BREAKING NEWS: Repair Man Wanted.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Nothing broken here though, you’ll be glad to hear.

So let’s get on with a bit more word play that you love to….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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What did Salvador Dali have for breakfast?

A bowl of surreal.

salvador-dali-apparition-visage-compotier-plage

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There’s a bloke in Hungary who goes round from door to door

trying to convert people to Zen philosophy.

He’s a Buddha pest.

zen_buddhism_philosophy_and_mysticism

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If an Earl is awarded an O.B.E,

does he become an earlobe?

earlobe

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My mum’s got this weird fetish for sleeping with boxing gloves.

Her doctor thinks it’s just the menopause setting in,

but I just think she’s going through a rocky patch.

rocky

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Do you think the name for the head

of the Indian Mafia is ‘Poppa Don’?

Poppadoms

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My girlfriend asked me the other day,

“Dave, why do you always walk in front of me?”

I said, “I’m sorry, I don’t follow you.”

man walking in front of woman

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There’s a monster under my bed,

that plays loud music and dances around.

That damn boogieman.

 

boogie man

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I entered my dog in the redneck version of Crufts last week.

She won “Best Inbreed.”

redneck-dogs

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A man went to the doctor and said,

“I’m sick and tired of finishing crosswords so quickly!”

He said, “Try not to get two down sir.”

crossword

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I went to a fancy dress competition

dressed as Winston Churchill.

I thought my costume was great,

I had the hat, the suit, the bow tie, everything!

When I asked them whether I’d won,

they said I was close, but no cigar.

Winston Churchill

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I was in Wal Mart buying batteries today.

I asked the assistant if I would be better buying re-chargable

batteries or just get the cheapest and change them often.

“There’s positives and negatives with both,” she told me.

batteries

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My school has a really bad drugs problem.

Especially class A

a variety of drugs

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I was stopped by a policeman and

asked if I could identify myself.

I looked in the mirror and said,

“Yes officer, it’s definitely me.”

Looking In Mirror

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My wife said to me,

“Tonight, in bed, you can do anything you want”.

So I invited my secretary over.

secretary

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I’m in love with an eel

– that’s a moray.

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“So What Do you Think Of These?”, He Asked Quizzically!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Quiz day again folks.

Another random set of questions, some quite easy, others rather difficult and a couple of tricky ones thrown in for good measure.

But there’s no pass mark and no pressure so why not give them a go?

And, as usual, if you get stuck you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please, NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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Quiz 07

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Q.  1:  The name of which capital city is also contained in the title of a movie starring Frank Sinatra?

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Q.  2:  What was the surname (last name) and the nicknames of the father and son who controlled Haiti from 1957 to 1986? (A point for each correct answer, so three points up for grabs.)

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Q.  3:  On which mountain did Noah’s Ark come to rest as the Great Flood subsided?

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Q.  4:  Who was the biggest selling female singer in America in the 1990s?

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Q.  5:  There are many examples of countries in the world that are land-locked, that is surrounded by several other countries, but there are three countries that are completely surrounded by one other country only, a point for each that you can name and a bonus point if you can name all three.

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Q.  6:  Why was Louise Brown famous in 1978?

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Q.  7:  What is the longest river in Australia?

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Q.  8:  In which well known movie would you find the robot or android known as ‘Ash’?

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Q.  9:  In which country did the soup known as ‘Waterzooi’ originate?

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Q. 10:  Two South American countries have no coastline, name them. (A point for each.)

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Q. 11:  Who or what was ‘The African Queen’ in the movie of the same name?

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Q. 12:  What does the yummy breakfast treat ‘Eggs Benedict’ consist of?

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Q. 13:  Which Canadian newspaper magnate held important Government Offices in England during World War I and World War II?

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Q. 14:  Who played ‘Herman Munster’ in the long running CBS Sitcom?

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Q. 15:  Which former American President left behind an immortal souvenir – the teddy -which was named after him?

