Nails Are One Thing You Don’t Want To Screw With.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Neither is Pun Day.

Another selection of wonderful word play for you to….

Enjoy or endure!

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Sometimes pregnancy lasts so long

it seems like a maternity.

 

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How many nihilists does it take

to sharpen a pencil?

One, but there’s still no point.

 

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I dropped my barometer earlier.

Just couldn’t handle the pressure.

 

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What do you call a man

with three balls?

…a juggler.

 

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Uncle Ben found dead.

No more Mr Rice guy.

 

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I just invented a joke about helium.

Unfortunately it doesn’t go down well.

 

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You know that you’re getting old

when your narrow waist swaps

places with your broad mind.

 

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Apparently a truck carrying boxes of wigs has overturned,

spilling its load across the freeway.

Police are combing the area.

 

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I saw a woman crying as she

was buying tampons earlier.

Must be going through a

tough period in her life.

 

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This man was about to throw dough,

cheese and tomatoes at me.

I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

 

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Looking after my kid is

proving to be expensive.

I’ve just had to buy a baby monitor,

for crying out loud.

 

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The hospital told me there is a problem

with my son’s blood and he should have

a plasma screen as soon as possible.

They were going to charge me $10,000,

but I managed to buy him a 50″ HDTV

in WalMart for less than a grand.

 

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Now I hear that the NSA are employing

dwarfs to break into people’s homes

and install listening devices.

The little buggers.

 

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What happens if you swallow uranium?

You get atomic ache.

 

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What do you call a Scottish lady who comes round

and decorates your bathroom?

Bonnie Tiler.

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Pandering To The Stupidest – The Warning Signs Continue.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pandering to the stupidest people in society has become the norm.

All that does is drag everyone closer to their level of stupidity, but apparently the equally stupid people in charge think that’s the way it has to be.

They’ve even managed to get stupid people to write the stupid signs for the other stupid people.

Sound like a conspiracy to me, except they’re not smart enough for that.

Anyway, enough of my rant.

Just enjoy.

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“Do not iron clothes on body.”

On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

 

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“Do not drive car or operate machinery.”

On Boot’s children’s cough medicine.

 

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“For indoor or outdoor use only.”

On a string of Christmas lights.

 

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“Wearing of this garment

does not enable you to fly.”

On a child sized Superman costume.

 

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“This door is alarmed from 7:00pm – 7:00am.”

On a hospital’s outside access door.

 

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“Beware!

To touch these wires is instant death.

Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.”

On a sign at a railroad station.

 

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“Warning:

do not use if you have prostate problems.”

On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.

 

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“Product will be hot after heating.”

On a supermarket dessert box.

 

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“Do not turn upside down.”

On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.

 

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“Do not light in face.

Do not expose to flame.”

On a lighter.

 

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“Choking hazard:

This toy is a small ball.”

On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.

 

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“Not for human consumption.”

On a package of dice.

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It’s Hard To Explain How Good I Am At Describing Things!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But I can still describe today 

–  it’s Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!

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If you think you dream in color,

is it just a pigment of your imagination?

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My boss fired me for complaining about the office escalator,

It didn’t go down well.

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First guy: “What would you do if your son told you he was gay?”

Second guy: “I’d buy him a straight jacket.”

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Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory.

The manager asks, “Have you worked with chemicals before?”

Paddy replies, “Yes.”

The manager then asks, “Can you tell me what nitrate is?”

Paddy replies, “Yes, it’s time and a half.”

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I was on holiday in the Alps

when I saw a sign saying ‘Ski Hire’.

So I went a bit further up the slope.

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I’ve just bought a shire horse.

As if my other horse wasn’t shy enough.

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I keep having recurring nightmares where

I’m in a hospital surrounded by loads of pregnant women.

Could I be going through a midwife crisis?

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I’ve just got a job testing hover boards.

The money’s not great,

but it keeps me off the streets.

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Pirate cheerleaders have it easy.

“Give me an R!”…

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A guy came up to me the other day and said,

“I’m a 3-5 stringed instrument of the harp family,

popular among nobles in medieval Europe.”

I said, “You’re a lyre!”

 

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It will be Google’s birthday soon.

They’re planning a search party.

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I went for a depression test.

Came back negative.

Oh, NO!

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I rang SeaWorld the other day,

because I wanted some information.

Before I got through to an employee,

I got a tape telling me

“This call may be recorded for training porpoises.”

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If someone asks you to

spell “Part A” backwards,

don’t do it.

It’s a trap……

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Steppenwolf was an assumed name.

He was born Toby Wild.

