I’m Planning On Being More Spontaneous In The Future.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun Day is here again.

I’m sure you’re delighted!

So here is the latest assortment of word play jokes.

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

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Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

scarecrow

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The dealer asked me ‘how much are you willing to pay for the car?’

‘1500, tops’, I responded

‘OK,’ he replied, ‘but they better be short sleeved’.

short sleeved tops

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If I had a penny for every time someone

gave me their dog to look after,

I’d have a pound!

dog pound

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I phoned 911 to report my bike being stolen in the park.

They asked, “What does it look like?”

I replied, “It’s big, green and full of swings.”

swings in park

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Isn’t it odd that funerals always begin

not with sorrow but with fun?

fun funeral

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Female Ninjas

Now there’s something you don’t see.

camouflaged

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The case against a donut thief

turned out to be full of holes.

donut_van_chase

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When the TV repairman got married

the reception was excellent.

tv repairman

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I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text:

“You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!”

To which I replied:

“8 out of 10, I’ll requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

phone-texting

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When Vincent van Gogh cut off his left ear,

his right ear was left.

Vincent van Gogh

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I failed my medical school entrance exam because of nerves.

The correct answer was blood vessels.

medical school entrance exam

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To some – marriage is a word…

to others – a sentence.

marriage_is_not_a_word_its_a_sentence_t_shirt

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Saw a dude squatting behind a gravestone in the old graveyard.

I thought “What is he doing? I’m letting him know that I see him”

So I shouted “Morning!”

And he shouts back, “Nah, just taking a dump.”

no dumping

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Headline taken from the Peterborough Evening Telegraph:

“MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed”

peterborough jobs blow

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Never mind the fifth Beatle, what about the other

three hundred and fifty seven Degrees?

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Did You Know? The Facts Are Here!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The facts are certainly here.

It’s up to you to choose how valuable and interesting they are.

Apart from anything else I hope you enjoy reading them.

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did you know1

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To save money when you shop, don’t touch anything.

Touching an item makes you more likely to buy it, and willing to pay more.

http://www.time.com/time/business/article/0,8599,1889081,00.html

did you know touching

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The famous US Pony Express only lasted a single year

before the transcontinental telegraph made the route obsolete.

did you know pony express

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In a 2008 survey,

58% of British teens thought Sherlock Holmes was a real guy,

while 20% thought Winston Churchill was not.

did you know churchill-holmes

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Before his writing career took off, Dan Brown was a singer/songwriter.

His second album was titled Angels & Demons.

did you know angelsdemons

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During a 1956 speech for his campaign of de-Stalinization,

Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev was asked by an unseen audience member why,

as an advisor to the dictator, he had never stopped Stalin from committing his atrocities.

Khrushchev immediately lashed out, “Who said that?”

The room grew quiet.

Khrushchev repeated his query to more silence, waited a beat,

and then said, “Well, now you understand why.”

did you know Khrushchev

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The first US President to earn a PhD was Woodrow Wilson.

did you know Woodrow Wilson

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The U.K.’s police headquarters, Scotland Yard,

is not (and never was) located in Scotland.

Scotland Yard was originally a palace

where Scottish royalty stayed when visiting London.

did you know New_Scotland_Yard_sign

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Wendy’s founder, Dave Thomas,

used to work for Kentucky Fried Chicken.

did you know Dave Thomas Wendy's

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The first VCR, developed by the Ampex Corporation in 1956,

weighed nearly 1,500 lbs.

It took another 15 years before a commercially viable product hit the scene.

did you know ampex-commercial-vtr-1956

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The Vatican Bank is the world’s only bank

that allows ATM users to perform transactions in Latin.

did you know ATM-Latin

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The municipal government of Paris passed a resolution

to prohibit Tom Cruise from becoming an honorary citizen of the city.