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Q. 16:  Orson Welles stated of him that his movie ‘The General’ was “the greatest comedy ever made, the greatest Civil War film ever made, and perhaps the greatest film ever made.” Of whom was he speaking?

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Q. 17:  According to Greek mythology whose box contained all the evils of the world?

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Q. 18:  He was born in Poland and emigrated to Palestine in 1906. He became the first Prime Minister of the State of Israel. Who was he?

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Q. 19:  Who wrote 2001 ‘A Space Odyssey’?

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Q. 20:  What is the name of the largest river in Saudi Arabia?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  The name of which capital city is also contained in the title of a movie starring Frank Sinatra?

A.  1:  Rome, Italy and the movie ‘Tony Rome’.

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Q.  2:  What was the surname (last name) and the nicknames of the father and son who controlled Haiti from 1957 to 1986? (A point for each correct answer, so three points up for grabs.)

A.  2:  Dr Francois Duvalier known as ‘Papa Doc’ (1957-1971) and his son Jean-Claude known as ‘Bébé Doc’ (1971-1986).

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Q.  3:  On which mountain did Noah’s Ark come to rest as the Great Flood subsided?

A.  3:  Mt. Ararat.

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Q.  4:  Who was the biggest selling female singer in America in the 1990s?

A.  4:  Mariah Carey.

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Q.  5:  There are many examples of countries in the world that are land-locked, that is surrounded by several other countries, but there are three countries that are completely surrounded by one other country only, a point for each that you can name and a bonus point if you can name all three.

A.  5:  Vatican City, and San Marino, both surrounded by Italy and  Lesotho surrounded by South Africa.

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Q.  6:  Why was Louise Brown famous in 1978?

A.  6:  She was the world’s first test-tube baby.

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Q.  7:  What is the longest river in Australia?

A.  7:  The Murray River

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Q.  8:  In which well known movie would you find the robot or android known as ‘Ash’?

A.  8:  ‘Ash’ was the robot/android in the movie ‘Alien’.

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Q.  9:  In which country did the soup known as ‘Waterzooi’ originate?

A.  9:  Belgium.

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Q. 10:  Two South American countries have no coastline, name them. (A point for each.)

A. 10:  Bolivia and Paraguay.

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Q. 11:  Who or what was ‘The African Queen’ in the movie of the same name?

A. 11:  ‘The African Queen’ was a boat.

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Q. 12:  What does the yummy breakfast treat ‘Eggs Benedict’ consist of?

A. 12:  ‘Eggs Benedict’ consists of two halves of an English muffin, topped with ham or bacon, poached eggs, and Hollandaise sauce.

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Q. 13:  Which Canadian newspaper magnate held important Government Offices in England during World War I and World War II?

A. 13:  Lord Beaverbrook.

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Q. 14:  Who played ‘Herman Munster’ in the long running CBS Sitcom?

A. 14:  Fred Gwynne.

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Q. 15:  Which former American President left behind an immortal souvenir – the teddy -which was named after him?

A. 15:  Theodore Roosevelt

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Q. 16:  Orson Welles stated of him that his movie ‘The General’ was “the greatest comedy ever made, the greatest Civil War film ever made, and perhaps the greatest film ever made.” Of whom was he speaking?

A. 16:  Joseph Frank “Buster” Keaton.

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Q. 17:  According to Greek mythology whose box contained all the evils of the world?

A. 17:  Pandora’s.

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Q. 18:  He was born in Poland and emigrated to Palestine in 1906. He became the first Prime Minister of the State of Israel. Who was he?

A. 18:  David Ben Gurion.

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Q. 19:  Who wrote 2001 ‘A Space Odyssey’?

A. 19:  Arthur C Clarke.

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Q. 20:  What is the name of the largest river in Saudi Arabia?