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I’d Say 6:30 Is The Best Clock Time, Hands Down.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And the best time for puns is today!

By the way, no liability accepted, so try not to hurt yourselves laughing.

Enjoy or endure!

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I threw out my vacuum cleaner last week.

It was just gathering dust.

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I work for the hospital dealing with

moving patients between different areas.

It’s a rewarding job.

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I’ve had to break up with my imaginary girlfriend.

I’ve started seeing someone else.

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My wife always cooks our Christmas Ham in a bottle of wine.

I have no idea how she gets it in there, but it tastes brilliant.

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What’s the difference between ‘Approximately’ and ‘Roughly’?

Men are never accused of treating women approximately.

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After battling for years to overcome

my addiction to alcohol gel,

I’m finally clean.

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Grandad was talking about getting

a hip replacement for my Grandma.

“Someone younger and trendier,” he said,

“Like Megan Fox or Mila Kunis.”

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I wasn’t always into peer pressure……

My friends got me into it.

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Ever since I took the rear view mirror out of the car

…..I’ve never looked back

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I sat down on the settee today to relax and watch a bit of football,

but the picture on the telly was so terrible I couldn’t bear it.

I hate wedding photos.

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I typed an essay in Word about a concerned Bugs Bunny.

I then saved it as ‘Whats Up.doc’

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If you like wordplay jokes about pissing

then urine for a treat.

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I’ve been offered a job by the government’s Department of New Words.

It’s a fantastic opporchancity.

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I’ve just opened a casino for dogs.

They can play roulette, poker, blackjack

and a host of other games all under one roof.

They have to go outside for craps though.

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Finally for this week,

and with a certain blog friend in mind,

what did the three campanologists who

fell off a bridge in Paris, France start playing?

“I’m ringing in the Seine, just ringing in the Seine…”

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Famous Last Words Of An Idiot – “I Have A Plan…”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Many stupid crimes happen every day. And most of them are committed by stupid criminals.

Unfortunately most of the stories we never get to hear about, but occasionally we do.

Like this one, which must rank as one of the dumbest ever!

It happened in a place called Mullins, SC. The perpetrator, or would-be perpetrator, was a ‘genius’ called Laquain Deshawn Guy and he had the idea that he would rob an Arby’s fast food restaurant.

Lots of cash in there, he thought, not considering that most of the takings would be banked at the end of business.

That was his first mistake.

His second was failing to break into the restaurant using either a back door or a window.

No, this genius had a better idea.

He thought he would climb on to the roof of the building and gain entrance through the ventilation shaft. That is the story told by Captain Joe Graham with the Mullins police and I see no reason at all to doubt him.

The main reason being that criminal mastermind Laquain Deshawn Guy found to his surprise that he didn’t fit the ventilation shaft – and promptly wedged himself in there just as tight as he could.

The more he struggled the worse it got.

Man, was he stuck!

And he remained stuck for the next ten hours, until an Arby’s employee was opening the business Tuesday morning and he heard “noises”. I like to think that the noises were the farts being squeezed out of him as he got wedged in tighter and tighter, but nobody will confirm this.

The employee immediately called the police and that’s when they realized that the strange noises were coming from the very stuck Laquain still wedged inside the shaft.

Mullins Fire and Rescue eventually freed the idiot by cutting the ventilation pipe and pulling him through the roof, where he emerged dehydrated and with some muscle damage.

Crews then lowered him down and onto a stretcher and took him to hospital where he spent a few days before facing charges of Burglary Second Degree.

What a moron!

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Did You Know? – More Interesting Facts.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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More interesting facts today.

Hats definitely off to James Harrison, but my favorite is Bill Morgan.

Enjoy.

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We’ll start with one in honor of the recently passed St Patrick’s Day.

St Patrick’s given name was Maewyn Succat.

After becoming a priest, he changed his name to Patricius,

from the Latin term meaning “father figure.”

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Esperanto is an artificial language,

but is spoken by about 500,000 to 2,000,000 people,

and 2 feature films have been done in the language.

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After the bible,

the most translated book in the world is

Pinocchio.

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Hall of fame boxer Sugar Ray Robinson backed out of a fight

because he had a dream that he was going to kill his opponent in the ring.

After a priest and minister convinced him to fight, Robinson went into the ring

and killed his opponent Jimmy Doyle.

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The German word for birth control pill is ‘antibabypille’

and in Switzerland they have pregnancy tests

called ‘MaybeBaby’ in vending machines.

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After 9/11, 1600 people died in automobile accidents

after they switched travel plans from flying to driving.