For them it was ‘une mission impossible!’

did you know Tom Cruise Mission_Impossible_II_(MI2)

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Only one U.S. coin

— the zinc-coated steel penny produced during World War II —

can be picked up by a magnet.

did you know WWII steel penny

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During the Vietnam War, the Viet Cong hid IEDs in empty soda cans

because they observed that US Soldiers enjoyed kicking empty cans

while marching down the road.

Warning to the politicians perhaps who recently

have done little else but kick the can down the road.

did you know kicking-the-can-down-the-road

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Simon Bolivar is the only person in the world

to have two sovereign nations named after him:

Bolivia

and

Venezuela

(the country’s full name is Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela).

did you know bolivar

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At the 1960 Winter Olympic Games,

Walt Disney was Chairman of the Pageantry Committee

that was responsible for producing both

the opening and closing ceremonies.

did you know walt_olympics

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Butterflies range in size from a tiny 1/8 inch to a huge almost 12 inches.

did you know butterfly

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After racking up a $40 late fee on a VHS copy of Apollo 13,

Reed Hastings was inspired to start Netflix

did you know Netflix-CEO-Reed-Hastings

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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

did you know bang-head-here

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The most Academy Awards (Oscars) won by a woman was eight,

by Edith Head, all for Costume Design

did you know the-much-honored-costume-designer-edith-head-1954

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Black-eyed peas aren’t peas, but beans,

and also a famous American hip hop group.

And coffee beans aren’t beans, but seeds.

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Fun Fact File Day!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, welcome to another fun fact file day when the fasab archives are opened up to reveal a startling array of random facts that you probably didn’t know and didn’t need to.

But here they are anyhow.

I hope you enjoy.

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did you know2

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During your lifetime,

you will eat about 60,000 pounds of food,

that’s the weight of about 6 elephants.

Cartoon Elephant Clip Art

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Einstein couldn’t speak fluently when he was nine.

His parents thought he might be retarded.

But he turned out to be relatively smart!

Young_Einstein

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Gilligan of Gilligan’s Island had a first name

that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show.

His first name was Willy.

The skipper’s real name on Gilligan’s Island is Jonas Grumby.

It was mentioned once in the first episode

on their radio’s newscast about the wreck.

gilligans-island-320

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If you toss a penny 10,000 times,

it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4,950.

The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

Lincoln_Penny_Obverse

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In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa

completely out of toast.

toastier-lisa

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Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.

(But only when you really surprise them!)

penguin jump

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The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

The average bank CEO loses at least $1 billion – and gets a bonus for doing it!)

bank teller

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The Earth weighs around

6,588,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons.

atlas

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The name for Oz in the “Wizard of Oz”

was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum,

looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z,

hence “Oz.”

2 drawer filing cabinet

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The reason firehouses have circular stairways

is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses.

The horses were stabled on the ground floor

and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

firehouse stairs

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The Sanskrit word for “war” means “desire for more cows.”

cartoon-dairy-cows

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The word “Checkmate” in chess

comes from the Persian phrase “Shah Mat,”

which means “the king is dead”.

checkmate

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The word “modem” is a contraction

of the words “modulate, demodulate.”

(MOdulate DEModulate)

modem

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Thomas Edison, lightbulb inventor,

was afraid of the dark.

Thomas Edison

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Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

eggplant

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Wilma Flintstone’s maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal,

and Betty Rubble’s maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.

betty_wilma2

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Mars is the home of Olympus Mons,

the largest known volcano in our solar system

Olympus Mons v Everest
Size comparison – Olympus Mons v Everest

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There are six million parts in the Boeing 747-400.

Landing-of-a-Boeing-747-400

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Japanese research has concluded that

moderate drinking can boost IQ levels

(Sometimes you just know when scientific results are accurate.)

Drinks-4

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In 1960 there were 16,067 gambling slots in Nevada.

By the end of the century, 1999, this number rose to 205,726 slots

which would be one slot for every 10 people residing there.

slot machines

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