A. 20:  A bit of a tricky one to end with, there are no rivers in Saudi Arabia. Score a point if you said zero or none.

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Monday. Quiz Day. Go On, Have A Go!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Time for twenty more questions. A mixture of general knowledge, history, television, movies, etc., so there should be a few in here that will suit you.  

As usual the answers can be found waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please, NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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Quiz 07

Q.  1:  When was the American Declaration of Independence?

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Q.  2:  Who wrote the communist manifesto with Frederich Engels?

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Q.  3:  Where did Audrey Hepburn famously have breakfast in New York City?

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Q.  4:  From which French town were more than 330,000 Allied Troops evacuated in 1940?

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Q.  5:  The 70th birthday of which organization will take place on 22 October 2015 in New York City?

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Q.  6:  In which American town or city was the TV series Frasier set?

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Q.  7:  In which town in Texas did 70 cult members die in a fire after four federal agents were killed during a confrontation?

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Q.  8:  What does the Strait of Messina separate?

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Q.  9:  Who was ‘The Graduate’ in the movie of the same name?

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Q. 10:  What was the last state to join the American Union?

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Q. 11:  Most of us have probably watched and enjoyed ‘The Sopranos’ and ‘The Newsroom’ both aired on HBO, but what does ‘HBO’ stand for?

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Q. 12:  The Greek root ‘syn’, found in words like synonym and syntax, means what?

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Q. 13:  From Here To where is the Oscar-winning movie with Deborah Kerr, Burt Lancaster and Frank Sinatra?

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Q. 14:  What is the more common name for magnesium sulphate?

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Q. 15:  What was the former name of Taiwan?

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Q. 16:  Which young star of the movie ‘East of Eden’ died in a car crash aged only 24?

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Q. 17:  According to the expression coined by Andy Warhol, how many minutes of fame constitute the ephemeral condition ‘celebrity’?

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Q. 18:  Which South American country was ruled by Bernardo O’Higgins?

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Q. 19:  ‘Ruy Lopez’, ‘Monkey’s Bum’, ‘King’s Indian’, ‘Semi Tarrasch’, ‘Sicilian’, ‘Clam Variation’, ‘Scotch Game’ and ‘Giuoco Piano’ are all examples of what?

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Q. 20:  In the movie ‘The Good, the Bad and The Ugly’, who played the three leading roles? (A point for each correct answer and a bonus point if you get all three.)

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  When was the American Declaration of Independence?

A.  1:  1776

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Q.  2:  Who wrote the communist manifesto with Frederich Engels?

A.  2:  Karl Marx

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Q.  3:  Where did Audrey Hepburn famously have breakfast in New York City?

A.  3:  At Tiffany’s.

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Q.  4:  From which French town were more than 330,000 Allied Troops evacuated in 1940?

A.  4:  Dunkirk

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Q.  5:  The 70th birthday of which organization will take place on 22 October 2015 in New York City?

A.  5:  The United Nations

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Q.  6:  In which American town or city was the TV series Frasier set?

A.  6:  Seattle

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Q.  7:  In which town in Texas did 70 cult members die in a fire after four federal agents were killed during a confrontation?

A.  7:  Waco

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Q.  8:  What does the Strait of Messina separate?

A.  8:  Mainland Italy and Sicily

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Q.  9:  Who was ‘The Graduate’ in the film of the same name?

A.  9:  Dustin Hoffman

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Q. 10:  What was the last state to join the American Union?

A. 10:  Alaska

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Q. 11:  Most of us have probably watched and enjoyed ‘The Sopranos’ and ‘The Newsroom’ both aired on HBO, but what does ‘HBO’ stand for?

A. 11:  Home Box Office

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Q. 12:  The Greek root ‘syn’, found in words like synonym and syntax, means what?

A. 12:  It means ‘with’ or ‘together’.

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Q. 13:  From Here To where is the Oscar-winning movie with Deborah Kerr, Burt Lancaster and Frank Sinatra?