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If officials awarded Lance Armstrong’s Tour de France title

to the next fastest finisher who has never been linked to doping,

they would have to give it to the person who finished 23rd.

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When US Army officer Braxton Bragg held both the job of

the company commander and the post’s quartermaster,

he made a request to the quartermaster (that is, himself)

and when he received the request as quartermaster he denied it.

He continued to argue back and forth with himself through letters.

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In 2010 workers at Ground Zero found an 18th century wooden ship

underneath the World Trade Center rubble.

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When child actor Jackie Coogan turned 18,

he found out all his money, $68 million,

had been spent by his mother, who argued

“No promises were ever made to give Jackie anything.

Every dollar a kid earns before he is 21 belongs to his parents.” 

Coogan’s Bill was then passed to protect child actors.

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In Samoa, it’s a crime to forget your own wife’s birthday.

(Isn’t that true for most places?)

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Ryan Gosling was cast as Noah in The Notebook

because the director wanted someone “not handsome.”

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After needing 13 liters of blood for a surgery at the age of 13,

a man named James Harrison, aka “The Man With The Golden Arm”,

pledged to donate blood once he turned 18.

It was discovered that his blood contained a rare antigen

which cured Rhesus disease.

He has donated blood a record 1000 times

and saved 2,000,000 lives.

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In 1942 in Mississippi there was a man known as the Phantom Barber

who would break into peoples’ houses at night and cut their hair.

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In 1999 an Australian man, named Bill Morgan

was declared dead for 14 minutes after an allergic reaction to drugs

given to him in hospital after a car accident.

To celebrate his survival he bought a scratch card

and won a $27,000 car.

A news team covering the story asked him to re-enact

the scratch card moment for their story,

so he went into the shop, bought another scratch card,

and won  $250,000 jackpot.

Here he is….

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What You Seize Is What You Get.

Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And what you get today is more word play, otherwise known as puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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It was a big mistake I made, when I dared to be different.

I’ve never been the same since.

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My girlfriend and I write all our love letters in pencil.

We have a no-pen relationship.

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I could demonstrate to you how easily my new

drill goes through human flesh and bone…

But I don’t want to bore you.

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You have to question the modus operandi of

people who use Latin for no reason.

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When my friend’s enormous wife was rushed to A&E with

chest pains the doctor examined her

and said she needed a bypass.

He asked,

“Isn’t that a bit extreme, doctor?”

The Doc replied,

“Maybe, but she’s blocking other patients from getting into the hospital.”

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My plan to make money by using discarded feathers

to make soft furnishings has ended in disaster.

I can’t fill anything from the waste down

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A worker has fallen in to a large vat of melted butter at a dairy factory.

His condition has yet to be clarified.

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What do you call it when a bunch of women

dress up in saris before a wedding?

A hendu.

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A man applied for a job as a gynecologist the other day.

Unfortunately he was not qualified so he didn’t get a look in.

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Can anyone recommend something

I can use in loo of toilet paper?

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I just started my new job at a leaf disposal company.

I’ve been raking it in.

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I had to send in a duplicate application to get a job making retro cars at Citroen.

They needed 2 CVs.

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I’ve just watched a video of lions being fed at Copenhagen Zoo.

It was very giraffic.

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I once met a really stupid bloke on a Greek island.

He was a Cretan.

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If I could take Abba out to lunch

I would, my friend, for Nandos.

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Hey, I Just Realized That Nothing In The Dictionary Begins With An ‘N’.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The clue is always in the title.

If you haven’t guessed already, welcome to the first pun day of 2014.

Well, somebody has to stick up for the mighty word play, so it might as well be me.

Love to hate or hate to love here is this year’s first selection – the first of many I hope!

Enjoy.

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I got a new reversible jacket for Christmas.

I’m excited to see how it turns out.

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Whenever I have had a bad day I console myself

by playing with my Playstation.

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Jamaican newspapers have asserted

that certain strains of marijuana can cure migraines.

Clearly propaganja.

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I took part in a bondage contest last night.

I was tied third.

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I think the people at Apple are so lucky.

They still get paid even after they’ve lost their jobs.

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Our little boy was rushed to hospital at the weekend,

after he’d swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

They’ve given him laxatives but as of yet,

there hasn’t been a word out of him.

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I suppose you could say that a voyeur

was a peep hole person.

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When I was a kid I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

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Me and the wife were at the hardware store choosing a new kitchen.

She asked me, “Do you reckon we could fit that sink in the car?”

Stupid woman, doesn’t she know cars don’t have any plumbing?

