Nails Are One Thing You Don’t Want To Screw With.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”


Neither is Pun Day.

Another selection of wonderful word play for you to….

Enjoy or endure!




Sometimes pregnancy lasts so long

it seems like a maternity.




How many nihilists does it take

to sharpen a pencil?

One, but there’s still no point.




I dropped my barometer earlier.

Just couldn’t handle the pressure.




What do you call a man

with three balls?

…a juggler.




Uncle Ben found dead.

No more Mr Rice guy.

 Uncle Ben



I just invented a joke about helium.

Unfortunately it doesn’t go down well.




You know that you’re getting old

when your narrow waist swaps

places with your broad mind.

 getting old



Apparently a truck carrying boxes of wigs has overturned,

spilling its load across the freeway.

Police are combing the area.

 boxes of wigs



I saw a woman crying as she

was buying tampons earlier.

Must be going through a

tough period in her life.

 woman crying



This man was about to throw dough,

cheese and tomatoes at me.

I said, “You wanna pizza me?”




Looking after my kid is

proving to be expensive.

I’ve just had to buy a baby monitor,

for crying out loud.

 baby monitor



The hospital told me there is a problem

with my son’s blood and he should have

a plasma screen as soon as possible.

They were going to charge me $10,000,

but I managed to buy him a 50″ HDTV

in WalMart for less than a grand.

 50 inch HDTV



Now I hear that the NSA are employing

dwarfs to break into people’s homes

and install listening devices.

The little buggers.

 little buggers



What happens if you swallow uranium?

You get atomic ache.

 uranium alert



What do you call a Scottish lady who comes round

and decorates your bathroom?

Bonnie Tiler.





Witty One-liner Wednesday – Some More Sayings Of The Late George Carlin

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”


This Wednesday I am pleased to present part two of my trio of tributes to the late George Carlin and his great gift for seeing the world from the humorous side.

It turns out from the reaction to last week’s post that George still has a lot of fans out there which is great news.

Enjoy this latest selection.



If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.


As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.


If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.


The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.


I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.


I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.


If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.


By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.


Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?


Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”


I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.


One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.


If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?


In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.


“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.


Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.


The future will soon be a thing of the past.


Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.


Atheism is a non-prophet organization.