A. 13:  Eternity

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Q. 14:  What is the more common name for magnesium sulphate?

A. 14:  Epsom salts.

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Q. 15:  What was the former name of Taiwan?

A. 15:  Formosa

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Q. 16:  Which young star of the movie ‘East of Eden’ died in a car crash aged only 24?

A. 16:  James Dean

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Q. 17:  According to the expression coined by Andy Warhol, how many minutes of fame constitute the ephemeral condition ‘celebrity’?

A. 17:  15 minutes of fame.

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Q. 18:  Which South American country was ruled by Bernardo O’Higgins?

A. 18:  Chile

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Q. 19:  ‘Ruy Lopez’, ‘Monkey’s Bum’, ‘King’s Indian’, ‘Semi Tarrasch’, ‘Sicilian’, ‘Clam Variation’, ‘Scotch Game’ and ‘Giuoco Piano’ are all examples of what?

A. 19:  Chess openings.

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Q. 20:  In the movie ‘The Good, the Bad and The Ugly’, who played the three leading roles? (A point for each correct answer and a bonus point if you get all three.)

A. 20:  Clint Eastwood, Eli Wallach and Lee Van Cleef

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Those Who Throw Dirt Are Sure To Lose Ground.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day again.

How did you get the week in without them?

It’s not easy, but you’ve made it and well done.

Here is the latest batch of the word play specials.

As always, enjoy!

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When the human cannonball retired they couldn’t

find a replacement of the right caliber.

human-cannonball

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Wow my breakfast seems to have had a

really positive psychological effect on me!

Maybe it was that Freud egg I had for breakfast…..

I feel so Jung at heart?

Freud Egg

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He tried to find a bunch of bananas at the supermarket,

but it turned out to be a fruitless search.

bunch-bananas

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Could you call a chicken led rebellion a coop d’etat?

Call that a yolk?

coop d'etat

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Did you hear about the frog who parked at fire hydrant

– the cops came along and toad him away…

frog toad

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Did you hear about the Dentist and Manicurist who got married?

They fought tooth and nail!!

fighting tooth and nail

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It wasn’t that he had anything against French football,

he just didn’t like Toulouse

TOULOUSE_mascot

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Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment

is bad heir-conditioning.

heir conditioning

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There has to be a repair shop

for baroque musical instruments.

Baschenis_Evaristo-Self-Portrait_with_Musical_Instruments

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“You can whip our cream

but you can’t beat our milk,”

said the farmer.

milk

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This is just bang out of order!

bang out of order

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Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.

Well, I nearly choked on my tall soy carmel machiato latte

with no foam and extra extra (sweet and low)..

pretentious

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The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

Boy! Did she hit the roof.

trampoline

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I phoned my work this morning and said,

“Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”

He said,

“You have a wee cough?”

I said,

“Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!”

have a wee cough

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I got arrested for shoplifting in the supermarket today.

I paid for six cans of Sprite at the checkout,

but when security checked my bag

he discovered I’d picked seven up.

7up can

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I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy.

This pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.

FLYING PAN

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We had another row last night,

the underlying message being that my

“sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship”.

Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up,

packed my things and right.

bad sense of direction

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I’m nervous and excited about the new

job I start at a restaurant tomorrow.

I just can’t wait.

bad waiter

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Did you here about the Taxidermist who was mugged?

He fought off his attacker with his bear hands.

bear

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I saw a guy stacking shelves at the supermarket

complaining because the top shelf was broken,

and he couldn’t keep it up.

I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction.

surpermarket aisle

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Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In case the title didn’t give it away, today is pun day!

Hurrah and enjoy!!

But first a quick medical alert….

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Medical Alert:

When you play golf iron deficiencies

can lead to a risk of increased strokes.

golf-bad-cartoon

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I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.

Then it dawned on me.

dawn

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I was devastated when my girlfriend left me for a dwarf.