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I went to a theme park that had the world’s largest pool table.

The cues were massive.

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Say what you will about Columbus,

but he did put America on the map.

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My wife is a vet and a great cook.

But I refuse to eat anything that she puts down in front of me.

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When they eventually colonize Mars

there’s going to be another housing bubble.

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Although it seemed to go on forever

Magnum PI only solved 3.14 crimes.

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“You ok Dave?”

“I’m not sure…

my Doctor did a rectal exam on me this morning.”

“Oh right. Prostate?”

“No, bent over his desk.”

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Without Me, It’s Just Aweso!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Just playing about with words again.

Yes, it’s another pun day!

Endure or enjoy, whatever is your pleasure.

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I can’t help being lazy.

It walks in the family.

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To Err is human

To Aarrrgh is Pirate.

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I spent today trying to force as many

road signs from the ground as I could.

I pulled out all the stops.

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My son’s been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday,

so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!

Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper on the web.

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The Wife bet me fifty bucks that

she could sing more football songs than me.

I beat her.

She had no Chants.

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Barbie has an awful lot of nice mini skirts

for a girl whose knees don’t bend.

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What did the brown tooth say to the white tooth?

‘Iz it ‘coz I iz plaque?’

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Windows 8.

Such a pane!

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I read in the newspaper:

‘Two people killed in separate chain attacks’

That can’t be true I thought.

They must be linked.

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It said on the News today that

“Cuts will hit the poor hardest”.

Why?

Can’t they even afford bandages?

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A friend in the bar said, 

“I’ve just realized, your brothers Richard, Harold

and Charles are all named after kings.”

I said, ” Yeah, so! What’s your point?”

He said, ” Nothing. It’s your round Burger.”

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The internet has become too politically correct.

What’s all this nonsense about disabled cookies?

In my day they were called broken biscuits.

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I like to tell women that I’m responsible for

a large team of web designers.

I find it gets a better reception than saying

I live in an apartment that’s infested by spiders.    

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A guy walks into a bar and asks, “How much is your beer?”

The barman says, “$4 for a pint and $10 for a pitcher.”

“Just gimme me a pint then,” says the guy.

“I got enough photos already!”

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My friend asked to borrow some money after

losing his job at the local hospital as a Stool Sample analyst.

Of course I couldn’t let him down.

Not after all the shit he’s been through…    

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I know this guy who hangs round on the corners of maps.

Legend.

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Is your hair dull, lifeless and boring?

Well it’s hair, what else did you expect?

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I’ve spent five frustrating days

repeatedly shouting “Heal!” at my dog.

If it doesn’t work soon,

I might just have to take him to the vet.

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I called the Suicide Help Line once,

saying that I felt like throwing myself in front of a train and needed help.

They told me to stay on the line.

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I walked into the hairdressers today.

The guy said, “Can I help you sir?”

I said, “I’m after a short cut”.

Then I walked through the shop and went out of the fire exit.

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If an indoor shooting range is burning,

what does one scream to inform them? 

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I’m Beginning To Feel I’m Bean Stalked!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, it’s pun day, the day we all love  –  well most of us do anyway.

Enjoy this latest selection!

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When does a cow make the most noise?

When she’s feeling moooooody!

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I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with

a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides.

I picked it up and threw it.

It flew for more than 300 yards.

I’m sure that must have been a record.

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There was a ghost at the hotel,

so they called for an inn spectre.

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Me and my friends are in a band called Duvet.

We’re a cover band.

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Messing with your computer’s memory chip

can have lasting RAMifications

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My girlfriend got sacked from work and then lost her appeal.

I only found her appealing because she had a well paid job.

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This one is just messed up.

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I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it’s 15p.

I’ve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.

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A picture may be worth a thousand words,

but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

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I lost my mood ring.

I don’t know how I feel about this.

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I beat my wife up this morning.

She got up at 7.30, I was up at 7.

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Why did I divide sin by tan?

Just cos.

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With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

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I was recently asked about my views on euthanasia.

I said they all look the same to me.

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Nostalgia.

It’s not what it used to be.

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I just received an envelope marked – Photographs Do Not Bend.

The Mailman has, however, proven that they do.

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I fell on my arm and had to have an operation on my funny bone.

I was in stitches for two weeks.

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I’ve just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.

Although what he wants with an ex box I’ll never know.

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A man goes home to his wife and shows her his

latest tattoo of a spreadsheet on his chest.

“You’ve really Excelled yourself this time!” she says.

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When a hospital runs out of maternity nurses

do they have a mid-wife crisis?

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