latest selection from the fasab files. Always random, but I hope always interesting, there has to be at least one thing in here that you didn’t know.

Enjoy finding out.

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The Lion King is the top grossing Disney movie of all-time

with domestic gross intake of $312 million.

Lion King

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The winter and summer seasons on Uranus

last the equivalent of 21 Earth years.

uranus-planet

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‘Cow’ is a Japanese brand of shaving foam.

Cow-Soap Shaving Cream

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The Nobel prizes (in Physics, Chemistry, Physiology or Medicine,

Literature, and Peace) were first awarded in 1901.

first-nobel-prize

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The idea of Christmas cards was invented

by Englishman Henry Cole in 1843.

xmas card

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Before its name was changed, the ‘African’ Penguin

used be called the ‘Jackass’ Penguin

because of its donkey-like braying call.

penguin 1

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The largest diamond that was ever found was 3106 carats.

cullinan-diamond-I

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More than $1 billion is spent each year on neck ties in the United States.

neckties

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Ballroom dancing is a course at

Brigham Young University in Utah.

Ballroom1

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New York’s famous Central Park has 125 drinking fountains.

drinking fountain

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Before soccer referees started using whistles in 1878,

they used to rely on waving a handkerchief.

referee handkerchief

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Jackrabbits (or Hares) can reach a speed of fifty miles per hour

and can leap as far as twenty feet.

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Cheesecake was invented in Ancient Greece

and served to athletes at the very first Olympic Games.

cheesecake

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As a rule, European carousels rotate clockwise,

while American merry-go-rounds spin counterclockwise.

carousel merrygoround

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In a study conducted regarding toilet paper usage,

Americans are said to use the most toilet paper per trip to the bathroom,

which was seven sheets of toilet paper per trip.

toilet paper

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The trunk of an elephant can hold up to two gallons of water.

elephant_spraying_water_trunk

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In the movie “Babe”, the piglet was played by

over 30 different piglets as they outgrew the part so quickly

during the production of the film.

Babe

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There are more Barbie dolls in Italy

than there are Canadians in Canada.

Italy-Barbie-Doll

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Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru,

an island nation in the Western Pacific.

bird-poop-art-car

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Despite the horrific display, nearly two-thirds of those

aboard the LZ 129 Hindenburg survived its fiery crash in 1937.

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Oh How I Love These Puns. I Think I Have Found My Nietzsche!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, pun day again. For all of you who love (and hate) puns or word play.

Today we are starting off on the topical subject of employment, but there are plenty of other subjects that get the pun treatment as well.

Enjoy (even if you are pretending not to).

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My first job was working in an orange juice factory,

but I got canned

I just couldn’t concentrate.

OJ concentrate

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,

but I just couldn’t hack it,

so they gave me the axe.

lumberjack

After that I tried to be a tailor,

but I just wasn’t suited for it.

The job was only so-so anyhow.

tailor

Next I tried working in a muffler factory,

but that was exhausting.

muffler

I wanted to be a barber,

but I just couldn’t cut it.

barber

I attempted to be a deli worker,

but any way I sliced it,

I couldn’t cut the mustard.

deli_clerk

My best job was being a musician,

but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy.

musician

I studied a long time to become a doctor,

but I didn’t have any patience.

cartoon-doctor

Next was a job in a shoe factory;

but it just wasn’t the right fit.

 shoemaker

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I became a professional fisherman,

but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

cartoon-fisherman 

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I thought about becoming a witch,

so I tried that for a spell.

cartoon-witch

 

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I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,

but the work was just too draining.

pool man

 

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After many years of trying to find steady work,

I finally got a job as a historian,

until I realized there was no future in it.

historian

 

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My last job was working at Starbucks,

but I had to quit,

because it was always the same old grind.

 starbucks

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If you get sick at the airport

you may have a terminal illness.

airport cartoon

 

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Peter won’t fly on virgin airlines

he says he won’t go with anything

that doesn’t go all the way!

 Virgin Atlantic

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You may be an American outside the bathroom,

but inside, European.

.

toilet-space-cartoon

 

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Do you know any puns about electricity?

About watt?

short_circuit

 

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A woman asked me for an example of a double entendre

…. so I gave her one….

double entendre

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Stupid Quiz Show Answers

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Regrettably I think we are coming close to end of my supply of stupid quiz show answers. It has been a good series and actually lasted a lot longer than I first thought. And some of them have been very amusing as well. All in all it has been well received.

I’ll call this the penultimate selection. It may contain some repeats, but they made me laugh when I read them again and if they do that then I hope they may do the same for you too.

Enjoy.

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Q. What “U” are the Eastern Europeans who originated the tradition of painting Easter eggs?

A.  Yugoslavians

set-of-painted-easter-eggs

Q.  What “S” is the nearest star to the earth?      

A.  Saturn

Q.  Name a drink you recognize by its smell      

A.  Potatoes

potato-pete

Q.  Something a husband and wife should have separate of       

A.  Parents

Q.  Name a hobby people take up for the thrills involved

A.  Stamp collecting

stamp collector dilemma

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Q.  Name a word that starts with the letter Q      

A.  Cute

Q.  Name a signer of the Declaration of Independence   

A.  Thomas Edison

Edison

Q.  Something that lets a burglar know that a house is unoccupied         

A.  No people in the house

Q.  Like “sugar bowl”, a bowl that’s named for the substance it contains

A.  Toilet bowl

toilet bowl

Q.  Name a fictional island        

A.  Rhode Island

Q. Name one of Santa’s reindeer

A.  Nixon

cool-cartoon-santa-and-reindeer

Q.  Name a beverage you stir before drinking    

A.  Water

Q.  Name the heaviest item in your house

A.  600 pounds

woman-on-scale

Q.  Something starting with “egg”          

A.  Excellent

A.  Eggland

Q.  Name an actor who played a gangster

A.  Al Capone

al copone

Q.  Name a character from the movie Aladdin    

A.  Jihad

Q.  Name something with claws 

A.  Christmas

claws

Q.  A man’s name that starts with the letter “P”   

A.  Porcupine

Q.  Name a pie that does not contain fruit

A.  Lemon Meringue

lemon-meringue-pie

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Q.  Name a room in the house where the family gathers  

A.  Bathroom

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