I never thought she would stoop so low

tall-woman

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“I only have diamonds, clubs and spades,”

said Tom heartlessly

cardplayers

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Ever wonder why the person who invented the door knocker

wasn’t awarded a No-bell prize.

DoorKnocker

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I walked down a street where the houses were numbered

64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane.

MEMORY_LANE

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If anyone ever says to you that they’ve lost their voice,

They’re lying.

lost voice cartoon

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Tires are fixed for a flat rate.

flat tire cartoon

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If you suffer from kleptomania,

should you take something for it?

Kleptomania

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I’ve taken up a part time course in counterfeiting.

I’m forging ahead.

boris-drucker-every-dollar-we-counterfeit-costs-us-a-buck-and-a-half-cartoon

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I broke up with my girlfriend last night.

It happened on the forecourt of a gas station.

Very emotional breakup.

She was in tears and I was filling up….

pumping-gas

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The latest market research shows a growing trend

for eating high-fibre cereal for breakfast,

with the result that people are experiencing

greater regularity in their bowel movements.

With trends like that,

who needs enemas?

enemas

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Did you hear about the bird that sat on an axe?

It was trying to hatchet

Hatchet

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A boy came into the house with a sofa on his back.

His mother said,

“How many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers!?”

suites from strangers

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I was watching a tv program about the people in Holland who make their traditional clogs?

I thought, I’d like to try that

Wooden shoe?

wooden-clogs

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A fishing boat is working the North Sea, when suddenly it starts shipping water.

It puts out a Mayday message:

“Help! Help! We are sinking!”

A few minutes back the reply comes through:

“Zis is ze German coastguard. Vot are you sinking about?”

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I’ve eaten steak tartar,

but only on rare occasions

mr-bean-steak-tartare

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un oeuf is enough as they say in France!

tray bien

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My laptop is broken.

It just keeps playing “Skyfall” over and over again.

Probably because it’s a Dell.

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You Can Pick Any Subject And Still Be Sure Quiz Show Contestants Will Know Nothing About It

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I’m not sure how many more of these quiz show answers are left in the archives, but there are enough for today’s selection.

It doesn’t seem to matter what subject the questions are about, you are still almost guaranteed that a quiz show contestant will not only know nothing about it, but will come up with the most irrelevant and absurd answers.

Enjoy.

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Q:  Who played agent 007 in the 1989 film Licence To Kill?

A:  Err…………James Bond?

licencetokill

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Q:  With whom did Britain go to war over the Falklands?

A:  Err   .          .          .

Q:  It s a South American country.

A:  Iran.

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Q:  Name a domestic animal.

A:  Leopard.

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Q:  Name a game you can play in the bath.

A:  Scuba diving.

scuba diving in the bath

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Q:  How many strings does a guitar have?

A:  Err   …Four.

Q:  It s the number of wives that Henry VIII had   .          .          .

A:  Oh! Five.

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Q: Name a prime number between 20 and 40.

A: Between 20 and 40?

Q: Yes.

A: 7. 

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Q: After his abdication, King Edward VIII of England became known as the Duke of where?

A: Duke of Earl. 

darts-duke_of_earl

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Q: Who wrote Hamlet?

A: Um, MacBeth.

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Q: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?

A: Crocodiles.

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Q: Name an animal whose eggs you probably never eat for breakfast.

A: Hamster.

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Q: What creature squirts a smelly, unpleasant fluid at its enemies?

A: A snake.

Q: No, I’ll give you a clue — it’s black and white.

A: A bee!

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Q: Which character narrates all but four of the Sherlock Holmes books?

A: The Pink Panther.

Pink_Panther_by_HypnoRukia

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Q: What is the capital of Australia? And it’s not Sydney.

A: Sydney.

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Q: We’re looking for a four-letter answer here. Shakespeare said that this by any other name would smell as sweet.

A: Soap?

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Q: The four Gospels of the New Testament are attributed to Matthew, Mark, John and who?

A: Joe.

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Welcome To A Bumper Seasonal Edition Of Puns For The Holidays

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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This week I have a bumper seasonal selection of word plays or puns that are all about or related to the Christmas Holiday Season. Some of them will sleigh you!

They aren’t any better or worse than normal, just themed.

And please don’t say they themed better last week!!!

Enjoy.

Doing puns is my stocking trade at this time of year…

christmas-stocking

Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

low elf esteem

What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations?

Tinselitis.

tinselitis

What did the salt say to the pepper at Christmas?

Season’s Greetings.

santa salt pepper shakers

What do monkeys sing at Christmas time?

“Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way.”

jungle bells

Why did they ask the turkey to join the band?

Because he had the drum sticks.

turkey drumsticks

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?

Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

bald man comb over

A man walks into a diner desiring breakfast.

The waitress seats him and he asks what the specials are.

She tells him the Christmas special is Eggs Benedict.

He orders the special.

A little later, the waitress comes out with the Eggs Benedict, served on hubcaps.

Surprised, he asks why the hubcaps instead of regular plates?

Her response?

“There’s no plates like chrome for the Hollandaise.”

Dave's diner

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

Missle toe!

Missle-Toe cartoon!

What is Santa’s primary language?

North Polish.

polish santa claus

Is Christmas the one day of the year we can all say our children are truly gifted!

Cartoon kids Christmas gifts

What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an iPad?

A pineapple.

cartoon pineapple

Why does Santa like to go down chimneys?

Because it soots him!

sooty Santa

Won’t all that soot make him sick? No. He’s had his flue shot.

cartoon doctor

What famous playwright was intimidated by Christmas?

Noel Coward

Noel Coward cartoon

How do sheep in Spain say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

fleece navidad

“Wouldn’t just gold and frankincense do?” the third wise man demurred.

cartoon-of-the-three-wise-men-with-gold-frankincense-and-myrrh

Why do you have to make sure the fire is out for Santa Claus coming down the chimney?

Coz if you didn’t you’d end up with a Crisp Cringle?

santa fire in chimney cartoon

What is a computer nerd’s favorite hymn?

Oh, .com all ye faithful!

computer_nerd

Why wasn’t the turkey hungry at Christmas time?

Because he was stuffed.

Stuffed_Turkey

Once there was a Tsar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great.

One day as he was standing in his house with his wife he looked out the window and saw something happening.

He says to his wife, “Look honey. It’s raining.” 

She, being the obstinate type, responded, ”I don’t think so, dear. I think it’s snowing.” 

But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife, ”Let’s step outside and we’ll find out.” 

Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain.

So Rudolph turns to his wife and says, ”I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

Russian Tsar

If you don’t believe in Xmas parties do you still remain eggnogstic?

tumbler-of-egg-nog

When the innkeeper’s assistant told Joseph there was no room at the Inn, he said “I’d like to see the manger.”

Joseph at the Inn

I was fed up by the time I got to my last present so I wrapped it up.

wrapping present

Are people who are afraid of Santa Claus-trophobic?

scared-of-santa

Oh, like I hadn’t heard that old chestnut before.

roasting chestnuts

“Why don’t we ever hear about ‘Olive,’ the 10th reindeer?” asked Bert.

“What 10th Reindeer?” asked Scott.

“You know. Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.”

OLIVE, THE OTHER REINDEER

Scrooge loves all the male reindeer, because every buck is dear to him.

mister scrooge magoo

What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

joke-subordinate-clause-santas-helpers

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.

Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!

santa-claus-flying-his-sleigh

Then there was the golfer who played on Christmas and hit a birdie. It was a partridge on a par 3.

cartoon-santa-playing-golf

The garden center got all spruced up to sell Christmas trees.

Christmas trees

This is not fir I can’t think of any more.

cartoon_christmas_tree

What is there left to say except have a Happy Holly Day.

Holly crown with red bow

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